March of Dimes

SHARE HOME > SHARE YOUR STORY > ALL SHORT STORIES > BLOGS

ELENAHOPE'S JOURNAL

elenahope

July 2010

Category: Home

Sun

Mon

Tue

Wed

Thu

Fri

Sat

UPDATE

Oct 30, 2009 10:18am (EST)

Just an update just incase anyone thought I dropped out of this earth. Nothin' new... It's a cycle of pain, sorrow, allowing myself to be happy, excitement, hopeful, then sadness...then it starts all over again. Last weekend was fun time with friends and family. I brought my Godkids with me to meet up with some friends at the beach. All went well, until one of my friends husband asked me while I was holding my Godaughter...he asked, "You don't have a daughter, right? Who's kid is this one?" What an "ass". That's all I could think of. There I was, trying my best to allow myself to be happy and then...some insensitive person said that. The stupidest thing was that..it's not like he hasn't been around me these couple of years. He's seen me more than I could count since it happened. Anyway, my hubby told me that people just forget. All that tells me is that some people are just plain STUPID! I didn't say anything...hubby told him that she's our Godchild. Thank God that I was able to control myself and didn't have an outburst. I looked away and went on having a good time.

Other than that, all is well. Work is okay as work can be. Adoption is going along...1.5yr to go. I just try not to think of it much. Hubby and I are just trying to get to know each other without all the complications of trying to get pregnant. I've pretty much accepted the fact now that I could never have my own biological child. Health wise...had gynecological surgery...otherwise fine. Thanking God each day for my blessings and praying for strength as I face and live each day without Emma.

Sunday is all souls day. Took the day off to reflect, spend time with hubby, and visit Emma. I'll be thinking and praying for all our angels....

DSC00945

Posted by elenahope | Comments: (4) | Permalink

HONORING ALL OUR ANGEL BABIES

Oct 16, 2009 08:53am (EST)

Last night, my hubby and I had a nice peaceful time honoring our babies. Yesterday, as many of you probably know was Infant loss Awareness Day. I was so sad yesterday and didn't really know what to do until I realized enough of this sadness. I wanted to celebrate Emma's life and all our babies lives. We had a great time and were both so excited having our own remembrance ceremony. We even had countdown when we lit our candles and when to extinguished them. We felt so good that we were taking part of the wave of light. I've asked family and close friends to light candles for all our babies around the world. Many of them did. My hubby actually asked me if we can see the wave of light around the world from the satellite. I said probably yes.. He was so sweet. We prayed and had a nice dinner out in the patio. The weather couldn't have been anymore perfect. My gardenia even bloomed after three months. I love the smell of gardenias...

Our angels will always be remembered, honored, and be close to our hearts...

DSC01736

Posted by elenahope | Comments: (9) | Permalink

REMEMBERING ALL OUR ANGEL BABIES

Oct 14, 2009 07:28am (EST)

Last weekend I walked for the steps our angel babies never got to take. I thought of each and every one of our babies as I walked and felt the utmost peace within my heart. Our babies were the most courageous human beings I've ever known. The ceremony began with a Mom who spoke and shared her experience of losing her baby. She is an avid speaker and wrote her thesis of how health care providers can better provide care for high risks moms and how to communicate to a grieving mom. More than 1,000 people walked and could totally relate to her experiences. It was the one of the few places where I felt I belong and was not afraid to let my emotions out. As they read each and every one of the babies names, one could hear moms, dad, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters...as they let their tears flow. It was a very touching and emotional event for all of us. My family walked with us and I was very happy that even for a moment my Emma and all our angel babies were remembered and honored.

Hears a quote from Hippocrates..."Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity". Opportunity to make a difference...to make this world a better place!

DSC01666

Copy of DSC01665

Posted by elenahope | Comments: (7) | Permalink

FORGIVENESS VS FORGETTING

Oct 09, 2009 11:01am (EST)

During my pregnancy with Emma, other than my husband's support...I felt alone. don't get me wrong, my husband was the ultimate supportive husband. He was my rock and continues to be. However, I guess it's the little girl in me that I wanted my parent's support. My parents live outside the country. To make the long story short, I felt bitter that they weren't here to help me out. I was in bedrest...but what can I do when I have a household to run, my husband worked and so I was left to take care of myself. I stayed bedrest as much as I can. However, there were times when I would have to cook so i could eat. My water broke at 25wks...don't know if I caused it. I was in the hospital for 4 wks after that and then only lose my daughter at 29wks. I have a hard time forgiving myself. I'm still bitter to my parents though. They're already retired and didn't come to help me out. They didn't even come to my baby's funeral for some lame reason she gave me. I've forgiven them but I could never forget. In addition, I had a family member who's been a problem. He kept on calling me and bugging me for money while I was laying in the hospital trying so hard to keep it together.

When I look back now, there were so many obstacles. How I'd wish I would have asked for help when I needed it. How I'd wish I would have ignored people who just gave me problems. How I'd wish I would have thought of "ME" first before anybody else. Upto this day, I don't speak to my nephew..I've seen my parents after that but it's not the same. Forgiveness I could do; however, to forget is a very difficult thing to do!

Posted by elenahope | Comments: (7) | Permalink

MY HEART ACHES

Oct 06, 2009 12:14pm (EST)

Yesterday I heard of an awful news. A family friend passed away and left a husband and three kids. My heart breaks for them. Although, I was not close to this person..I could totally feel their pain. I woke up this morning feeling so sad. It reminded me of the pain and heartache I endured so much especially during the first few days. I felt as though I just lost Emma. It's been two years now and some days are harder than others. Tears just kept rolling down my face this morning. To be honest, I find it very hard to cry. Perhaps, I'm afraid that I won't be able to pick myself up after. Today, I am staying home and allowing myself to cry. I can't possible take care of others when I feel like I am crippled myself with grief. I miss my daughter so much. There are times, when I wake up in the middle of the night holding my tummy and thinking I'm still pregnant with her only to wake up to realized that she is no longer with me. I miss her so... My heart continues to ache for her.

In the next few days, I will be walking in the "Walk to Remember". I'll be walking in honor of my daughter and all our angel babies. No matter how hard it is to continue to walk forward and take courage, I will do so in honor of our babies. I'll take each step for them.

DSC00188

Posted by elenahope | Comments: (5) | Permalink

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS

Sep 28, 2009 10:00pm (EST)

No matter how hard I try to fit in again in this society...I just can't. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere but here. Recently, I went to my niece's birthday and thought I'd be fine. For the most part, I was okay until I saw my husband's face filled with joy. It broke my heart. My heart is broken that I couldn't give him that same happiness of being a father. I did the best I can. Infact, I was happy to be there for my niece. However, I felt some people were uncomfortable to be around me. They tried their best to ignore my prescence instead. We stayed until the end of the party. Needless to say, I felt so drained...emotionally drained that is when we got home. I still do. All I could think of was how much I miss my daughter and wished she as here with me instead. My heart aches to see my hubby fall all over my niece. We both love her very much. but for some reason...it hit me differently yesterday. I felt jealous for once. I thought of how unfair I am to keep him from such happiness of being a dad. I actually thought of letting him go. I thought he would be better off without me. Last night, I asked him if he still loves me eventhough I couldn't give him a child. He said but ofcourse "yes". I thought of how great we are together. I think that's all that matters. How much we love each other and that we grow old together. Everything and everyone else do not matter...only if I could keep fighting and never give up. I have to convince myself that my life did not end when my baby died but instead it's a new beginning and chapter of my life.

DSC01286

Posted by elenahope | Comments: (8) | Permalink

ANXIETIES

Sep 06, 2009 08:53am (EST)

I couldn't sleep at all last night. I hate it when that happens. Perhaps, it has somethin' to do with going to a friend's kids party and even more so inlaws get together. For those of you whose been following my blogs; you all know how my inlaws are by now. Therefore, needless to say I'm pretty anxious. The worse part is that my husband is not the confrontational type so whenever there were rude comments said to me; he just pretends he didn't hear them. It's so frustrating on my part, mostly because I feel alone. How I'd wish he defends me when times like that happens, but he doesn't. I would, but it would come out better from him. My inlaws are very unpredictable. One moment they talk to me; some moments they just ignore me. Let's just say that my SIL was more upset about her dog passing away than when we lost my baby. They would come in and have lets say dinner at my house without even saying thank you. Sometimes, I think to myself if my life would be better if I was alone. However, that's probably they're intention...to see us fall apart. It would be nice not to put up with inlaws anymore...however, I do love my husband so I put up with them. I don't know how much I could do though. I feel like one of these days, I would just lose it. I'm just tired of all these complications. For the most part, we just spend our time away from them...but there are times when he wants to be around his family.

Thanks for letting me vent. Oh by the way, have lots of fun for me at the SU. So sorry I can't make it:( work, finances, sucks!

DSC00588

Posted by elenahope | Comments: (6) | Permalink

NO PLACE TO GO

Sep 01, 2009 06:35pm (EST)

I feel like this person who is in no man's land. I feel like I don't belong anywhere except here on SHARE. I surround myself with family, friends, coworkers; however since I lost my daughter I feel like I don't belong anywhere. It sucks. I find myself always wanting to go on vacation. When I'm on vacation I feel closest to Emma. I don't know...but I just do. I've been around my inlaws a lot and my nieces and nephews. I do enjoy them. They keep me busy and bring me joy. However, the moment they leave...I start to feel empty again. I don't know why I even talk about this..it's just a painful cycle that never ends.

There are times when I feel like my inlaws would prefer if my husband leaves me. I'm starting to think that they come over with the kids to try to show my husband what he doesn't have. I know that this is not probably true. I just can't help it...it's just my insecurities. I know it's me and my insecurities; I'm confident that my husband loves me for who I am with or without a child.

A good friend of mine invited me to her kid's birthday party this weekend. I feel awkward just goin' there with my hubby. I honestly think that she doesn't get it. We feel awkward goin...it's like rubbin' it in that we don't have a child. It hurts... to feel like you don't belong anywhere. I'm trying so hard to live this new normal but it's not easy.

DSC01158

Posted by elenahope | Comments: (5) | Permalink

BALANCING ACT

Aug 20, 2009 09:10am (EST)

Lately, we've been busy hanging out with our family. I can say that it's been great and seeing our Godkids was fun. I find it such a blessing to have them and I do look forward to seeing them. Although, haven't been around our friends much and I do miss them. Since I lost my daughter, I find that the key to "moving forward" is to have this balancing act between your spouse, family, work, and friends. When I immersed myself with family alone, I don't get that feeling of being myself. Perhaps, I can't or don't want to be totally open about my feelings. I am truly happy to be around my godaughter and I just can't seem to get enough of her. In a way, I think that it's good for me to be around her to get more used to this "new normalcy" of my life. Someone who also lost a child told me that sometimes, you need to add salt to your wound. However, too much of that could also be emotionally tiring. This is the time when I try to be around my friends more. People who keeps my mind of things and just keep me laughing. And there are times when I absolutely just want to be honest and open and that is when I have alone time with my husband. Life now is truly a balancing act and it's not easy. It's just a cycle of trying to survive after losing my baby. It's a very difficult thing to do.

DSC01137

Posted by elenahope | Comments: (7) | Permalink

WISHFUL THINKING

Aug 14, 2009 11:25am (EST)

It's been two years now since we lost our prescious Emma. The cloud has lifted, sadness that used to wreak from the walls of my house is not as apparent as you walk in anymore, and as each day passes both Emma's heart and mine are more at peace.

Yesterday, as I saw my coworker who has her grandchild in NICU who was born at 27 wks, will get to go home in a few weeks. I was totally happy for her ofcourse. However, I couldn't help but wished that I got to take Emma home instead of saying goodbye to her forever. I look forward to sleeping at night just to be able to dream that she was with me instead. I love that feeling of closeness and missing it terribly.

I remember those good old times when I talked to her every day and wished her a great day. I sang to her, read her stories, and talked to her many times throughout the day. I loved how my hubby came home and kissed my tummy and talked to her. He always brought me and Emma yummy treats to eat. Those were our happiest times ever. Wishful thinking I guess but I would give up anything to bring back those days. We were complete as a familly. We were the happiest!

Posted by elenahope | Comments: (6) | Permalink

Archives