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Missing, remembering, not understanding
luvmee217 - 07:44am Aug 12, 2006 EST
I knew I was pregnant before my period was even late. It was just a gut instinct. My gut told me I was going to have a boy. My gut also told me I was going to have a sick baby. Somehow in my heart I knew I was going to have a preemie, but everyone reassured me I was just being paranoid. They said everyone is with there first born.
My son was born September 17, 2000. I had just turned 24 weeks when I went into labor. He was born the next morning at 1 am. He was 1 lb 5 1/2 oz and 1 foot tall. He was our first child. He survived for 3 months. He passed on December 16, 2000. I remember since the day he was born, he always had the strength to squeeze my finger. Until that last day.
I remember we were shopping for his 1st C-Mas ornament. We went to go eat, and I just couldn't eat. There was that gut feeling again. We went to the hospital around 4:30, and he had a curtain around his crib. Something was wrong.
There he was. His little body was so lifeless. He was so puffy. (I can't even write this without crying.) They told us he was sleeping all day. I put my finger in his hand. For the first time in 3 months, there wasn't a squeeze. Sure enough, he passed at 6:24 pm. I like to think he was waiting for us so he could say good-bye.
I miss him so much. There are good days, and there are bad days. He would have been 6 next month. I now have 2 kids, a 3 1/2 year old son and an 8 month old daughter. My tubes are tied, so this is it. This is our little family. I always wanted 4 or 5 kids, but I don't think I could ever chance that.
I thought it would be easier with time, but it hadn't. Before my son passed, I only cried a couple times out of the year. Now I can't even count how many times I cry out of the week. Its getting to the point where my son is use to seeing me cry. He no longer asks me why am I crying. I don't want to tramatise my children. How do I avoid feeling that pain? I feel guilty for feeling sad. I know my son is in a better place, he's no longer in pain, and he wouldn't want me to feel this way.
It's been almost 6 years, does it ever get any easier? I ache for him. I crave for him, one more touch, one more kiss, even a diaper change. Anything, as long as I get to see him again. I even wish to see him in my dreams. Am I pathetic?
I knew I was pregnant before my period was even late. It was just a gut instinct. My gut told me I was going to have a boy. My gut also told me I was going to have a sick baby. Somehow in my heart I knew I was going to have a preemie, but everyone reassured me I was just being paranoid. They said everyone is with there first born.
My son was born September 17, 2000. I had just turned 24 weeks when I went into labor. He was born the next morning at 1 am. He was 1 lb 5 1/2 oz and 1 foot tall. He was our first child. He survived for 3 months. He passed on December 16, 2000. I remember since the day he was born, he always had the strength to squeeze my finger. Until that last day.
I remember we were shopping for his 1st C-Mas ornament. We went to go eat, and I just couldn't eat. There was that gut feeling again. We went to the hospital around 4:30, and he had a curtain around his crib. Something was wrong.
There he was. His little body was so lifeless. He was so puffy. (I can't even write this without crying.) They told us he was sleeping all day. I put my finger in his hand. For the first time in 3 months, there wasn't a squeeze. Sure enough, he passed at 6:24 pm. I like to think he was waiting for us so he could say good-bye.
I miss him so much. There are good days, and there are bad days. He would have been 6 next month. I now have 2 kids, a 3 1/2 year old son and an 8 month old daughter. My tubes are tied, so this is it. This is our little family. I always wanted 4 or 5 kids, but I don't think I could ever chance that.
I thought it would be easier with time, but it hadn't. Before my son passed, I only cried a couple times out of the year. Now I can't even count how many times I cry out of the week. Its getting to the point where my son is use to seeing me cry. He no longer asks me why am I crying. I don't want to tramatise my children. How do I avoid feeling that pain? I feel guilty for feeling sad. I know my son is in a better place, he's no longer in pain, and he wouldn't want me to feel this way.
It's been almost 6 years, does it ever get any easier? I ache for him. I crave for him, one more touch, one more kiss, even a diaper change. Anything, as long as I get to see him again. I even wish to see him in my dreams. Am I pathetic?
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