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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(2 members)
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lvazquez6 |
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T-M-B's Momm…6 |
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OUR BLUEBERRY
Akeelah's Mommy |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
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EXITING CRAZY TOWN
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Dec 22, 2009 09:35pm (EST)
I will not get my hopes up as we've seen how well that works out. Instead we are firmly in neutral hopefully pointing at the exit of crazy town where it rains shoes all day long.
I took it uber easy today. Seriously I am walking at a snails pace whenever I go somewhere. 80 year old ladies with walkers are passing me, but whatever. I even drove slow, and that's hard to do in my zippy lil' car. I rolled around my office in my rolly chair instead of getting up. Oh yes I did and why haven't I done that all the time?! It's so much fun. Actually might have to nix that plan from the keep the blood pressure down list...
Anyway, NST went fine. Besides it being absolutely heartbreaking, baby looked great. I of course had to have a nice big contraction which I think was my tummy saying, "Hey, I remember these things... I remember what we do when they're on.. we contract!" Stupid. It was really surprising because I think because of the P17 I rarely have any braxton hicks.
Blood pressure was definitely high when it woke me up at 5am but after chattin' with Julie and attempting a little more shut eye before the alarm went off it was actually in the normal range for the first time in days! It was higher at the appointment of course, but lower then the highest its been and has stayed lower today. Totally not getting my hopes up that it will stay this way, but hey I'll take it.
So we'll continue the 2x/day blood pressure checks, bi weekly NSTs, weekly 24hr catches and blood work (thank freakin' goodness for all those holiday and furlough Fridays!) and doctors willing to take my call or email whenever. Pretty good reassuring plan.
Today feels so much better than yesterday. The love, support and understanding that I feel here among everyone is the best holiday gift I could ever ask for. I credit that more than anything with lowering my blood pressure today!
Keeping it in neutral.
-L
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (14) | Permalink
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DETOUR PLEASE
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Dec 21, 2009 09:25pm (EST)
"We feel you're on the road to pre-eclampsia."
"I'd like a detour then. Where's the exit ramp."
The conversation went downhill from there.
No really. I want off! I am beyond angry. Seriously. I mean seriously. Adding insult to injury is the timing of all of this. We're 29 weeks. When things really started falling apart for Akeelah and I. And now, here we are again and things are beginning to crack again.
Tomorrow I will go in for 1 of 2 weekly NSTs. The same plan we had with Akeelah. I'm going to have to work so hard at finding the silver lining to this similar repeat of events. So infuriating to have to find silver linings.
I'm trying to keep my humor about me and hold this news at bay. We don't officially meet for pre-eclampsia at this point. My blood pressure is just steadily rising along with my protein, but not at the official threshold yet. Stupid blood pressure. 
I'm so thankful that I have a team of doctors I love. One who is ready for me to go to Oahu next week and the other who will monitor me here. This is one enormous difference this time around. They bring me at least a little measure of peace. They both met Akeelah and would do anything and everything in their power to prevent us the same heart ache.
This is the pits. And all this after I had just turned a point where I was feeling good. Feeling in the home stretch mentally and physically. It's like once again being smacked upside the head for feeling joy for even a minute.
I'm frustrated. I'm scared. I'm ANGRY! All which does wonders for my blood pressure.  Stupid blood pressure. Stupid protein. Stupid.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (18) | Permalink
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CHARTED TERRITORY
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Dec 08, 2009 12:38am (EST)
"If you can't change it, change the way you think about it." Such hard words to live by.
A lot of things down right stink about going through pregnancy with your eyes wiiiiiiiiiide open. And I could spent a lot of my waking time focusing only on those things. The worry, the anxiety, the fear, the loss of innocence. I'm uber good at focusing on those things. I'd say I'm Pro material on that front.
What I am trying so hard to get better at is changing my thinking since the only thing I can really control is that annoying little voice in my noggin. It's exhausting work but I think the benefits are starting to out weigh the sheer exhaustion.
Our 26th week was an unexpected turning point. A certain little angel was on my mind so much that week. I was so humbled thinking about her. She reminded me to be thankful and more attentive and appreciative of each kick. I found such strength in her memory. In the memory of all our angels.
That same week I got to spend time with an uber cool mommy of a 26 weeker and I couldn't help but look at my tummy and think, "huh, I know what you look like." And I've kinda kept on doing that. Sure I guess knowing what your baby looks like during these weeks when you should never know takes a little bit of the wonder out of the whole process, but I'm finding a lot of peace in it.
Each week we pass I think of the mommies and babies here that have shown me what this little one looks like, what a birth today would be like and wake up the next morning so grateful for the opportunity for one more day.
In some strange way I feel like these weeks from 24-30 when we had Akeelah are going to be comfortable... delicate, but comfortable. They are charted territory for me. I actually find myself feeling anxious for after 30 weeks. I know... how backwards is that!
26 weeks on top of the Sears Tower
DSC04314
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (18) | Permalink
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A DELICATE TIME
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Dec 04, 2009 10:52am (EST)
I'm walking on egg shells around myself. I can't believe these times are colliding. I can't believe I'm about to say two years ago.
Two years ago December we conceived Akeelah. We "knew" but didn't officially test until January 5th. We were over the moon! First try a success. Amazing. If last year is any indication I know between now and June starts the reliving of a train wreck.
Tomorrow I'm 27 weeks. It's hard for me to look at my tummy all the "right" size. At this point with Akeelah I measured 10 weeks ahead and was seriously the size of a house. This is when all the appointments started getting more frequent. We'll hit the 30w 6d mark (when we delivered) right around the same time we found out we were expecting two years ago. It's bittersweet being "normal" sized this time around. I feel so insanely small.
It feels like a delicate time. I'm on egg shells around myself. I'm so aware that there is a deep chasm of sadness that I could fall into at any moment. I'm working so hard at keeping myself out of that place; keeping that wolf at bay. It's a conscious effort that is exhausting- but certainly worth it. Over the last year and a half with the help of so many on Share and in my life I feel I've gotten better and recognizing thoughts that only serve to bring myself and Akeelah's memory down.
It's going to be one long holiday season.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (10) | Permalink
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EXACTLY HOW MANY SHOES ARE THERE?
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Nov 20, 2009 10:48pm (EST)
Three weeks ago we had the blood in the shi shi scare.
Two weeks ago we had the pre-eclampsia scare.
This week... one night of debilitating back pain and cramping and a diagnosis of hydronephrosis.. right kidney backed up like a traffic jam on the H1 and possible kidney stones.
Seriously. Not cool. Not cool at all. While of all things I know this is minini (small) it's just... come on! I've never in my entire life had any issues with my kidneys, never a UTI or anything!
Thank goodness for our sense of humor because at this point it's like really? What else ya got? Only good news I got about me at today's appointment was that my cervix was actually longer than last time. Score 1 for me. This will be the pregnancy where baby gets all the good reports and I fall apart in the process.
The worst part of all this is we are, or should say were due to leave for a Turkey Day trip to the mainland Monday. Doc currently has me on the No Fly List... Dang it. Stupid kidney.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (14) | Permalink
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A FOREIGN LIFE
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Nov 13, 2009 09:29pm (EST)
This life of mine doesn't always feel like it's mine. Tonight it feels foreign. So many familiar things that I thought would be with me for so long are just gone.
I can not tell you how close I was with our dog Scout. He was *my* dog. I chose him. I took care of him. We spent all our time together. He was my bestest friend and I trusted him completely.
The new dog is not mine. It's Lance's dog. I play with him and hang with him and try to feel close but it's a foreign relationship. Every once and awhile when I play with him by myself outside he goes into crazy/evil dog and charges me and gets just crazy. While I know it's play it scares me and makes me miss my Scouters more than anything. I always always felt safe with him. I don't think this dog likes me like Scout did.
I'm scared this baby doesn't like me like Akeelah did. This baby kicks my bladder and cervix in an unfriendly way. Akeelah's kicks were always so gentle and friendly. The round ligament pains I have with this pregnancy are down right painful. I never had those with Akeelah. When I compare the two Akeelah's pregnancy was a dream. I enjoyed every minute of it and it was easy as pie. It was only after she was born when she was coding that it turned into a nightmare. This pregnancy feels like extremely hard and draining work.
I know it's silly to compare dogs and babies, but with Scout and Akeelah it just felt right. It felt comfortable. The parallels in my emotions are unnerving to me. With Ruger and this little one it feels foreign, as if I'm living a life that doesn't belong to me.
Tomorrow makes 24 weeks, the infamous viability mark. I'm well aware to be thankful for each week. Especially as I can name babies that were born during these weeks. I had wanted 24 to be my D day of sorts.. the day I begin truly enjoying things. That might have been wishful thinking. While I know I am making progress I don't think I'm there yet. I find myself doing more of a countdown. At this point in my last pregnancy I only had 6 more weeks to enjoy my little girl. We're also getting close to the time when we became pregnant with Akeelah.
What a rambly night.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (12) | Permalink
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AND THERE *YOU* ARE.
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Nov 06, 2009 03:39pm (EST)
Oh hello Crisis. Been waiting for you. Was wondering when you'd show up.
I got to work like normal and got all set up in the office. Went to go use the bathroom and there lurked crisis. Blood in shi-shi (That's for you Julie) and cramping. Called the doctor's office immediately, did not pass go, did not collect $200, straight from work to office.
It was the longest car ride of my life crunching numbers, statistics, stories and worst case scenarios. Finally felt baby kick about 2min out from the doctor's office. Got all checked out. Cervix nice and closed. No blood to be found near or around cervix. Baby heart rate nice and steady. Likely bladder infection- first one ever. I'll get a call tomorrow to confirm. 'Til then it's rest at home with cranberry juice. Regardless go back Monday for my regularly scheduled appointment.
Glad you finally made your appearance Crisis. You can go away now and never ever ever return again.
Friday update. It's not a bladder infection just unexplained bleeding. seriously. I need unexplained anything like I need a hole in the head. While somewhere I know it's probably nothing, maybe a small kidney stone or something random, I know way too much about what "nothing" can turn into.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (13) | Permalink
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