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MADDY'S MOMMY

Jenn23

June 2013

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MY MADDY

Sep 03, 2011 05:10am (EST)

Hey there my sweet boy, I love you so much Maddox, I think about you every moment of every day, I wish so much that you could be here with us. We need you so much. I feel like this huge part of our lives is missing. Tarquin is starting to realize exactly just what "brothers" are, and "sisters" I don't think he knew before, its kind of funny to see the things he is learning that I take for granted every day. He asked me the other day mommy if other people have brothers where is my brother, it almost broke my heart, I told him remember you brother is in heaven, remember, he said oh ya our baby, Mommy I love the baby. He is my brother? I said yup Tar he is. I love my brother mommy. Me too baby, I love you too Tar. He said I love you tooooo mommy, Oh Maddy I don't know what I would do without your brother, I wish so much that you boys could have grown up together, like brothers should. He will always know you though Maddox I promise, Know always that he does have a brother. Even if he cant be with you baby. I know it must be difficult for him to understand all of this, I wish somehow I could make it all better for him. I can still remember the pain in his eyes, when he first knew. He was just a baby himself, he had just turned two the month before, but he knew, I could tell by the look on his face. His tiny angelic face holding the painful look of an adult. It is just wrong Maddy, why us, why you. I hate it everyday, I hate so much. I cannot accept your loss I am stuck in an endless cycle of anger and sadness. I hate that my son has to grow up alone, I hate that I will never hold you again, I hate that I will never hear your voice or even your cry. I hate that you will never know our love and we will never truly know you Maddy. I hate that I never even got a chance to look into your eyes and tell you how very much I love you baby. I hate myself. I hate that I hate. I can not stand this person I have become Maddy. I don't know what to do. I just miss you so much Maddox and cant bear to live without you. It is eating me up inside. I, I just don't know what to do anymore baby. I can only be strong for so long before I will just break. I hate that I haven't been writing every night too it really bothers me, I fall asleep though and then the days are totally crazy around here still. I did however finally get the Blazer on the road, it only took me six hours to do it. Talk about a backwards State, stupid Pa. I am not liking it here. I want my NY back. I Love NY. No not really I don't it is cold and nasty up here in the winter and I hate it too. I am just a hater tonight I am in a miserable mood baby and I am just hating life I guess. The only thing good in it is my family and I never see my husband and Tarquin has been a holy terror lately and you are missing. We haven't been able to have much fun at all because Tarquin has been acting up so badly, I usually just end up taking him home from wherever we are. It makes it hard to run errands though, that I have to do. Some days though he is a total angel and it really makes me wonder what happened to this sweet baby and then I remember that he turned three lol. I think he just is having a hard time adjusting but oh my already its been over a month or so, come on. I am just really frustrated is all, I am missing you Maddy more than ever, and I just wish that life was how it was going to be and not how it is. I hate that you are not here with us. It breaks my heart every day. Every hour, every minute we are apart baby boy. I love you so much Maddox. I had better try and go to bed because Tar will be up early because I put him to bed early lol. He was beyond tired though and it was showing. I will try and write you as soon as I can my darling angel, I love you so much my precious baby boy. I miss you always and forever, my Maddy. Good Night sweetness I love you so my baby love, My Maddy. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (4) | Permalink

TO MADDY

Aug 30, 2011 08:56am (EST)

Hey there my sweet Maddy, mama loves you baby boy so so much. I know I haven't wrote in a few days but I should tell you why. You see we put the bed in the living room because we don't have a couch and I have been crashing out in the bed and not waking up til morning. Where as if I had the couch I would get up write to you and then go to bed. I just have not free time during the day at all to myself, I never have any time to myself, only at night and if I stay up all night then I am a total witch in the morning. I am really hoping to put the Blazer on the road tomorrow it was a no go Saturday and today. Hopefully I can just switch my license over to Pa and then get it registered, I already have the ins. just waiting on the plates. I cant take it. I am not sure if they suspended my license in SC or not. If not I will be able to tomorrow if so it will be more like never lol. I hate not having a car, I drink bottled water umm Yeah its kind of hard to transport. I use the stroller lol. Well Maddy it has become five in the morning and I don't know how. I have to get up at eight to go do the Blazer so I had better go to bed my little one. I love you so much my darling Maddox and I think about you all day and all night. I miss you every moment of every day and love you more than I can ever say. Good night my sweet boy. I love you so much my Maddy. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

SO SO SORRY BABY

Aug 25, 2011 05:22pm (EST)

There is nothing in life that can take away the pain
In this life nothing will ever be the same,
Walking alone, cold, crying, lost in the rain
Following the only sound I can, the echo of your name.

All I want is to hold you in my arms and feel you near
As I study your beautiful face in its picture frame.
Crying out for you, my Maddy filled with so much fear
That this picture is the only reminder that you came.

I am writing this for you Maddy, it is not finished though, I use to write quite a bit when I was younger and it always helped me through whatever I needed it to, for some reason I didn't need it anymore and I stopped writing. I definitely need it now. I need so much in my life but most of all, I needed you Maddox. I need your baby soft skin on mine. I need your fuzzy little ears under my lips. I need you my baby, my son. I am so lost without you. I haven't been writing I know. I needed some time to try and sort some things out. I am sorry I left you in the darkness with out me. I hated myself everyday I went to bed and I didn't write you, but I felt like I needed that time to try and forget. Not about you, never about you but about the pain or at least try to, give myself the chance to see is all. Well it didn't work and it just made me feel like a horrible mother, which I already do anyways, your brother just will not behave, I almost cannot bear it. I feel horrible when I have to punish him. He is really out of control though. I am so lost so confused, the pain searing my heart like a hot blade. I don't know what to do anymore Maddy. I just miss you so much and what was supposed to be that I cant live for the now. I just want my family together. I love you so much my darling angel. I started writing this last night and I have so much more to say but Maddy your brother is being a little terror and I have to tend to him. I love you and miss you so much my sweet son. I will write you more later I promise. Love you my Maddy. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (5) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Aug 13, 2011 07:10am (EST)

My Maddy I love you so much and I am so sorry I haven't written you in so long, I have not been doing so well and I am trying to fool myself into pretending my life is not totally in shambles. I am missing you more than ever and I haunt been able to visit you in heaven as Tarquin calls the cemetery and it is really bothering me. I am trying to pretend this whole last year of my life did not ever happen. I could never forget you though my darling angel. Mommy just has been so busy, yesterday I watched four children, at the same time, all day, a two year old, a four year old, a six year old, and my own three year old who was of coarse a complete terror the whole entire time. I made a note to self to never ever do that again lol. I am going to start writing every day again though baby I am to unhappy when I don't, it makes the distance between us seem even further. It is three in the morning and I have been getting up at around eleven instead of two lol so I had better get some rest my baby boy, but I will write you tomorrow earlier. I love you so much Maddox Decimus, I will always hold you here in my heart even if I cant really ever hold you. I am missing you always my sweet sweet son. Good Night for now my Maddy, Good Night sweetheart. Good Night. I love you My Baby Love!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Aug 05, 2011 07:42pm (EST)

Hi my baby love I am missing you so, I had a rough night with Tar so I didnt get a chance to write you baby, but he is watching his Backyardigans on tv so I have a few minutes of quiet lol He got up in the middle of the night and wouldn't go back to sleep I ended up letting him sleep with me and I was going to get back up lol but I fell asleep too. I just wanted to come and tell you how much I love you my sweet precious baby boy. I am going to make Tarquin lunch and then try and get him out of the house for a bit. I will write you later if I don't fall asleep again. I love you Maddycakes. Goodbye for now. XOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Aug 04, 2011 03:56am (EST)

Hey there my beautiful boy. Mommy loves you so much my darling angel. I miss you more than ever Maddy. I have not been doing very well and I fall a little deeper into this hole I have created to protect myself every day. Reality gets a little more meaningless everyday. I try so hard to be a good mom to your brother and to you but I just feel like I continue to fail you both every day. I never thought I would feel like that about my boys. I am undeserving of your love. I know now why I can never have it. I am so lost so confused Maddy, maybe someday I will find the way again. For now I just try to make it through each moment. One day at a time is to big still. I know it has been over a year baby but to me it might as well as been yesterday. The pain as sharp today as the day you were born. The day we lost you. Oh Maddy no one should have to do this why why was I chosen. What did I do. Why my baby boy. Oh Maddox all I ever wanted was you. I feel like we have always just been waiting for each other, especially when I saw your face baby, and then it, that moment that should have been a joyful reunion was taken from us and replaced with pain, just pain. Loss, Fear, Envy Anger Sadness Pain, just evil, there was not one good thing about it. Or do I think there ever will be. I don't care what anyone says, things may happen for a reason but I don't see any good reason that it had to be my son, my baby boy. There is nothing good about losing a child, he was a baby, just starting his life, a life that he will never have now. No first day of school, nothing just nothing now. My baby boy is gone, gone forever, he lives only inside of me now. I guess that is the only place he ever did live, or ever will, he was robbed of his birth, his life. He gently grazed this world with his presence and was gone like a ghost in the night. Touching so many souls and changing our lives forever. In thirty six weeks my baby lived he affected me more than any one person ever has or ever will in my life. You do though Maddy live on in all of us. We will always remember you baby, and my memory of you will never fail me. I can not wait til I can see you again my sweet boy seeing as we were robbed of our time together here on Earth we will make up for it when we are together again, I promise baby, it will not be that long. Although some days it feels like it. I love you Maddox so so much and I miss you more than ever. I don't like it in this stupid town and I am alone with Tar almost everyday from noon til midnight and I think we are going to both freak out. lol. It is hard but at least we have an apt now and we aren't living in that roach hotel lol. I am going to try and relax a little, I have not had a good day. I love you my sweet baby boy, So so much. I miss you always buddy. Good night for now my Maddy. I love you sweat pea. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Aug 03, 2011 05:17pm (EST)

Hey there my beautiful baby boy. Mommy loves you so much my darling Maddy. I miss you baby, more than ever. I know I havnt been writing but the pain that comes along with it has been too much for me to handle, that is the plain and simple honest truth. No lies for you my son. I am sorry Maddy if you have been lonely, mommy has been selfish. I am just so lost Maddox and I miss you so much and I cant even go and see you. It is breaking my heart. I am a mess yet I have to pretend every day that I am happy for your brother. I am not. I am beyond the abyss. I am gone. I am a shell of my former self, I am sleeping somewhere inside, not sure if I will ever wake from this slumber of pain. I am so lost and confused. I don't think I will ever be happy again. I just want you Maddy. I cant stop thinking about you. It has been over a year since you left me and I am still just living each day because I have to. I am done. Some days I wonder how I can go on, if there is some profound reason I am alive... and you are not. I am sinking deeper and deeper. All I wanted in this life is to have a family, I was so excited when you were growing inside of me, a woman whose dream was coming true. And now that dream is gone for me. I love you Maddox Decimus Byrd. I still think about you every day even if I don't write. I am going to start again I think, because I just feel like I let you down again. I am so sorry mommy has left you in the dark for so many days, I love you and it was wrong. I will write you later baby but I have to go now. I miss you always Maddy, my sweet sweet son. Mommy loves you always and forever my baby boy. I miss you so. Big hugs and kisses just for you my darling angel. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Jul 27, 2011 03:16pm (EST)

Maddox you are mommy's beautiful baby boy and I love you very much. I miss you so badly. I have been thinking about you all day. I know I haven't wrote you and I have no excuse either I have a pretty steady connection. I feel bad for not writing every night like I do. It has just been so crazy around here. I have had about five minutes to think since we moved to this stupid redneck town. People actually yell things out there car window like all day and night long, they are lots of people walking around too. It is a very small town too which makes it even more odd. I don't know maybe it will grow on me. It just seems like a dirty little town with expensive parking lol. The blazer is still off the rode so it doesn't matter for now. I walk everywhere, I am really glad the stroller has a basket lol. I haven't been able to come and see you either and it is killing me. I like to spend time up there when I can baby and now I cant because I live in a town that is only half hour away. Grrr I miss that Green Machine. I wonder how it will run after sitting so long. Hopefully the tire is the only thing wrong with it and we can fix it ourselves hopefully. Since we towed it, it has had some minor problems because of it. Maddy mommy loves you so much and I have been thinking about you all day, I read this article about how they had a funeral for a baby that was aborted late term, I don't understand why or how about it and I had very mixed feelings. It made me very sad today. I thought about how beautiful you were, and how much I love you and could not even I don't know think straight lol. Well Maddy I had some friends stop by and they stayed way to late lol and I fell asleep after they left and never finished writing. I love you so much my sweet baby boy. I will try and write you more later. I miss you my darling angel. Mommy loves you so much Maddy, XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Jul 18, 2011 11:12am (EST)

Hey there my beautiful boy, I love you so much, I think about you every day, I was hoping I could go to Olean to day and see you. I miss coming to visit. Hopefully soon we will have the Blazer on the road and will be able to. Grandma Onda and Poppy have been watering your flowers for me though. Oh Maddy I miss you baby. Why cant you be here with us. I know it would have just been harder but I don't care. I want you so badly. I miss you more than ever. I wanted to stop and say hi while I have a min. Your brother is actually being really good lol. I love you my darling angel and I will write you more later my baby Maddy. Love you so much my sweet pea. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (0) | Permalink

MY BABY LOVE

Jul 15, 2011 09:30am (EST)

Hello baby I finally got online yaaaayy, I found an apt and I get internet here, double bonus, now I just have to figure out how I can afford it. I don't know baby but I know I miss you so much and not being able to write to you every night was driving me crazy, we have all been sleeping on the floor because all of our stuff is still at reds and we of course have no blazer now. grrr I really hate that woman, she gives no thought to anyone but herself, pulling this right when it was your birthday. Like it wasn't hard enough already she had to kick me when I was down. She will get hers. I heard she even put her dog to sleep just because she couldn't take him with her to SC, he was old but he wasn't sick and he still liked to run and play. She had him for a long time and treated him like a child, I cannot believe she killed him, just for her own benefit. I think it is just wrong. Hey I guess she is just messed up with the drinking and all. I miss you so much Maddy and I will never forgive her for what she has done to my family. I miss you more than ever. This was the second worst week of my entire life, the first being the week I lost you my sweet angel. I love you so much Maddox and you will always be here in my heart. I wish so badly that you were here with us. I miss you more than I can express, I love you sweet boy, I had better go your brother is almost done with his breakfast and I have to get ready. I will write you later my darling angel. I love you Maddox, so so much. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (0) | Permalink

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