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PARSONS BROOD
jack-n-kates_mom |
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HERE WE GO AGAIN
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Nov 11, 2009 10:40am (EST)
It's the holidays...well the start of the holidays. What that really means to me is that Kate would almost be 3. And here I am celebrating yet another holiday without her. Just another reminder that I don't have a little girl with me. Another reminder that I'm not shopping for what 3-year-old little girls are into, which I would assume are Care Bears, Hello Kitty, etc.
I guess every year I'm amazed that I don't know why I'm feeling so down and then it hits me...it's the holidays. Every year though I think it won't be as bad as the year before. Not that the anxiety and tension gets worse...it just doesn't ease up from year to year. When does that start to happen? Does it ever? Do the holidays ever get easier?
I know for a fact the loss gets easier to deal with..you never get over it or through it for that matter. It's just something you learn to deal with. Sometimes I think to myself...I wonder how many people know just by looking at me that I've lost a daughter? I know they can't, but sometimes I feel like I'm screaming it out or that I want to scream it out is more like it. Not that I want felt sorry for...I just want her to be recognized as part of me.
I miss her a lot this time of year. November and December and then leading up to her birthday, it's never easy. I think about her face, what she looked like, how she smelled and then I wonder if she knew me. Does she know I held her and loved her and kissed her and looked at her toes? Does she remember me?
Starting this new chapter in my life I'm so worried that I'll forget her. I don't have any memories with her, she never held my finger, touched my face, pulled my hair so I have no memories. I worry that I'll forget her and meeting new people, going out...they ask me for my story. I don't know where to begin and sure as hell don't know what to include. Kate is not included in that story, it can't be, people aren't ready for that just yet but yet she is such a big part of my life its hard to exclude her in that story.
I'll learn, things will get better, holidays will be easier...one day.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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WHAT IF....
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Oct 26, 2009 07:20pm (EST)
I've started this blog I don't know how many times in the past month. Yep, it's been over a month since I've blogged. Mostly because I thought I didn't belong on here right now. The things I'm going through...it's not directly related to prematurity, death of my daughter, the miscarriage, but then I realized they are. They all relate to everything.
I have lately been thinking...what if. What if Jack was born full-term? We wouldn't have had to struggle with him being sick so much probably, but maybe he would have. What if we stayed in our house and never sold it? Would we be in the house together, being miserable having to live together? What if Kate was never conceived? Would we still be together? What if Kate was born full-term and healthy? Would I be on shareyourstory.org? What if we hadn't decided to try again after Kate? Would I forever regret that or do I live with knowing that I never gave it a try? What if I was still a family of "three"? Would I be happy?
I don't know the answers to any of these except one... Would I still be on shareyourstory.org if kate was born full-term and healthy? Nope. Probably not. Did I need it even if Kate was never conceived...yep and I had no idea I would. You see, it's October...October is tough on Jack. Apparently this kid has seasonal asthma and you wanna know why? Why, he was a preemie, thats why!! You know he is 6, aren't we done with that stuff? Nope, we are not. Has he been on steroids and breathing treatments for the majority of October? Why yes, yes he has. Have I wanted to choke him out..yes, yes I have. Would I ever? No, no I would not. Do I love him to pieces? I can't even describe how much I love that.
I am an exhausted mom...thats for sure. I really have no reason to complain. I have Jack, I have a living healthy, for the most part, son. Things have just changed in our household. I get no help. His dad now lives three hours away. I get no break and here I am complaining about it when mothers who have lost or who have never conceived would give their life to be in my position. I would too. I just hate it for Jack. His dad sees him now maybe 4 to 8 days a month. Things are not easy.
But one thing that has helped me the most...going to D.C. for three days with people who get it. They understand the strain a premature birth and a loss has on a marriage. I wasn't looked at any different because I'm not married. I was never asked why Jack is on steroids and what does it mean he's out of his mind when he's on them. You all get it. I'm telling you going to SU, meeting all of you that came..you are my lifesaver, and well if it wasn't for me being your lifesaver, the whole hotel could have burned down...just sayin.
I caught up with some old friends at SU, and met some amazing new ones. I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to blog about SU. I can't even begin to tell you all the names of everyone I hugged, laughed with, talked with, cried with and laughed with. Did I say how much I laughed?
I don't know if many of you know this, I'm not a crier..takes a lot for me to try, but apparently not seeing as how I was the first that cried on Saturday afternoon. I got to talking about Jack and Kate, and I just completely lost it. All while standing up in a room full of people who completely understand and there I go and lose my cool. Thanks for letting me do that and not feel like the biggest dork on the face of the earth.
We're all in Holland..it's not a bad place. We have each other and I will never forget that. Holland is my starting over place, starting over being a mom to a preemie, being a mom to a daughter in heaven and being a single mom. It's not all that bad...I think I'll stay, as long as you stay with me.
Love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (11) | Permalink
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SHARE UNION!!!
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Sep 14, 2009 09:56pm (EST)
When I first heard about Share Union I had just joined Share and SU had just happened. I almost thought that maybe it wasn't real. It's totally real, and might I add I made some of now best friends in Washington D.C. two years ago.
I have lots to blog about but no time right now. Let's just say it involves my now 6-year-old, having a first grader, finally tackling parent hood on my hood, at least for 28 to 26 days of the month that is, but what I want to tell you about is that we are having a live chat!!
It's tomorrow, Tuesday, September 15 at 2 pm in the community center. We're talking about Share Union!! Didn't think it was real? It's totally real. Come join Kate St. Claire and myself. Bring your questions about everything Share Union related!!
Hope to see you there!!
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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AUGUST 17, 2007
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Aug 17, 2009 07:01am (EST)
August 17, 2007, was the last day I was ever pregnant. This is the day that I had my D&C was two years ago. I just found out that baby Sam quit growing at 8 weeks 4 days. I was 12 weeks 2 days pregnant. Kate would have been 7 months old on that date two years ago. Kate should be 31 months old today.
I've not been sleeping...maybe getting four hours at a time but I'm not tired...I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I've been down a bit, and maybe thats why I needed to open that box. I have an ultrasound picture of baby Sam at 6 weeks. It's in Kate's box. That's the only picture I have. We saw his heart beating at that time and then I heard it at 8 weeks 2 days...the ultrasound at 12 weeks showed him to be 8 weeks 4 days. I lost him two days after I heard his heartbeat.
Theres just so much going on and I'm overwhelmed. As much as I didn't think this would bother me, it really is. Also the fact that this Wednesday, on the 19th, would be my 9th wedding anniversary. I didn't think that would bother me either when in fact it bothers me just as much. You mourn over your marriage when it ends. It's definitely not as bad as losing a baby, but it's not easy either.
I don't really have anything else to say, but the song Goodbye My Lover, by James Blunt really hits home on my anniversary and of course Glory Baby by Watermark reminds of baby Sam.
It's a tough week, I'll get through it, but it but it's going to be a long one.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (12) | Permalink
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THE BOX
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Aug 10, 2009 09:18am (EST)
After doing that blog on Saturday night, the boys went to sleep, I went to my room, closed the door and got the box out along with a bag of the cards, a stuffed animal that someone set on her grave the day we buried her. I did it, I opened the box, and as weird as it is I smelled her clothes, her dress, her hat, her blanket. Her dress had a tie at the bottom around her feet and one around her neck to make the dress smaller. I've never tied those back but I did Saturday night. It reminded me of how little she was, how she felt, how she looked like Jack.
And boy did I cry. I have to say I cried when we found out Kate was gone, I cried when I delivered her, I cried at her graveside service, I've cried through these past two years, but I don't think I ever cried as hard as I did on Saturday. I think it's just the emotions from the past half year that I have kept bottled up. I cried so hard I was shaking, heaving, upset that I couldn't find a stain on her blanket that I knew was there...at least I think I knew it was there. I needed that, and theres a good chance I'm not done crying.
I'm not a crier, but I think I've learned its okay to cry...finally I learned that. It's stress relieving, and I definitely felt so much better afterwards.
And then Sunday I got hit with a ton of bricks. A friend that I grew up in church with and played vollyeball in high school, her first baby, a son, was stillborn last week. It brought back so many emotions, so many thoughts, so many memories. Today or tomorrow is his funeral. His name is Connor. My heart just breaks for her. I sent her cousin a message on facebook, who happens to work for the March of Dimes in my hometown, and I told her to let her know I was thinking of her. I talked to the chaplain through Consoling Parents and she is going to let me have a bear to mail to her.
Thanks for being there Share and as people call it, this is totally my Share-therapy or Share-apy. And thank goodness tomorrow night is a support group night.
I totally need a tattoo now...those are my stress reliever. 
Love,
Kelly
Don't forget!! Our next live chat is this Thursday, August 13, at 8 PM EST with guest host Tracy Hunter. We'll be discussing Back to School. That's right, it's a NIGHT CHAT!!
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (10) | Permalink
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OPENING AND CLOSING
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Aug 08, 2009 07:29pm (EST)
When Kate was born (stillborn) we left the hospital with a memory box and a bear. The bear was an Open Arms bear from the Consoling Parents support group. It was something to have since you couldn't carry your baby home. That's a whole other story of not bringing your baby home with you. But the memory box held her dress, her hat, feetprints..all of the hospital stuff and a few momentos, some cards. In it is a card telling what the box is for. My box is a mint green and it ties together. That is supposed to represent the opening and closing of emotions. I haven't opened her box in a while now, probably since her 2nd birthday in January of this year but I have this urge to open it, however, if I do I know whats going to happen, I'm going to cry and it's going to be a good one.
I have a lot to face in the next two months. It will be two years since we lost baby Sam on the 17th of this month, the same day Kate would be 31 months. Brett is moving after the 1st of September, Jack will be turning six, he's starting 1st grade next week, heck he has a loose tooth on the top now. I go from being a single mom with help raising him by his dad to a single mom with no help from his dad as he'll be three hours away. It really does take a village to raise a kid.
Back to the real reason for this blog. I need to open that box, but there never seems to be a good time to do so. Maybe its just me putting it off knowing what will happen when I do open it. I'll hold her dress, her hat, the diapers and I'll read the cards and letters just as I have before. I kept all of them from the flowers I got and the cards in the mail, even the cards in the flowers I kept.
I keep finding reasons to not open it. Tonight Jack is having a friend spend the night..they're still whispering to each other in bed as I'm typing this. Tomorrow I work...see all good reasons to not open the box.
Theres a part of me that thinks that box will be opened before the night ends. I'll play some James Blunt, some Sarah McLachlan and really let those tears flow. It's not that I'm missing Kate any more than normal, it's just that I am a completely new normal. It's a lot to take in..and my mind just needs to let it out.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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BIG CHANGES
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Aug 03, 2009 06:20am (EST)
I've signed on Share I don't know how many times within the last week meaning to write this, but wasn't sure if I was ready to actually "write" it down. It seems so real when I write it down.
Jack and I went to the beach with my parents and my sister. We got back last Sunday. I miss the beach but I'm so glad to be home. The day we came back Jack's dad came to pick him up for the night. He hadn't seen him in over a week because of our vacation. The agreement is he gets Jack Tuesdays and Thursdays and every other weekend, however, he is laid off. It's not his fault, it's just that he has never been laid off for this long. When I went to pick up Jack last Monday afternoon, I noticed Brett was super happy, smiling at me and actually looking at me, which is HUGE. He told me he was going back to school to be a teacher, that he didn't want to be an electrician anymore. I think thats great and I told him so. Then he told me he was moving out of that place. He shares an apartment with a friend of his who he used to work with. This friend is moving out to move in with his girlfriend and Brett says he can't afford to stay there and go to school full time so...you ready for this...he's moving back to our hometown.
Our hometown is three hours away and he's moving after the 1st of September. He also told me he already talked to Jack about it and thinks it would be good for Jack to move there too. Over my dead body is what I said!!! Brett apologized and said he meant I should come too, that I should move there with Jack and get a place of my own for me and Jack. WTH!!!!! Are you kidding me.
I was shocked. He is going to live with his mom and stepdad. I have no idea what he's going to do about a job. I was hurt and upset and I let him see me cry. It wasn't about him moving, it was about his child and the fact that he talked to Jack before he talked to me. Jack was all pumped to move to our hometown so he could be near his grandparents. Brett was so happy and so excited. Jack kept telling me we should move there too.
After a lot of thinking I decided I'm not going and neither is Jack. Jack has friends here, his school is here, we do too many things to move like that. We have a zoo here, six flags and all kinds of fun stuff for him. I have friends here, I have a job here, I just moved into my own place. I've made something of myself here. I volunteer at the hospital Jack and Kate were both born at, I am involved in our infant loss support group. They don't have these things in my hometown. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I just can't uproot my life because Brett has decided on a whim that he doesn't want to be an electrician. Does he expect us to follow him wherever his teaching career takes him? Sometimes we do things we don't want to do because we have to.
I didn't want a divorce, I didn't want to have to decide on what funeral home Kate should go to, I didn't want to decide what to do with her body, I didn't decide to have Jack early; however, I had to do all of these things and I'm a stronger person for it. I've begged and pleaded, which I hate doing, for him to look at working at UPS and the whole school to work thing, to get a roommate, check on Craigslist if you have to...but stay for your son.
I'm worried about Jack. He's not wanting to sleep in his own room now because he says when he closes his eyes he says scary stuff. He's going to counseling this Friday. I know Jack has been healthy, he's not sick a lot anymore, but how much more mentally can this little boy go through.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (10) | Permalink
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ANXIETY
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Jul 13, 2009 06:53am (EST)
I don't even know how to begin this blog. It's about Jack. You know when you child is about 1.5 or 2 and they get that anxiety when you drop them off in daycare, church, anywhere where your not going to be. Jack did that when he was 2 and I didn't have a problem with it then. I knew once I left he would quit crying, he always did. I also knew he was okay because when I picked him back up he was happy and smiling.
However, Jack is doing it now. He has been spending the night with his friends since he was 4.5 or so. Never asked for me, never cried for me...ever. He spends five days at a time at my parents house during the summer and thats three hours a way. Half the time when I call to talk to him he doesn't want to talk, he's too busy doing other things, which is great. I thought I had it easy.
Now that things have changed in our family, now that Jack is a child of divorced/separated parents, he's different. He worries, he has anxiety about me (I'm not sure if he does this with his dad). I noticed it when we went to the first night race at Churchill Downs. It was super crowded there but so fun. Jack really loved watching those horses race and even won a race or two (of course we bet for him). My parents were in town, their friends and my sister and I went. It was a great night that ended up with the Waffle House at 12 a.m. Jack thought that was the neatest that he was out WAY past his bedtime, however, at the races, Jack and my mom got thirsty so I went to get them something to drink. Churchhill Downs didn't plan well and only had one concession open. I was in line for no less than 45 minutes getting a Sprite and a Diet Coke. Holy moly, it was hot and just plain crazy. When I finally got back to my seat, after missing almost two races, my mom told me that Jack was worried. He was saying things like "maybe people are cutting in line in front of her, maybe she don't have enough money, maybe she's lost." Just so, so worried. I thought it was just a one-time thing.
But it happened again, this past Tuesday. His friend invited him to spend the night so we made a day out of it. First his friend, friends brother and their mom came over and we got in the pool then about 4 o'clock they left to go to their house. At midnight I got a phone call that Jack was crying saying he wanted to come home. We were hoping that just by me talking to him on the phone he would be fine, but nope he needed to come home. Okay, he has been gone since 4 o'clock and he had been at his dads for a few days straight before that, maybe he wanted to sleep in his own bed, in his own house. He told me he just missed me.
Now to today, Bible school started this morning. He loved it last year and has been telling my parents that he's going to Bible school today. It's at our church so he knows some kids and the teachers. This morning was so not Jack. He kept asking questions about when I was going to pick him up, will I be first to pick him up, am I coming back home. He's been doing that whole picking up first thing for a while now too. He wants me to be first to pick him up in Sunday school. And then when a friend asked if I was staying to help and I told her no that I had to work, he sat down and started crying and then grabbed me and wouldn't let go. I hate that. It's so different when they are 2 and do that, but when they are 5, almost 6, it's just heartbreaking. I know the whole rule about just letting them be and they'll be fine. I used to do that, but it's so different when they get bigger because you know something is going on. The guilt, the grief..it comes back all over again. Then you think crazy things, like maybe his dad and I should just live together to make things better. Yeah, like thats going to help anything or like thats going to even happen. The tension is gone and Jack is being a great kid, but that will totally screw him up more.
One of Jack's friends mom's there, came up (she knows the situation) and said this was completely normal for what he's doing. He doesn't know who depend on. He doesn't have that consistency of going to a home with both parents, but this will pass. Also, Jack's Sunday school teacher came and sat with him and he was fine. Stood up and started singing so I made my escape. I even kept telling him it was like church, I take him to his class and then I go to him. I also may have said, "I have to go to my class and you go to yours." I guess you do whatever you have to do and say what you have to say.
Thank goodness for V's mom, and the reassurance. Yesterday I told my Sunday school class what all was going on. I just started going to Sunday school class when all of this started and I found I like the small group better. We're more personal. Yesterday during prayer requests I asked one for me, my grandmother, my grandfather and for safe travels to the beach. I've been kind of down, worrying about Jack, worrying about finances and really, really missing Kate. I guess now that I'm on my own, I've noticed how lonely it is. I know I have Jack with me, but it's so different. I told my class about all of this in a short two sentence thing and the lady sitting beside me hugged me and told me she had lost a daughter 26 years ago. She had a heart defect and then after six more miscarriages she adopted a son who is now 15 and then two years after his adoption, they divorced. She totally gets it. And then another mom in there, whose son is in Jack's class, she gets it. Not the whole child loss, but her children's father left the country when they were younger.
It's reassuring to know that I have people in my life who understand. But things are a changing and I don't like them one bit. My best friend, we have known each other since we were 2, we met at church. Well, I haven't talked to her in a while. She came down a couple of weeks ago but things are just different. She's pregnant with her second (7 weeks along now) and she's married, has been married for going on five years. I know her husband, but now that I'm different, I can't relate to her for some reason. I'm jealous of her pregnancy and what makes matters worse is when her husband is home and not working, she doesn't answer the phone, she doesn't call me, she's just not available. He's off for two weeks before he goes back to work and I don't call her because she doesn't answer the phone. She says that he likes to spend time with her instead of her being on the phone. I get that, I don't call her a lot, but sometimes you just need that friend you know, the one you can tell EVERYTHING too and that friend is gone.
This is the friend who you give a quick phone call to tell something stupid, to gossip with, to cry with and one that you can tell her exactly how you feel. I told her I was happy for her and the pregnancy, but it wasn't easy, she totally got that. I guess where I'm just feeling kind of down, it hurts even more to know when I do call her it's only yes or no questions and I'm the one asking the questions, asking how she's feeling, is her husband driving her nuts yet being home for two weeks straight, how's Hailey (her daughter who is almost 5), when are they leaving for the beach..stuff like that. I never get, how are you guys doing? When are you going to the beach, how's Brett been acting lately, something she used to always ask....before she got pregnant.
I don't like this change, not one bit, and I especially don't like it for Jack. I hate that I can't fix things. You know when you want to do things for your child, because for one its easier if you do it, and secondly you won't make a mess of it. This is how that feels, only I can't fix it for him and it's a hard mess to clean up after.
I'm hoping my upcoming trip to the beach with Jack, my sister and parents will help. I'm excited to go, excited to get away from it all.
In the meantime, come to our live chat tomorrow at 2 pm EST. We'll be chatting with Carissa S, Kate St. Claire and Shonda Hershbergers, all Share mommies and talking about Girls Night Out!! That's totally what I need I think.
Love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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GETTING THE WORD OUT THERE
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Jul 02, 2009 08:02am (EST)
Every other month our NICU Family Support does a newsletter for parents in the NICU and the moms on bedrest. They were lacking an article so I offered info about Share. I'm pretty sure this will bring new members!! Heres the article in this months newsletter.
"Everyday, families face the frightening experience of having a baby born prematurely or with a health condition. Whether your baby is in a NICU now or has spent time there and has come home, you’re not alone. There are other people, like you, who understand. Connect with them by visiting the March of Dimes online community created especially for you. In this community, you can connect with others around the country whose babies
may be experiencing similar medical issues or parents
struggling with the stress of their NICU experience. The online community is available 24 hours a day and features blogs, forums
for parents, moms on bed rest, children and babies with disabilities, preemie babies, and loss.
The community has many topics available, including:
♥ Day to day coping
♥ Medical conditions of our
children
♥ Home after the NICU
♥ Growth & development
♥ Feeding & nutrition
Check out Share your story in English at www.shareyourstory.org and in Spanish at www.compartasuhistoria.org.
“My son was born at 33 weeks and spent some time in the NICU. When I found Share a little over two years ago, he was two years old, sick, on steroids constantly, Share Your Story: An online community for NICU Families receiving breathing treatments and respiratory medications. I didn’t realize how
healing this website could be. I meet so many people who “got it”. I also didn’t realize my story, my blog, would reach so many others.”
Contributed by Kelly P,
NICU Graduate Parent and Family Support Committee"
I know for me finding Share, I just happened upon it probably like most of you. I'm glad Share is here for others, although sometimes the reason is sad or painful, it's good to know that a support system like Share is available.
Take care,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (12) | Permalink
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I DON'T WANT TO BUT I HAVE TO
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Jun 22, 2009 07:54pm (EST)
Tonight I watched the Jon & Kate plus eight where they announced they were splitting followed by the screen shot I guess, where it said they filed for divorce. Kate said she didn't want to be alone, she didn't want to start over, she doesn't know why Jon hates her and why he won't talk to her. I totally get it.
I don't want to do this, I don't want to be alone and while I have my sister, my parents, my family and amazing friends and of course Jack, who wants to be alone without a significant other. Let me get this across, I don't want him back, thats not it, I just don't want to do this. I don't want to start over, I didn't want this apartment, I didn't want to sell some furniture, I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want Jack to one day say "my parents split when I was 5 and divorced when I was 6." I don't want this but yet I don't want him. What I want are answers. Why did we have to lose our daughter? Why did he quit trying? Why couldn't he man up and tell me how he felt a year ago? Why did my marriage have to dissolve right in front of my eyes? Why did I have to bury my daughter? Why can't I have her back?
Don't get me wrong I love my new place, I love this feeling of being free, of leaving the stress behind, but....I just want answers. I want to know why he hates me or why he acts like he hates me. I want to know why us? Why are we another statistic? Why?
I guess I'm just down. My best friend, the girl I've known since we were 2, the best friend who has been there for everything...she's pregnant with her second. Her daughter and Jack are close in age and get along great. She lives in my hometown but her and her daughter come here and visit often but now she's pregnant. I'm excited for her, I really am, I just didn't think the announcement would effect as much as it has. I was the first person she told. It hit me extremely hard. I guess because she has a perfectly healthy daughter, born at 41 weeks, no complications, everything was so easy and now she's pregnant again and its just so easy. It makes me realize that I was never successful at pregnancy and now I can never try again. It also worries me that we'll grow apart just because having a 5-year-old and a newborn, it won't be easy for her to visit. We have such a good time when she comes down to stay for the weekend. We don't do anything special, we just hang out, laugh until we pee our pants and our kids play together.
I'm just feeling a bit down. It's hit me more these past few weeks that I've come a long way but I have so far to go. I have to get through a divorce, celebrate another holiday without Kate and my first without Brett.
Much love,
Kelly
P.S. He is chewing nasty green gum in that picture. I heart that kid.
IMG_3070
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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