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OUR BLUEBERRY
Akeelah's Mommy |
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WHAT IS THAT?
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May 03, 2012 07:51pm (EST)
At yesterday's appointment we got all relatively good news, which is that everything is the same. The BP meds are keeping my BP stable in the 130s/70s. My protein has now been basically the same for about a month- 400. So this could be 'just' a case of chronic hypertension. Ya know, still not stellar, woo hoo news, but a whole heck of a lot better than pre-eclampsia. And I thought I would feel much more ease, but I have this underlying sense of unease that I can't quite put my finger on.
It started Monday afternoon... and just seems to linger in my mind that something is off. And I can't quite untangle it from an actual mommy instinct or the fact that we're going into that time of year during Akeelah's pregnancy... and am a similar gestation with the Newbie... when things actually were really off and nothing was being done. And of course since Monday I've had some of my worst BP days and extra swelling... which of course is all normal pregnancy stuff unless it's not.
But the appointment was good... baby looked good... no protein on the dip. So what is it and why can't it be clearer. I think I'm due for a head check and am very thankful next week we see our Psych along with our 28 week scan and consult with an MFM... that could be it too... knowing I'll be seeing all new folks there... I dunno, just wish it would go away. At least it's not dampening our excitement... just a total emotional drag.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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WHAT HAPPENED?
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Apr 30, 2012 07:22pm (EST)
This morning while I was blow drying my hair (I know!?), Micah was off playing happily. He walked into his room carrying Akeelah's bear like a baby and told me "Baby tired" and proceeded to put the bear in his room and then gingerly shut the door creeping on his toes saying "Shhh, baby sleeping" then going about his business. A minute or two later he came back, went into his room to grab the bear. I could hear him in his room, "It's ok baby. It's ok." Then he came out holding her bear very gently and said, "Baby sad." He gave me the bear to console and asked, "What happened Mommy, what happened?"
Just knock me down. Now I know he's not actually asking what happened, when he's sad we ask him "What happened?" So he's just naturally acting out something he's familiar with.
But one day that question will be real.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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LITTLE VOICE
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Apr 25, 2012 06:19am (EST)
Wow, when I popped over to my blog I had almost forgotten about that last entry... gotta love how the mind protects itself from itself. Anyhoo...
Micah is quite the lil' talker. I mean, really. Kid is wrackin' up 6 word sentences, and his voice is so little and so sweet (most of the time). Lately I've been reminding myself to slow down and take in these small sweet conversations. Most times I feel I have to pinch myself that it's actually happening. Especially when I think back to how unsure I was that I could ever love him as much or the same as I loved/love Akeelah.
I love listening to his conversations with himself or with his animals, or sing and act out songs from music. It's all so amazing... I mean it's all so normal... but normal is amazing. He'll act out lil' scenes with his lil' animal friends, feed them when their hungry and comments on their emotional states... it's so neat to peer into his thoughts and personality. I like the kid. Oy, and the pretend Dinosaur walk the kid does complete with lil' t-rex arms and "rar rars" is hilarious.
He's picked up on Mommy's new slowness getting up and without ever being told (or any modeling from his dad!  ) he's telling me "Oh wait mommy, I help you." And then will proceed to try to push a part of me up. Lil' man around the house.
No real point to this blog, just wanted to remember this sweet lil' voice that says Mommy.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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GOOD FEELINGS GONE
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Apr 18, 2012 06:00am (EST)
I received my records from the hospital I was at, and discharged from with Akeelah. This was perhaps not my brightest idea. I can not tell you, well actually I can, I know you all understand, how very upsetting they are. What's most upsetting to me is that I know that I need to do something with my upset, but I'm not sure what. I know I can not go back in time... but to not do something to help someone else based on what is written...
How could so many supposedly smart people be so stupid.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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WAS IT WRONG TO HOPE?
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Apr 14, 2012 08:32am (EST)
I was determined to go into this last pregnancy enjoying it. I was so very very hopeful that this was it. This would our text book pregnancy. For sure whatever happened with Akeelah was a fluke, and same with Micah. Third time would be a charm. I went in feeling excited, knowing that in hindsight I regretted how far I kept Micah's pregnancy from my heart and life.
I went in with hope. Now that we've hit a bit of a tumble (could it be pre-e again?), I find myself wondering... was it wrong to have gone in with hope? Does it make this tumble more difficult because we were flying so high enjoying ourselves? Would it have been easier to cope with our tumble if I had kept my heart closed?
I've been thinking about this the past few days... and I have my answer. It was right to hope. It was right to enjoy. What would I have gained by not doing these things? Nothing. What would I have lost? Time and moments you can never ever get back.
Ok so we've hit a lil' tumble, I'm not going to let that get in the way of how far up the mountain we've come already. We've reached a point where we can tumble a little without the whole world crashing down around us.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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IF IT WAS ANYONE ELSE...
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Apr 11, 2012 12:43am (EST)
Today at my appointment, in what I'm sure was rush/stress/ran up the stairs related bp spike, my doctor said, "If it was anyone else I'd x,y,z" and then went on to share that my old (sniff sniff) MFM had called her one day after a similar spike and said the same thing, "If it was anyone else I'd x,y,z". The x,y,z being a stay in the hospital... and the conversation goes on, "but we know you, you check your bp regularly, you have a nurse at home (husband) and you'll call if something is up."
Yes. Yes I will. I will do all those things, and minus the MD after my name and fancy u/s machines, I feel quite capable of walking myself through my own pregnancies at this point. But I will do all those things now...
In 2008, I wish very much that I had presented as an idiot that couldn't be trusted with one iota of her medical care. Instead an assumption was made that I had it all together. I didn't. I didn't understand anything that was happening. I was so naive- no I was in shock. Straight up shock. I guess it was my doctors then that were naive... though they have a whole lot less excuse for their naivete. Why they couldn't see my shock... referred for a psych eval... I don't know... again. If only I had presented as an idiot.
I did get to see my MFM before he left which was very nice and ridiculously kind of him to take the time. Without my actual records we tried to go through a bit of 2008 but it was hard, and I think he wanted to try to make it better... which is impossible. I wish I could have made it clearer that it was ok, it's ok what happened, as long as going forward my story is remembered and something different happens. I trust without being so explicit that will absolutely be the case... I felt bad I couldn't relieve the pressure on him to be able to fix what happened.
I wish, and this is such a silly thing to wish, since it's one of those things that can never be changed, that Akeelah had been our 2nd or even our 3rd pregnancy, because then... with everything that happened... I could have been that patient where "If it was anyone else..." would have made perfect sense. I could have cared for us.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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ALWAYS GRIEVING OVER SOMETHING
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Mar 27, 2012 02:36am (EST)
We're 22 weeks... only 18 more to go... and I'm sad! This is it. Only 18 more weeks of this most special time in life. Seems like no matter how I slice it I always find myself grieving something. Just thinking that way and putting that down on "Share paper" reminds me that I should spend a whole lot less time worrying or missing something that hasn't even vanished yet.
These kicks right now are bittersweet. They are a physical reminder of Akeelah. If I want... and sometimes I do... I can imagine they are her. They feel the same and sometimes my brain is none the wiser. When this is all over, I'll never again feel literally what it was like to have her with us. It's a hard thing to let go of and yet it's time.
So far things with this pregnancy are going well. We had those few bp spikes, but otherwise things are back down to normal.... and hopefully they will stay that way. I randomly found myself looking through old pictures from just before and when Micah was born. I saw a picture I took of our bp monitor right before I was admitted to the hospital, it was 178/91... that was at 36 weeks though. We've already had a 170 spike... but only one. So strange. Micah's pregnancy I was so worried about PTL the pre-e hit me from behind. This time around I'm not sure what to worry myself about... could I actually just try to be normal and not worry about any shoe dropping? I could... but that would be so ABnormal for me... maybe I should try it.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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THE STORM
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Mar 16, 2012 11:27pm (EST)
Let me start off by saying that baby is absolutely fine, as far as hosting the baby, I'm also fine, BP back down to "normal" levels.
In every other way I'm feel unsafe and open to the elements. Of all days... I mean of all days... all appointments... all everything. My doctor was sick (in the ER) and so obviously couldn't make my appointment. No final check on baby with eyes I trust, no answers to my records, no goodbyes. Just open doors that I was very much looking forward to shutting. Open doors which leave me open to all the elements of grief... again.
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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RANDOM TANGENTS
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Mar 05, 2012 11:13am (EST)
It's the middle of the night... should be sleeping. Since that's not happening might as well be blogging... there have been plenty of posts rattling around in this noggin' of mine.
Things have been... I don't even know... up and down. At my last appointment I got a huge shock when the blood pressure cuff started re-inflating... a sure sign that I had just failed. It was 16x/8x 10 minutes later it was 170/8x. It came as a total unwanted surprise. I felt so deflated. I really wanted this to be a normal pregnancy... my 3rd times a charm. It took all the wind out of my sails. Thankfully things seem to be leveling off and we're back down to trending in the normal range... hopefully it stays that way.
A wonderful friend of mine is 38+ weeks and just waiting around to go in labor, I found myself thinking, "That's so weird!" Really Lauren? That's pretty warped... that's how it's supposed to be! But when I think about it I get so scared... it must be so scary... and again I say, Really Lauren? It's not scary it's how most mommas do it and most are fine... leaves me wondering what the delivery of this lil' one will be...
I asked an impossible and unfair question of my doctor. Amazing as the brain power in his noggin is, no one can remember the particulars of every case almost four years ago. The next morning I got a phone call. He had felt badly about not remembering and after my appointment, which ended after 5pm, went to medical records and pulled mine, which were on microfilm to get the answer. Talk about above and beyond... I haven't a clue how I'll ever say thank you. We'll go over them at the next appointment... all part of collecting as much of our story as possible...
I think that's enough rambling for one night... come on sleep!
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Posted by Akeelah's Mommy | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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