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MY ANGEL LOVE

Angel Love

May 2013

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NORTH OR SOUTH??

Jan 12, 2011 01:24am (EST)

This is the question....Do I live in the North or the South?? Looking at my weather lately, you'd have to wonder.

Sunday brought another arctic treat for us and with that cold, cold air came SNOW!!! Yep, this is the second time since Christmas!

Our state gets snow, but very little and it's never this early in the season.... Because of that, there are many folks scratching their heads wondering if we got transplanted to the north or something.... My friend's parents live in northern Maine and they haven't had snow to amount to anything yet....

Don't get me wrong--I'm enjoying the snow because: 1.) Watching Ansley in the snow is just fun!

2.) I get off work!!

(Tomorrow will be Day #3!!) 3.) It's just beautiful...so calm and quiet!

Along with the enjoyment comes a lot of time to think. Sounds like a blessing, but sometimes it can be hard to have extra time on your hands. I'm sure that there are some of you who want to knock me over the head because I've said this, but I'm just doing what I know to do, and get you guys in on my thoughts.

I think of where I've come from and where I am now. Yes, I've "survived" it, but what do I have to show for it? For everything I've "survived", I've had something taken away. I find myself looking for what to look forward to, and I can't find anything... I see myself years from now still hanging out on this couch watching TV and checking in on my Share friends.

Yes, the snow is beautiful, my daughter is beautiful, and the days off are wonderful, but I need something else. I'm just tired of being tired, ya know?

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Posted by Angel Love | Comments: (5) | Permalink

LOOKING BACK

Jan 04, 2011 03:13am (EST)

Looking back....I've focused on a lot of negative things that have happened to me, and not a lot on the positive things.

-- My 27 weeker only visited the dr. in 2010 for her 7 year well check!

-- I found the courage to start my Master's courses after 13 years in "the business".

-- Shareunion was in HOT-LANTA!!

-- I was able to hug some of the great women who have led me through some very difficult times (again)!!

-- Ansley was able to meet my "Share friends" for real, and I got to meet Micah!

-- I had the most AMAZING summer ever!!! One of my best friends made it super special for me, and showed me what it means when someone really cares for you!!

-- I moved into a "new-to-me" house!!

There are many more precious moments like my daughter's beautiful blue eyes shining through her new glasses, and her quiet whisper when she found out her Christmas gift was a puppy. Those times mean more to me than anyone will ever know because she's with me and I don't take that blessing lightly. All too many times I forget because I'm so caught up in what I don't have and what I long for in life, but I'm going to be sure to enjoy my time with her more in 2011 and celebrate the great moments in the end.

Posted by Angel Love | Comments: (12) | Permalink

1-1-11

Jan 01, 2011 03:09pm (EST)

Yeah....I just like saying it! 1-1-11!!!

I can't believe it's January already. A new year means a new start, right? New goals, new, new, new.... I don't know what's suppose to be happening in my life for 2011 and quite frankly, I'm scared! Everything is different for me and the goals that I was sure would be there for the new year are no longer there. So many things changed in the last few months of 2010 and the scars are still fresh. I don't want to say that there's nothing that can happen to take me down further because I'm sure that the few things that I haven't endured would meet me the next day, but I've gotten knocked down pretty far, and I hope that 2011 won't bring anything that will take me down any more.

I rang in the new year in my bed dozing as the celebration in Time Square played out on my TV. Ansley called and woke me up after 12 to tell me Happy New Year! Is it sad that my 7 year old was celebrating with friends and I wasn't??? Tibbles and I thought it best to begin our new year with plenty of sleep!

I hope that each of you have mini goals that will help you to feel great for these first days of the new year. My first mini goal is to take this Christmas tree down and get it packed away....

Sounds funny, but it hasn't happened yet so it's a goal.

Posted by Angel Love | Comments: (5) | Permalink

DEEP BREATH

Dec 27, 2010 02:18am (EST)

Okay---Deep breath, I did it again! I'm talking about Christmas...I've tried explaining it to others, but they just don't get it. I'm talking about the loneliness and the extreme heartache without one of my daughters here. I know you guys get it and not only that, most of you know the additional struggles for me this year which made the excitement of Christmas a bit elusive for me.

My main goal was to make it great for Ansley. I can be sad and feel sorry for myself all I want when she's not here, but when she's here....it was my goal for Christmas joy for her.

She's always enjoyed opening one gift on Christmas Eve, and this year was no different. I was fortunate enough to be able to get her a puppy! Yes, I have a puppy to take care of now, and she was so excited that she was speechless!!!

Love it when it's that kind of surprise. Our little guy's name is Tibbles and I must say, he's a cutie! Just check him out in the pic!!

Santa brought tons and tons of things for Ansley, and my family spoiled her that much more! Christmas night, we were at a family gathering at my uncle's house which is about 30 mins. north of here. It started to snow!! Yep--SNOW--on CHRISTMAS!! (Can you tell we don't get that??) Anyway, it was sticking to everything and still snowing when we left, but was just getting started when we got home. This morning, I awoke to this phone call.....

A: "Hey Momma! It's snowing like crazy and the ground is all white!!" Me: "Wow--I'll have to look out the window and see it..." A: "Momma, Get your butt out of the bed! It's SNOWING!!"

Yeah---I love hearing her that excited, but I missed seeing her plastered against the window to watch it fall. She did come by around lunchtime for more clothes for layered warmth, but headed off again with her dad to play some more. They'd already built a snowman over 6 feet tall, and were planning on a big snowball fight.

Tomorrow most of the snow will be gone, but it was such a great Christmas surprise for everyone!! I took a couple of pics to share with those who didn't have a White Christmas...and day after!

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Posted by Angel Love | Comments: (3) | Permalink

PADDED ROOM AND HELMETS

Dec 17, 2010 02:02am (EST)

I'm not sure if the padded rooms and helmets that I mentioned in the title would be better for me and my co-workers or for the wild beasts that we teach......

Tomorrow is the last day before Christmas break and our students are outrageous!!!!!! I tell ya....if tomorrow is like today, I might become a drinker!! I understand the excitement, I'm excited too, but if some of these parents knew how their children were behaving they'd run away in shame! CHAOS!!! On top of the excitement for the holidays, they have heard the meteorologist mention snow flurries. That sends them spinning out of control because they don't understand that it's not a snow storm....it's FLURRIES! To top it off---there were NO FLURRIES at all!!!

C'mon children, we live in the south and it's only December!

Anyway....to top off an already stressful week, one of my co-workers has a sister who breeds Maltese puppies. They're snow white and adorable!!! She brought the new litter to school yesterday and my child saw them and HAD to hold them. She fell in love with these little puppies and totally doesn't understand that these are NOT giveaways. Her dad and I have talked and we might try and surprise her for Christmas with one of these puppies. She already has a cat and hopefully the two will never cross paths because the cat is much bigger!!!

What do I need with another critter to take care of??? ---but it's for my little girl!!

Posted by Angel Love | Comments: (4) | Permalink

'CAUSE I JUST DON'T WANT TO!

Dec 10, 2010 01:29am (EST)

My co-workers from my hall always get together for a Christmas party of our own. We started it two years ago with putting on comfy jammies and just hanging out together to laugh and play around. Many of them enjoy a beverage which makes things even more entertaining after a while. This year, the party was planned for tonight. I didn't want to go.... I don't really have a reason---I just don't want to. I can't focus my mind on being silly and relaxing with friends when I have so many things and emotions running through my head. I thought that this move was suppose to take most of these feelings away....

It did take away the wondering when and how Ansley would react, but it didn't take away my broken heart and the emotions that go along with that. I want to have my walls surrounding me again, but I can't seem to get them high enough to block out the hurt. I want to stay in bed as much as possible, but I can't do that with Ansley. How long will this hurt?? How long will I be the "target" of everything??

I hate to be the one who always posts sad things lately, but seriously, sometimes I feel like I'm going to fall apart unless I share it with someone, but you all know how anti Facebook I am...so it's not being shared there---only here where I know that I have friends who support me. Is this a preemie issue---no, but part of the reason that I love Share is that friends that I made because my daughters are preemies are friends for a lot of other reasons now.

Reframe: It's warm in my new house!!

Reframe #2: Ansley's doing great with the transition.

Posted by Angel Love | Comments: (7) | Permalink

JUST PLAIN MEAN!

Dec 06, 2010 01:45am (EST)

I have fielded tons of questions....some caring and others very insensitive through the years since I said "goodbye" to Taylor. Through these years, I've done well with some and not so well with others, but as an adult, I would be okay.

A few weeks ago, while I was at choir practice Ansley was playing with some other girls in the nursery. The other girls are in 5th grade so everyone was old enough to play without an adult in the room, and I was one room away if she needed me. Anyway, here is the conversation that went on in that nursery:

Sarcastic Girl: "So, Ansley, I guess you are lonely." Ansley: "What??" Sarcastic Girl: "Because you don't have any brothers or sisters." Ansley: "I DO have a sister! She's in Heaven." (and continues with her activity) Sweet Girl: "That was really rude of you to say that to her, knowing that she does have a twin sister."

Ansley wasn't bothered by this at all, but another adult overheard the whole conversation and was about to step in to settle the matter with the first girl, when the second girl stepped up to straighten out the first. This adult is the one who told me about the situation. Obviously, it didn't bother Ansley at all, or she would've told me about it herself.

The more I thought about it, the more I felt the anger welling up inside of me. If I had chosen to wait to tell Ansley about her sister, then this child would've opened a door that I wanted to remain closed until she was older. Don't get me wrong...Ansley has known about Taylor since the day she was born, but what if....??? That's not anyone else's business to tell my daughter!

The other thing that bothers me is that one of my very good friends has a daughter who is 12 and was good friends with "Sarcastic Girl's" sister. "WAS" is the key word. She had to end the friendship and go to another church because of how rude and mean the sister was to her. At what point do you bring this to the attention of the parent?? Kids are cruel, believe me, I know, but good grief!!! Anyway, I can take the punches and believe me, I have, but don't EVER mess with my baby!!!!

**On a side note, the family had the services for their son on yesterday. This begins their healing process. Please continue to pray for them as many of you know how difficult that is, especially close to the holidays.

Posted by Angel Love | Comments: (7) | Permalink

RAMBLES....AGAIN

Dec 03, 2010 03:04am (EST)

First off, I need to give a shout out to the heating and air crew who quickly installed my NEW HEATER!!! Yep---it's nice and toasty in my house now that I have the new heater! Along with the heater was a new air conditioner....um, yeah---only needed that by April or May, but it's here in case anyone gets too hot.

Secondly, I'm shouting out to AT&T for hooking a sister up with INTERNET!!! I'm telling you sneaking 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there of Share time was brutal! The sad thing is that I'm not on nearly as much as I use to be, but I'm still on "that" much!! Transition for the girl is going okay. She is handling it nicely! Hopefully this will continue as we settle into our "new new normal".

(By the way---I'm tired of new normals if anyone is wondering. I would love one more, but it's a good news one and that'll be enough.) Now, for a rambling that's a bit more serious. One thing about a small town is that Facebook or not, you know the latest and greatest of everyone. (Hence the fact, I'm not on FB.) Anyway, this past weekend I was told about a tragedy that struck an aquaintance's family. His son, age 15, was riding a dirt bike and a deer ran out in front of him causing him to wreck. The boy was not wearing a helmet. Early this morning, he died due to the brain injuries that were sustained in the accident. I know that the family is devestated....the whole town mourns because we all "know" this family. His parents work for the school system...he played football, and in a small town, that means you're known. As I think about what they must be going through, I wonder about the same conversation that Yolanda and I had at Shareunion. Is it "easier" to lose your child at birth or to have that child with you for an amount of time, and then have to say goodbye??? I have very few memories of Taylor while she was alive. The circumstances surrounding her birth and death didn't allow me to be in the same hospital with her, however Yolanda enjoyed 3 years of that amazing smile, laughter, and antics before having to say goodbye. She holds many memories....many memories to long for. I hold many unknowns....many unknowns that I long for. We both dearly miss our children and I guess there isn't a real answer to this question. I know that no parent should have to bury their child. I know that many of us have and feel the pain that is experienced by other families who have to go through all of this. I hope that through this tragedy that other kids in our area will know that they're not invincible, and that they don't know what's going to happen and when. I also hope that parents will see the same thing and protect their children as best they can in everything. I also hope that both groups will learn to cherish one another and never forget to say "I love you" because it may be the last time you have that chance.

Posted by Angel Love | Comments: (6) | Permalink

SPEED BUMP

Nov 27, 2010 02:21am (EST)

I've spent many days and nights planning on the day that I would finally move to my new house. I knew that it would be a ton of work to get to that day, but it seems that everything that could've gone wrong did. Things that we thought were fine---needed to be replaced.

Finally on Wednesday, we finally got to sleep there only to be awakened at midnight by a really loud boom! Yep....in a granite town, that wouldn't be a scary thing---during the day, but at midnight, NOT GOOD! I finally figured out that it was the central heating unit located underneath the house. I turned the heat off and talked to my parents about it on yesterday. Last night we slept there with no heat on. It wasn't a big deal because our temps haven't been too cold lately. Well....wouldn't you know that when the heater man came today, the WHOLE thing has to be replaced. It won't happen until Monday, and now that the front has passed, the temps are dropping pretty quickly....

What does this mean for us??? Roommate has roommates for at least one night. I can not do anything normal!!!!!! Thankfully, the roommate will be out of town for the weekend so I don't to share air, but I do have internet here.

I'm tired......it's one thing after another all the time. I really was hoping that this week would be relaxing and that I could get a lot of things done. Um yeah......I'm too tired to be disappointed.

Posted by Angel Love | Comments: (8) | Permalink

MOTIVATION...OR LACK THERE OF

Nov 19, 2010 01:35am (EST)

I'm not sure that this post has much of a purpose....(surprise!) I just have stuff rattling around in my head that I don't know what to do with.

Before I had children, I was very motivated to keep myself healthy, to exercise daily, and to make sure that I kept a positive outlook on things. I felt so much better when I did and I know that without question, but somehow now....I just can't do it. I get up and go to work, come home and do as little as possible.

Before, I had things to look forward to....being a mom, being loved and cherished for the rest of my life by the man I love, and doing all the things that families do. I looked forward to holidays...especially Christmas....and vacations. I looked forward to taking tons and tons of pictures to document every move and putting them into scrapbooks. I looked forward to calling friends and going out together with their families and letting our children play.

Somehow each and every one of those dreams have slowly slipped away... Even the toned, healthy body is not there anymore. How can I get that motivation back? How can I look forward without remembering what's happened in the past? I realize that my love for Taylor will forever be in my heart and mind, and I'm not looking for that to disappear in any way, but how can I regain the motivation that I once had and the zest for life that kept me smiling no matter what? I need that for Ansley.

Like I said, there are no true answers to this scattered post, but I needed to get my thoughts out and hopefully some of the wisdom that I've learned from for years will help me understand how to dream again.

Posted by Angel Love | Comments: (9) | Permalink

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