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ehbeagle

May 2013

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LESSONS LEARNED

Dec 21, 2012 05:01pm (EST)

What a year this has been. Actually the last 2 years have just plain been awful , yet I have learned many lessons. I am trying so hard to remain positive. Things are better in many ways, and yet things are worse. Sometimes it takes all I have just to keep going. If it wasn’t for my family and friends I don’t think I could keep going.

2011 was a trying year for us in many ways. For one, we were forced to file bankruptcy which is something that we are not proud of. I NEVER thought I would be one of THOSE people, you know? The Lord has used this experience to humble me. I can remember being so jealous of others who have much nicer houses and cars, etc. Now I have come to really appreciate what I have been given. I have a nice home and a working vehicle. I no longer wish/dream about bigger and better. I have just simply learned to appreciate what I have and enjoy it. We have learned to manage our money better, but I have to admit it is still difficult. We still live paycheck to paycheck, but at least we have enough money to afford our necessities, which is all I can ask for really. Another event in 2011 was when my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. We spent a year watching her suffer through debilitating treatments hoping for more time. We were granted a little more time, and for that I am grateful. Sadly, she passed just few months ago which I will write about later. I am so glad though that in the last year we had with her we were able to REALLY appreciate her and spend time with her. I have learned a lot about her that I did not know. The last trying event of 2011 was when my Sam was diagnosed with a seizure disorder. We spent one very long weekend in the hospital while they ran numerous tests. He was diagnosed with Rolandic Seizures. Thankfully he has had very few episodes over the last year. It just breaks my heart to know that he will be on strong anti-seizure meds for some time to come. They do believe that he will outgrow them. We are scheduled for another MRI next week. I am praying for decreased activity. At the end of 2011 I knew that 2012 was going to be better. How could it be worse?

2012 started out well. I had very positive thoughts even though Christmas had been horrible. I was trying to remain positive. We got our income tax return back and finally felt like we could breathe. We were going to put some away, do a few things around the house, buy the kids a few needed items, etc. Then one week later the bottom fell out. My husband was hospitalized and almost died. I was forced to take 2 months off (unpaid), and I am the bread winner in the family. Once again, I have to acknowledge my awesome friends and family who helped us out. With the money we had from our tax return and what our friends were able to raise, we were fine. He was in the hospital for over 2 months and now 10 months later he is still not fully recovered. But it has been so hard watching him struggle with pain EVERY day. To make matters worse, he is addicted to the pain pills, but there is no other way to relieve his pain. We feel so helpless, and none of the doctors can tell us if this is permanent or temporary. All we are told is that it can take 2 years for the nerves to heal. In the meantime he is becoming more and more depressed. He has no life. He never leaves the house except for when he has a doc appointment and he sleeps most of the day. We are working on getting him counseling and more physical therapy, but in the meantime, I just feel helpless. It hurts so badly to see the man I love, the strongest man I know, be so hurt and weak. This has certainly changed ALL of our lives! If that weren’t traumatic enough, my mother lost her battle with cancer just a few months ago. At the beginning of October she was told that there weren’t any other treatment options. She was placed on hospice care and given just weeks to live. Three weeks later I was by her side as she took her last breath. It was, of course, a very emotional time, but at the same time, it was so peaceful. She just fell asleep and never woke up again. I was at her bedside the whole night, determined to be with her. The hospice care nurse was WONDERFUL! She asked if Mom was a believer and when we replied yes, the nurse just smiled and said, “That makes it all the better. She will wake up in such a beautiful, pain fee place that we can only begin to imagine!” I will be forever grateful to this wonderful lady. She made a difficult night, so much better. She helped us get mom comfortable, but before she left ask if she could pray with us. What a blessing this woman is to so many families! My in laws also stopped by, and I will never forget when my mother-in-law quietly sang to her. It was so special! I am so grateful for my dear friends who were there with us determined that I would not be alone. Before my mom passed into the comma she insisted that my friends go out and buy me a birthday cake. You see it was my 44th birthday. Mom had ALWAYS made us a cake, and she was determined that I would have one. Sadly she was not able to enjoy it with us as by that time she was in a comma. My mother hung on to life, I believe, as to NOT die on my birthday. A little past midnight the nurse dropped by again to check and asked if I had given mom my permission to “go”. I said no, not yet. The nurse encouraged me to do so. So, I walked into the room where she was and spoke softly in her ear. I reminded her of the times as a child she would tell me all about heaven and what a wonderful place it was. I told her that I wanted her to go there, find my brother and my father, her parents, my babies, and the rest of our loved ones. I gave her permission telling her that it was OK, my birthday was over. I had a wonderful cake, and it was time for her to go. Shortly after my talk with her, she slipped into the active phase of dying. I stayed by her bed all night, while my friends urged me to get some rest. I refused by told them to. I did catnap a little. I remember it was 6:15 am and when I awoke with a start from one of my short catnaps it was 6:31 am. Sometime in the 15 minutes she passed. At first I felt guilty, but as I have thought about it, I have come to realize that it was as she would have wanted it to be. When I awoke with such a start, I remember feeling like someone had shaken my shoulder, but there was no one there. I think it was her as she was leaving. Later, I got to thinking and found my birth certificate. I was born at 6:20 pm. I really think she was trying to wait until my birthday was over so that her death would not mar my birthday in any way. While it has been difficult and I miss her terribly, I am so glad that she did not suffer and that she is no longer in pain. I am also grateful that we were able to go on vacation together this summer if only for a few days. It was so nice spending time with her. We went to visit her sister, her birthplace. It was so interesting listening to her stories.
So now here we are at the end of another miserable year, and yet I am feeling good. I actually have the holiday spirit (my mom’s favorite holiday)! We were able to afford Christmas gifts for all the kids this year without any help from the church (helped us out last year). We were even able to buy a few things for each other! I know that the holidays are not able presents, but when you are unable to buy things for your children, it gets you down. My children won’t get much, but they will have a nice Christmas. I am also hopefully optimistic about next year. I know that God has everything under control.

I have learned a lot over the last two years. I have learned to be content, no, happy with what I have been blessed with. When we faced losing everything, suddenly what we had was enough. For the first time in my adult life, I can honestly say that I am not envious of what others have. I also learned to lean on God and that it is OK to ask for help. When my husband and mother were so ill, I had to reach and ask for help. It was hard for me to do, but I learned that I could not do it all on my own. Another lesson I learned is to not take life for granted. I almost lost my husband this year. It was a very rough time, but God reminded me that he has me in his arms. I might not always understand, but I know that he walks with me. I also learned that death is a very spiritual event. I don’t quit know how to explain it, but being with my mother when she passed allowed me to understand that death is peace. It is not an end, but a beginning. My cousin said it this way, “I know Aunt Susie is gone from this earth, but it’s like she has moved. She has a new address, and one day I will have one too.” I still feel my mom’s presence all around me. I think of her constantly and know that she is with my in spirit. One day I will see her again. Until then, I rest in the knowledge that she is grand mothering my two babies in heaven. Most importantly, I learned that God has it ALL under control! I have faced some of my worst fears over the last two years, and through it all, God was right beside me. He never left me.

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Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (3) | Permalink

WHAT IF

May 16, 2012 02:01am (EST)

The thought occurred to me today that if my first angel were alive today, we would be preparing for "her" junior year of high school. My second angel would be starting 3rd grade next year...the "big" year when students receive actual grades and have to take state test.

As time has passed, I find myself thinking of them less and less which brings a twing of guilt. There was once a time when I thought I would literally die of grief, but I guess there is some true to the saying that "time heals all wounds". While it may not be entirely true, I remember feeling like I couldn't go one, couldn't get over my grief. Now it has been 15 years since I lost my first angel and my life has continued. I lived through the grief and pain to come out on the other side with a beautiful family, albeit 2 members short.

We celebrated mother's day this past weekend. It was wonderful to spend time with my children, but a part of my heart was missing. I will forever wondering what if? What would my angels look like? what would they be doing? What would their futures hold? I guess that after all these years, these questions still linger.

I am grateful for the chance to be their mother if only for a short time. I thank them for the love and lessons I learned from their short lives. And I continue to wonder "what if".

Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (0) | Permalink

LIFE AND DEATH

Apr 27, 2012 01:54pm (EST)

Life and Death….I have had plenty of opportunity to ponder both lately. What I have learned is that life is a precious gift that should not be taken for granted. I “thought” I learned this lesson when Tucker was born, but I guess I needed a refresher course. Life gets so busy until you are forced to slow down. I was going so hard and fast pursuing what I thought was important until I was forced to stop and re-evaluate everything.

2012 was supposed to be a better year. It started our pretty good. We got a nice, income tax return which allowed us to put some money up and buy a few things we needed. My career was taking off. I had been asked to chair a couple of really important committees, give a presentation to the school board, I was teacher of the year, etc. Then the bottom fell out. My husband almost died.

It’s a long story, but to sum it up he had an abscess that developed gangrene, and then he went septic. I will never forget the doctor telling me that if we had waited much longer he would have died. There were a few days while he was in the ICU that I thought he was going to die. He was on the vent for a week before he finally turned the corner. Then he spent another 45 days in the hospital while his wound healed and he learned to walk again. All total he spent nearly 2 months in the hospital. To say this was a trying time for our family would be an understatement. There were plenty of days that I cried myself to sleep. But in the end, we ALL learned valuable lessons.

I took 2 months off work to be home with the kids and tend to my husband’s care. Of course I did not have enough leave to cover all that time, but thankfully my church and our friends raised money to help us. Also, we had the money from our income tax return. A good friend of mine reminded me that everything would be OK. I had to take care of my family and lean on God and others to help. This was really hard for me as I do not like to ask for help. During the last couple of months I have learned how to ask for help. I have to say that our friends and family are AMAZING!

There have been some good things during all of this. One being the time I have been able to spend with my children. I have really enjoyed my time home with my children. Even though it has been very stressful, especially when we were running back and forth to the hospital, I have treasured our time together. Let me just say, that I do NOT envy single parents; it was so tough making ALL the decisions, etc. But I am thankful for that time because I feel like I was given an opportunity to spend more time with them. While my husband was in the hospital the boys took turns sleeping with me at night. It was so nice to snuggle up to them at the end of the day and just talk to them, one-on-one. Sam is such a little, darling! He is also very funny! So much like my dad. He is a wiz with numbers, although he doesn’t’ like school thanks to his teacher (another long story). Tucker LOVES school! I can’t wait until he goes to kindergarten next year. His personality is really starting to shine. HE is SO determined to have things HIS way! I should have known a long time ago (his birth) that we were in trouble! All kidding aside, he continues to remind me every day of the miracle that he is. Lately, he has gotten into drawing. I am amazed at his abilities at just 5 years old. I might have a little artist on my hands! Hannah is turning into a beautiful young lady. I am so proud of her. She received excellent grades and was recommended for the National Junior Honor Society. Her voice is developing into quite a wonder! I think she wants to pursue a career in music, and I am just so proud of her! I said that already didn’t I? She has been such a great help during her daddy’s hospital stay! I don’t know how I would have made it without her. We have also grown closer as mother and daughter which is something I will forever be grateful for. She confides in me now in a way that she did not previously. It is so nice.

One of the many negatives during this time has been the fact that I have not been able to be “there” for my mother. You might remember that she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in September. She has gone through several rounds of treatments which is just so painful to watch. It is so hard to watch the one woman in my life who had always been my rock suffer. She can literally due little more than lie on the couch. She is so weak. Furthermore, she has lost so much weight. It is just heartbreaking. I am afraid that she is going downhill. Lately I have found myself wondering what I will do without her. I just cannot fathom life without her. I am trying really hard to cherish every minute we have with her, but it is just so hard. I don’t want her to suffer, and yet I want her to be here when my kids graduate, go to college, get married, have babies, etc. I know that one day soon she will leave us behind, and I just can’t stop crying.

Finding the silver lining is all of this has not been easy. I don’t believe that God caused all of this, but I do believe he used the situation to his advantage. I find myself leaning on him more and trusting that he has everything under control. I have often wondered how we would survive if one of us got really sick and I had to stop working. Most of you know that we filed bankruptcy last year. Although my husband brings home a small pension, I am the breadwinner in the family. I have stressed that we didn’t have money put away for the proverbial rainy day. Well, what I discovered is that we can survive a tragedy when we allow God to be in control. Moreover, I have learned to change the way I pray. Instead of asking God for a particular outcome, I have learned to ask God for the strength to handle whatever comes. I am beginning to learn that I don’t need the answer to “why?” I just need to trust in the Creator and lean on His will. Thanks and God bless,

Elizabeth

Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (8) | Permalink

5 YEARS AND GOODBYE 2011

Dec 31, 2011 03:42pm (EST)

Can it be? Today marks the 5 year anniversary of Tucker’s homecoming from the NICU. It is so hard to believe that it has been five years! He continues to do well. He started pre-school this year, and we have seen a lot of improvement in “little” things like his coloring, how he holds a pencil, and his social interactions. He teacher has noted that he needs improvement with his fine motor skills, but overall he is doing well and LOVES school He still gets sick at the drop of a hat and currently we are fighting yet another bout of bronchitis. So far he has not developed asthma, but the docs warn us that he may develop it. Overall, the “marks” of his premature birth seem to be fading. If only the memories would too.

I am amazed at how quickly the old fears and emotions are brought back up even after 5 years. A friend of mine just delivered her son prematurely on Christmas day. He was 32 weeks. Thankfully he had the benefits of the steroid shots and has been breathing on his own, but everything else is the same. I hurt for her as she had to leave her son behind and go home, but I was also able to offer some information and practical tips for surviving the NICU. Just looking at her brings back all the old emotions that I “thought” I had dealt with already. It’s just a reminder that the NICU experience is not something that just goes away. It not only permanently scarred my son, it also scarred me.

So on to other news, since it is the end of the year I thought I would take a look back. The rest of this blog might be bleak so be forewarned. I just feel like I need to “get it all out” so I can let it go. So here goes.

My mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in September. At the time we were told that she may only have weeks to live. Thankfully she is responding well to treatments. We were told that with treatments she could have as much as 2 years. This has been a hard pill to swallow. I just don’t know what I will do without her. We are trying to take it one day at a time and savor the time we have with her, but the reality is always there haunting me. She is beginning to lose her hair. I didn’t’ think this would affect me the way it has, but seeing her bald just makes me cry. My sister was here for a little while taking care of her, but she has since gone home. This has caused a lot of animosity on my part. The reason she went home is because she cannot deal with her son. I don’t know if you remember, but my mother has custody of my nephew. It has caused a lot of stress on my mom. She needs to concentrate on getting well, but she had the stress of raising an angry 17 year old now. I just wish my sister would have taken him home with her so that mom would not have to deal with it, but in her typical selfish way, she went home without him leaving my mother to deal with it all. I have tried my best to help. He has been with us for most of the Christmas break. I just don’t know what else to do. I am trying very hard to hold onto today because who knows what tomorrow will bring.

On the same weekend that mom was diagnosed with cancer my Sam was diagnosed with epilepsy. He is doing well. He has not had any more episodes, but according to a recent MRI he still has abnormal brain activity. He is taking Keepra. We have noticed to undesirable side effects from this medication. My usually sweet little boy is becoming hostile and jittery. He bounces around and cannot keep still. Worse is the way it has affected his personality. He is usually a very sweet child, but since being medicated he has become mean. It breaks my heart. What are we to do? He needs the meds. It has also affected his schooling. Last year, he was the model student. His teacher just loved him, and Sam LOVED school! Things are different this year. Sam does not like school. This also breaks my heart. I guess I should look at the bright side, he has not had any more episodes and the doc thinks he will grow out of it by the time he is a teen. I hope we can make it that long.

This has been an extremely stressful year financially for us. I am sure we are not alone as the economy is so depressed. We declared bankruptcy this month. I am not proud of this, but it is what it is. We have not had a raise in over 4 years, my husband is on disability for a back injury, and the prices of everything from gas to groceries just continues to rise. I have picked up more work and am looking for another career in education that pays more. Simply put, we need to make more money. Having to shell out $1400 for an attorney just before Christmas was not good. Had it not been for the kindness of our friends, our kids would not have had Christmas this year. I think this was the hardest to accept. I NEVER thought I would have to accept charity, but…. I am so thankful though and realize that there are many children out there who did not have Christmas. So we declared bankruptcy and everything that could broke down this year: washing machine, lawn mower, both vehicles, refrigerator, and our spare freezer. Sam spent a weekend in the hospital and Tucker had been back and forth to the doctor all year. It just seems like it never ends. I am thankful that I have a job and at least we were able to keep our house.

Christmas was stressful around here because there is “stuff” going on with my husband’s family. His siblings pretty much told him that they wanted nothing to do with him. There has always been animosity there because my husband was adopted by his father when he married his mother. My husband has never felt like he measured up. He is constantly reminded that he is not good enough. He doesn’t go to church and “lives a lifestyle” that is not acceptable because he drinks. He is not an alcoholic, but enjoys alcohol on occasion. He also enjoys rock-n-roll music. His father is a preacher who believes that drinking is evil. It is really sad. Just as we were facing the most difficult year of our lives, his family decides to turn their back on him. Christmas was very hard. We went to his mother’s house only for the children’s sake. No one spoke to us (except his mom and dad), and we spoke to no one. You could cut the tension with a knife. We left as soon as we could. My husband is really hurt by it all. He has apologized (even though he was not in the wrong), but they (his siblings) refuse to acknowledge him. My heart breaks for him. All he ever wanted was to be accepted for who he is.

I also have a teenager in my house now! Hannah turned 13 this year. I love my daughter, but boy oh boy I don’t like the teenage attitudes! She is not a bad kid, but let’s just say that she is pushing the boundaries our my patience! I just hope I can survive the next several years. She is doing well in school (honor roll), and she is in the school talent show! I am so very proud of her. They had to try out and she made it! She has a beautiful voice. Overall, things are OK on the front.

So it has been an eventful year. I am so looking forward to saying goodbye to 2011. I am looking for only good things in 2012! Happy New Year and God bless!

Elizabeth

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Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (5) | Permalink

THE OTHER SHOE FELL

Sep 24, 2011 02:14pm (EST)

My last entry is titled "what's next?". Well it didn't take long for the other shoe to fall.

Last weekend Sam had a seizure at school. We spent the entire weekend at the children's hospital while they tried to figure out what is going on. He had several test that showed nothing wrong which puzzled the doc. His neurologist, thank God for him, just felt like something wasn't right so he wanted to keep him to run more test. When they ran the EEG he found irregular brain activity and diagnosed him with seizure disorder. Sam has been on meds and is scheduled for an MRI (for which he has to be sedated) on Tues. This test should gives us more info. About the seizures. In the meantime, Sam is doing well. He had a BLAST in the hospital. He told me he wanted to live there, lol. He said, "mommy, they bring you good food, toys, they have a Play Station, and a game room! But the best part is that there are no brothers or sisters and I get you all to myself!". I just love that boy!

So while my son is in the hospital, my mother is taken to the ER because she was having trouble breathing. I was no able to see her because I was af the other hospital with Sam. Once Sam was released I rushed over to see about my mom. When I got there the doc. Pulled my aside to tell me that she has terminal cancer and has weeks left. However he was quick to point out that he is not an oncologist and we would have to wait for the biopsy results to be certain. So my mom was released I. The care of a thoracic surgeon even though it is highly unlikely that it is operable. We are waiting for the biopsy results so she can be referred to an oncologist to see if there are any treatments that might prolong her life. It is all too much to bear.

So onto of all of this, our neighbor has put a hole in our pool and taken a peace bond out on my husband. We knew the pool was leaking water, but had no clue why. So with everything else going on, we decided to just cover it and deal with it next summer. Oh yeah...just thought of one more thing. My husband hit my car the other day backing out of the driveway,and we must dropped our coverage a few weeks back to try and save money.

When it rains it pours. Thanks for letting me get this all out. Please keep my mom and Sam in your prayers.

God bless,

Elizabeth

Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (6) | Permalink

WHAT’S NEXT?

May 27, 2011 12:25am (EST)

I know this blog is supposed to be about my preemies, but I need to get this out. We are filing for bankruptcy. There, I said it. That’s not so bad right? Wrong. I am racked with guilt, shame, and shame.

We don’t have any excuse except that we don’t have enough income to support a household of 5. According to the state means test (data collected by the census bureau) we should be making somewhere near $90,000 a year. Last year we made a little over $64, 000. I have worked several part time jobs to help supplement our income, but it has not been enough nor has it been steady. My husband cannot work as he is disabled. I was really hoping to teach summer school this summer, as I have done every summer for several years, but I did not get a contract. I feel like even if we didn’t make as much as we are “supposed” to, we should still be able to pay our bills. I never thought this would happen to me, yet here I am. All I know is that when I look at my children, and I am not able to provide some of the very basics for them, I hurt somewhere very deep inside. I just don’t know what else to do.

I am so afraid. We are trained to flee bankruptcy. It is evil. How can I face my friends and family? What will our future hold? Will we lose the house? Believe me when I say our house is not much, but it is in one of the better school systems only because my lower, middle class neighborhood skirts an upper class neighborhood. I can’t stop crying when I think about having to take our kids out of the only school they have known. They don’t deserve this. We have failed them.

We will observe our 22nd anniversary tomorrow. It won’t be much of a celebration, but at least we will be together. Many people say that bankruptcy ruins a marriage. I hope ours can withstand it.

We have lost hope, and that is a terrible feeling. We do not hope for a better future. We only hope to be able to put food on the table and one day be able to spend $20 without over-drafting our account. Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder. God bless,

Elizabeth

Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (6) | Permalink

WHY I MARCH

May 01, 2011 12:47am (EST)

Why I March for Babies

Four years ago we faced one of the worst nightmares parents can imagine. Our son was born 2 months early. He spent 28 long days in the NICU. Today, he is a healthy, happy four year old. I never would have imagined that the March of Dimes would become so important to me, but Tucker changed all of that.

I walk…

• Because Tucker was one of the lucky ones. Had it not been for Surfactant therapy, he may not have survived

• Because I have two angel babies.

• Because I have three living blessings - Hannah, Sam, and Tucker

• Because I care, for I have been there.

• Because I almost lost my faith.

• Because others walked before me.

• Because 500,000 babies are born prematurely each year.

• Because 120,000 are born with birth defects annually.

•Because 28,000 babies die before their first birthday each year.

• Because there is still work to be done.

• Because we ARE making a difference.

Tomorrow I will participate in my fourth March for Babies. I am so happy that I am able to help others as many others did before me.

Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (1) | Permalink

UPDATES

Apr 01, 2011 08:17pm (EST)

Hannah-Hannah turned 12 in December. It is so hard to believe that my baby girl is going to be a teenager. She already looks like she is 16, and I am not handling it very well. She started middle school this year, is in all advanced classes, and I am proud to say, doing exceptionally well. She makes me so proud. She continues to a sweet, caring, energetic girl. She actually started a little movement here. A couple of weeks ago she put a red dot on her hand. When I asked her about it, her response was, “It is to remind me to pray for Japan.” After wearing it to church, a concert, and to school, several other people have sported their own red dot! She is still playing advanced soccer. Her position is goalie, and she plays very well! I am so glad that she has found a sport she loves. She is also in Girl Scouts and a club at church. To say that least, she stays busy. Oh, she also has a more active social life than me right now. All in all, she is doing very well and making me incredibly proud. I just wish she didn’t have to grow up. I want her to stay my sweet, little girl who used to want to be with me every minute of every day.

Sam-Sam is my darling. He also makes me laugh every day. He LOVES school. He is also doing very well, always ahead of his class. His teacher’s just love him, and have told me that Sam sets the example for all the other students. That’s my boy! He is involved in a club at church called Royal Rangers. It is a lot like Boy Scouts. He really likes it and can’t wait for their meetings every Sunday. Now days, he is addicted to the Wii or home computer. The jury is still out on this one. I haven’t decided how I feel about all the time he plays games. Some days I have to literally kick him out the door. I want him to explore nature, not get lost in a video game. His allergies are starting to kick in, poor boy. He is back on his meds and doing much better. I wanted to get him and Tucker on some kind of team this summer, but it looks like it will have to wait until next year. We just don’t have the money to pay for all three right now. Every day I look at him I am reminded of my father whom I miss dearly. Sam is so much like my dad. I am so grateful for him, and the peace he has brought to my heart.

Tucker-Tucker is GROWING. I can’t believe I am going to say this, but my 3 lb preemie is now bigger than his older brother! Tucker is taking after his daddy who is 6’3”! Tucker turned 4 in December. I look at him often and can’t believe how incredibly blessed I am. I can’t imagine not having him in my life. He has taught me so much about faith and love. He becoming quit inquisitive, and I am constantly surprised by his sharp, little mind. I have to admit that he tugs at my heartstrings often. I so wish I could stay home with him. He asked me every day if I have to go to work the next day. I have to tell him yes and explain that he is very lucky to have daddy stay with him, but I have to admit, that it breaks my heart sometimes. Tucker has a very interesting personality. On the one hand, he is very loving. He gives me many “Tucker” hugs and kisses. Lately he comes up to me, hugs me, and tells me that he is giving my all his love. So sweet! I will cherish those moments always. On the other hand, he is developing a defiant attitude that I could live without. He does NOT like to be told no. His “red head” syndrome really kicks in. We are working out way through the terrible fours. Tucker is FINALLY potty trained!!! Yeah!!! It took him forever, but he finally got it. Now he gets to go to pre-school next year. He is really looking forward to it.

Me-I am in my second year at a new school. I am teaching alternative ed. Again, and I LOVE it. I am so glad that I made the decision to change schools. Recently I was named Teacher of the Year. I am still in shock. I am so honored and humbled by it all. I am currently a semi-finalist for the division. I have to admit that it is nice to have my work recognized and appreciated. I am staying busy working 2 jobs, writing a book, writing curriculum, chairing a committee, acting as vice-president of the ladies ministries at my church, and trying to raise money for the MFB. I have to admit, that I am finding it hard this year to get motivated, but I am trying. On a sad note, my mother has moved out of state to take custody of my 17 year old nephew. It is a very long story, but the gist of it is that my sister and her husband just gave up on him. For a while, I didn’t talk to my sister, but we are slowly trying to rebuild our relationship. I miss my mom terribly. She is going to move back home for the summer and I can’t wait to see her again!

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to update, but as you can see, I am very busy. I have been “lurking” reading your post and occasionally making comments. Please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. God bless,

Elizabeth

Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (4) | Permalink

FOUR YEARS AGO TODAY...

Dec 31, 2010 04:52pm (EST)

We finally brought home our miracle!

It is so hard to believe that it has been 4 years, yet on the other hand it seems like it was so long ago. I don't post here as much as I use to. I think it is because we are so removed from the effects of his premature birth. I know how lucky we are. There are so many babies born as early as Tucker who are still suffering. I often wonder why. Why were we so lucky when others we not? I wish I had the answers. In the meantime, I continue to pop in now and again to offer support. Please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Tucker reminds me everyday of the blessings we have. Just the other day when I asked what he was doing, he said, "Mommy, I am pretending!" Like I should have known, silly me. It is little things, like pretending, that I no longer take for granted. I try very hard to cherish these little things and not to sweat the small stuff. I still distinctly remember as I held my tiny miracle in the NICU if he would be "normal". Would he be able to walk, talk, pretend, etc. I am so truly blessed. He has taught me so much about what is really important. He keeps me grounded and is a constant reminder that I cannot control anything. Sometimes you just have to "let go and let God".

Anyway, sorry for the rambling. I just couldn't let this day go by without remembering my tiny miracle and all that he has taught me. Happy New Years! God bless,

Elizabeth

pics

#1 Can you see me? Tucker playing hide-n-seek
#2 Tucker enjoying snowcream for the first time.

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Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (4) | Permalink

TRYING TO FIND THE LIGHT

Sep 28, 2010 02:10pm (EST)

I must first apologize for my absence . I have been present reading blogs and occasionally offering comments, but for the last couple of months I have been struggling to make sense out of so many tragedies. I thought I had this behind me. I thought that I found my answers only to discover that the questions are still there. Why?

A few months back I was reading blogs here on Share and became overwhelmed with the number of angels. I have my own angels, but I thought I had reconciled them. I thought I understood or at least was able to accept the whys. While reading Stacey’s (Emilyn and Hailey’s mom) blog, Shannon(Gunnar and Tristan’s mom) blogs, and Mike’s (Layla’s dad)blog the questions slipped back in like a dirty secret. I began to feel like a hypocrite because I am always that one assuring everyone that God is there holding them through all their misery. While I still believe this, it has become harder and harder to accept that God can’t do something about it.

A while back, I wrote a blog about how God doesn’t want us to suffer. Like an earthly father, our heavenly father wants nothing but the best for us. He does all he can to help guide us and steer us clear of hard times, but just like our earthly children, sometimes we don’t listen. Sometimes we make our own decisions and have to live with the consequences. I also went on to talk about “original sin” and how it was never God’s plan for us to suffer. While I still believe all of this, I have been questioning again. If God is all powerful, then why doesn’t he step in and help? As parents, when we see our children suffering we do everything we can to make it better. We would stop at nothing to make it all better. So why doesn’t He?

Growing up I belonged to a church (and still do) that believes in miracles. There are several in my congregation who have seen actual miracles first hand. My MIL often talks about seeing someone’s withered arm grow in front of her eyes. While I have never witnessed something of this magnitude, I have witnessed other miracles like my son. I call him my miracle all the time, but is he really? Maybe we just got lucky. Does God still perform miracle or does he sit back like the Deist believe and let us run our own lives? So you can see my dilemma.

As I began pondering these questions, more tragedy began to unfold. A little over a month ago, my faith was rocked again when my sister-in-law’s boyfriend was murdered by one of his family members. As I type this it is still so hard to believe that Dave is gone. A little history is needed here. He is the father of my nephew, but he and my sister-in-law never married. You see, Dave was not living a good life, mixed up in drugs, couldn’t keep a job, abusive, etc. My SIL finally broke it off with him about 6 years ago. Then last year Dave started going to church and straightened out his life. HE became a devoted and loved member of our church. He was leading our young boys program, and all the boys loved him including my own. Come to find out, my SIL and Dave had gotten back together and the night before he was murdered, they were picking our engagement rings. To make matters worse, his father died 2 weeks before Dave was murdered. Even more horrible is that his mother and 4 year old nephew witnessed the whole thing. You can imagine how difficult this has been. All I keep thinking is why? Why now?

Now Missy’s precious Sammy is gone too. It’s just too much. I can’t stop crying every time I think about that sweet little boy and the pain his family is going through right now. Although I never met Sammy in person, I did meet his mom and have grown to love their family. Why did he have to suffer only to lose his battle in the end? Why does his family have to suffer so much pain? It’s just too much.

A lot of people misquote a scripture in the Bile, First Corinthians 10:13 “…God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” What amazes me is that often times only part of the verse is recited. It does NOT say that we will be spared tragedy. It does NOT say that we won’t endure awful times. It ONLY promises that when we are TEMPTED God will provide a way to bear it. The death of a loved one is unbearable! It is just too much for anyone to bear.

I am sorry about this downer of a blog, but I know that this is a place where you all understand. I am struggling to find the light amidst all the darkness. Thanks for listening and understanding. Your prayers are desired. God bless,

Elizabeth

Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (3) | Permalink

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