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MADDY'S MOMMY

Jenn23

May 2013

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MY MADDY

Aug 04, 2011 03:56am (EST)

Hey there my beautiful boy. Mommy loves you so much my darling angel. I miss you more than ever Maddy. I have not been doing very well and I fall a little deeper into this hole I have created to protect myself every day. Reality gets a little more meaningless everyday. I try so hard to be a good mom to your brother and to you but I just feel like I continue to fail you both every day. I never thought I would feel like that about my boys. I am undeserving of your love. I know now why I can never have it. I am so lost so confused Maddy, maybe someday I will find the way again. For now I just try to make it through each moment. One day at a time is to big still. I know it has been over a year baby but to me it might as well as been yesterday. The pain as sharp today as the day you were born. The day we lost you. Oh Maddy no one should have to do this why why was I chosen. What did I do. Why my baby boy. Oh Maddox all I ever wanted was you. I feel like we have always just been waiting for each other, especially when I saw your face baby, and then it, that moment that should have been a joyful reunion was taken from us and replaced with pain, just pain. Loss, Fear, Envy Anger Sadness Pain, just evil, there was not one good thing about it. Or do I think there ever will be. I don't care what anyone says, things may happen for a reason but I don't see any good reason that it had to be my son, my baby boy. There is nothing good about losing a child, he was a baby, just starting his life, a life that he will never have now. No first day of school, nothing just nothing now. My baby boy is gone, gone forever, he lives only inside of me now. I guess that is the only place he ever did live, or ever will, he was robbed of his birth, his life. He gently grazed this world with his presence and was gone like a ghost in the night. Touching so many souls and changing our lives forever. In thirty six weeks my baby lived he affected me more than any one person ever has or ever will in my life. You do though Maddy live on in all of us. We will always remember you baby, and my memory of you will never fail me. I can not wait til I can see you again my sweet boy seeing as we were robbed of our time together here on Earth we will make up for it when we are together again, I promise baby, it will not be that long. Although some days it feels like it. I love you Maddox so so much and I miss you more than ever. I don't like it in this stupid town and I am alone with Tar almost everyday from noon til midnight and I think we are going to both freak out. lol. It is hard but at least we have an apt now and we aren't living in that roach hotel lol. I am going to try and relax a little, I have not had a good day. I love you my sweet baby boy, So so much. I miss you always buddy. Good night for now my Maddy. I love you sweat pea. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Aug 03, 2011 05:17pm (EST)

Hey there my beautiful baby boy. Mommy loves you so much my darling Maddy. I miss you baby, more than ever. I know I havnt been writing but the pain that comes along with it has been too much for me to handle, that is the plain and simple honest truth. No lies for you my son. I am sorry Maddy if you have been lonely, mommy has been selfish. I am just so lost Maddox and I miss you so much and I cant even go and see you. It is breaking my heart. I am a mess yet I have to pretend every day that I am happy for your brother. I am not. I am beyond the abyss. I am gone. I am a shell of my former self, I am sleeping somewhere inside, not sure if I will ever wake from this slumber of pain. I am so lost and confused. I don't think I will ever be happy again. I just want you Maddy. I cant stop thinking about you. It has been over a year since you left me and I am still just living each day because I have to. I am done. Some days I wonder how I can go on, if there is some profound reason I am alive... and you are not. I am sinking deeper and deeper. All I wanted in this life is to have a family, I was so excited when you were growing inside of me, a woman whose dream was coming true. And now that dream is gone for me. I love you Maddox Decimus Byrd. I still think about you every day even if I don't write. I am going to start again I think, because I just feel like I let you down again. I am so sorry mommy has left you in the dark for so many days, I love you and it was wrong. I will write you later baby but I have to go now. I miss you always Maddy, my sweet sweet son. Mommy loves you always and forever my baby boy. I miss you so. Big hugs and kisses just for you my darling angel. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

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MY MADDY

Jul 27, 2011 03:16pm (EST)

Maddox you are mommy's beautiful baby boy and I love you very much. I miss you so badly. I have been thinking about you all day. I know I haven't wrote you and I have no excuse either I have a pretty steady connection. I feel bad for not writing every night like I do. It has just been so crazy around here. I have had about five minutes to think since we moved to this stupid redneck town. People actually yell things out there car window like all day and night long, they are lots of people walking around too. It is a very small town too which makes it even more odd. I don't know maybe it will grow on me. It just seems like a dirty little town with expensive parking lol. The blazer is still off the rode so it doesn't matter for now. I walk everywhere, I am really glad the stroller has a basket lol. I haven't been able to come and see you either and it is killing me. I like to spend time up there when I can baby and now I cant because I live in a town that is only half hour away. Grrr I miss that Green Machine. I wonder how it will run after sitting so long. Hopefully the tire is the only thing wrong with it and we can fix it ourselves hopefully. Since we towed it, it has had some minor problems because of it. Maddy mommy loves you so much and I have been thinking about you all day, I read this article about how they had a funeral for a baby that was aborted late term, I don't understand why or how about it and I had very mixed feelings. It made me very sad today. I thought about how beautiful you were, and how much I love you and could not even I don't know think straight lol. Well Maddy I had some friends stop by and they stayed way to late lol and I fell asleep after they left and never finished writing. I love you so much my sweet baby boy. I will try and write you more later. I miss you my darling angel. Mommy loves you so much Maddy, XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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MY MADDY

Jul 18, 2011 11:12am (EST)

Hey there my beautiful boy, I love you so much, I think about you every day, I was hoping I could go to Olean to day and see you. I miss coming to visit. Hopefully soon we will have the Blazer on the road and will be able to. Grandma Onda and Poppy have been watering your flowers for me though. Oh Maddy I miss you baby. Why cant you be here with us. I know it would have just been harder but I don't care. I want you so badly. I miss you more than ever. I wanted to stop and say hi while I have a min. Your brother is actually being really good lol. I love you my darling angel and I will write you more later my baby Maddy. Love you so much my sweet pea. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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MY BABY LOVE

Jul 15, 2011 09:30am (EST)

Hello baby I finally got online yaaaayy, I found an apt and I get internet here, double bonus, now I just have to figure out how I can afford it. I don't know baby but I know I miss you so much and not being able to write to you every night was driving me crazy, we have all been sleeping on the floor because all of our stuff is still at reds and we of course have no blazer now. grrr I really hate that woman, she gives no thought to anyone but herself, pulling this right when it was your birthday. Like it wasn't hard enough already she had to kick me when I was down. She will get hers. I heard she even put her dog to sleep just because she couldn't take him with her to SC, he was old but he wasn't sick and he still liked to run and play. She had him for a long time and treated him like a child, I cannot believe she killed him, just for her own benefit. I think it is just wrong. Hey I guess she is just messed up with the drinking and all. I miss you so much Maddy and I will never forgive her for what she has done to my family. I miss you more than ever. This was the second worst week of my entire life, the first being the week I lost you my sweet angel. I love you so much Maddox and you will always be here in my heart. I wish so badly that you were here with us. I miss you more than I can express, I love you sweet boy, I had better go your brother is almost done with his breakfast and I have to get ready. I will write you later my darling angel. I love you Maddox, so so much. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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MISSING YOU

Jul 11, 2011 05:54pm (EST)

Hey there baby boy, mommy misses you so much my darling angel. I love you so much Maddox. I haven't been able to get online at all, I finally told daddy he has to watch Tar while I get on at the Tattoo shop. I cant take not writing to you every night, I feel like I have lost you again. I miss you so. Well baby we have been staying in a dive hotel for a hundred dollars a week lol but hey its a roof over our head. I finally found an apt and we can move in tomorrow if we have the rest of the money. I am hoping that we get it. I already put a six hundred dollar deposit down so I really hope so. I think it will work out ok. I feel awful not being able to write to you baby. I miss you and love you so much. It is killing me but hopefully we can get internet at our new apt it is right across the street from the tat shop so I am hoping I can pick up theirs. I have to go for now my sweet sweet son. I will write you when I can. I am hoping tomorrow baby boy. Mommy loves you so much my darling angel. I love you Maddy, we all miss you so much, Good Night for now my baby love. I love you Maddox. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Jul 05, 2011 07:51am (EST)

Hey there my littlest man, Oh how I wish I could have shown you the fireworks baby boy. Tar was just a teeny tiny and he loved them his first year. Your absence was greatly felt this holiday my sweet baby love. I miss you so much my darling angel and I love you Maddy so so much, I wanted to stop and write you, I haven't had much time lately and cant wait til my life goes back to some kind of semblance of normal. I wont be happy til I am in an apt the Blazer is back on the road and I have a job. In that order. LOL Grandma Onda said she went to see you and fixed your flowers a bit. I am glad I tried to when I went but didn't have any tools or anything with me. I am really tired though baby it has been a rough month. I love you baby boy so much. I miss you every second. I had better go on to bed baby but mommy will write you more tomorrow. Good Night for now My sweet baby love. I love you Maddy. Happy Fourth of July Maddox!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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MY MADDY

Jul 03, 2011 08:39am (EST)

Oh Maddy my sweet boy I missed you so much Mommy hasn't been able to get online at all. The people I steal it from lol must have turned it off again. I am at a hotel and it has free wi fi though Yaaaayy. First of all do you want to know what I am doing at a hotel. Hmmm it started the moment I woke up to my mother in law taking the plates off of my blazer and then calling me a bunch of choice names and then leaving the house with them. Nice huh especially when I asked her for the title on Friday and she wouldn't give it to me. She waited til Saturday on a holiday so that I would be without a vehicle all weekend and we have to move the Tattoo shop to Bradford Pa this weekend with it and she knows it. She also waited til after I took my husband, her son to work. What a chicken S***. She had the title because the weekend we bought the blazer I got fired from my job and didn't have enough to pay to put it on the road because my husband and I both have fines we have to pay first. So we put it in her name and we paid for it all. She will probably get a nice refund check too. GRrrrr I don't even have words for the childishness of this all. I don't even want to deal with it so we are not. I think we did the best thing in leaving. Removing ourselves from a bad situation for our son. I am so thankful that he was asleep, she did wake him up but I don't think he knew what woke him up he was sleepy sleepy, we have a hotel til Tuesday and hopefully then we can have an apt. I am having a hard time finding one on fourth of July though. And we had a hell of a time getting a room, the prices are all jacked up too. I don't see why its not like this is a tourist area or anything, I don't know Maddy but I know I am so glad that the hotel has internet because I hate not being able to write to you, Especially if I am having a rough day, and boy oh boy have these last few days been a couple of doosies. I love you so much Maddy. I love you and Tarquin so much. I wish so much that you and he could be together, part of each others lives. I wish that for all of us. I love you baby boy. I need you. I am so lost without you. I am so so sad baby. We all are. I am also really really tired baby. It has been a long long day...we never got a room til like ten at night and it was half hour out of town Poo and I were in and daddy had to come and get us still. I took Poo to a friends house with me and then we went to Wendy's and the old Tatt shop and hung out while Daddy drove back. I love you so much my darling angel. I miss you always baby boy. Good Night for now my sweet baby love. I love you so much Maddox. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

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MY MADDY

Jun 29, 2011 06:31pm (EST)

Hey there my sweet baby boy, mommy loves you so much. I was really worried about your birthday, but now that is over I just feel worse. That I never will get to throw you any parties or celebrate your birth, that was a sad sad day, not a joyous moment. I am beyond words with the grief I feel over your loss. I miss you everyday and think about you every second of every day. I love you my darling son. I want you in my heart and in my life, in my arms. I am not having a good day baby so I think I will go back to bed for bit, and try to start my day over. I love you my sweet baby boy. Mommy will write you later. I love you so much Maddy. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Jun 28, 2011 04:55pm (EST)

Happy Birthday my sweet boy. Mommy loves you so much, I can not believe it has been a whole year since I held you in my arms, I treasure those moments like gold. I would give anything to feel your touch just one more time. I miss you so much my darling angel and life will never be the same without you in it. You are all I ever wanted out of life, you represent my family, my children. My angels that will never get to be held by mommy, all of you. I only ever wanted a big family out of life I felt I could make up for all the pain I had as a child if I only could have my own children have a family to call my own, Oh Maddy I love you so much and I think about you every moment of everyday. I am so heartbroken and lost without you here. I love you and miss you baby. I am so lost today, this day that should have been filled with joy and presents and cake and a party just for you. Oh Maddy how I wish that was what we were doing today. I love you so much baby. I had better go get your brother up. I love you baby and I miss you always. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MADDOX!!!! WE LOVE YOU BABY XOXOXOXOXOXOX

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