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SHAY'S JOURNAL

Mommy of angel Shiloh

May 2013

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MOTHERHOOD LOL

Dec 09, 2011 06:06pm (EST)

Its crazy to see thats he's finally here. After losing Shiloh to knowing that I wanted to be a mom again to going through an emotional pregnancy.

Birth story:

The last week was going by extra slow so i was doin everything..eating spicy foods..general tso chicken..taking baths.. && so early in the morning I was talking to God.
Expressing all my worries & fears & just being grateful for what he has done. So I sayed " Im not going to rush the process when he comes he comes "

5:30 AM LAYING IN THE BED. I FELT HIS HEAD PUSH DOWN & WATER STARTED LEAKING.. THEN A RUSH OF WATER!

Thankfully i was with my parents & we drove about 20 mins to my doctors hospital. They checked me I was 2cms. They admitted me..i started walking & bouncing on the birth ball they gave me pitocin to increase my contractions . Every 2 hours I was dilating 2 centimeters. They checked me and said were going to start puching & at 10:01 pm he came out cryin & hungry!

7 pounds 14 oz 20.4 inches

Now hes 8 lbs 11 oz 23 inches not even 2 weeks later. lol blessed.

This picture is off my nephew & christian. Im thankful that my nephew was born before my son came here. He helped in mending the gap from Shiloh to Christian.

He looks just like his dad his eyes are getting light just like him too lol

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Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (3) | Permalink

MY BABY IS HERE.

Dec 04, 2011 11:24am (EST)

Christian David!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel so blessed.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (7) | Permalink

POSITIVITY

Nov 04, 2011 09:22am (EST)

I had one of THOSE sh*tty nights the other night. Missed my appt because I stayed up most of the night crying lol which is good.

My crying has changed...i dont feel as bitter (i guess the word is) when im in this zone..i feel warmth like a glow..i guess I feel peace. Shilohs peace.

BUT i made this post because I was thinking how powerful laughter is SOMETIMES. I have a list of shows that tend to life my spirits:

Its always sunny in Phili..
The Office
Rob& Big.
Marilyn Monroe movies

Its okay to smile its okay to cry!

-Shay

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (3) | Permalink

2ND PREGNANCY LIFE

Oct 22, 2011 08:31pm (EST)

Wow i cant believe how well things have been progressing & how i only have about a month left! All praise to God.

Its been an emotional rollercoaster but I feel stronger for it..I find myself thinking more about Shiloh since its almost that time.

Im losing sleep though 1) Back to back pregnancies have a toll on your body plus he has already surpassed what Shiloh weighed at her birth.
2) Im anxious about L&D. Im delivering no where near where I did before..they catered to all my needs because they knew what I was going through. So EVERYTHINGS new.

But that comes with the territory I guess. Im excited and still scared lol but hopfull.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (4) | Permalink

UNCOMFORTABLE PHASE

Oct 02, 2011 10:01pm (EST)

This pregnancy has been going so well & I've gotten use to the fact that its actually possible for things to be normal,

Now that my nephew has finally entered this world I am in a WHOLE NEW spin of emotions. Im doing so much better than I thought I would but boy I feel out of place..

But Im also glad that his here before my baby is here because Ive realized it will be a new emotions to come..I guess I will have to take it slow & accept this uncomfortable phase.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (2) | Permalink

WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOU?

Sep 07, 2011 12:44pm (EST)

I'm at this point where I realized I have to start progressing for myself. I've shutdown in a lot of ways since Shiloh passed. I had a long talk with my dad & he said something that I'm holding on to : Shiloh is taken care of, she is good...shes waitin for us. Now it's time for you to work on you.

And he's right.

So I was just wondering what are some things you guys do to not let go but to transition into a new life ??

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (4) | Permalink

TWO LIVES TO LIVE

Aug 13, 2011 09:23am (EST)

sometimes I wish God could see that I'm really not as strong as a person that he thinks I am. Maybe my life would be different.

I had to grow up so fast after from being pregnant to graduating highschool to losing a child...im not even 20 yet. I've lost so many friends, I really don't have any. And it hurts, I guess I just realized today how much it hurts.

I feel like my fam forgets my life & by that I mean what a struggle it still is to try to get through the day
I think losing your own flesh and blood is the worse possible thing that can happen. You feel empty and completely defeated and so I know now why I feel so "weak" around everybody else
(which is good) because for the life of me didnt understand why.
sometimes I have days where it doesn't feel like that was "me" who lost a child that was a whole different me. I just wish I was understood sometimes.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (3) | Permalink

LATE NIGHT

Aug 02, 2011 07:56am (EST)

Can't sleep lately, had flash backs of the days leading up to Shilohs birth. It's crazy because I've never vividly thought about those days.

Sat in the bathroom & cried for a good half hour, talking out loud, blowing my nose..refreshing. Refreshing.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (5) | Permalink

ALLOWING ME TO BE ME

Jul 30, 2011 10:02pm (EST)

Ive been accepting alot of things lately. And its been a struggle (naturally).

I read this book..from my library on losing a child and it really helps to put things in "order".

Since Ive been pregnant w Christian ive accepted that the moments that I will have with him I wont ever have with Shiloh.

Im finding out that for myself even though she's not here physically it'll help me to see pictures of her. So i made a collage of pics from the hospital, and the other half will be of Christian's pic when he gets here. I even plan to get her face tattoo'd later on.
Ive also come to terms that I have TWO children.

Its crazy because now..i can look at her pics and think SHE was mine and SHE was here at one point and NOT stop myself from crying, im trying to cry as much as I need to.

My relationship w my sis has gotten better for the most part. We get along and that has to do alot with her i guess since shes learning more about life some of her immature ways have left. but i still feel bitter because i feel like she could have been there a lot more for me being my older sis ,So thats something I pray on.

Ive been losing a lot of sleep lately, it reminds me of when i first started grieving..but what i figured out from that book was up until 3 months after Shiloh passed I was numb to the reality of everything. And now im doing it right..its been hard. My internal struggles are the worse part. I never had to deal woth my own emotions and now i get paranoid in public, intimidated,the smallest let downs leave me depressed, I always feel defeated before I even start something. I've been praying on the that & talking to my counsler. I know I have a long way to go but sometimes i feel like im taking steps back but i know theres no right way of doing this thing! My relationship with God im doing my best to rebuild. I guess im rebuilding my life and it scary ya know lol real scary

Thats where my minds been so far

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (4) | Permalink

SHILOH'S GARDEN

Jun 21, 2011 03:44am (EST)

My Dad surprised me with these "forget-me-not" flower seeds. He picked them up from the memorial service and I didn't even know it. We planted it today, it was nice. Shilohs little garden.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (2) | Permalink

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