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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(1 member)
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somebrokenje…6 |
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PADMA KAILYN
sdherpal |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
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EMOTIONS
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Nov 09, 2011 11:25pm (EST)
I feel like I have been violated with my emotions and the way I am grieving. I thought I was able to be safe with my thoughts and my emotions with my blog entries, as they represent my thoughts at the time I write them....Unfortunately there is negativity in this world that does not understand that I am the one who is hurt and that if I write about my emotions its about me and how hurt I am at that moment in time. It is not about anyone else but how I feel.
It is unfortunate that people who are not members of this wonderful site that is for mothers and fathers who are grieving the loss of a child feel that they have a right to comment on the entries that are posted even though they will never know that this site is used as a healing tool.
The fact that someone would ever DEVALUE my little girls life by saying she lived for a certain amount of days does not make any sense. Padma lived and she impacted many lives that met her.
Those that want to tell me to "be strong" I am strong. I am strong enough to go back to my daughters birth hospital and donate my time and effort to the place that was home for her. I am strong because I have had to deal with insensitive people that want me to act a certain way because they are to damn scared to accept that my daughters death is real just like an elderly person dying, she was here and lived and she was amazing.
Being insensitive to perinatal loss is disgusting and I really hope for those that are ignorant, grow up.
What seperates us from animals is our ability to feel and experience emotions. I am not going to shut the book on my grief over my first born daughter. For those that really know me such as the NICU staff and my friends they have been there for me in ways that no one else can be because they all know the truth about grief and how POWERFUL and SCARY it can be.
If anyone, aside from the amazing women on this site , have an issue with my grief and the way I am handling it maybe you should go see an therapist and deal with your own issues.
I will continue to write because I need to in order to heal...to bad not everyone understands that.
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Posted by sdherpal | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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HER HOME AND THANK YOU
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Nov 04, 2011 10:18pm (EST)
Today was an emotional day as my husband and I went to Padma's home (her birth & NICU hospital) and donated the funds that we raised since our little angel went to sleep. It is truly amazing how much comfort I feel when I am there in the NICU and how much love I feel from ALL of the healthcare providers.
I felt like Padma was proud of us today and is still smiling at us because of all the work I will continue to do for the NICU.
I also want to say thank you to all of you that have been reading and posting to my blog. All of you have given me some hope that one day things will slowly get better. I truly appreciate the advice and I do not feel alone when I read what you'll have written.
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Posted by sdherpal | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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LITTLE HOLIDAYS...
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Oct 31, 2011 10:05pm (EST)
last week I was conflicted in celebrating Diwali... I honestly did not think that my grief would overcome me that day but then I remembered that I was going to teach my daughter about her culture...
then there is today, halloween, where I was going to dress my little girl up in some cute little costume because I could...
It breaks my heart to think that I cannot partake in these little events but I have to remind myself that she is my little angel and she is in a better place... just not in my arms...
I know that the calender events will keep coming and I will be reminded of things I wanted to teach my daughter about...it just sucks
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Posted by sdherpal | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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EDD
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Oct 22, 2011 05:48pm (EST)
Today was the day my little girl was supposed to arrive...
It's been a emotional day so far... we've lit a candle infront of her picture wall that I created. Yes miss Padma has her own picture wall complete with butterflies...
She would have been two months old if she was still here... I know there are going to be bad days but it just sucks altogether that everyone around us has moved on with their lives and I miss my little girl.
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Posted by sdherpal | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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ALONE
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Oct 11, 2011 03:52pm (EST)
today my husband went back to work...so for the first time since Padma went to sleep I'm alone...
It is hard because I am left alone with my thoughts...but I am finding comfort in finishing her picture wall...
Since I came back the butterfly pendant that I ordered was ready and I love it... it has her August birthstone on the body and the two antennas are her October birthstone, I don't plan on taking it off as it gives me comfort.
I hope the days continue to get better however I know there are going to be days and nights when I will cry without being able to explain my grief to anyone.
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Posted by sdherpal | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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BACK TO REALITY
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Oct 06, 2011 05:43pm (EST)
i've been away from our home for our week...
Leaving to go away was very hard as all of Padma's stuff is still here in her room. The anxiety was absolutely overwhelming.
Going to the airport the staff and customs were pleasant in regards to her urn and remains they were very respectful.
However boarding a plane with A LOT of toddlers and infants was torture....
Being away was hard but it was needed...then coming back over the border last night reality hit me and my husband like a ton of bricks. Not in regards to Padma and her passing but in regards to all the other factors such as people I want to avoid and talking to people who just don't get it and unfortunately some family...
I love being home with her stuff once again its just when I step out of the doors the reality of hiding how I really feel hurts me more
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Posted by sdherpal | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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ONE DAY AT A TIME
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Oct 04, 2011 04:27pm (EST)
am taking every day one day at a time... some days are harder than the day before...
some hours are harder than the other hours of the day...
Hopefully one day I will be able to have a good day
Hopefully the good hours will outweigh the bad ones
But right now my heart hurts more than anyone will ever know...
I miss my Padma more than ever.
It kills me to be around pregnant women or women with their infant babies... I didn't realize how fragile I am...
I want my baby girl back...
I know she's in heaven with God happy and healthy...
But it doesn't help my heart heal beacuse she's not in my arms with me.
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Posted by sdherpal | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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