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MADDY'S MOMMY
Jenn23 |
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MY MADDY
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Nov 14, 2011 04:26am (EST)
Hey there my sweet baby boy mommy loves you so much, I am so sorry I haven't wrote to you in almost two weeks baby, I have just been so depressed I don't want to do anything, I just lay around the house all day and just stare at the TV all night even if it isn't on... I have just had so much on my mind lately, I don't even know how we are going to continue to live here, but your daddy made a miracle yesterday at work and made rent lol yyyyaaaayyyy It was weighing heavy on my mind since we are trying to get into the housing here but if you have late rent where you are it affects you application. How stupid is that like why would I need the housing if I could pay my rent right lol... not really funny but I laugh all the time when I shouldn't, it is kind of annoying really but it is how I deal with being nervous or upset. Ya super annoying. Well to me anyways. Baby I am so sorry I haven't wrote you it was eating me up, I hate myself so much right now though and hated that I was spreading all my negativity to you, you always have to listen to me crabbin and it isn't fair. I love you Maddy baby so so much and I only wish for you, I just want to hold you one last time and look into your eyes..Just once, Oh Maddy what I wouldn't give for another chance to make things right, I blame myself for what happened to you, I was your mommy and I couldn't protect you from what my body did to us. I hate it, I should have known something was wrong, I should have just known. I feel like I failed you and Tar and Daddy, feel like I let you all down, and do everyday I am. I think most days that Daddy and Tar would be better off with out my moping butt, I know who I should be who I would be now if only you had lived baby and I look at what I have become and I hate myself for letting that happen too, even though I try with all my heart to be the person I once was I know deep down I never will be and think that maybe it would be easier for Tarquin if I just got it over with now, instead of him having to remember me, or worse, me infecting him with my sadness, I do everyday I can see it in his eyes, he is not the same baby boy he was either, I feel like I am ruining his innocence with my hate and anger... I am so angry most of the time baby, I hate the doctors and the hospital that took so long getting you out I hate the anesthesiologist for not being in the hospital when we got there I hate him for taking so long to arrive while you, my child, died... Oh Maddy I love you so so much my darling angel, mommy does not know how much longer I can put up this fight, I want to, to keep your memory alive here in our hearts and in our souls, but it is just so hard baby when my heart is broken so badly and my soul has turned so black... I am so lost and so lonely baby boy. I am not the mommy I said I would be, I am not the mother I once was, to either you or your brother and it is killing me a little bit more inside each day. I hate myself and everything I stand for. I am a shell of who I once was. I feel like when you died a huge part of me died too and I will never be that person again, and then other times I wonder why I am so angry and hateful when I have a wonderful little boy that I can hold and hug and a very loving husband, that will never leave me no matter how much we hate each other lol... but sometimes it is not enough, I guess I am still just selfish in the end and want you to Maddy... I was going to get my tubes tied after I had you. You completed our family Maddy, my boys all I ever wanted was two boys and a husband, my dream family, before you were born I was in bliss, I mean ecstatic, nothing could bring me down, NOTHING, and I mean nothing not a bad day at work not owing months of rent not my car breaking nothing finally I was happy and life made sense... and then it happened, that horrible tragic night in that terrible storm, I am sure now the heavens had opened up and they all were crying for you baby, the loss of such a beautiful soul... I love you my Maddy, my baby love, I miss you more than you will ever know, I am sorry again I haven't wrote you, this is the longest I have ever went without doing so, and boy did it bug me, I just kept falling asleep at night and days are so hard to get a moment to write to you the way I want to.. Oh baby I love you and I hope to see you again baby boy... I am still so confused about all that and God and stuff, but I know now that he is there and watching over you for me til we can be together again. I love you baby boy, I am going to go chill with your daddy for a bit and try to enjoy the rest of our Sunday.... I miss you so baby boy, Good Night my sweet baby boy, I love you so much and I will try and write you more tomorrow. Good night for now my darling angel, I love you Maddox Decimus!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (10) | Permalink
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TO MADDY
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Oct 30, 2011 06:54pm (EST)
Hey there my beautiful boy, mommy loves you so much my little one. I think about you most of the time and always miss you so much, I started this not last night but the night before lol I have just been so tired and depressed lately baby boy. I have been so lost and confused lately, I just don't know what to do anymore, I am going to save this and write later, it is Sunday and Daddy and Poo want me to play with them but I wanted to stop and tell you how much we love you our darling angel. I will write you later my sweet boy, mommy loves you Maddy!! XOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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MY MADDY
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Oct 28, 2011 05:29am (EST)
My beautiful boy, mommy has been thinking about you all day, I miss you so much my darling angel and I love you beyond all measure... I have not been doing well baby, we are not doing well. It seems just as we get on our feet, they get swept out from under us again, never really getting a chance to take a step. I just don't know how much more I can handle, how much longer I can fight Maddy, I want to and I know I promised, but life is just so hard... I want Tar to have a mommy but what if he would be better off without me... have a good life. Not a mommy who cant stop crying.. I hate it but everything in my life is just so messed up and I just don't see it getting any better anytime soon. I cant find work and I cant pay my bills, we are going to be homeless again in a month since I cant pay my rent on the eleventh with nothing.. which is what I have saved for it, that and I haven't even payed my electric which is going to be shut off soon. Or my car ins. How the heck are we supposed to live, gas is four dollars a gallon, so is milk I work for min wage, one hour of work and I can buy either one, not both, so you buy the gas so you can get back to work the next day... and so on, never getting the milk you and your children need...I hate it, it is impossible... and the govt wonders why there is so much crime, desperate people do dumb stupid things, which I am about to do... I hate that I cant even take my son to the movies, or the arcade, or even a new winter jacket, his still fits but just barely... not going to all winter I know that. I just don't know how much more I can take. I cannot do this over and over and over.... I really wish my husband had a steady income, not this up and down stuff, summers are good but we used all the income this summer finding a new home and putting the Blazer back on the road, and fixing it. And for what, to have to take it off the road because I cant afford the ins. I try so hard every day and it gets me nowhere. Every time I get ahead something happens and knocks us right back down again, why is life so unfair... Why cant I get any help from Social Services, oh ya because we do try and we do work. I just don't get it. We make just barely enough to feed ourselves, how the heck am I supposed to afford a house, clothes, soap, just general stuff that you need, even if I do get a job I will have to pay a babysitter to watch my son, to raise my son, while I make enough to pay them. I just don't get it, man I cannot believe they Impeached Clinton, the only president to actually get the country out of debt, and why, over morals, LOL come on, like anyone has any morals left anymore, they just want you to think that they do. I mean I do and the average person does, but an elected govt official fff please. I am just so lost I don't know what to do, how to go on, doesn't life ever get any better, isn't there more to life than this. I haven't even had a vacation since I lived with my parents, sixteen years ago...Just work and grind. No fun, nothing. I hate it. I just cant keep up anymore, why work my butt off to be poor, every time I get ahead, either my car breaks down, or I lose my job or the Tattoos just stop, the list goes on and on, when we lost you baby, it really put us behind and we just haven't been able to catch up and I haven't been able to deal with your loss either. I lost my job, because I couldn't keep my mouth shut... basically lol... and I am losing myself more and more each day... I am becoming someone I hate. I don't know how long I can go on with this anger in my heart. My anger at the Dr. at the hospital, at the world. I just am soo angry I couldn't have you in my arms to hold and watch grow old... I am like a spoiled child, throwing horrible temper tantrum because someone took my blanket... kind of like poo did the other day. lol. I wish I could control my anger, but I cant, I am in a rage over you baby, I miss you so much and it is just so sad without you. I love you so much my little Maddox it just hurts so bad and I turn all that pain and fear and sadness into anger because it is the only thing I can do without letting it destroy me. I love you so deeply Maddox and I would do anything for you, anything to help you, but I couldn't help you, I didn't save you, I failed. I am so so sorry Maddox. I always will be and I will always always love you my littlest man. I hold you here with me though in a special place right in my heart, inside where you are protected from all the anger and hate and hurt and sadness, inside where there was joy and happiness once... Oh Maddy my baby I love you so much my darling little angel I miss you more than anything else in this whole entire world. I have never before felt any level of pain close to this, never been so sad or so lost before. Never knew such pain existed. I have never known a loss like this either. You were just beginning your beautiful life. Such a tragedy. It really is. Just a newborn baby beginning his life, never even got to see his Mommy or his Daddy, or his big brother... Oh Maddy he loves you very much and he will always know how very special you are to us. That you are his baby brother that is waiting for him in heaven when he goes. I love you so much Maddy, I had better go to bed soon, I have to stop this whirlwind somehow. I can not stop worrying, see now I'm worrying about worrying lol No but really I am a mess baby, I just need some time to think and it seems like the days are flying by one day melts into the other and the next thing I know it is weeks, months later. I just don't belong anywhere anymore. I feel like a feather in the wind that has come off its duck, lost its home... and so much more. It feels so cold and lonely sometimes and has no shelter. Even though it is waterproof that will fade over time and it will wither away, no longer needed. I love you Maddy, I am going to try and relax a bit. Good Night my little champ. I love you so much my sweet baby boy. I will try and write you tomorrow my sweat pea. Good Night my Maddy I love you!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (1) | Permalink
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MY MADDY
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Oct 27, 2011 05:15pm (EST)
Hey there my beautiful boy, mommy love you so much my precious boy. I am so lucky to have known you, if only for a little while, you must be a blessed soul if God did not want to let you go. Ok so I finally have to come to the conclusion that there is a God, if there wasn't it would mean that I never can see you again, so that alone is good enough for me... But there is so much more that if you listen and pay attention that you will find... He may not always give you what you want but he does find a way to give you what you need, even if he didn't give me you, maybe he desired something different and who am I to judge. I just miss you so much Maddy, that it is hard not to be mad at him sometimes. I still cant understand why he took my son, my child, my baby boy, that was so loved and so wanted. Why not some Junkies baby or some crackheads whose baby would have been all messed up anyways... I know that is mean but if I could trade places with someone else, I would... I know it is not right to wish this pain on anyone, but if it meant I could have my son back I don't think I would care if some crackhead lost there baby that is addicted to crack.. I know I am mean, but I cant help how I feel. Especially when I see it everyday. The heartless mothers, the sick babies... it is just so sad. I know I am not perfect but I do know a thing or two. I miss you baby more than I can ever put into words and love you endlessly my littlest man, I was thinking about maybe posting some of your pics again. Maybe my new favorite one of your brother too. I wish so much that you and him could go trick or treating together. My boys... I love you both so so much. Well I did it again my little one, I fell asleep last night and now it is tomorrow lol I will try and write you later my little sweat pea. I love you so much Maddy, I will always miss you, Good bye for now my darling angel. I love you Maddox..XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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MY MADDY
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Oct 25, 2011 09:41pm (EST)
Hey there my littlest man, mommy loves you so very much, I am not happy I keep falling asleep at night and I haven't wrote you, I don't really have time during the day to write you either so it kind of has been bothering me. I miss you so much my darling angel. And I miss writing you every day like I use to. It has been so hard since we moved though because I have switched our entire schedule around also. We use to get up around four in the afternoon, if we didn't sleep in, lol and now we get up around ten or ten thirty in the morning aghh It seems better for your brother though, he is so funny in the morning, since we don't have a couch and sleep in the living room, he comes bouncing out most of the time right in the ribs or stomach sometimes a good head shot, yup that will wake ya in a hurry, gotta love it though right lol... I do most of the time but some days I really really wish we had a couch lol. Or furniture lol. Anything would be nice. I have a box of movies a tv and a bed lol My bookshelf broke in the move and most of my other things for my living room are still packed in storage including most of Poos Books, he still seems to have a bunch too lol He has a ton of them though. I love reading with him, it is really fun. I wish I could read to you to Maddy and hold you on my lap. Oh Maddox my baby boy, I love you so much my little angel. I think about you so much and I miss you so badly baby. I fell asleep baby and never saved this so it is now the next day, but I will try and write tonight, I love you Maddox so so much, and I miss you every moment we are apart, Good bye for now my sweet pea, I love you baby boy!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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MY MADDY
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Oct 22, 2011 08:02am (EST)
Hey there my littlest man, mommy loves you so much my baby boy. I miss you more than ever. I just wanted to stop in and tell you how much I love you Maddox. I have been thinking about you most of the day, like usual when I haven't wrote you in a bit. I fell asleep the night before last, even before Tar lol I woke up to give mommy a good night kiss lol Was kind of nice for a change. And last night our power went out, Again. The third time this month. It wasn't out that long but it threw our night off a bit baby, Oh Maddy I love you so much and I miss you every second. It just hurts so much to let myself think of you as often as I do think about you. I cant take life anymore sometimes and wish I had a nice dark hole to crawl into. I am really glad I don't have to work because I cant find a job but I really need one lol. I am hoping that maybe going back to work will help me, and maybe Tarquin's behavior too, if he isn't around mom alll day...or not who knows lol I believe I will just have to wait til he outgrows it lol. I love you so much Maddy, I had better go on to bed, I can hardly keep my eyes open and my head is killing me.. at least maybe I will get some sleep tonight, doubtful though the people that live above me are pounding around and it is four o'clock in the morning..that is just ridiculous. I hate it here. I really do. I had better go to bed before I start thinking about it and ruin my night more lol. I love you sweat pea so so much and I miss you baby boy more than you will ever know. Good Night Maddy, my sweet baby love, I will write you soon, I love you Maddox Decimus!!!
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (0) | Permalink
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MY MADDY
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Oct 20, 2011 07:03am (EST)
Hey there my darling little boy, I love you so much Maddy, I think about you so much my sweet son. I haven't been feeling very well this week and have been crashing pretty early at night, I hate not writing to you though, I think that is why I have felt so bad these last couple of days, I miss you so much Maddox, I like to at least pretend that I can talk to you, my Maddy I love you so much.. I am not sure if I can keep my promise. I am so sorry baby. I just am not strong enough. I will keep trying as hard as I can though I promise you that. I will for you baby, I love you to much to let your memory die with me. I miss you so much though baby it hurts so bad when I think of what our lives could have been right now, with you in it here with us. Oh baby boy, I don't think I will ever understand why. I will never understand anything about this, it kills me, it unfathomable, just utterly inconceivable, I still cannot accept it. I am stuck in that first week where it all feels like a horrible nightmare and you just know that you are going to wake up and everything will still be ok, and I will still have you, tucked safely inside of my womb... Oh Maddy I die every time I try and accept this as my new world, this cannot have happened to my son, my baby, that I tried so hard to bring into this world, who was my entire world. That was so wanted and so loved, little Maddy...my darling angel, so beautiful, so gorgeous, every day I see your beautiful face and hope over time that that memory never fades, a fear I feel deep inside, not to be spoken of. My heart grows darker everyday we are apart, has turned black and grows hatred like a vine, anger spreads hot across the endless desert that is my world. I am lost inside of a hell I cannot face. A world out there that is no longer mine, one which I will never return to. A place as foreign to me as the happiness we all once knew. My Maddy I love you so much and I will always miss you as long as we are apart. I had better go to bed soon because you brother has been getting up really early lately for some reason. I am not quite sure why, but I am not liking it at all lol, I will write you more soon baby boy, I love you so so very much Maddox, I think about you every day and miss you terribly my littlest man. Good Night my darling angel, I love you Maddy! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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MY MADDY
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Oct 17, 2011 03:47am (EST)
Hey there my sweet boy, I am so sorry I didn't write like I said I would but if you are watching me you will know why.. I am just so stressed out lately buddy and I cant handle it. I never paid my electric bill or the rest of my rent and we have absolutely no money, I couldn't even go the the candle light vigil on Saturday like I wanted to because we have no gas.. I hate it. I think I am just going to freak out or give up one of the two.. I cant take it. Not one soul came to get Tatted last week and it is our only source of income at all, I just don't know what we are going to do... over the winter, and God Christmas is coming and Tar is not a baby anymore, so He knows... I just hope I can have a nice tree for him and stuff, he really has a ton of toys so if I can just decorate and stuff for him I think he will be happy, he likes the presents too though lol... I love you boys so so much. I think about you both every day all day long.. I guess that is what it really means to be a mommy, not just a mother... I can not believe some, how badly they take their children for granted, not knowing the pain that we, our family, knows.. Oh Maddy I miss you so much, love you more than I could ever say. I miss you so much and it hurts so bad but I am so happy to have gotten the chance to be your mommy if only for a little while here, I will see you again I just know it in my heart, I will always be your mommy even if I cant hold you in my arms, I hold you in my heart always, always and forever, until the end of time... I love you Maddy so so much, there is nothing to explain how this feels or how much it hurts. It just is. It just is... so many things, all rolled into one and it is like a giant maze and no one, not even I know how to get out, if there is a way out... a big tangled mess of emotions and fears and realizations.. I just don't know if I will ever get out.. Maybe it is my new home. I am so lost Maddox, I love you so much baby boy, my darling angel, I think I will never be the same, nor do I wish to be, but I just wish that I could hold you in my arms and hear me, telling you, that it is ok, not this, never this. Rock you and sing to you and feel you soft baby hair on my face. See your perfect little toes one more time, kiss them too, my darling angel, I love you.. always and forever. I did however, little one, light a candle for you here and placed it in the window, knowing your always with me.. I love you sweet precious baby boy, now, then and forever. You are my sweet son, I am so glad to be your Mama. I miss you my littlest man, so so much, Mommy will write you some more as soon as she can baby, I love you Maddox Decimus, Good Night sweet baby boy, I am hoping to dream sweet dreams of holding you it would be nice tonight, I love you Maddy so so so much. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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TO MADDY
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Oct 13, 2011 07:49am (EST)
Hey there my littlest man, I love you so much Maddox, I thought about you all day, It rained here all day and we stayed inside most of the day and played, I built Tar a blanket and chair fort, he really liked it, lol so I was happy that I could make his day, I let him take his money to the arcade too, but we went to the one in the bowling alley, the only one in town I think, lol Instead of going to Olean to the usual one, but he seemed to like it, he came home with like ten bouncy balls and three stickers and two dinosaurs lol for twenty dollars lol we all had a nice time though so that is all that matters I guess...I really wish that you could be here with us my sweet boy. It hurts so much that I can t ever see my boys all together, will I ever..it would be a dream come true...I dream of us like that often, and I wish I would stop sometimes because it bothers me, but in a way it comforts me too, because I can have that even if I know it is not real it feels that way at the time...I love you Maddox so so much and I will always miss you so much, It is really late though baby and I have to get up early tomorrow and go grocery shopping so we have something to eat for lunch lol... I am making Tar over easy eggs in the morning, he loves the, I am actually pretty proud of myself for being able to cook them lol. I don't cook often, eggs that's about it. Thank goodness Tar likes them, Well Maddy the job hunting didn't go so well, this is a small town and if you want a job you really have to know someone, I think I might have to try in Olean, I didn't want to have to drive though, I hate driving at night, especially after having to work all night and then it takes half hour to get home if not more...it use to take me longer though when I lived in portville, I am really sleepy baby so I think I am going to hit the hay, I love you very much my sweet baby boy, Good Night for now my darling angel, Oh how I wish I could kiss and hug you good night, tuck you in to bed and hold you. I love you so much my baby love I will write some tomorrow, Love you Maddy! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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MY MADDY
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Oct 12, 2011 05:41am (EST)
Hey there my precious baby boy, mommy loves you so much, I know I didn't write yesterday like I said I would, but it was my night to put Tar to bed and I just crashed afterwards, I haven't been sleeping well and the lady upstairs sounds like she is running a bowling alley up there. I don't know how three people can make that much noise, we are def not that loud, plus the eye Dr is downstairs and he is also my landlord so I try not to be too loud til they close up for the day. I am thoughtful though and obviously this Witch is not, they wake Tar up three or four times a night, if not more. It drives me crazy. Well I did talk my mom into coming over tomorrow to watch poo so I can go look for a job. This is a small town and I probably am a bit to late, I should have started earlier like a month ago, all the collage kids are back now and they will have snagged them all up. Damn collage kids don't they have enough of there parents money, they have to take mine too, I'm serious, it is not like they have to support themselves they just want the money for fun, well I never have any fun, I just want to live a little better, I hate it, I cant even buy myself any new clothes or get my eyebrows done or my hair cut, I look like sh*t and I hate it. Getting a job is not going to solve this either there is always something...like last week when I had to buy a battery for my car, when I am trying to pay my bills up, ya and I am not making rent either, I am eighty eight dollars short, I hate rent. I hate bills I hate this stupid apt and cannot believe I have to pay so much to live in this dive... Tar got bit by a spider twenty six times the other night on his back and belly, I have called the landlord several times about spraying, when I moved in here they said they sprayed every two weeks and I have yet to see anyone and I have been here four months.. Well Maddy I started this last night and here I am again tonight I don't know why I didn't post it I just wasn't finished talking to you I guess I love you so much my sweet baby boy. I wish so much I could hug you and kiss you and see your sweet face. I miss you more than ever I think about you so much, what should have been, what we could have had, Oh Maddy my darling angel I long to see your face and hold you once more, will you be grown when I see you or will I get to watch you grow old, will you know me, will I know you... I love you Maddy you are forever my child. I hold you in my heart, the only place I can, I think about you day and night and wish I could hold you in my arms and rock you and kiss your boos boos for you and be your mommy, I love you baby so so much, I am forever incomplete without you, It is heartache to have to live without a piece of my soul... I love you Maddox Decimus, I will write you more tomorrow, I love you so so much and I miss you as much as I can let myself without losing myself... I love you Maddy there is nothing I can say or write that can explain how I feel, so I feel like I repeat myself a lot but it is hard because that is all there is right now, the pain and misery, maybe in time I can feel differently about all of this, but not yet and maybe not ever...Oh baby boy, I love you sweetpea' I wish so much to give you a goodnight kiss and tell you that, I wouldn't have to tell you how much I miss you so much either and that would feel so great... I love you Maddy I am going to try and go to bed but I will probably just mull around for a bit and be alone... I like to be alone sometimes, I don't know, its not good for me though lol.. I will write you more tomorrow baby Good Night for now my sweet baby love, I will hold you in my heart forever. <3 I Love you Maddy!!!! <3 XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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