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MY JOURNEY WITHOUT HANNAH
Shelleylmu |
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XMAS IN A CROWDED HOUSE
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Dec 26, 2009 10:19am (EST)
So Merry Christmas everyone!! I've had an interesting xmas so far. My husbands family is here (Mom, Dad, Sister and Brother) so we've had a pretty full house. They've been here for a week so far and OMG I'm going crazy!! I love them all dearly but it just takes toll having so many people around. My SIL and BIL are leaving today but mom and dad are staying a whole other week. Ryan will be working most the time in the evenings so it will be left to me to do most of the entertaining. In normal circumstances it would be hard but emotions are running pretty high right now. Hopefully I won't have a crazy person breakdown.
It was so cute seeing Kaden in his baby's first xmas clothes - what was even funnier is when his grand dad was holding him and he had a total diaper blowout - hahaha!! I'm so mean but it was really funny. What was crazy is that he didn't even realize it, you would have thought he would have smelled it. We did know what happened until he picked him and we saw the signature brown stain all up the back of Kaden's onsy.
Kaden is becoming a rollover master - he can get over to his tummy with no problem but then gets so mad b/c he can't get back over to his back. We also started him on rice cereal this week. So far so good. I've just been giving it to him once a day so he can get used to it. I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing, what to give him, how much, when?? Yikes!
Of course we are missing our Hannah terribly. I think she would have actually realized what was going on this year. We would have had her in her little xmas dresses - so cute! I guess one thing good about having a house full of people is the distraction.
My mom and dad are coming in January for a late xmas. I'm looking forward to it b/c it will delay the post holiday blues I typically get. And of course it's worse now b/c we coming right up on Hannah's birthday.
Well this has turned out to be quite a long blog. Better put on my "I'm so glad you are hear face" for the fam. Talk to you all later.
Pics to come.... Got some good ones on the camera.
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Posted by Shelleylmu | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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HOW PRECIOUS LIFE IS
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Dec 03, 2009 03:00pm (EST)
I received news today that a friend of a friend passed away suddenly from an aortic aneurism. She was in her 30's and about 7 months pregnant with her second child. She has a little girl who is 2 years old. They were able to deliver the baby alive and he (i think it's a he) is currenly in the NICU. From what I understand he's not doing very well. My friend was actually on the phone with her when it happened - they were talking and the phone just went quiet. My friend could hear the little 2 year old screaming in the background and called 911. The whole thing is just so devastating. It's really makes you realize how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away. Unfortunately so many of us have learned this lesson before.
My little circle of friends have had some serious things happen to us in the last year or so. I'm ready to only hear good news from now on!
Soooo...
Some really exciting news is that my other friend whose daughter, Shelby, was in the NICU was able to come home the Wed before thxgiving! It was such a surprise to them, they got a phone call from the hospital and expected bad news since that's the only reason the hospital calls. Turns out they were calling to tell them to come pick up your baby because she's being discharged! A truly thankful thanksgiving to be sure.
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Posted by Shelleylmu | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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BIG NIGHT OUT
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Nov 22, 2009 04:27pm (EST)
Ryan and I had our big adults night out on Friday. My aunt agreed to watch Kaden overnight so we went all out. The KC Rock For Babies concert was Friday so we built our night around that. Got a great rate on a hotel downtown KC so we decided rather than worrying about driving we'd just spend the night! Had an awesome dinner. Anyone that lives in the KC area - Maker's Mark at the P&L district is super good. Expensive but good. Lucky for us a former coworker of Ryan runs the place so we ended up getting free dinner - woohoo for us  After dinner we went to the concert and it was great. I actually heard about kind of by accident on the radio - so glad I did. Then since we had the night to ourselves we went to see The Blind Side after the concert, which by the way is a really good movie. It was a packed full night but sooooo fun. Only downside is that I'm not all that used to drinking so ended up with pretty bad headache by the end of the night 
The only other night we've spent apart from Kaden is when my mom and dad watched him. I thought I'd be a little nervous about it but nope! We dropped him off and went and had a great time.
Tomorrow is Kaden's 4 month checkup - I'm really anxious to see how he's grown. Not looking forward to the shots so much but what must be done must be done. 
Hope everyone had a great weekend - lata
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Posted by Shelleylmu | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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EYE OPENING
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Nov 16, 2009 12:47pm (EST)
So a couple times a week I take Kaden to Gymboree. My last ditch effort on feeling like a stay at home mom. Although it's only a couple hours a week I think it's really fun. I had to skip today which sucked but anyway... Well Saturday we had a new little girl join the class. And when I say little I mean little! When they walked in I thought she was a newborn, only a few days old. Come to find out she is 2 days OLDER than Kaden. Whhhaaatt. She was a preemie, 7 1/2 weeks early. Kaden looked like a monster next to her. I've never been up close and personal with a preemie before. It was such an eye opening moment for me. When I see blogs, pictures and posts on Share about preemies it just doesn't hit you how little these babies are until you see it in person. She sure was a cutie pie - but it was kind of strange seeing that itty bitty girl doing a lot of the same things Kaden was - smiling, holding up their head etc.
I was happy to see someone new. Kaden is the youngest and all the older babies are graduating to the next level. We needed a fresh face 
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Posted by Shelleylmu | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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ANOTHER BAD NIGHT
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Nov 13, 2009 07:43am (EST)
I really don't know what's up with me right now. I had another break down last night. I have a fine evening, Kaden and I went to the grocery store, I watched some of my favorite shows - Grey's and Private Practice. But when I laid down to go to bed I was just overwhelmed. Kaden was sleeping soo peacefully, but I just felt the need to grab him and hold him. I didn't, I held back, but I did just sit in his nursery and listen to him sleeping. When I was sitting there I thought about how different the room used to look, yellow and green walls instead of blue, pink and yellow bedding instead of blue and red. I love Kaden's nursery, but Hannah's was so pretty, so girly. Kaden is all boy and his nursery reflects that I have a little pink crystal butterfly that I keep on a shelf in there, not that I need reminding but it was Hannah's room first. Just have to keep something of hers in there.
Maybe it is the holiday's coming up, then Hannah's second birthday will be in January. Maybe it was seeing our neighbors daughter at halloween, she's 2 days younger than Hannah. I don't see her very often, but when I do I'm always reminded that Hannah would be the same age, they would probably play together. I don't know - I hope I snap out this soon.
Some really good news from this week is that my friend's daughter Shelby is in the regular nursery!! Graduated from the NICU, they are actually talking about her maybe being able to come home next week. Much earlier than anyone expected so my friend is scurring around trying to get her nursery ready.
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Posted by Shelleylmu | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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BAD DREAMS
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Nov 12, 2009 01:41pm (EST)
So I had a really bad dream last night. The first part was nice, Hannah was there (although I couldn't see her face) - I was so happy to see her. Then Kaden was in the dream too. I had to choose - I could be with Hannah or Kaden but not both. I think it was the most horrible dream I've ever had. How do you choose? I shouldn't have to choose, I should be able to have them both!
I feel like the best part of me died with Hannah, the happy go lucky me, the no worries me, the lets have fun me. I look at pictures of myself before we lost Hannah and I almost don't recognize myself. My smiles are just not the same anymore. I know that Ryan has noticed the difference, we talked about it a little a few weeks ago. It's starting to cause a rift between us that I have to figure out how to close. I feel like to get those parts of me back that I have to let Hannah go, I don't know how to do that. I think my dream just visualized the internal stuggle I've been having.
I feel like such a mess right now. I want to be a good mom to both Hannah and Kaden and a good wife. I don't know if I can do it all.
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Posted by Shelleylmu | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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But I know there are so many of us feeling blue with the holidays coming up. I'm in the same boat. I feel like I have a split personality. We are having so much fun with Kaden, we got his picture taken with Santa, made plates with his footprints, buying gifts etc. But then I start thinking about how much we've missed with Hannah. She will be 2 years old in January. 2 years! How can that be?? Everything seems so surreal sometimes. 
I love em don't get me wrong but that's a long time. We'll see how it goes, hopefully we all won't drive each other crazy. This will be the first time they've seen Kaden in person since he was born. Are they in for a surprise - he's soooooo different. 
And of course I'm coming down with something to. I HATE cold/flu season - errr! I'm sure it's something we picked up on the plane over thxgiving. 
