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LIFE AFTER XAVIER
ElleBee |
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I'M WHAT!!
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Mar 27, 2011 03:26am (EST)
I haven't updated my blog for a while. I have been busy with work and life. I have been looking for another job closer to home, I have went back to school to become an LPN. I have been so stressed out lately that I went to the ER on Thursday night due to a very painful headache. The doctor came in and said he had two things to tell me, my blood pressure was very high and I'M PREGNANT. WHAT!! Another baby?? I wasn't expecting that. I immediately started crying. It didn't help my blood pressure because it started to rise. I was in the ER for 3 hours while they monitored me. I called G (yes, I let him back in my life, smh) and told him what the doctor said. All he said was "Okay, I'm on my way". I can't say that I am excited. I'm actually terrified that something horrible will happen and with my hypertension, I'm even more terrified. They really couldn't give me anything because of the baby. I don't know what to do. All I know is that I'm...pregnant again and I'm scared. According to the doctors, I'm about 5 weeks along. I didn't even notice that I didn't have a cycle this month. It has been 10 months since Xavier was born and my ob/gyn told me that I should not get pregnant for 18 months. I feel an uneasiness. I also feel that I am undeserving of this. I haven't told my family anything. I'm afraid of what they will say. I'm afraid they will say, "Why did you get pregnant again so soon", or "Are you crazy", or something like that. I don't know why I think they will say that but I just do. I'm just so scared.
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Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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SHOULD I LET HIM BACK IN MY LIFE?
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Dec 30, 2010 02:09am (EST)
Xavier's father has expressed to me that he wants to be back in my life. He says that I am a part of him and he has expressed to me that he wants to have another child. All that is great but he left me at a time when I needed him the most. I understand that the loss of our son was hard but unlike him, I couldn't walk away from the pain. I felt that he suppressed what he was feeling and left me to deal with the entire issue alone. Things I wanted to express with him, he made me seem like I was annoying him because I want to talk about, scream about, or cry about Xavier. He says that I should start living my life again but how can I when my life is buried in the ground? Despite it all, he is the love of my life and I want to believe what he says. He is the only man that I would want to have a child with. What should I do??
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Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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HOLIDAY ANXIETY
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Dec 23, 2010 03:36pm (EST)
As Christmas is fast approaching, I can't help but feel a little nervous about my emotions and how I will feel. I'm already feeling sad and it doesn't help when I hear my friends talk about what they are getting for their kids. Toys, games, clothes, etc. I, on the other hand, will be purchasing a headstone for my son. Merry Christmas, indeed. I am sick. This is like hell on earth. I would rather be alone on Christmas day. I really don't want to be bothered with my family during this time. I just hate that I have to be the one to go through this crap!
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Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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A DREAM
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Nov 13, 2010 12:58pm (EST)
Last night I had a dream about Xavier. He was alive and I was holding him and showing him off. We were walking through the mall and people were stopping to admire how cute he was. He didn't have any supplemental oxygen but he was still tiny. I wouldn't let him go. I played with him and made him laugh. I was happy. This was the second time I dreamt about him since he passed away. I wish I could have those dreams everyday. It makes me sad as well. When I wake up, I'm alone in my bed. I miss my baby so much.
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Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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AND THEN THERE WAS NONE...
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Sep 25, 2010 11:37pm (EST)
This will be quick. Xavier's daddy decided to leave me. He's out of my life...and so is Xavier. It's a sad day for Mommy. Just when I was coming to terms with my life and ready to keep living, a bombshell drops. Four years of my life...gone.
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Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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MIND, BODY, AND SPIRIT
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Sep 18, 2010 07:06pm (EST)
I have decided that I would get my body in shape for the sole purpose of having a healthy baby. Whether it's in a year of 5 years, I want to be in peak physical condition. Think I can do it? I am exercising, eating healthy and taking better care of myself. I've been on the MOD website reading up on what I can do to ensure a healthy full-term pregnancy next time. I've been going to counseling and it is helping me to sort out a lot of things. I don't feel so guilty anymore. I feel better about my role in Xavier's birth. I know I did everything I was supposed to do. I was the best mother while he was living. I seem happier these days. I still cry every now and then but I don't try to hold them back. I let them fall. I have my moment and then I keep moving. Life does go on and so will I. I'm doing this memory of Xavier and for his little brother or sister. I pray God will bless me with the opportunity bear fruit once again.
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Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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THIS MORNING I DANCED!!
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Sep 10, 2010 03:56pm (EST)
For the first time, in a long time, I woke up in a great mood. I danced while I got dressed for work. I was singing and smiling before it hit me...am I happy? In truth, I am not completely happy because Xavier isn't here. I would much rather be dancing in the morning with him in my arms. Have I reached the point of acceptance? This is my life. I'm the mother of an angel. It's okay to miss him, but it's also okay to continue to live and I believe Xavier would want his mommy to be happy.
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Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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SHUTTING DOWN...GIVING UP
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Aug 24, 2010 01:18pm (EST)
Yesterday was one horrible day. I left work early because my grief had gotten the best of me. I spent much of my day with a headache and crying. I feel like I'm losing it. I don't want to be bothered by people. I want to be alone all the time. My mother thinks I'm shutting her out. She's right. My S.O. has said the same thing. I haven't been spending time with him for a while. Our relationship is strained. I can't seem to get into a groove. My life has been in turmoil since May and it only got worse after his passing. I'm a mess right now. Could I be depressed? I'm trying to cope but to no avail. I don't know what else to do. I thought that I was strong enough to handle what life throws at me but THIS is intense.
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Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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"OH I DIDN'T KNOW..."
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Aug 20, 2010 02:14am (EST)
Today was my 3rd day back at work and I found myself in an agitated mood. I heard "How's your baby" like 3 times today. I would just ignore the people. The final time I was asked that I said, "Don't ever ask me how my son is doing". I wasn't very nice about it, I will admit. The environment I work in is like a small town and news travels fast. Just because you didn't know doesn't mean you were supposed to. Xavier's passing is not common knowledge. I hate it there. The people that I could care less about are acting so concerned and then asks "well what happened" like I'm really gonna give them a play by play. Please. Maybe I'm being hypersensitive. I wish they would just stop talking to me. If they have never had a NICU experience, they will never understand.
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Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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