|
 |
 |
|
WELCOME, GUEST |
|
|
| |
 |
 |
 |
(2 members)
|
 |
 |
niylnnrae @a…6 |
 |
|
|
6 |
|
 |
|
|
|
 |
|
OUR BLUEBERRY
Akeelah's Mommy |
|
| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
|
|
|
|
RANDOM TANGENTS
|
|
Mar 05, 2012 11:13am (EST)
It's the middle of the night... should be sleeping. Since that's not happening might as well be blogging... there have been plenty of posts rattling around in this noggin' of mine.
Things have been... I don't even know... up and down. At my last appointment I got a huge shock when the blood pressure cuff started re-inflating... a sure sign that I had just failed. It was 16x/8x 10 minutes later it was 170/8x. It came as a total unwanted surprise. I felt so deflated. I really wanted this to be a normal pregnancy... my 3rd times a charm. It took all the wind out of my sails. Thankfully things seem to be leveling off and we're back down to trending in the normal range... hopefully it stays that way.
A wonderful friend of mine is 38+ weeks and just waiting around to go in labor, I found myself thinking, "That's so weird!" Really Lauren? That's pretty warped... that's how it's supposed to be! But when I think about it I get so scared... it must be so scary... and again I say, Really Lauren? It's not scary it's how most mommas do it and most are fine... leaves me wondering what the delivery of this lil' one will be...
I asked an impossible and unfair question of my doctor. Amazing as the brain power in his noggin is, no one can remember the particulars of every case almost four years ago. The next morning I got a phone call. He had felt badly about not remembering and after my appointment, which ended after 5pm, went to medical records and pulled mine, which were on microfilm to get the answer. Talk about above and beyond... I haven't a clue how I'll ever say thank you. We'll go over them at the next appointment... all part of collecting as much of our story as possible...
I think that's enough rambling for one night... come on sleep!
|
|
|
Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
|
|
|
CHOICE
|
|
Feb 15, 2012 05:27pm (EST)
I've been struggling the past few days, nerves taking over and a general feeling of overbearing fear. It's just not a good place to be doing anything from, and it's left me wondering why am I here? It's been so long since I've been here, what brought me back? Surely figuring that piece out would allow me to climb out of this hole.
So doing some mental detective work, I think I've figured it out. I think that hearing that our MFM was leaving triggered me to feelings of unsafeness. And what do I equate feeling completely unsafe to? Akeelah's pregnancy.
I know that the moment Akeelah was born I was a different person. You just are whether your kiddo lives or dies. This new me not only had a different lens to view the world, but I had different life experiences that would guide me to be a much fiercer momma bear during pregnancy.
I think getting snapped back into feeling so unsafe made me forget that. It's not the naive me before Akeelah was born going into this pregnancy. It's the me that knows her stuff. I'm not alone, I'm not unsafe. The most important person on our dream team is... duh me! I'm not going anywhere... though I do feel like I checked out for a minute there.
Things aren't just going to happen to us. We have a voice, and we always have choices. I know what I need more than anyone else. I can still have a regret free pregnancy if I remember all the choices I will have as we journey down this road, if I remember all we learned from Akeelah and Micah's pregnancies.
I can not be in control of everything- though I'd reeeeeallly like to be. I'd chart us a sweet course and ground all flights to the mainland.  But shame on me if I loose sight of the fact that I'm totally in control of what I do, what questions I ask, what steps I take, and if I forget what a kick butt support system I have.
This is a much better place to be, and I'm choosing to be here.
You know universe... you are one twisted thing. Click to post... go to the bathroom, small amount of blood. I know right? Seriously, are you freaking kidding me? It's laughable at this point. Already had the 1st appointment this morning for our cervical check. You know things are warped when you're hoping for another kidney stone.
Unexplained bleeding... the joy of unexplained anything. Cervix is a mile long and baby was bouncing... it wasn't our regular OB so made sure they check for uti just in case (got choices here!)... ooooh the unexplained! Insert huge eye roll!!
|
|
|
|
Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
|
|
|
NERVES
|
|
Feb 12, 2012 07:33am (EST)
Micah turns two on Monday just shy of midnight. I can't believe it. When he turned one I don't remember reminiscing as much about the days leading up to his birth. This year I'm thinking about it a lot. I'm sure it's because we've been seeing our pregnancy cast of characters.
I'm trying to remember more things about his pregnancy... so much is blank. Well, that's not true. I have all my labs memorized... but things about him during pregnancy... no. I wasn't paying that close attention. That makes me sad. I was looking through my "appointment book". I wrote a few things about what was happening, but really it's a book of labs and numbers. The past two years have been completely opposite, but still, I find myself grieving his pregnancy, which of course compared to Akeelah's feels silly... but still.
And then what to do with this one. I've been trying so hard to not be lab focused. To try to release the tight grasp I had on Micah's pregnancy and just enjoy. I think I've been doing ok.. I don't have an appointment book filled with questions, I've actually been sharing things with family and friends... less than with Akeelah, more than with Micah. It's felt like emotional progress...
Oooooh but it's building. I can feel my grip start to tighten... that appointment book to rear it's head. And I wish it would go away. I want this to be different, I want to relax. I want to have our dream team throughout this pregnancy.
I'm ridiculously nervous about allowing someone new in. How can I possibly know if they are trust worthy? I know they come recommended... but when I meet them will that be good enough to put my fears to rest? Our dream team earned their trust the hard way, by being with us while our world was falling apart. They saw it with their own eyes. They get along well, they know us. Someone new? I just don't know.
Please nerves go away. Let me relax. This is our last chance to enjoy this time that relative to our entire life is so short. Go away.
|
|
|
|
Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink
|
|
|
A FINE LINE
|
|
Feb 05, 2012 06:29am (EST)
Sometimes the line between hurting and healing is so fine.
As I was taking Micah out of the bath tonight his hand landed on my shirt. He said, "Hand print"
"Yeah, that's Micah's handprint. You made a handprint."
He grabbed towards Akeelah's necklace that has her handprint, heart and angel on it and held it.
"Hand print."
"Yeah, whose hand print is that?"
"Akeeyah"
"Yeah, that's Akeelah's handprint. Just like Micah's." "Is Akeelah your sister?"
"Yea.... heart."
"Yeah, there's a heart."
"Baby, hug baby." And the Micah proceeded to put his face towards her necklace and give it a hug.
Water works.
|
|
|
|
Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (11) | Permalink
|
|
|
COLLECTING
|
|
Jan 24, 2012 06:35am (EST)
This is our last pregnancy. I know it in my heart. This is the end of the road for us. I'm done. I've been pregnant for at least part of a year since 2007. It's time to close this chapter.
And in a strange way, it feels like saying goodbye to a part of Akeelah's story. I only knew her in pregnancy really. So as we journeyed down the same road with Micah and now this lil' one, a part of me could journey down her road again. After this, there will be no revisiting of those times. I'm not distraught about this per se, because I know this chapter needs to close. It can't stay open forever for anyone, biological clocks and all.
So as we journey towards the end I find myself wanting, needing to collect the last question marks of her pregnancy. I need answers to what I've wondered about or couldn't remember, and I'm going to get them. As many holes as I can fill, I will. On my list are the following:
-The NST print out from June 26th, 2008 and corresponding note from the awful Dr. M.
-The U/S report from the ridiculously inept MFM Dr. H
-How word spread to Oahu that we had delivered
-What our OB that delivered Akeelah remembers
I've thought long and hard if there is anything else I need to know, and if knowing these things will make life easier or more difficult. These are all the holes I've wondered about. The memories from others who were there will help me tell richer stories to Micah and "the flutterbug" about their big sister.
I need to collect everything I can, to make her story as big and long as possible. I know it continues through us and her ripple, but I need to collect everything there is from those moments she was here and record them. I just do.
At one of our first pre-natal appointments we had to complete all the stupid, will you just go check my flippin chart, background info, and of course one of the questions is about relatives with genetic anomalies. I checked it off with dread, that Micah and Flutterbug would always have to check this box. Dread followed by an intense mommy instinct to protect Akeelah's memory from just being a box they'll need to check.
This road I tell you... twists and turns at every angle. May the collecting begin.
|
|
|
|
Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (9) | Permalink
|
|
|
OMG OMG OMG
|
|
Jan 20, 2012 08:07am (EST)
First of all, let me say, I can't believe I'm 31 years old and seriously just typed OMG OMG OMG but there is just no other way to put it.
Yeah, so I'm 12 weeks and some change pregnant and freakin' out! Pregnancy is fine, totally excited, not nervous... buuuuut just found out today my Uberlicious Fabulous Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious MFM, came in the middle of the night on his day off to deliver Micah answers emails at 2am, is moving out of state before I'm due!!!
Total meltdown.
Thank goodness my integrated support system is also on my speed text and my next appointment was with our psych... an appointment that went from just a head check 'cause I totally got this dude, to a mild tear filled panic attack!
I'm beyond devastated. This doctor is the best and makes me feel 100% safe. Now I know he'll refer me to someone he trusts blah blah blah, but he's not replaceable. The ones who know our stories and have seen us at our best and worst never are.
It's so ironic because what I've been thinking and I was so excited to share at the appointment was that during Micah's pregnancy he had told me to leave the worrying up to him and sit back. I told him no way and white knuckled the whole pregnancy. This time I was totally ready to let go and put all the worry right on him.
Oy. People plan, universe laughs I know we'll be fine... but dang it, I'm totally sad. I wanted to finish out our pregnancy story with the folks who were there from the beginning with us and Akeelah. Oh bother.
|
|
|
|
Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (18) | Permalink
|
|
|
NORMAL IN PROCESS
|
|
Jan 18, 2012 08:12am (EST)
I can't believe this is my first post of 2012. I was looking back at my blog and just pressing "older entries" twice I was back at the beginning of 2011. I remember when I couldn't make it a few days without blogging something out. And now look, weeks go by.
During those weeks there are always blogs bouncing around in my noggin'. And what I've noticed is that it's almost that I can hear the support you'd give me if I blogged it and the need to do so eases.
I'm thinking this is part of integration. Not only do we integrate our loss, we also integrate our support. Our support becomes mobile, and we own it, can control more of it.
As I went back through my blog I noticed my posting about different milestones... start of football season... the 'cycle' of Akeelah's pregnancy... these have all passed me by this year less mindfully than they have in previous years. I've been thinking a lot of what I feel about this. There's that forever mom part of me that tells me I should be guilty... but you know what... no. No thank you.
I choose to remember that my love for my kids is not tied to milestones, it's tied uniquely to them, who they are, who they could be and who they will be.
I've always liked the idea of a new normal. What I'm now learning is that new normal is always in process. There's no finish line you reach where it's as new as it gets. Normal is always in process.
|
|
|
|
Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (10) | Permalink
|
|
 Archives
|
|
 |
 |
 |
|
|
