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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(2 members)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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pPROM-Queen2…6 |
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WITHOUT DRAKE
Drake09 |
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FIRST ENTRY
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Oct 18, 2010 02:50am (EST)
On the advice of one of the loving ladies, I decided to start a blog. Each day is a struggle and sometimes a wonderful blessing and then on the other hand it's a horrible reminder of what I am missing. My precious son, Drake. Many times we do not even use his name. Drake is always "my baby", "my son", "my sweetheart". It is very hard to speak his name when he is not here to answer to it. I don't know why it has been so hard to recover. I wish I could be one of those awesome women who can smile instead of cry when it comes to my son, but I am not and I have to accept that I may not be for a long time. A year and 3 months seems like a long time, but to me some days it was July 28, 2009, yesterday. The pain is not entirely the same anymore. Now it is an ache that is more devastating than the shock. Shock I knew I would get over and go on, but the ache I was not ready for. When his 1st heavenly birthday came, I thought okay the year mark is here I can make decisions, change my life again for the better. But, I found I don't have any plans and the plans I have are just marks on the calendar and don't have the same joy anymore. I feel like I am suffering and it is all my fault for not wanting to move on or not trying hard enough to do so. I know I have to change. I WANT to change. I am just so tired and fatigued at heart that is a struggle to get out of bed anymore. I know it is depression, I just know it and that is what scares me. I am a nurse and trained to the see the signs and I know what to do to help people with depression. I have no idea why I am not able to do this for myself. It is effecting my job performance too. What do I do when any other person's physical pain makes me angry or I feel almost nothing? I became a nurse to help people, to feel for people, be closer to people. I feel guilty later for not feeling for other people when they are in pain, but it hard to feel for them when all you feel is pain yourself. I don't want to say I am feeling sorry for myself, but it feels that way sometimes. I feel hypocritical and guilty and wrong. My pain is not anymore important than anyone else's pain. Everyone hurts, it's just at this time, I feel I have to fix mine or I am never going to be able to help anyone or myself.
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Posted by Drake09 | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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