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MADDY'S MOMMY

Jenn23

May 2013

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MY MADDY

Oct 22, 2011 08:02am (EST)

Hey there my littlest man, mommy loves you so much my baby boy. I miss you more than ever. I just wanted to stop in and tell you how much I love you Maddox. I have been thinking about you most of the day, like usual when I haven't wrote you in a bit. I fell asleep the night before last, even before Tar lol I woke up to give mommy a good night kiss lol Was kind of nice for a change. And last night our power went out, Again. The third time this month. It wasn't out that long but it threw our night off a bit baby, Oh Maddy I love you so much and I miss you every second. It just hurts so much to let myself think of you as often as I do think about you. I cant take life anymore sometimes and wish I had a nice dark hole to crawl into. I am really glad I don't have to work because I cant find a job but I really need one lol. I am hoping that maybe going back to work will help me, and maybe Tarquin's behavior too, if he isn't around mom alll day...or not who knows lol I believe I will just have to wait til he outgrows it lol. I love you so much Maddy, I had better go on to bed, I can hardly keep my eyes open and my head is killing me.. at least maybe I will get some sleep tonight, doubtful though the people that live above me are pounding around and it is four o'clock in the morning..that is just ridiculous. I hate it here. I really do. I had better go to bed before I start thinking about it and ruin my night more lol. I love you sweat pea so so much and I miss you baby boy more than you will ever know. Good Night Maddy, my sweet baby love, I will write you soon, I love you Maddox Decimus!!!

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MY MADDY

Oct 20, 2011 07:03am (EST)

Hey there my darling little boy, I love you so much Maddy, I think about you so much my sweet son. I haven't been feeling very well this week and have been crashing pretty early at night, I hate not writing to you though, I think that is why I have felt so bad these last couple of days, I miss you so much Maddox, I like to at least pretend that I can talk to you, my Maddy I love you so much.. I am not sure if I can keep my promise. I am so sorry baby. I just am not strong enough. I will keep trying as hard as I can though I promise you that. I will for you baby, I love you to much to let your memory die with me. I miss you so much though baby it hurts so bad when I think of what our lives could have been right now, with you in it here with us. Oh baby boy, I don't think I will ever understand why. I will never understand anything about this, it kills me, it unfathomable, just utterly inconceivable, I still cannot accept it. I am stuck in that first week where it all feels like a horrible nightmare and you just know that you are going to wake up and everything will still be ok, and I will still have you, tucked safely inside of my womb... Oh Maddy I die every time I try and accept this as my new world, this cannot have happened to my son, my baby, that I tried so hard to bring into this world, who was my entire world. That was so wanted and so loved, little Maddy...my darling angel, so beautiful, so gorgeous, every day I see your beautiful face and hope over time that that memory never fades, a fear I feel deep inside, not to be spoken of. My heart grows darker everyday we are apart, has turned black and grows hatred like a vine, anger spreads hot across the endless desert that is my world. I am lost inside of a hell I cannot face. A world out there that is no longer mine, one which I will never return to. A place as foreign to me as the happiness we all once knew. My Maddy I love you so much and I will always miss you as long as we are apart. I had better go to bed soon because you brother has been getting up really early lately for some reason. I am not quite sure why, but I am not liking it at all lol, I will write you more soon baby boy, I love you so so very much Maddox, I think about you every day and miss you terribly my littlest man. Good Night my darling angel, I love you Maddy! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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MY MADDY

Oct 17, 2011 03:47am (EST)

Hey there my sweet boy, I am so sorry I didn't write like I said I would but if you are watching me you will know why.. I am just so stressed out lately buddy and I cant handle it. I never paid my electric bill or the rest of my rent and we have absolutely no money, I couldn't even go the the candle light vigil on Saturday like I wanted to because we have no gas.. I hate it. I think I am just going to freak out or give up one of the two.. I cant take it. Not one soul came to get Tatted last week and it is our only source of income at all, I just don't know what we are going to do... over the winter, and God Christmas is coming and Tar is not a baby anymore, so He knows... I just hope I can have a nice tree for him and stuff, he really has a ton of toys so if I can just decorate and stuff for him I think he will be happy, he likes the presents too though lol... I love you boys so so much. I think about you both every day all day long.. I guess that is what it really means to be a mommy, not just a mother... I can not believe some, how badly they take their children for granted, not knowing the pain that we, our family, knows.. Oh Maddy I miss you so much, love you more than I could ever say. I miss you so much and it hurts so bad but I am so happy to have gotten the chance to be your mommy if only for a little while here, I will see you again I just know it in my heart, I will always be your mommy even if I cant hold you in my arms, I hold you in my heart always, always and forever, until the end of time... I love you Maddy so so much, there is nothing to explain how this feels or how much it hurts. It just is. It just is... so many things, all rolled into one and it is like a giant maze and no one, not even I know how to get out, if there is a way out... a big tangled mess of emotions and fears and realizations.. I just don't know if I will ever get out.. Maybe it is my new home. I am so lost Maddox, I love you so much baby boy, my darling angel, I think I will never be the same, nor do I wish to be, but I just wish that I could hold you in my arms and hear me, telling you, that it is ok, not this, never this. Rock you and sing to you and feel you soft baby hair on my face. See your perfect little toes one more time, kiss them too, my darling angel, I love you.. always and forever. I did however, little one, light a candle for you here and placed it in the window, knowing your always with me.. I love you sweet precious baby boy, now, then and forever. You are my sweet son, I am so glad to be your Mama. I miss you my littlest man, so so much, Mommy will write you some more as soon as she can baby, I love you Maddox Decimus, Good Night sweet baby boy, I am hoping to dream sweet dreams of holding you it would be nice tonight, I love you Maddy so so so much. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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TO MADDY

Oct 13, 2011 07:49am (EST)

Hey there my littlest man, I love you so much Maddox, I thought about you all day, It rained here all day and we stayed inside most of the day and played, I built Tar a blanket and chair fort, he really liked it, lol so I was happy that I could make his day, I let him take his money to the arcade too, but we went to the one in the bowling alley, the only one in town I think, lol Instead of going to Olean to the usual one, but he seemed to like it, he came home with like ten bouncy balls and three stickers and two dinosaurs lol for twenty dollars lol we all had a nice time though so that is all that matters I guess...I really wish that you could be here with us my sweet boy. It hurts so much that I can t ever see my boys all together, will I ever..it would be a dream come true...I dream of us like that often, and I wish I would stop sometimes because it bothers me, but in a way it comforts me too, because I can have that even if I know it is not real it feels that way at the time...I love you Maddox so so much and I will always miss you so much, It is really late though baby and I have to get up early tomorrow and go grocery shopping so we have something to eat for lunch lol... I am making Tar over easy eggs in the morning, he loves the, I am actually pretty proud of myself for being able to cook them lol. I don't cook often, eggs that's about it. Thank goodness Tar likes them, Well Maddy the job hunting didn't go so well, this is a small town and if you want a job you really have to know someone, I think I might have to try in Olean, I didn't want to have to drive though, I hate driving at night, especially after having to work all night and then it takes half hour to get home if not more...it use to take me longer though when I lived in portville, I am really sleepy baby so I think I am going to hit the hay, I love you very much my sweet baby boy, Good Night for now my darling angel, Oh how I wish I could kiss and hug you good night, tuck you in to bed and hold you. I love you so much my baby love I will write some tomorrow, Love you Maddy! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Oct 12, 2011 05:41am (EST)

Hey there my precious baby boy, mommy loves you so much, I know I didn't write yesterday like I said I would, but it was my night to put Tar to bed and I just crashed afterwards, I haven't been sleeping well and the lady upstairs sounds like she is running a bowling alley up there. I don't know how three people can make that much noise, we are def not that loud, plus the eye Dr is downstairs and he is also my landlord so I try not to be too loud til they close up for the day. I am thoughtful though and obviously this Witch is not, they wake Tar up three or four times a night, if not more. It drives me crazy. Well I did talk my mom into coming over tomorrow to watch poo so I can go look for a job. This is a small town and I probably am a bit to late, I should have started earlier like a month ago, all the collage kids are back now and they will have snagged them all up. Damn collage kids don't they have enough of there parents money, they have to take mine too, I'm serious, it is not like they have to support themselves they just want the money for fun, well I never have any fun, I just want to live a little better, I hate it, I cant even buy myself any new clothes or get my eyebrows done or my hair cut, I look like sh*t and I hate it. Getting a job is not going to solve this either there is always something...like last week when I had to buy a battery for my car, when I am trying to pay my bills up, ya and I am not making rent either, I am eighty eight dollars short, I hate rent. I hate bills I hate this stupid apt and cannot believe I have to pay so much to live in this dive... Tar got bit by a spider twenty six times the other night on his back and belly, I have called the landlord several times about spraying, when I moved in here they said they sprayed every two weeks and I have yet to see anyone and I have been here four months.. Well Maddy I started this last night and here I am again tonight I don't know why I didn't post it I just wasn't finished talking to you I guess I love you so much my sweet baby boy. I wish so much I could hug you and kiss you and see your sweet face. I miss you more than ever I think about you so much, what should have been, what we could have had, Oh Maddy my darling angel I long to see your face and hold you once more, will you be grown when I see you or will I get to watch you grow old, will you know me, will I know you... I love you Maddy you are forever my child. I hold you in my heart, the only place I can, I think about you day and night and wish I could hold you in my arms and rock you and kiss your boos boos for you and be your mommy, I love you baby so so much, I am forever incomplete without you, It is heartache to have to live without a piece of my soul... I love you Maddox Decimus, I will write you more tomorrow, I love you so so much and I miss you as much as I can let myself without losing myself... I love you Maddy there is nothing I can say or write that can explain how I feel, so I feel like I repeat myself a lot but it is hard because that is all there is right now, the pain and misery, maybe in time I can feel differently about all of this, but not yet and maybe not ever...Oh baby boy, I love you sweetpea' I wish so much to give you a goodnight kiss and tell you that, I wouldn't have to tell you how much I miss you so much either and that would feel so great... I love you Maddy I am going to try and go to bed but I will probably just mull around for a bit and be alone... I like to be alone sometimes, I don't know, its not good for me though lol.. I will write you more tomorrow baby Good Night for now my sweet baby love, I will hold you in my heart forever. <3 I Love you Maddy!!!! <3 XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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MY MADDY

Oct 09, 2011 07:34am (EST)

Hey there my sweet boy, I love you Maddox so so much, I have been thinking about you for days even though I haven't wrote you, I miss you so much baby. I just don't know how I am going to make it all these years without you, one year was enough. I hated this year, it was the worst year I have ever had, even worse than the year I got a DVT in my Subclavien vein and had two miscarriages...that was the second worse year of my life and was almost eight years ago...this year however I lost you baby almost full term and lost my job my home and almost lost myself along the way, I am still not sure if I am really found lol. Some days I feel like I just want to die and other days I feel like just maybe I can go on. Life will never be the same without you baby and I am starting to worry about your brother, what if I cant find that joy in life, what if I am ruining him....I am so sad all the time and hopeless, I don't want him to be like that. I want him to be happy and laugh and have fun, not mimic me, but he will if I cant change, I pretend for him, but is that enough... I don't think it is. I hate it, I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate life and I just cant make myself be happy, no matter how much I would like to be. I sound like a selfish sobby self loathing snob who feels sorry for myself, but I don't, I am truly worried about my son. I don't know what to do anymore, I am so ruined. I am not the mother I should be or that I use to be. I feel like I failed the day I lost you and there is nothing I can do to make it better. I will never be that girl anymore, I lost her somewhere along the way and only her shell remains. She is empty inside. It sounds so cliche' but it is the only way I can explain it. I am gone. Only my memories of who I once was remain. I am no one, I am nothing, I no longer exist, I just remain and go through the motions of living everyday, even though I am dead inside. Just because I don't know what else to do I go on day after day after lonely day. Without you Maddy my baby boy. I miss you so much Oh Maddox why us, why you, you were so loved, so wanted, you would have made our little family so complete and so happy, instead we have only heartbreak and misery out of what should have been one of the happiest times in our lives, raising our two wonderful boys together... now we are shattered, and I don't think Mom can fix it this time. I ran out of Duct tape baby...(I fix everything with duct tape for Tar, He thinks its great) I just don't feel like I am strong enough to do this day after day with no breaks and struggling all the way, I mean how am I supposed to afford a six hundred dollar a month apt with a car ins payment electric bill a TV bill an gas bill and all the other bills buy food and paper products and soap all on three hundred a week... How... and that is a good week....I really need to find a job but how do I do that when I live in a town where I know No one, have a three year old that is attached at the hip my husband works ten hours a day, and I have no one to watch my son even if I do get a job. How do you apply for jobs with a three year old, a very busy mischievous somewhat hyper three year old boy to boo that hasn't learned to listen yet lol. Yes he really is that bad lol. I love him to pieces and have a hard time denying him anything though, so he is a bit spoiled too... Ok you try and resist those Big Blue eyes, it is really hard, and well speaking of he just walked out of his room, I had to put him back in there lol. I totally forgot now, wow I love that boy, such a sweet sleepyness. I love you too Maddy so so much and I will write you more tomorrow. I had better try and go to sleep tonight I am starting to get really tired from not sleeping well, I love you Maddox Decimus, Good Night my darling angel. I will dream of you my baby love. Love and miss you my precious boy. Love you Maddy!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

This is your brother being Super Stuntman Pooters again, Oh I'm sorry this is Captain Austin, lol that is who he said he is. He rolled down the Dikes in the background do many times he was covered in mud, had grass all in his hair,(even after his shower) and stunk like a dead fish so bad I could hardly take it lol He loved every minute of it!!!!

Captain Austin!!!

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (4) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Oct 06, 2011 07:25am (EST)

Hey there my sweet baby boy, mommy loves you so much, I think about you all the time, I cant sleep well lately and I have been up a lot at night again, I do however remember liking the insomnia better than the dragging but now that it is back to this I think maybe I change my mind lol. I love you little buddy, I just wanted to stop in and tell you so Maddy. I took Tar fishing today and we almost caught a fish today, we just haven't had any luck at all all summer. I cant believe it. I really wish we could catch just one at least before the summer is over. I have a lot of fun fishing but it would be so much more fun if we actually caught anything. But Tar likes to throw things in the water and he likes the reeling better than the sitting lol. I don't care if that is how he wants to fish, let him. Well my littlest man I am going to go try and go to sleep but I will write you more tomorrow I love you so much my darling angel, I miss you more than you will ever know. Good Night my baby love, I love you Maddox. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Oct 05, 2011 02:49am (EST)

Good Morning my sweet boy, I love you so much Maddox, I am missing you so,I wish we had the money so I could come and see you but we are really behind again, I hate it. It makes me feel so miserable. I already feel like such a failure and now I am unemployed and there is nothing I can do to help my family. I hate that my husband has to work six days a week, up to twelve hours a day, for us just to get by, not even make money, just barely live, it is really frustrating. Who made up rent anyways lol, I hate it and I pay ninety dollars for water every month, what is that my parents pay that every three months and they live about seventeen miles away, also I have to share my water, I think it is crazy and wonder if it is even legal... I don't think it is. Well baby I started writing this this morning and now it is almost eleven at night, I had a really bad day today too. Tar just could not behave today, I am so happy it was Daddy's turn to put him to bed, because I am so tired out, and I just wanted to write to you all day and I couldn't, lol your brother thought he was one funny little dude today, and he was not lol. I thought I was going to have to spank him and I hate to. It really bothers me lol I get all sick to my stomach and stuff lol. I have tried everything with him though, he just doesn't care if he is in trouble he just wants to do whatever he wants, Hmm reminds me of someone, oh ya me lol. My mom laughs at me, the other day though she said oh honey I think you have it a lot tougher with him lol. I said You think lol. Well Maddy Daddy and I rented a movie and I am going to go and relax and watch it, but I will write you more tomorrow my sweet baby love, I miss you so much Maddox and I think about you every moment, I will be dreaming sweet dreams of you baby boy, I love you Maddox!! Good Night my darling angel, I love you so. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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MY MADDY

Oct 02, 2011 04:55am (EST)

Hey there my sweet sweet boy, I love you so much Maddox, I have been thinking a lot about you. I have been in a rotten mood all week, I am really nervous about paying all my bills, they are all due at the end of the month and my rent on the eleventh and I am freaking I have ten days to come up with three hundred more dollars and I still haven't paid my electric that was due on the thirtieth. Grrr Maddy I just don't know what to do we just cant keep up. The rent is just too high, I had a hell of a time finding this apt. though and really don't want to move again. I hate moving. I am so sick of never having any money, ever. It just is so annoying. I am still so mad at my MIL for letting us down like that when we trusted her with our lives pretty much... and she will never be trusted again, I hope to never see her meanie butt ever again lol. I told Tar what happened to his sandbox because he asked, I told him Granny Red took it, He called her a mean B word lol I told him we don't say those words, but inside I was dying laughing, haha I said she just wasn't thinking right baby maybe someday she will. We all still love you though I told him... We all still love you too Maddy and we miss you terribly. I know it is torture to live without you everyday baby. I hurt so much still. I don't ever think it will go away... I feel like it was last week, your sweet face echos in my head. I love you so much my darling angel. I only ever wanted a family to call my own to love and take care of, I never wanted anything else. I just wish I could have had you in it. It will never grow now, it saddens me more than you will ever know. I want a baby so badly, but not just a baby, I wanted you Maddy my love...I think sometimes that just maybe if I died now it would be better for everyone and my family would be better off without me, I am so miserable most of the time. I hate it. I hate myself, I feel so guilty about your loss baby and it doesn't ever go away, I feel like I failed you, your daddy and your brother all of you. I feel like you boys would have been better off if I had died that day and you had lived. I hate that I didn't. I hate that you did. I hate life and all it offers, the only thing good in it is the smile I see on your brothers face, it is the only thing that keeps me going day after day... and I see it less and less, am I making him miserable too, he plays and laughs and smiles but it seems like he knows something is not the way it should be, I feel like I am failing him as a mother, I am not the mommy I started out to be and I know this and I hate it... I hate myself for not being strong enough to change it now... I am so lost so confused and so so sad. I love you Maddy more than life itself. I want to take it all back, I want to go back and make the decision I should have made when I was asked...I am positive now I was given a choice that night...I didn't want to believe it before, because I didn't want to believe in God, I was so angry... But I believe now. Maybe that is what you came here to do, to bring me back to God, but if I told my old man that he'd think I'd really flipped my lid lol. I know though that night something touched me and gave me a choice, and I chose the one that I thought was right, but now I am doubting my choice greatly and wishing I was dead... I know it sounds weird or almost like I am crazy, but I am not, I know I am not... I am just so sad and so lonely. I hate this town and I hate my part in life, I just wish that for once I didn't have to fight every step of the way... that just maybe one day could be easy. That maybe I could get a break, just once. It seems like my whole life has been a struggle, always having to fight and struggle... I probably just sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, but if you knew me you would know what I am talking about... every time It seems I am getting ahead and life is going good BAM I get knocked down and have to start all over again. Like today with all the bills due and everything what has to happen, my Blazer has to have a new battery of course... and it has to cost almost a hundred dollars, the hundred I needed to pay for the electric and it had to be bought today because Justin need it to go out of town for a Tatt party, which he is still at and I am sitting here alone...like usual. He works so hard for us and I feel bad for him too, I know he misses us just as much but I don't know Maddy I wish I had a better attitude but I just don't and I cant. I am so sick of trying so hard and everything goes to sh** anyways. Life can change in seconds and everyone acts like they are going to live forever. I hate it. The last time I was truly happy was the day you were born, before it happened, I was so excited I was finally growing my family, and I was having another boy, just what I had wanted, I felt like life was GOOD, and it was finally going my way... I was beyond good I was ecstatic. No one or no thing could bring me down I was on top of the world. I was so so excited and I could count the days until your arrival. I had almost everything still from your brother and it was all clean and ready for you Maddox. I was crushed, my heart, my spirit and my body that night.. I still get sick when I think of it... how happy we all were and it was all taken away in series of moments... How? Why? Oh Maddy why us baby!!! I feel as though someone has put a spell on me and turned my heart to stone and it will never be normal again until we are together. I hate myself for feeling this way. I just want to die most days. I never tell anyone. I just keep living day after day hour after hour in agony. Is that a life Maddy, wouldn't my son be better off with a mommy who laughs and smiles and is truly happy, not just faking it so he wont feel bad... I know I am a horrible rotten person, I know and that is half of the reason I feel this way, Because I DO know. This move and getting fired from my job has really taken its toll on me and I just don't want to care anymore, but I do and it hurts so much, I just want to drown it all out... Somehow. I just don't know how...I wish that I had money to do something, to have a hobby, a yard to have a garden, something to focus on besides all the sadness and pain I feel. I love you Maddox so so much, I wish with all my heart that I could hold you just once more. I can still feel you in my arms, you felt so right in the crook of my arm, fit just perfectly. As I sat there and held you, I could imagine just for a second that it was all a dream...my Maddy, my sweet son, I love you more than life itself, I miss you so much my darling angel. I will always be with you Maddox Decimus, I miss you so, my Uncle Joey will be with you soon and he is a wonderful man, it is so sad, and so sad for his own family, it makes me want to cry to know what they are going through now, but he is very sick and hurting so much I just wish the best for all of them now. Oh Maddy I love you baby more than I could ever say with words. I cant wait to hold you again my baby love, I will see you one day too baby. I love you so much my precious son. I will try and write you again tomorrow baby but mommy has just been so sad lately and it hurts so much to think about everything that I have been having a hard time getting on here and writing to you, I am so sorry baby, it isn't fair to you that I am weak. I will try to be a stronger mommy for you and your brother... It is just so hard sometimes. I love you though so so much Maddy, I will just try and think of you and do what I think that you would want me to do. I will try harder I will... I love you baby boy so so much, you have taught me more than you will ever know. I had better go and try to relax before your Daddy gets home. I love you and miss you always my sweet son. Good Night my littlest man, you are forever in my heart and in my soul, every second of every day baby...XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Maddy

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Sep 30, 2011 08:19am (EST)

Hey there my sweet baby boy, mommy loves you so much, I had started writing you last night and then my computer didn't want to work and again earlier, I have been having a lot of problems with it lately, it is old I am hoping it lasts a little bit longer. I really like my laptop even though it is old. I guess I just am weird like that lol. I had fallen asleep on the bed and just woke up, actually a little while ago I woke up to your big brother crawling up into bed with me lol, I cuddled with him for a bit and took him potty and put him back to bed lol he is so cute, well baby I just wanted to say hi and tell you how much I love you baby, I will write you more tomorrow when I am more awake, I miss you always and love you so much Maddox, Good Night my darling angel, my swee'pea I love you so much baby, XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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