|
 |
 |
|
WELCOME, GUEST |
|
|
| |
 |
 |
 |
(1 member)
|
 |
 |
niylnnrae @a…6 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
 |
|
CAMERON'S JOURNEY
Cam |
|
| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
|
|
|
|
ANOTHER SCARE
|
|
Sep 13, 2006 11:46pm (EST)
So in my last blog I said that the ultrasound tech said that all of Lilly's organs looked great. What she didn't tell me, which I found out at my prenatal appointment yesterday, is that there was a spot on her heart. They sent me to a perinatologist today for a level 2 ultrasound. I also met with a genetic counselor. This all scared me half to death. My doctor said these things are usually nothing but because of my history he wanted me to be seen by a specialist. I made the hour and a half drive this morning. I was so grateful that they could get me in the next day and not make me sit and think worst case scenario for a week or more. I guess a lot of babies with Downs Syndrome have this same spot on their hearts. I wouldn't love her any less but I want her to have a normal happy life and I think our family deserves that after everything we've been through.
So after I met with the genetic counselor she said there aren't any other risks that she can identify. I had the ultrasound and met with the perinatologist. She said everything else looks perfect. She thinks the spot is completely benign and the spot is jsut a calcium deposit called an echogenic focus. She said both of her babies had them and they are perfectly healthy.
This was luckily just a scare and it looks like she is great. The other good news is that we got better pictures. They are much more clear. They also got a perfect shot and there is no doubt that she's a girl. We saw her yawn, she tried to suck her thumb but kept getting her nose and then we saw her stretch and her legs were pushing out so hard! She looked beautiful if I do say so myself. I was very excited when I left. I didn't realize how worked up I was until I found out everything was ok. Then I became really excited and then exhausted!! I have great pictures I'll post but right now I'm wiped and need to turn in early.
By the way, for anyone trying again or who is pregnant again I discovered hypnobirthing. Regardless of what it does for the labor I've found it to be a big help with pregnancy. It helps me hold onto the happy memories about my pregnancy with Cameron but it really helps me to separate the sad stuff so I don't obsess (as much) about it happening again.
Tabitha, Cameron and Lilly's Mommy
|
|
|
Posted by Cam | Comments: (1) | Permalink
|
|
|
DON'T FEEL LIKE I BELONG ANYMORE
|
|
Aug 18, 2006 12:15am (EST)
The title says it all. I feel like because I'm being given this great gift of another baby I don't belong on SHARE anymore. I was having a really hard time with anxiety. Everytime I would think about this pregnancy or this baby I would re-live what happened to Cameron. I went back to my therapist. She helped me see how to seperate the two. It does take real effort but I finally feel like I'm able to bond with and love this little miracle.
I had another appointment today. My new doctor is wonderful and lets me come in whenever I need to. I go every 2 weeks. Today I took a disturbing triage call from a pregnant woman right before leaving for my appointment. He didn't hesitate to do an ultrasound. At first I got scared because the baby was laying so still. The I realized he/she was sleeping when I saw the heartbeat flashing wildly on the screen. Out of nowhere a little foot popped up! The baby is laying sideways. That explains why when I feel those light kicks I'm feeling it on both sides.
I go for my official anatomy ultrasound on September 7th. That is where I find out if I'm having a boy or girl. I'll keep you posted. I will always miss Cameron but I'm finding that I am able to love this baby and look forward to the future. 
|
|
|
|
Posted by Cam | Comments: (1) | Permalink
|
|
|
REALITY
|
|
Jul 24, 2006 11:10pm (EST)
I went for my first prenatal massage today. I wanted to do something to help me relax so I can do some good for this baby. I was lying in this tranquil room with soft relaxing music playing. The woman was using all natural heated oils while I was laying on my side and propped up with all these fluffy pillows. They don't use the tables with holes for the belly anymore because they found those put pressure on the womb and decreased circulation to the baby. So I was nice and relaxed. Without thinking first I just started rubbing my belly and I in my mind started saying, "Its ok baby. Mommy's going to take care of both of us." That's when it hit me. I get to be a Mommy to this baby too! I now have 2 kids regardless of the outcome. I just hope this has a better outcome. I will hopefully get to love and snuggle this baby the way a mother is supposed to and not grieve this baby. The pregnancies are similar in some ways but that is one thing I don't want my kids to have in common.
I know some people are really happy for me because they think I'm "moving on." Others can't imagine having another baby because it means I'm "moving on." All I can say to all of those people is that I've finally been able to get to a place that I don't feel like loving another baby is a betrayal to Cameron. I just have more love in my heart now...not less for him. It also doesn't mean that I miss Cameron any less. I would still give anything to have him here with me. I also think that everything that we went through with my husband forced us to live in the here and now. We couldn't do anything for Cameron anymore but I could do things to make sure my husband was ok. It gave me a very unfortunate distraction but allowed me to "heal" probably a little more quickly than most people.
I hope everyone understands. The fact that I was ready came as a shock to me too. I was sitting in my therapists office rambling about everything that was going on...how I cried in the shower that morning but I had no idea who I was crying for. Was it for Cameron? My husband? Me? It had only been about 6 weeks since we lost Cameron when we found out that the cancer we thought was gone had actually spread. Then I told her that I finally knew that losing Cameron wasn't my fault. I told her that if there was anything I could've done to save him.....God help the person who tried to stop me from making it happen. At that point I knew that loving another baby wouldn't hurt Cameron. He is in a place where he knows nothing but peace and love.
This whole experience has changed me in ways I never thought possible. I would do anything to change the loss of Cameron but I think i've become a stronger person for just having him in my life.
Tabitha, Cameron's Mommy
|
|
|
|
Posted by Cam | Comments: (4) | Permalink
|
|
|
CAMERON'S MEMORIAL
|
|
May 28, 2006 11:35pm (EST)
Today, May 28, 2006 was Cameron's Memorial. I had hard time not crying. I played Kenney Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today," to start everything. I printed out the words to the song and gave a copy to everyone along with a copy of a letter that I wrote to Cam. I next read the letter which was where I cried the hardest. Here's what it said:
" My Dearest Baby Cameron,
I can honestly say that I've never been as happy and content as I was when I was carrying you. Though we hadn't met face to face I knew you and you knew me. I knew just how many buffalo tenders it took to make you do somersaults. I knew Twinkle Twinkle Little Star would make you dance. I knew you'd become playful and excited when you heard your Daddy's voice. Though I may never know why you were taken from us I've been able to see what a gift our time together was. It was short but nothing has been more precious.
Your Daddy and I have told people about your short visit with us. They are sad and apologize for lack of something better to say. This is how I discovered your gift to everyone else. Those people go home and hug and kiss their babies more. They snuggle them just a little bit longer and cherish them just a little bit more. Not only have you been a gift to us but you've also been a gift to so many other babies whose Mommys and Daddys will take a little extra time for them. You've made those people realize how precious their babies are.
You may not be here physically but you are always going to be here.....when the sunshines, in the spring when everything blooms, fresh winter snow, and always, always in my heart.
"In the sunlight or the rain, brightest nights or darkest days, I'll always feel the same way. Whatever road you may be on, know you're never too far gone. My love is there wherever you may be. Just remember that you'll always be my baby."
I'll love you forever my little man,
Mommy"
After I cried through this letter we placed the stepping stone in and my mother-in-law put in a small American flag she brought. She thought it would be appropriate since its Memorial Day weekend.
That's all for now. I'm a little drained. There was a lot of build up for this and I'm wiped. I hope beyond all hope that he was pleased with what we chose to do for him. We still plan to spread some of his ashes on a mountain top but that might be something my husband wants to do himself. We haven't talked about that part too much yet. He has started his radiation treatments and I don't think he wants to make plans for anything too strenious right now.
Below are some pictures.
Cameron's Memorial 004
Cameron's Memorial 001
Cameron's Memorial 002
|
|
|
|
Posted by Cam | Comments: (4) | Permalink
|
|
|
WEEPING CHERRY TREE
|
|
May 18, 2006 12:21am (EST)
Tonight Trevor and I planted a weeping cherry tree in our front yard in memory of Cameron. While Trevor was "recovering" from surgery he built a retaining wall around the area we planned to put the tree. Tonight was the first time in over a week that we've come home and it hasn't been downpouring. We went and got some loam so we could plant it. I sprinkled some of his ashes in before we put the tree in. That way as the tree grows and blossoms Cam will be part of it. I ordered a garden stepping stone that we will lay inside the retaining wall on top of the bark mulch. I ordered it from The Comfort Company (internet site). They have a section for miscarriage and infant loss. Its perfect. It says "No farewell words were spoken, No time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why." That is exactly what happened so I knew that was the stone we wanted.
Once the stone comes in and my Dad comes home from a business trip to Japan we plan to have our parents over for a private memorial. We are going to have them over to be here when we put the stone in. Then I'm going to play Kenney Chesney's "Who You'd be Today," and I'm going to read something that I wrote to him. I've done so much crying for him and want to do something to celebrate him. After we do this, which is sure to make me cry we'll have a BBQ. I'm not sure what my mood will be but I'm hoping that I can have one of my happy moments while I think about how happy I was when I was pregnant and thought he was coming home with me.
If I can ever figure out how to put pictures from my camera on this site I'll post pictures of the memorial.
Tabitha, Cammy's Mommy
|
|
|
|
Posted by Cam | Comments: (2) | Permalink
|
|
|
MOTHER'S DAY
|
|
May 14, 2006 11:42am (EST)
Today is supposed to be my first Mother's Day. I guess it still is but it isn't the way its supposed to be. I always imagined having Cameron up in his room and changing him on his changing table while he cooed. For some reason that's all I've ever pictured for Mother's Day. A perfect and happy little face with chubby cheeks and an all gums smile. I imagined struggling with squirmy little legs while trying to manage a diaper. Instead its raining. There is no baby. There is a pretty wheeping cherry tree sitting in my front yard that, when the rain stops, will be planted and dedicated to Cameron.
Trevor and I want to have another baby and have started trying. Its so different this time. I don't feel as excited as I was last time. Even during the "trying" stage I was more excited. It meant that we were on our way to having a baby. This time it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I'm heading down a road of unknown possibility. There is a possibility that everything will be ok and that it'll finally be my turn to bring a beautiful, healthy baby home. There is a possibility that I'll lose the baby at some point in the entire 9 months. There is a possibility that I'll have another baby but I will go into preterm labor. We've learned since I first came to SHARE that my water probably broke around 28 weeks which is why there was no amniotic fluid which allowed the cord to wrap so tightly around his neck. (Its a long story about that but lets just say I've switched doctors and now I'm going to the wonderful doctor who delivered Cam.) That being what is the most likely scenario, I'll be considered high-risk next time. I'm so nervous. I feel like I've been robbed of the innocence of pregnancy. But is that innocence really ignorance? Should I really have been facing the possibility of this reality the frist time?
I went shopping with my Mom yesterday for Mother's Day. She wanted to acknowledge this day for me. She bought me some new maternity clothes. She wanted to give me something to look forward to. She was also looking for a new baby toy. When I found out I was pregnant with Cam she bought a squeeze toy that when squeezed makes a really hard baby belly giggle. Its adorable. Its now in Cam's treasure chest. She wants to give me things to make this next pregnancy unique and special. I had fun and got some new clothes. We had a late lunch together. It will of course be special, but at the same time it will be different. When I was pregnant with Cam I wasn't missing another baby. I keep thinking, is that not fair to this next baby? But if I wait to stop missing Cam I'll never have another baby.
I'm sure that a lot of this is because its Mother's Day. Another day and another reminder that my little angel isn't here. I feel like my emotions are all over the place. I smile when I think of Cam being perfect and being blissfully happy. I'm crushed when I think of how that means he can't be here. I'm excited at the prospect of another pregnancy. I'm ambivilant thinking of the 9 months of worry and how I won't be able to help but compare the pregnancies and wonder why Cam wouldn't make it too.
Tabitha, Cameron's Mommy
|
|
|
|
Posted by Cam | Comments: (4) | Permalink
|
|
|
MISSING MY MUNCHKIN
|
|
Apr 24, 2006 12:41am (EST)
Today has been a little rough. I thought what better place to come to than SHARE where everyone has a different story but essentially everyone knows how I feel?
We've decided to try for another baby. Between losing Cam and my husband's cancer we've learned that we need to live in the moment. That being said..I'll never stop missing or yearning for Cameron. It didn't seem fair to try for another baby with so much still unsettled with Cam. I've had this treasure chest that I've been staining for him. Well today I put his things in it. Once I was able to close the lid and stop crying I moved it into my room. Not that it matters to the chest but of all the places in my room I could put it I made sure I put it in a place where the sun will shine in on it. I know it doesn't matter but I also know Cam knows what my intentions were. I put his memory box in there. My husband put in a mini hockey stick we had for him as well as a bib my husband bought that said "Little Penguins Fan." That's my husband's favorite hockey team so he got the bib a few weeks before we lost Cameron. I also put in some little tokens from people both for him and for us when we lost him. I put in a toy, and a quilt that my mother-in-law made for him and on it she had put "Nana 2006." I also put in one of the outfits my parents bought him. I put in the CD I used to play to him during our 8pm dates. Cam and I would go upstairs (obviously together) and I'd play classical lullabies on my belly. Once he got to know the songs he'd kick like crazy when Twinkle Twinkle Little Star came on. So the chest was full and I sat there and cried for a few minutes and couldn't close the lid. I had to keep reminding myself that these are things that matter to me. What he has now is better than anything I can imagine and these are things that are for my comfort. They are things that I will use to stay close and connected and that way he will never be gone.
So now my husband is healthy, I've gotten a promotion and have decided to take evening classes for another degree, and we are always looking for ways to honor Cam. While I feel like I'm able to continue with my life I also feel like part of me, mostly my heart, will never ever leave January 2, 2006. It was the most beautiful day of my life and was also the worst day of my life. Its the day I lost my baby but it was also the day my little man became an angel.
|
|
|
|
Posted by Cam | Comments: (6) | Permalink
|
|
 Archives
|
|
 |
 |
 |
|
|
