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OUR BLUEBERRY
Akeelah's Mommy |
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NOT MYSELF
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Feb 03, 2010 05:33pm (EST)
I feel completely out of my element, literally & figuratively. I miss and long for the comfort of my house, my husband. It's a foreign feeling to be knowing and waiting. It's unnerving. I am continually frustrated by the fact that the better things go the more unglued I feel.
I couldn't sleep last night and listened to a This American Life radio show. It featured a few stories of people that experienced the murder of a loved one. I empathized with the first story about a son who thirty years after the murder of his mom was still searching for something to make it right. I so understood his journey wanting and searching for the answer of why this random tragedy happened to him. The interviewer ended by commenting on what it must be like to be THAT person who knows that the worst can happen because it did.
So here I am with everything pointing towards the good. I had a growth scan this morning and everything looks fine. Baby weighs an insane 6lbs 4oz and our peri confirmed this is all good, as good as it gets. So why aren't a jumping for joy and feeling relaxed?
From the apartment I am staying at I can see the hospital we'll deliver at. Instead of looking at it and feeling excitement I see it and feel this sense of doom. It reminds me of the days after Akeelah passed away when I could sit on our lanai and see the hospital she was born at, where she was awaiting an autopsy while I sat at home alone.
I really thought at this point I would feel excitement freely. So silly to have not anticipated the difficulty of this move. I feel like I've taken a million steps backwards. I wish I could hit a pause button and go home and crawl under my own blankets.
Late afternoon sleep deprived epiphany.
I think I am close to putting a finger on why I feel so discombobulated and irrationally scared. In a really strange and twisted way loosing a child is comfortable to me. I know what it feels like. I know what to expect. I know how to give birth in a traumatic way with the knowledge that things are going to be difficult for my little one. These are all awful terrible things that I wouldn't wish upon anyone or upon myself again. Yet, they are comfortable to me. It's been my reality for the past 19 months and always will be. It's all I know.
I have no clue what it's like to bring a baby home from the hospital. That concept is so foreign to me. I've been looking down focusing on putting one foot in front of the other this whole pregnancy- needing to just get through the pregnancy part. I don't think it's actually occurred to me that I have to deal with everything that comes after pregnancy. That I even use the words "deal with" says tons about my emotional preparedness! Go into labor when I'm SUPPOSED to go into labor, when it's a good thing? What the heck is that like? How utterly crazy that it's these more "normal" events that are now so intensely scary to me.
This is the most twisted thinking and yet I'm pretty sure this is what's causing my latest panic. And only so many more days for me to try to turn this thinking around. No pressure.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (17) | Permalink
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ONE WAY TICKET
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Feb 01, 2010 08:25pm (EST)
I have a one way ticket to O'ahu for tomorrow at noon. It's a planned one way ticket. Last time I went one way to O'ahu it was while being medi-vaced on a lil' prop plane. There was nothing planned about it. No planned packing list. No planned last days at home. No planned outfits.
I'm finding this experience unnerving. In fact it's downright paralyzing. Literally. I have laid out everything I think I might need and I can't put it in the bag. I just can't. I'm completely stuck. Physically and emotionally stuck.
I'm so scared of how much it hurts, of how much it will hurt to fill that bag with hope.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (16) | Permalink
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JUST THE FACTS
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Jan 28, 2010 08:07am (EST)
I'm gonna keep the emotion out of this one 'cause really I'm just not sure what I would even say about everything that's knockin' around in my lil' noggin. It's like scrambled eggs in there.
Sooo last update things were coming back atypical for preeclampsia. Which for the most part they still are but in a good way. Our protein rose a whole bunch this past week but other things they look at are still nice and in the normal range so that's uber cool. Also uber cool is although my blood pressure has identity issues (systolic is high but diastolic is low- yeah 145/60  ) it's not really changing that much which is awesome news.
So next week I am off to go twiddle my thumbs around O'ahu. It's a week earlier than we planned but whatever. I'm glad to finally have a date because I know I was completely procrastinating getting my butt over there. It makes things so real which in turn makes things so scary, good, but scary.
We'll continue our NSTs over there and do a growth scan at 36 weeks and shoot for a 37 week delivery. Sooooooooo, yep. Those are the facts. 
I almost forgot the best news, I got clearance to start swimming again, not Michael Phelps kind but at least enough to stop the atrophy! I'm so excited! I think I was a fish in another life and it has just plain stunk to not be able to swim around like I want!
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (13) | Permalink
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FINDING BALANCE
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Jan 16, 2010 05:21pm (EST)
Yesterday was one of those days. One of those days that creeps in and knocks you off your feet. Every day that I've lived with Akeelah in my heart instead of my arms leaves a dull ache all over. And then, then there are those days like yesterday when you can feel the pain acutely.
It was one of those days where half of me is living in her pregnancy in 2008 and it's as vivid as the actual day. My heart goes through it all again. It's excruciating.
While at first the day seemed a random throw back I think I figured out where it came from. I needed balance. There has been so much going on with this pregnancy and so many people involved now with good intention. I've had family just going nutty over what to buy us, which oh my goodness we are so grateful for but each call and question that I never got to take or answer for Akeelah took it's toll. It's just too much. Too much bittersweet just leaves you feeling bitter.
After a wonderful car cry from the doctor's office to home I went straight to Akeelah's garden and began ever so slowly to tend to it. Today I took myself to my favorite nursery to buy some flowers and plants I think she would like. It brought the butterflies back into my life and that's what I needed. I needed my balance of my sweet lil' Akeelah.
Mommy loves and misses you every day all day in every way.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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CONFUSION
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Jan 13, 2010 11:14pm (EST)
Just what I need. Seriously.
Let's start with the crystal clear. We're the most pregnant we've ever been. Baby is looking great, a whopping 4lbs 7oz which seriously sounds ginormous to me. Cervix is looking perfect. No more checks necessary unless contractions pick up considerably. This is all awesome.
Now, the clear as mud. My blood pressure and labs are all looking atypical. Seriously could I at least have a NORMAL complication? It leaves us in limbo. While we were planning on moving at 36 weeks, now maybe we move sooner. There are so many logistics, being in limbo only makes things more difficult. After all, it's not like we can just load up the car. Stupid ocean!!
Ugh. So we'll do more tests in hopes that things become clearer when the results come in next week.
All in all things are good. We're in amazing hands. We have awesome supports. We are so lucky and grateful to have made it this far, but these wrenches are taking a toll.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (13) | Permalink
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SHADDAP
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Jan 09, 2010 11:18am (EST)
Please pardon this rather grumpy post.
So I'm trying to be a little more open about this pregnancy with family and pre-Akeelah friends. Akeelah's pregnancy was an open book, literally, we blogged about it and everyone was in on it.
This pregnancy, not so much. Close family and friends didn't even know until 20 weeks, some much much later, and a whole heck of a lot of people still don't know. Ooh the joys of living on a rock.
So every month after an O'ahu appointment I would sent out a mass "No News is Good News" email with a latest picture. Anyway, although I considered not telling any of them about our preeclampsia I decided that was unfair and they had a right to know and be part of this pregnancy. So I did, a "No News is Ok News" email.
This is where I wanted to start shutting many people up. Why send me an email back telling me you just KNOW everything will be ok? Really? You *KNOW* huh? Nothing makes me more angry, frustrated or grumpy than false hope. You know nothing! It's worse and more annoying to hear it from people who a) have never been pregnant or b) have experienced picture perfect pregnancies.
And then came the "enjoy bed rest, you'll need that rest when baby comes!" Enjoy it? We've already been robbed of a year and half of sleepless nights with our Akeelah. You think we ENJOY our quiet house? It's broken our hearts.
But silly ole' me who forgot how different I have become from the vast majority of people sent out another update. It's becoming increasing clear that we're not shooting for 40 weeks, we're shooting for 37. Ok, fine. I know that's still term so yippy but it sucks. It feels like one more robbery. So I updated friends and family to expect a mid February baby rather than a March one and said dang it we're bummed.
Why did people feel they needed to tell me stories of no worries my baby was born at 38 weeks and was fine, oh my cousin had babies at 30 weeks they're fine (ok seriously we had Akeelah at 30 weeks, why you thought that would be helpful is BEYOND me). Or you'll be so excited to be done with things by then anyway. Seriously?!
I read these, and quickly deleted them. I could feel myself retract. Sometimes so happy in my little bubble surrounded by understanding I forget that they'll never understand. They'll never be able to be the supports they once were and it's lame.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (17) | Permalink
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DOCUMENTING A DAY
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Jan 02, 2010 09:24pm (EST)
I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about. I just want to document it. I cleaned Akeelah's room today for her sibling. Did everything I never got a chance to do with her, washed all their clothes, sheets, put things in a thoughtful place.
(and for those shocked that I did that after my pre-e post, I was cleared for 4hrs of light duty each day )
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (17) | Permalink
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MY D-DAY: 30W 6D
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Jan 01, 2010 12:32pm (EST)
This is my D-Day. The gestation that Akeelah was born- almost to the minute. I'm thankful that although the siblings will share the same home bed rest day, they will not share the same gestational birthday.
And my goodness, of all days for this day to fall on, New Years Day?! The day when you're supposed to re-start for the new year. It's almost too cheesy.
Tomorrow I will wake up and be the most pregnant I've ever been. Such a strange thing to ever think about or consider. This will be new time and I can honestly say that I'm grateful for it.
There is always that "evil wolf" that wants me to look at all this through its lenses. To be angry and bitter for all Akeelah went through in the end. We had such a rough pregnancy with her which lead to our insanely pro-active pregnancy with her sibling. But in this life where I have little control over anything, I have control over how I choose to look at these days. I choose to feed the good wolf.
I choose to look at these days with a grateful heart. Akeelah would have been a very caring big sister just like her mommy and she'd do anything for her sibling. In the end, she did everything. So I'll honor her with gratefulness for how ever many more weeks we're granted.
Mommy loves and misses you baby girl and is so amazingly proud of you.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (14) | Permalink
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AN IRONIC CONVERGENCE
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Dec 28, 2009 09:51pm (EST)
All day I had this blog rattling around in my head. There are so many significant milestones for us all converging simultaneously.
Yesterday we honored Akeelah's day. She would have been a year and half. The infamous 18 months, well would have 16 adjusted but whatever. Such an adorable time.
On Christmas Day I was the same gestation, and same day (Friday) as when we were admitted to our hospital and medi-vaced to O'ahu with Akeelah. We would stay at the hospital until Monday. Then we would be sent back to Maui for bed rest. A decision I know all our doctors regret.
So today, at this gestation with Akeelah we came home and made my bed my home at what sadly would only last 5 days.
This time two years (something I still can't believe was two years ago) we were pregnant with Akeelah. We hadn't officially tested yet, but we knew. I was on my way to spend New Years in NYC with my best friend. The hope for 2008 was immense.
When I was thinking about this blog and topic today I just thought of convergence. After my doctor's appointment today it all became so very ironic.
If I were a baseball player I'd be thrilled to break 300. Buuuut I'm not. So when my 24hr came back at exactly 300, yes 300 not 299, not 301, an annoying 300, I was and am PO'd!!! The official threshold of pre-eclampsia. Are you freakin' kidding me?!
I'm beyond angry. I have zero risk factors for pre-e. Of all the things I worried about with this pregnancy this was not one of them, not by a long shot. We did everything righter than right and had more doctors appointments, tests and ultrasounds than I can count... and still.
Pardon my brat attack but...
Stupid 300. Stupid blood pressure. Stupid bed rest. Stupid stupid stupid. So there. 
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (13) | Permalink
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