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...WAITING SUCKS

Jul 25, 2011 11:09am (EST)

So still not pregnant. I did blood work on CD3 this cycle and have to go back on CD22 for more. The nurse there said she thought it was silly for me to be doing all this testing when the specialist said she was like 99% sure it was Dennis' medicine that's causing the issue and he still hasn't gone to the doctor.

It's so frustrating. No matter what I do, nothing is going to work if it is a sperm issue. Yesterday he told me that he had googled it and read that some guys on Androgel had to be put on a different med because it can interfere with sperm production. It made me so mad. All this time he tried to act like it wasn't that. That his endo doc said he didn't think that was the problem so he just left it at that... all the while knowing that others had had the same problem with that med. It makes me so mad.

To top it all off, once he does get switched to a estrogen blocker (right now he's on a testosterone booster), it can take up to 6 months for his body to start working right. SIX months!!! OMG.. I'm so frustrated. So yesterday he said he was going to make the appt (since he has 2 different referrals from 2 different doctors) to get his sperm checked. I texted him at lunch and low and behold, he "hasn't had a chance" to make the appt. Go figure.

So this 'discussion' that we had yesterday was on the way to a friend's baby shower. Yeah, I had to endure that. Surrounded by a bunch of pregnant women. It sucked. Most of my friends who were trying to get pregnant when I started have either had a baby or is pretty far along. All except for one...

We've become pretty close through our separate but similar infertility issues. Until now. She told me on Sunday (yeah, it was a whamy of a day) that she, too, is now pregnant. Don't get me wrong- I'm really excited for her. It's her 4th... kinda. She married someone who had 3 kids. The youngest, twins, were 3 yrs old when they got together so she's never had the baby experience. I am truly happy for her- extremely jealous- but happy.

Dennis told me I was bad. He said I can't really be happy for someone if I'm jealous. He just doesn't get it. The whole way to the baby shower I just wanted to cry. He kept asking me what's wrong (since guys can be retarded sometimes), but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. "Why not me?" Gosh, just typing it makes me feel so selfish. But it's my true feelings. I don't want her to not be pregnant- I just want to be pregnant too!!! Like I said, he just doesn't get it.

So that's my woeful tale. It seems to be the same tale over and over and over every month. I'm hoping that someday soon I'll be posting something exciting. That I'll pee on like 10 different pregnancy tests just to make sure that the first one really was right. I want that day more than just about anything. But I can't help thinking that it's just a pipe dream and that I should start scrapbooking my adoption book and get it over with already.

Sorry to go on and on and on about this. I just had to get it off my chest and SHARE seems to be the only place I feel like I can do it without being judged and told 'just be patient' and 'relax' and 'it will happen when it's supposed to.' I feel like I'm so far past all those comments!!

Thanks for listening.

July 18-22,2011 091

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (6) | Permalink

SPERM, EGGS AND OVULATION- OH MY!

Jul 05, 2011 07:42pm (EST)

Well, Dennis went to see his Endo doc today about his testosterone levels again. He has to go in every 3 months to get more blood work and tests done. His doctor still doesn't think his meds should interfere with sperm production (even though the fertility specialist said it can). He said Dennis' testosterone levels were at a 'high- normal' range and that maybe that could be the cause. He's going to lower Dennis' dosage. I think it's all crap. Dennis still hasn't made the appt to get his swimmers checked yet. I think that should be the starting point since maybe it's NOT him and he'd be changing around all the meds for nothing.

I'm on cycle 9 or 10 since originally started TTC. When I talked to the fertility lady, she said it can take 9 months for a women in her 30's to conceive. Well, I'm at the 9 month mark. I'm hoping it works out. I used an ovulation kit this month (although timing usually lined up the other cycles any ways). It was kinda strange though. I bought one that had a control line and then the variable line that changed every day and mine showed it stayed dark or darker than the control line for 4 days in a row. I was wondering if maybe I have too much of something going on because from what I read online, you shouldn't get continual dark lines on those things. I think next month I'm going to get a digital one so maybe that will help... I don't know.

As far as ovulation, it seems that everything lined up again this month, so fingers crossed, I'll have some good news in about a week or so

Although at this point I'm not holding my breath!

We went to a wedding this past Sunday, and I got some fun new pics of Kaitlyn. She sure did enjoy herself. She was a scene stealer. Her favorite thing was the dancing. She was up there before anyone else. The last picture is of her with my husband and dad

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Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (6) | Permalink

PRAYERS PLEASE!!

Jun 13, 2011 02:30pm (EST)

Hey SHARE friends, I just wanted to request that you all pray for my friend Kelly. She was my closest friend when I was in High School, stood by me when my sister died and most of my friends abandoned me (from fear of what to say). And on Saturday, she lost her baby.

She was 33 weeks pregnant, went to the hospital because of pain and bleeding, and by the afternoon, delivered her daughter, Katelyn Grace, sleeping. She passed due to an apparent Placental Abruption. My heart goes out to her. I am so sad. Even though I know you all, have talked to you all and listened to you talk about your angel mommy experiences, I still feel completely unprepared as to what to say to her. "I'm sorry" isn't enough. Words can't express it enough.

She recently moved to TX, so I can't visit her in the hospital (where she's staying staying for the next 2 weeks due to complications). I feel so lost and helpless. Is there anything you can think of that I should be doing to help her through this tragic time??

Please pray for her, her husband Steven, and their little boy Jake. I know that their family was all prepared to welcome little Katelyn here so that also means coming home to all her things. Any advice that I can use to help comfort her, anything that helped you angel mommies during those first awful days would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for being there!! I plan on sending her here as soon as I can... I don't know when that even is... How early is it okay to send her this way? I don't want to overwhelm her anymore than she already is..

PS~ BFN again this month, but all things considered, I'm so thankful for what I have!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (5) | Permalink

MY APPOINTMENT

Jun 09, 2011 07:32pm (EST)

Okay, so I had my appointment 2 days ago. It's been crazy and just realized I didn't update everyone on how it went. It was okay, I guess. We didn't really accomplish much. Basically, Dr M thinks I'm fine. I just need to relax and stop trying to rush things so much. I brought in some of my charts (which equals 4 because some didn't save for some reason). He took a look at them, was impressed by my thermal shifts, denoting I do indeed ovulate, and said that basically he thinks we just need to 'do it' more often. Yeah. So granted, some of the charts show that we only did it once before ovulation, but it was the NIGHT before. So all those stupid sperms should have been ready and waiting. I can see if you completely missed ovulation, but the timing was great.

He said that the Jones Institute for Reproductive Medicine comes down from VA and does seminars monthly that are free and I can go to those. He said he'd set up a consult with them if we really want one, but he needs 2 months notice to make suret they can run all the test that need ran. At this point he really doesn't want to do anything hormonallly because he doesn't really think we've been trying for THAT long. Basically, he said we should give it another 6 months. Have sex more often, and see what happens... oh, and RELAX.. (Like I haven't heard that enough already- he got a big eye roll for that one!!)

I told Dennis that he can't complain that he feels like a piece of meat next month since he was smiling so big about the doctor giving his blessing to do it [alot]. One of the reasons we cut it back before was because of that statement!!

So that was how my appointment went. "You've already had a baby, so your body CAN get pregnant. Just keep trying and it will happen." Blah. Blah. Blah.

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (6) | Permalink

APPOINTMENTS, APPOINTMENTS

Jun 07, 2011 04:08pm (EST)

So today is the BIG day! I'm going to see my baby doc at 2:30!!! Hopefully I'll get some answers... or at least be able to ask some questions. I'm hoping that they decide to send off my hubby for the "swimmer check" and me... oh me. I'm hoping for something. I just realized I didn't get my yearly in April... but I'm hoping that that doesn't happen today... ick.

So I was already planning to leave work early to make this first appointment when my mom called rather frantic. Kaitlyn fell during her walk, then another 2 year old tripped over her and landed on her head... which was then smashed into the concrete... breaking part of her little toofy off. Thus my second appointment- the dentist.

So I was trying to hold myself together at work. Telling the principal I needed to leave... getting my junk together (since I didn't know how bad it was, I left right away). All I knew was that Kaitlyn was screaming her head off in the background. So I make it to the car where K-Love is on... God is so good. What song would start just as I turned on my car? Matt Redman's "You Never Let Go." I have to mention that when I was in the hospital on bedrest with Kaitlyn, that was my theme song. I'd sing it all the time. I sang it to her in the hospital. I means so much to me and I thought how cool it was that at that exact time, it was playing- just for me! It really helped me calm down alot.

I tried calling the dentist, but the only appointment they had wasn't til 3:00- a half hour after my other appointment starts... in 2 different states. Thankfully my mom is AWESOME so she agreed to take Kaitlyn to the dentist for me so I don't have to reschedule my baby appt. (which I think would've made me cry)..

My only probably is that Kaitlyn hasn't been to the dentist yet... ever. She hates doctors.. she's combative and I feel really bad leaving her with my mom. Don't get me wrong, she is SUPER close to my mom... but I know she's going to be scared and that breaks my heart.

So I wanted to share my drama... and it's only 12:00!! I'll let everyone know what happens at the appointment (which will probably be nothing!)

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (4) | Permalink

MY LITTLE PUDDLE

Jun 06, 2011 02:20pm (EST)

My Big appointment is tomorrow afternoon! Finally!! I'm so excited to go, even though I'm sure I won't have any answers to anything just yet. I'm just happy to know that I've taken a step towards the answers I seek.

I'm happy to be going to the doctor tomorrow for another reason. For the past couple of days, I've been having a pain in my upper right side. It reminds me of the pain I had when I was pregnant, when my liver was acting up during the hellp syndrome. Several years ago, I was having gallbladder issues. It kinda feels like a burning pain, like heart burn, except not in the middle of my chest where you get heartburn. It's up under my ribs... and the middle of my back. And it sometimes hurts when I breath deep. Unfortunately, these are the same symptoms I had when I was having gallbladder issues before. I'm also nauseas and queezy all the time (well, several times a day). I figure if it's still going on when I see the doc tomorrow, maybe he'll point me in the right direction.

When this was going on last time, I had a ton of tests run. Apparently my gallbladder was only working at 30%... but I didn't have any stones, and eventually the pain just kinda went away so I didn't end up having surgery on it. I'm hoping that the pain goes away again... but then I think about wanting to be pregnant, and I know that if and when I do get pregnant, there really isn't much they can do to help me if it is gallbladder related. Seems like I should get it checked out now.

So I was hoping to be like 10 dpo when I see the doctor (in hopes of getting a blood test to see if I'm pregnant)... TCOYF software estimates me to be 8 dpo, I was thinking more like 9. I guess we'll see. I'm trying to remain optimistic about everything, and to be accepting of God's plan for my life.

We're doing a Beth Moore Bible study with our small group, and she was relaying a story about some ducks she saw swimming in a puddle of water. She said that just next to the puddle was a small hill, and on the other side of that small hill was a beautiful lake. But the ducks couldn't see the lake. So they stayed and splashed in the puddle instead. She said she wanted to yell at those ducks and tell them, "hello?! You're swimming in a puddle!!" Sometimes that's probably how God looks at us. We're there, swimming in a puddle... looking at that big obsticle- (the hill) in our way. Making the best of what's right there in front of us. Never realizing what wonderful things God has in store for us, if we can just make it over that hill! I'm hoping to make it to the lake myself!

I'll let you guys know how my appt goes tomorrow

Hoping for the best!! Thanks for being so supportive SHARE friends!!

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (5) | Permalink

TESTS...?

May 27, 2011 07:43pm (EST)

I was going to write this as a message, but I figured I'd post it as a question too...

Erin~ I haven't had any tests done yet for fertility. I had some tests run last April (2010) to see if I had blood clotting disorders, Lupis, and that kind of stuff that would have caused the HELLP Syndrome. I never heard back from EVMS, so I assume it was all clear and good.

I'm not quite sure what kind of tests they'll be doing this time around. I was thinking they'd be checking my hormone levels and stuff. I don't know how all that works. I do know that everytime I ovulate, I get really nauseas from about 6 dpo to when I get AF- I didn't used to before. I was wondering if maybe my hormone levels are too high or something... I have no clue! When I made my appointment for June 7th, they did mention taking blood, so maybe they're going to do some of those tests that you had mentioned.

Shannon~ Thanks for that... I'm glad to have such good friends that understand me instead of tell me that I should be happy with what I have. I hate when people [who have like 4 kids] say that to me. I just want to slap them upside the head.-- not any of you SHARE friends though!

We're taking control, you and I!

I have a friend who is currently going to school to become a midwife. She's been very interested in my charting and all that stuff and she thinks the doctor may put me on Clomid. Is that something that they normally just put you on? According to my charts, I using definately show strong temperature shift- showing ovulation has occured. It's all very confusing to me. I just hope that when I finally see him in.... 10 days.... I'll get some answers to some of my questions.

I still haven't gotten my charts fromt that stupid online archive site. Maybe tonight..? Dennis is working late, so I can do it when he's not there so I don't have to have him ask, again, why it's so important. Ovulation is coming up (should be like Sunday or Monday) and I'm thinking about whether I should do the 'every other day' method or try to wait til then to have the most sperms there as possible. [sorry... TMI]

Have any of you tried the 'wait for a week before ovulation' way or do you all do the 'every other day' or 'every day'??? I was just thinking IF it is Dennis' low T that's the problem, maybe I should make him wait it out til closer to ovulation?? Any ideas??

thanks for listening, yet again, to another one of my endless rambles

I'll let you know what I find out

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (5) | Permalink

JUNE 7TH

May 24, 2011 07:30pm (EST)

Well, I finally did it. I called my OB and made an appointment for Dennis to get his 'swimmers' checked. We have to have an appointment together first. I'm supposed to bring in all my charts that I've done since September (When we originally started trying). I went back to my computer to print out all my saved charts, and nothing. Nothing came up. I clicked on it and nothing. I managed to pull up a blank calendar page though. Real helpful.

So I'm frantic. Searching all my files on the computer. I only printed out 2 of my charts. The rest I just saved each month. I wanted to cry. I keep hoping that they'll hold the key. I know they don't because I know that they all say that I should have gotten pregnant by now.

Last night, I tried again. An attempt to wish them back. It shows that they're saved. They're there! But I can't access them. Apparently, along with the TCOYF software that I had to buy, I also have to buy access to an online archive system, [which is apparently where the charts have been being saved to- even though they were supposed to being saved to My Documents]. So- there may be light at the end of the tunnel afterall.

It cost $29 to retreive archived data and to keep the access available. Dennis doesn't seem to understand why I'm so stressed out about it. He said if I charted everything correctly, then it shouldn't matter if I have them or not. (sometimes guys are so dumb!!).

I'm going to try buy it tonight. I'll sleep a little easier knowing that they're printed out and snug in my fertility binder. Yes. I now have one of those. A place to store all my information that I've been keeping. I thought I'd better start one since they're probably going to want that info anyways.

So my appointment is set for June 7th. We're still thinking about adoption, but for right now, I feel a little happier knowing that soon I'll be seeing my Dr. Moore. My OB- and hopefully I'll have some answers. There's still always the possiblity I can get pregnant this cycle. I'd be about 7-8 dpo by the time I see Dr. Moore. Too bad that's too early for a blood test... that would be awesome!

Anyhow. My outlook is somewhat looking up because I feel like I'm finally taking back some kind of control-even if it is only a little sliver! The thought that maybe I'll have answers soon definately puts a smile on my face. Good luck to all you hopeful ladies out there. I can say this is definately one of the most stressful processes I've had to go through... and I'm hoping it ends soon for us all

**Think***Happy***Thoughts***

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (3) | Permalink

A HARD DECISION...

May 17, 2011 07:25pm (EST)

So yeterday after my post about the BFN, and then getting my AF, I went to my mom's house to pick up Kaitlyn and one of the other daycare parents (whom I've known for a long time) announces that she's 8 weeks pregnant. It broke my heart. I'm so sick of this feeling of being broken.

So when I went to pick up my husband in VA Beach yesterday, I had a little heart to heart with him. I told him everything. All my feelings of being angry with God and frustrated with my body. I told him we needed to get tested just to see what's up because I can't take all this charting and praying every month and still have the big negative. I told him it's driving me crazy. If he has some kind of sperm issue (since he has low T), I can deal with that. I just want to know so I can stop blaming myself.

At first he seemed a little offended. He couldn't understand what was so bad about the life we already have. We live in a nice house, we have each other and Kaitlyn, and go on vacations out of the country about once a year. Our life is pretty good.

As we talked more about it, he brought some other things to my attention. What about my pregnancy issues? I do have a 50/50 chance to have a normal pregnancy, but that also means I have a 50% chance that things won't go well. I think all this time I've kinda 'glorified' my situation with Kaitlyn. Not really glorified, but everything worked out fine in the end. I think if I had another one, I can do that. I know what to expect. But really, it can happen any time. They've already told me that they'll induce labor even if the baby isn't far along enough to survive.

Maybe I'm being spared from some kind of unimaginable heartbreak. I'd hate to think that God's trying to spare me and I'm trying to force it anyways. So, Dennis is starting to think adoption. I have been told different ideas as to whether or not I should get pregnant again or not. It's just too hard for me to accept at this time that I'm meant to only have one child. Ever since I can remember, I've dreamed of having 3.

Adoption. Every time I mention this idea to anyone, my eyes start swelling up with tears. It's just so hard to accept that this may be my fate. Not that there is anything wrong with it- because i think it's wonderful- I just don't want to go that direction because I HAVE to. We've always talked about adopting to 'give back', not to 'get.'

This is the big decision that we're facing... and praying about. I feel like maybe it IS the answer. I just don't like feeling like I'm giving up. I've got some time to think about it. Right now, though, my husband is seriously headed that direction. I guess time will tell

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (3) | Permalink

BFN

May 16, 2011 07:11pm (EST)

Again. It seems like the time in between finding out I'm not pregant just keeps getting longer and longer. My chart this month was at least easy to follow. It wasn't all over the place, but unfortunately my temps dropped this morning, which was followed by AF. I was so sure that this was going to be the month. Everything added up perfectly. I know it says that even if the egg does get fertilized, you only have like a 25% chance of implantation. I think statistically it should have landed in my favor by now. So here I am, beginning cycle month 9.

I've gotten to the point where I'm bitter. Like before I was kinda angry, and questioning, "why".. but now I've reach the point of just being pissed off with God- and I'm not comfortable with that. I feel like my prayers are not being answered (or at least not how I feel they should be). I pray every day that I will have another baby. Everyday. And after I've ovulated I pray every day, several times a day for Him to see fit to create a new life. And everymonth I get nothing. Nothing but disapointment.

I'm really struggling right now. I grew up in church. I have a relationship with God... and yet I don't understand why this is happening (or in my case, not happening) right now. I understand that God's timing is perfect, but I just don't understand if it's not the right time, why doesn't He just take this desire from me? Make me not want it so bad. Like I said, it's a struggle I'm having...

I'm going to try call and find a place for my hubby to get his swimmers checked. Just to make sure they're doing their job. Then it will be my turn. I never in a million years dreamed I'd be at this crossroads... unable to conceive....struggling so hard to keep it together when all I want to do is cry.

I feel like a failure. It's like my body is fighting against me. I don't understand why it refuses to do the one thing it was meant to do. There are so many awful, unfit baby machines out there... *sigh* Here I go again. This is the song that seems to play in a continuous loop in my head.

I'm going to try not to think about it too much. I'm going to try to focus on what I do have. What I'm so thankful for. I should feel especially blessed that I DO have Kaitlyn. Who knew it'd be so hard to get pregnant the second time around??!! Maybe I should put some time and focus on getting myself in the most awesome shape ever... maybe that will help. Aaaaahhhh.... It's so depressing.

Posted by *fingers crossed* | Comments: (7) | Permalink

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