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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(1 member)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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MY LITTLE ANGELS
stacyat |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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DEPLOYING
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Jan 18, 2012 11:17pm (EST)
So Charles is deploying this summer. While I'm not happy that he is leaving, I'm happy with the timing of it, sort of. We had considered trying to conceive another little one sometime this summer, but that'll be moved back to the fall since he's going to be gone. I'm glad that he's going when we're stationed at "home" for me and not too far away from both of our families. Also that I've got a wonderful support system aside from that. I'm a member of a mom's club and could be doing things every day if I wanted to with them. Also we've started going to church and could keep busy with that. So while it sucks, a lot, the timing is not incredibly horrible. At least it's not when we're so far away from family that I would be totally isolated from them. Also having Elim to occupy my time will help!
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (11) | Permalink
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I FORGOT
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Dec 31, 2011 03:13am (EST)
So today as I was coming home from dinner I realized that it is the 30th, and I forgot. I think this is the first time that I totally forgot for most of the day that it's the anniversary of losing the girls, 25 months today. I didn't buy them flowers like I have every 30th since 4 months after losing them, even though I got a pretty little bud vase to put them in for Christmas. I feel a little twinge of sadness and regret but for the most part I'm ok with it. I think because I started this because I was always sad on the 30th. But now I'm not always sad on their anniversary, it's more random times when I'm sad. So maybe instead of buying them on the 30th now, I'll just buy them when I feel a little sad about missing them and want something pretty to look at, the original purpose anyway was to bring a smile to my face when I'm sad. Ah the ever changing path grief takes us on.
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (12) | Permalink
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DONE
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Dec 23, 2011 10:22pm (EST)
Elim has been sick three out of the last four weeks, the last nine days of which have been bad. I'm just done at this point. We started out with steroids and antibiotics because he had an ear infection too. He got a high fever after that, and three days later we added another antibiotic and albuterol breathing treatments because he was no better. Two days after that he we called again because he was worse, and extended his steroids and amped up how often we were giving his breathing treatments. Today, still no better and we went back in. His chest x-ray looked pretty clean though she said it did look like some viral stuff going on in there. No pneumonia at least. His breath sounds were pretty good, and his ears looked clear of infection finally! But when we checked his oxygen saturation it was running 92-93. Ugh, not completely unexpected but not where I'd like my baby to be sitting fully awake and alert. They're not utterly horrible, he was due for another breathing treatment at the time but it makes me wonder what he's doing while he's sleeping. His doctor said she was surprised at his numbers with how good he sounds, but that she was happy with them being above 90 and to keep on doing what we're doing. We've added pulmicort twice a day now, so hopefully that'll get him over the hump. His pediatrician said that we're doing a good job of keeping on top of his treatments and keeping him out of the hospital. Which sounds good, till you think that if we weren't doing his treatments he'd be bad enough to be in the hospital....again, not something you exactly want to hear in regards to your baby! I'm ready for him to be healthy so I can stop worrying about him and he can feel better, I'm about at the end of my rope. Especially when he starts screaming through his treatments on occasion.
When he got RSV at two weeks old and was wheezy then our doctor warned us that he'd probably start doing stuff like this every time he gets sick. I'd like to get my hands on whatever nurse didn't wash her hands before coming in to look at him. So much for full termers having good lungs.
Here's a couple of pictures from his appointment today, we were cracking up at him during his x-ray. He was happy as could be in there, and trying to eat the plastic, and licking the x-ray pad! Also a picture of what they've named the medieval torture device, kinda funny.
iphone 152
iphone 153
iphone 154
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (10) | Permalink
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A REVELATION
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Dec 09, 2011 02:44am (EST)
So after talking with some friends about the girls and seeing them move I think I had a bit of a revalation. I always felt kind of bad because I thought that Emilyn passed away all by herself laying in the warmer while I was pushing her sister out. But now I don't think she did, I think she passed away in my arms, so she wasn't alone. I saw both of the girls move just one time, and it was awhile after they were born, like almost an hour at least for both of them. Before that I never saw any movement, no attempts at breaths or anything. I think maybe those one little movements I saw each of them do was their moment of passing. Like when you hear of people giving a sigh as they pass, something like that. That gives me a little more comfort thinking that they both passed away while I was snuggling them close.
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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TWO YEARS
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Dec 01, 2011 03:07am (EST)
It has been a full two years since I held my daughters safely in my belly. A full two years since I felt Emilyn dancing around on bottom, and Hailey kicking and jabbing up top. Since I had the pure innocence knowing that sometime in March or April I would be bringing my girls home because things always go perfectly in pregnancy. Since I cradled their tiny bodies, caressed their oh so soft cheeks, and kissed their cold little button noses. I long with all of my being to go back to those precious moments to get in one more snuggle, one more kiss, one more picture, even if only for a second.
Those first few weeks and months after losing the girls were unimaginable. I was hit with wave after wave of grief, only getting enough time between them to just barely catch my breath. Then after about three months, I started getting a little more time to breathe. A little more time to recover. A little more time to feel more like myself. I started smiling more, enjoying things more, and living.
Now, two years on, there has been so much healing. I am no longer a shell of myself, I'm me, the new me. I can think of Emilyn and Hailey and smile. I can look at baby girls most of the time without pain, I no longer cringe at the sight of them and pretend they aren't there. I still ache every time I see twin babies, and hear the word twins. But now I can see older twins and not hurt. I saw twin girls that are turning seven in a few days, smiled and wondered what that life must be like, without pain. I don't cry every day for them, or even every month. But the pain does come back, and I do cry, and I'm ok with that. I've embraced it. Despite the all of the healing that is happened, the wound will never be completely gone. Time just doesn't heal certain wounds.
We had a birthday party for the girls this past Saturday, we had it early so my brother and father in law could make it. It was nice, I made a butterfly cake and got some flowers and had balloons and stuff. We invited immediate family and close friends over for cake and ice cream. It was a nice time celebrating the girls, my father in law even brought us a precious moments figurine with two little girls in matching dresses, one was pink the other was purple. We tend to celebrate the girls' birthday on two days, the 29th is their birthday in Guam. I spend that day thinking at this time two years ago was when Emilyn was born, and then when she passed, and on until the time when they were wheeled down to the morgue. It was peaceful, we didn't do much. Today we went and released the balloons we got for their birthday party and sat on swings with Elim and watched them float away until they disappeared. Then we went and got some flowers for their birthday and then out to dinner with my parents. Both days were peaceful, but didn't seem like anything special like they would have if the girls were here. I will always wonder what things would have been like with three under the age of two in my house! It would have been pure heavenly chaos!
birthday
cake
two years
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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HOME
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Oct 25, 2011 04:05pm (EST)
I'm at "home" until Thursday. Elim, my mom and I are in the Philly area visiting! This is like my second home. I lived here from 6th to 7th grade and am staying with my best friend from then's parents and got to hang out with Kait yesterday! It's so nice being back here, it really feels like home to me even this many years past. I was talking to my friend's mom last night and she was asking me if I thought that Elim looked like one of the girls, it's the first time anyone has ever asked me about it! She thought right off that he has the same nose as one of the girls, which I totally agree! I'm so glad I'm not the only one that sees that. He also has the same lips as the other. I'd have to get pictures out to for sure tell which one had which but it's nice to see bits of them living in Elim. It's like both of them are combined into him, so maybe I'll get to see teeny tiny bits of what they would have looked like had they lived. Anyway, I'll try updating again soon, we're pretty busy checking out the sights here! And as usual, my biggest priority, eating all the food I've missed for so long!
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (10) | Permalink
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EIGHT MONTHS OLD?!
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Oct 18, 2011 05:39pm (EST)
I can't believe Elim is already eight month's old! That is just crazy talk, he's almost been out the same amount of time that he was in. It has definitely passed much faster than my pregnancy with him did, but now I don't have to stress every second wondering if he's going to come too early. I can see him and see that he's ok now. He's getting so big and doing so many things that tell me he's going to be a toddler before I know it. He's army crawling at the speed of lightning and getting into so many things! His proudest moments are the ones where he figures out how to get to hidden cords that he's not allowed to chew on. His favorite toys are the dog's toys, the dog, plastic bags, shoes especially flip flops, and feet. All things he shouldn't have! So we do a lot of chasing, it's fun seeing what he's going to get into next! And then redirecting him to his own toys. He's pulled up to his knees a time or two, usually in his attempts to get at the DVR box or my game systems. He's so curious and it's fun seeing him discover new things, like the door stop makes a springy sound when you pull it back and let go. He's getting so big too, though he's slowed way down on growing. Right now he's about 20 pounds 7 ounces by my scale at home, and 27 inches long.
Here's a couple of pictures! The first one is when we went to visit the pumpkin patch for a little photo op. The second was one of his ways he's discovered how to get to my computer cords, he was awful proud of himself.
pumpkin patch
sneaky
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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ALMOST TWO
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Sep 26, 2011 04:52am (EST)
How can I possibly already be thinking about Emilyn and Hailey's second birthday party? I'm thinking the theme is going to be butterflies, surprise surprise. I'm debating decorating their cake myself or not. That would be a lot of work, and I've never actually decorated a cake the way I'm thinking of before so I don't even know if I can do it. Then there'll be the guilt trip if I fail, and the scramble to find something that works. My brother is coming into town for Thanksgiving, I'm secretly hoping that he'll stay through the girls' birthday week so he can be there for the party. But I don't really know how to ask him, because if I do and he says he can't then he'll feel bad and I'll be disappointed. I've been feeling ok lately still which is nice. I do feel it bubbling underneath, and am almost on guard at all times fully expecting something to burst the dam of emotions. It hit me a little tonight on the drive home when I started thinking about what I wanted to happen for their birthday and how I wanted to spend it. It just seem so unreal, like some horrible nightmare. Who goes through losing a child and survives? Two years ago I would have thought no one.
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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SHARE UNION, TAKE 2!!
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Aug 24, 2011 02:33am (EST)
I'm so excited for Share Union! Last year I kept hearing people talk about Share Union, or SU depending on who was talking about it so eventually I asked the question. What the heck is Share Union? Only the best event ever is what I learned!! Through the months of my virtually every day blogging after I lost the girls I came to think a lot of you as some of my very best friends. You all know me better than my real life friends, because a lot of you have been there and know what is going on in my mind. Know what it is like to lose a baby, or to go into the next pregnancy fearful but full of hope that maybe you'll get the dream ending this time. I didn't have to explain myself, because you already knew. I could not have made it through all of those months at rock bottom without everyone from Share. And then I found out about Share Union, and the opportunity to meet everyone in person! It was better than I ever dreamed! I was finally meeting all of these people that I called friend and put faces to names and screen names. It was amazing to get hugs from everyone in person, so much better than virtual hugs, though those are great too!
Share union is rolling around in less than sixty days and I'm already antsy for October to get here! It's going to be a total blast!
If you decide to go, you will not regret it! Check out the link below for more info! I hope to see everyone there!
Everything you ever wanted to know about Share Union 2011
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Posted by stacyat | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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