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ANGEL KYLIE'S MOMMY: MY JOURNEY

angelkyliesmommy

July 2010

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TEN STEPS BACK

Feb 17, 2010 08:14pm (EST)

Last night was a bad, bad night.

My chest pain episodes (from pregnancy), returned with a vengance. I jumped in the shower- the only relief I have... and it stopped. I got out, sat down, and put a warm rice bag on my shoulders... and... it came back in full force. The shower... nothing helped. I was screaming in pain... nearly vomiting with the pain. this threw me back to September at the worst visit to the ER I had... when no one listened and I nearly punched holes in walls.

My bp shot up to 141/111, and i was nuts in pain. chris called 911. They were here within 5 mins.. but that last episode lasted over 20 minutes. They took me in on the ambulance, and i had one small episode on the ride in.

Immediately they ran bloodwork. My white blood cell count was a little high, along with another test they run for blood clots. I had a chest xray and a CT scan... and no results.

I did leave with a referral to a gastroenterologist. So let's hope he can find out what is wrong with me. I am just at a loss- the gall bladder is gone, so why is this still happening?

No, it's not anxiety.

But I want answers. Real ones.

So frustrated, and in some pain from the severity of the attacks...

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink

POST-OP

Feb 13, 2010 09:02pm (EST)

Well, it's been 2 days since surgery day, but technically this is day 3.

Yesterday was harder to move around, but i didn't hurt as bad- just really stiff as the anesthesia still was leaving my body. Thursday night after the surgey, I woke up every hour on the hour. I have been having some serious neck swelling and redness, and I was terrified I was going to stop breathing in my sleep. I was restless yesterday, but I finally took a 2 hour nap and felt better. Today, well they were right. Day 3 is the worst. I can't stand up straight! I got out and went to one of my close friends' son's first birthday party, but it wore me out. She was gracious though, and had me a comfy chair, and she even gave me a goody bag for Kylie (she didn't forget! How sweet is that?).

I have been (for lack of a better word) constipated since surgery- they told me it would be the opposite, and it hasn't been. I must not handle anesthesia really well, because it was ten times worse with my c-section. Even the meds in the hospital didn't help! I have since fixed the problem, so I don't have as much pain, but I still can't sleep in my bed- the couch has been my home for the past 3 days. And yes, Chris has slept in the recliner by the couch each night. He has cooked dinner, given jaycee a bath, gotten the house cleaned.. and for Valentine's Day, he is painting both of the bathrooms in our house to match the color in the kitchen: Hot Chocolate (I love the color!).

I am still concerned with my neck though. We called immediately the day of surgery when we noticed the neck was swollen, and they said if my airway closes, to call 911, but that was it. It is so red, and it looks like i have no neck at all. I'm still concerned.

Well, I hope you are all having a good Valentine's weekend...

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink

BYE, BYE, GALLBLADDER!

Feb 11, 2010 05:03pm (EST)

Well, I had surgery at 10:30 this morning =) My gall bladder is officially GONE! Who has the last laugh now? hehe..

According to the surgeon (who, may I add, is AWESOME), my gall bladder was TINY (he was perplexed by its size) and had tons of tiny gallstones.

I'm just a little sore... and my throat is really scratchy (more so than with my c-section) and my neck is a tad swollen. We just ahve to keep an eye on it in case something bad (heaven forbid) happens with my throat.

$1500 and 22 walkers for the MOD =) YAY!

My hubby is actually taking good care of me, so I am a little less peeved with him right now. Jaycee is pretty good medicine, too.

Chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner!

Thank you all for the well wishes and for thinking of me. You are wonderful, and I love you.

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink

MASS CONFUSION

Feb 09, 2010 01:25pm (EST)

So today I sit here confused. My mom suggested I write a list of positives and negatives, good and bad. She asked me what I can live with and what I can't. Well, I just don't know anymore. I am so confused...

What I wrote yesterday is heavy on my mind. All of those things I feel.

However, yesterday Chris did have words with his sister and the payment on the vehicle was made. He talked with the bank and everything. He did take one tiny step. But I reminded him... it doesn't fix everything. It just holds off for a month on the vehicle until it's late again. And again. And again. Too much stress in just that one thing.

There is so much to think about and work on. My number one concern is that beautiful, precious Jaycee. I have to keep her in mind no matter what we decide. I know his family will do everything they can not to let me see her at all. I cannot bear to lose another child. Though I did not give birth to her, she is more mine than her real mother. I just can't stand to lose her...

I'm at a crossroads right now. I'm not sure to keep traveling down the track I'm on or to turn onto the new path.

The only thing keeping me going is the March for Babies. In 8 days, we have $1300 and 20 team members. I am overwhelmed with the love and support that I have received, and we still have 67 days left. What a blessing Kylie's memory is!

Please keep thinking of me as I continue into the unknown... and surgery is Thursday. Can't wait to get rid of the poison.

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink

MY LIFE RIGHT NOW

Feb 08, 2010 07:23am (EST)

Well, I'm not sure what to say, or how to say it, or where my words will take me, but I am going to let my writing take over now.

Chris and I have been having marriage trouble... there has been marriage trouble for several years now. A lot of our problems come from his family--his mother is very controlling (as is one of his sisters) and does not like the fact that she has no power or control over me, and she has lost some of her power or control over Chris since we've been together. She is the queen of guilt trips, too. I have already told you about the incident where she "disowned" Chris over the vehicle his sister is purchasing from us...

I have had a big issue with Chris in the past 5 years (we've been married nearly 6) with him choosing to put his mom and sisters first, before me. I have reminded him that he took a vow to me when he married me to put ME first now... his mom is not supposed to be first anymore, but he has done everything possible to try to help his sister find money to pay off this vehicle or to help his mom get extra money instead of getting the vehicle back like I asked the first time over a year ago, and every month since then, and trying to find money for his mother instead of trying to find money for us. Chris likes to swipe his card, likes to spend money without asking... I can't tell you how many times my mom has had to help cover our negative account because Chris will just spend and spend...

I truly DID love Chris. I fell in love with him from the beginning... but now, I'm not sure I love him anymore. I know these things sound terrible and shallow but I just can't take much else.

My whole life, I have been driven to do well for myself, to make good grades, to make my parents proud of me, to work my butt off for what I have. I have a bachelor's degree from Auburn University: I was determined my whole life that my degree would come from there, and it did, thanks to diligence, hard work, and support from my family. I graduated high school with a 3.8 GPA; I took advanced classes, and I was dually enrolled in college while in HS, and finished my freshman year of college the summer I graduated HS. I started working as a teacher for a year after graduating Auburn, Magna Cum Laude, and then I enrolled in the Master's program at a local college. In two years, going during the summer and to night classes, I had my graduate degree with highest honors. I am big on education, and working hard for what I own. I try to save money to pay bills, and I am really big on trying to get better on my own without seeing the doctor too much (which is where I struggled in my prengancy).

Chris, on the other hand, did not get a high school diploma. He simply has a certificate of attendance, because he did not pass his graduation exam. His mom never pushed him to go back and re-take it, and he had until he was 21 to pass it. He never did go back. He took the GED once without any preparation and failed all parts. His mom informed me he has ADHD and she took him off the mediicne for it because it made him emotional. She told me he received special services for his reading difficulties. Now, don't read this the wrong way- I am not saying I'm better than him. I knew all these things when I married him. However, the longer we are together, the more I realize that his mother enabled him throughout his school years--she wanted him to depend on her and rely on her, and now that he doesn't, she is desperately trying to get to him in every way, and believe it or not it's working. Chris uses things as crutches: he says he has a terrible memory and blames it on the ADHD. He blames his temper on his ADHD, and he often says "I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't help it." Until his current job, he job-hopped. My parents helped him get several jobs, and several of them he was fired from- I would never tell him this, but the employers told my parents that he had a horrible temper, a bad attitude, and didn't want to work (and yes, he is lazy, even at home). A friend of the family got him this current job, and he's been there for 3 1/2 years-- working for the city basically riding around in a truck in the winter and cutting grass in the summer. The more I think about him and how he is, the more angry I get. He hid three speeding tickets from me (two of which his sister paid, and she was holding that money hostage for a vehicle payment- this I found out in December)... because he didn't want to "Upset me" One of them was during my pregnancy with Kylie. He also is a terrible gossip. He is worse than a girl- he tells other people's business, and he takes FOREVER to tell a story... see? Stupid things are driving me absolutely crazy.

He doesn't do most of the things I ask, he doesn't "remember' when he needs to pay a bill... he doesn't remember to take care of business matters, and he STILL has done nothing to get the vehicle back, and it is late AGAIN. He is very impatient with Jaycee and with me: he yells, he cusses, he's quick to spank, he's impatient... when he does talk, he's rude, he's snappy, he's pissy (and this is even BEFORE Kylie)..

I had actually asked him to leave and we were living apart when I found out I was pregnant with Kylie (he had to leave on Sunday and I found out that following Thursday). I thought maybe this was what was supposed to bring us together... we had started working on our money problems with my mom's help, so I wasn't stressed, and the whole reason he left was because, again, of the vehicle. Then, when we had Kylie early, he was good to me... he was good and he was strong... and then... Kylie left us.. and he was good until after her funeral... and then, my life has been pure hell and misery since then.

I can't bring myself to say "I love you" when we talk... I can't bring myself to be lovey dovey. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want him to try to be sweet. I don't want a hug, or a kiss. I am angry, I think.. but I don't want him even around me. Last night I asked him to sleep in the living room. I just don't want him to even look at me changing, or anything. I think our problems are beyond a marriage counselor. I don't get any comfort from him anymore- i just get annoyed. I dream about being happy with someone else (no one in particular)... I want another baby, and I want another baby now, but I don't think I want one with him. I had these feelings before we lost Kylie, but they have intensified since Christmas.

I just don't know anymore. I don't even cry when I talk about it or think about it, which makes me feel like maybe this is the best thing. We have purchased the plots on one side of Kylie, and the plots on the other side are still available, so he can still be buried there on the other side of her if we divorce. See? what kind of person just randomly thinks these thoughts? I have thought it all through... what he gets, what I get, what will happen with this, with that, what bills he will get in his name.. all of it! How horrible is that?

But it all comes down to one thing: I am not happy in my marriage. I haven't been happy in my marriage. I don't feel that I WILL be happy in my marriage. I even have thoughts of how Chris isn't really made for me, because we value such different things... and it really annoys me that he is such a hypochondriac. He goes to the doctor for everything, and it drives me insane. We have spent more money letting him go to the doctor for stupid headaches or "I don't feel good" than we did for all the ER and L and D visits during my pregnancy, which were a lot!!!! I don't even want him at my surgery on Thursday (and by the way, my dad has already threatened to make a scene if Chris's parents or sister show up, which is fine by me). What is wrong with me?

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink

UPDATE ON THE SHOOTING

Feb 05, 2010 10:03pm (EST)

Sadly, Todd Brown, the young man shot today, did not make it. My heart bleeds for his family, for the kids, for everyone.

All I can think of is that look on my 4th block's faces... all I can see is all of those sweet, young, innocent faces change in front of me... That blanket of safety, of innocence, it all just jerked away from them the innocent I said shooting.... my heart is just aching and throbbing..

And many of us know what it is like to lose your child.. how agonizingly painful and awful it is... and now, we have another set of parents joining us on this journey without our children. Regardless of the age of teh child, they hurt the same. No one should EVER have to bury a child... NO ONE...

Please pray for peace and comfort. The shooting took place in a crowded hallway during class change time... so there are plenty of traumatized students....

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (1) | Permalink

PLEASE PRAY...

Feb 05, 2010 02:24pm (EST)

Our fellow sister middle school in our city had a shooting this afternoon. There are only two middle schools and one high school in our city (lots of elementary). Discovery is only about 5-10 miles from Liberty, and the student that was the shooter was a Liberty student for his 7th and 8th grade years, and moved to Discovery for his 9th. He shot a fellow ninth grader. This boy was shot in the back of the head and is in critical condition. My students are very shocked.

I am mourning already for their innonence and their loss of their idea of being safe. My poor 7th graders are terrified of walking home today, of walking into the hallway. They are so afraid now, and it breaks my heart to have that innocence taken away. Now, this is something they will never get back. This is a sad, sad day, and I am so deeply saddened for the family of the young boy. I am at a loss for words, and just praying that this family does not lose their precious child. No one, no one deserves to lose a child at any age for any reason, and my heart is holding on to hope that he can pull through this.

Please, please pray for him and his family, and for the family of the shooter.

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink

MOD

Feb 05, 2010 08:19am (EST)

Well, well, well... I absolutely LOVE our regional director! My meeting with her yesterday went so well. I told her my story, and we cried together. She is looking up how much MoD monies go to NEC research for me, and then we will start a plan of action there to get more research monies going! This is just what I have been looking for. She also was so touched by my story that she feels we should share my story. The local Valley Babies magazine publishes stories all the time, and so she wants my story to be told. I am so excited about the awareness to NEC that this can bring. We are also going to start working on an annual October 15 service (Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness Day), and she is going to help me start a support group for moms of NICU babies, stillborn babies, and infant loss. I'm thinking of naming the group: "Mommys, too".

In just 5 short days, team Angel Kylie's HOpe has raised $460!!!! We now have 16 team walkers, and when we hit $40, one of my student's moms will donate the $500 to match!!!!!! I am so thrilled to be so close to $1,000 in just 5 days... it is within reach!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe it? 71 more days until the walk, and we could have potentially $1,000!

Dear John tonight with my bestie, the circus tomorrow with the family, and Super Bowl party on Sunday...

And by the way, Tracy, this is just for you....

WAR EAGLE! =) Nothing like a good ole' Auburn girl spreadin' the love for her team.

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink

SURGERY AND MORE

Feb 04, 2010 07:59am (EST)

A week from today, I am scheduled for out-patient surgery to have my gall bladder removed. Thank God! The appointment with the surgeon lasted all of 15 minutes. He said no if's, and's, or but's! I was like, that is funny, because that is what I was going to tell you!!!!! It is a huge weight off my shoulders to know that this gallbladder is coming out. No longer can it ruin my life. I have it removed Thursday and will be back at work on Tues (we have a 4 day weekend). I already did my pre-op admissions, so the blood work and ekg is done. Great news on top of that- we can start trying again immediately. Actually, I should start my period that next week, so I will wait until my next cycle. That will put us at 5 months post-c-section. I will feel much better and safer about it. However, it will also put us with a due date a month away or close to Kylie's original. My last period was March 27 before I got pregnant last year, and her due date was Jan 1. I am hoping for closer to my b-day (Nov 28) so that we can get past October.. though October will be pins and needles for me, pregnant or not. It would be so great to be pregnant with my best friend, though I know that in all likely-hood, I won't conceive right off the bat.

Friday, we're going to see Dear John, just me and Jessica. I already read the book, but have been told that they changed the ending because pre-screening didn't like the ending... so we'll see how it turns out. We all know how the other movies by Nicholas Sparks end, so I can only imagine. But, girl time nonetheless.

Saturday we're going to the Funundrum (Barnum and Bailey) circus. My husband has never been to a circus, and this will be Jaycee's first. We're going with my sister and BIL and 11 month old nephew (I love that little chunker! I have included a pic of him). My got us tickets for Christmas, which was really neat =) I love getting to do things with my sissy... we hated each other growing up, but now, we get along great. Poor sissy, she had a horrible time with Kylie's passing, and she calls her "Ky-Ky". We were all so excited about Kylie, and it really hit my sister hard, and she has a lot of guilt about not being at the hospital enough because she has Nick-Nick to take care of etc. I don't know what to say to her to make her better, but like me, she's really throwing herself into the March for Babies for us, so I think that will really help her heal some.

Today, I am meeting with our area's March of Dimes "head person" or whatever. She wanted to meet with me to see what I could do to volunteer and to hear my story. I think that I will be very active with the MOD from now on, so I am excited about the opportunity to meet with her and tell my story and find out what else I can do to help. It is very, very exciting.

Our team is at 12 people, with about 9 to 10 more potential walkers, and we already have $270 with 72 days left! Amazing! Still willing to take any suggestions you may have for me!

nicknick

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink

BLOWN AWAY!!!!

Feb 03, 2010 12:46pm (EST)

In 3 short days, we have $250 and 12 team members for Angel Kylie's Hope!!!! I am so touched and amazed! A co-worker joined and gave $100... i just sobbed with happiness. What a special gift!

Please check out Thirty-One gifts; my consultant is doing a party and is donating all her proceeds from the online sale to the March of Dimes. Thirty-One is an AWESOME company, and the special this month is $1 monogramming on anything that can be monogrammed! If you go to Brandi's events, the end date of the fundraiser is February 28. Please check it out !

https://www.mythirtyone.com/2713/

Posted by angelkyliesmommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink

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