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CAMERON'S JOURNEY

Cam

May 2013

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MAKING PROGRESS

Oct 01, 2006 10:19pm (EST)

I've been making some progress...finally! Lilly is kicking lots. She likes to face backwards so I don't feel her kicks as strongly but there's no missing them. I love it and don't feel like I need an ultrasound everytime I go for an appointment. I've had some tense moments. I started having Braxton Hicks last Sunday. One more and I was definetely calling the doctor. I convinced myself to calm down, drink some water and rest. I ended up falling asleep and they stopped. They also felt stronger than I remember them being with Cameron but I was told they can come earlier with each pregnancy and they feel stronger after the first. I guess part of it is not recognizing them for what they are the first time around.
I've been going to hypnobirthing classes and I swear its a God send!! The first class was based on how it all works and a relaxation exercise. It went pretty well. It was a while before I could get to another class (the instructor is doing one on one classes with me because of my situation). When I went on Friday night she did this incredible fear release exercise with me that has, so far, worked wonders! I suddenly don't feel like doom is lurking around every corner. I don't know if its permanent and if not I have no idea how long it will last. All I do know is that I'm finally starting to feel optimistic and I don't want to second guess it.
I know I don't come on here much to offer support to others. I have trouble coming back here sometimes. I feel like I keep bringing up a very painful past when I log in with my son's name. I've thought of starting another name so I can tell you all about Lilly but then it feels wrong. I started this blog to share my story about Cam. Its confusing and easier some times just not to log on. I hope you all understand.
Tabitha, Cameron and Lilly's Mommy

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LILLY

Sep 16, 2006 08:48pm (EST)

Here are the pictures...I hope. I'm not going into the whole story I was going to tell because this is the 3rd time I've tried to add this entry but the pictures won't show up. I'm trying for the last time and if they don't show up I'll try another time.
These are the pictures we got of Lilly when I went to the perinatologist.

Lilly5

Lilly8

Lilly6

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ANOTHER SCARE

Sep 13, 2006 11:46pm (EST)

So in my last blog I said that the ultrasound tech said that all of Lilly's organs looked great. What she didn't tell me, which I found out at my prenatal appointment yesterday, is that there was a spot on her heart. They sent me to a perinatologist today for a level 2 ultrasound. I also met with a genetic counselor. This all scared me half to death. My doctor said these things are usually nothing but because of my history he wanted me to be seen by a specialist. I made the hour and a half drive this morning. I was so grateful that they could get me in the next day and not make me sit and think worst case scenario for a week or more. I guess a lot of babies with Downs Syndrome have this same spot on their hearts. I wouldn't love her any less but I want her to have a normal happy life and I think our family deserves that after everything we've been through.
So after I met with the genetic counselor she said there aren't any other risks that she can identify. I had the ultrasound and met with the perinatologist. She said everything else looks perfect. She thinks the spot is completely benign and the spot is jsut a calcium deposit called an echogenic focus. She said both of her babies had them and they are perfectly healthy.
This was luckily just a scare and it looks like she is great. The other good news is that we got better pictures. They are much more clear. They also got a perfect shot and there is no doubt that she's a girl. We saw her yawn, she tried to suck her thumb but kept getting her nose and then we saw her stretch and her legs were pushing out so hard! She looked beautiful if I do say so myself. I was very excited when I left. I didn't realize how worked up I was until I found out everything was ok. Then I became really excited and then exhausted!! I have great pictures I'll post but right now I'm wiped and need to turn in early.
By the way, for anyone trying again or who is pregnant again I discovered hypnobirthing. Regardless of what it does for the labor I've found it to be a big help with pregnancy. It helps me hold onto the happy memories about my pregnancy with Cameron but it really helps me to separate the sad stuff so I don't obsess (as much) about it happening again.
Tabitha, Cameron and Lilly's Mommy

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UPDATE

Sep 07, 2006 11:05pm (EST)

I don't know what else to call this entry. I went for my ultrasound today. This pregnancy has been so challenging. Its so hard to not think about all that went wrong with Cameron when I think about this new baby. The ultrasound says the baby is a girl this time. She appears to have chubby cheeks. She is measuring about 1 week small for dates. The tech says her organs all looked great from what she could tell. This little lady is sitting indian style down in my pelvis facing my back. That explains why I'm more uncomfrtable this time than I was before. She was moving plenty on the screen and I saw her yawn. Its only 2D but it was still cute.
I was so nervous going into this appt. I was having nightmares about something going wrong. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night and when I woke up I was sobbing. It woke my husband up and even though he was trying to find out what was wrong I couldn't even talk to him. I was dreaming that I went in for a routine test (I have no idea what it was) and I saw something on the screen that told me the baby was dying. No matter how much I yelled, screamed, and hit people I couldn't get anyone to do anything about it. I think I was just afraid of a repeat of last time.
Anyway, now that I know and Lillian (Lilly for short) has an identity I'm going to the gift shop at the hospital I work for tomorrow and buying Cameron his "I'm a Big Brother" t-shirt. I wanted to wait until I knew who this baby was before buying it. I'm going to put it into his treasure chest with everything else that's special just for him.
Below are the pictures I got today. They gave me more but 1 of them is of the spine- which while its nice to know its what its supposed to be it isn't very cute. The other is a facial profile but its blurry. The two below came out the best.
Tabitha, Cameron's Mommy and now Lilly's Mommy too!

Lilly1

Lilly2

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DON'T FEEL LIKE I BELONG ANYMORE

Aug 18, 2006 12:15am (EST)

The title says it all. I feel like because I'm being given this great gift of another baby I don't belong on SHARE anymore. I was having a really hard time with anxiety. Everytime I would think about this pregnancy or this baby I would re-live what happened to Cameron. I went back to my therapist. She helped me see how to seperate the two. It does take real effort but I finally feel like I'm able to bond with and love this little miracle.

I had another appointment today. My new doctor is wonderful and lets me come in whenever I need to. I go every 2 weeks. Today I took a disturbing triage call from a pregnant woman right before leaving for my appointment. He didn't hesitate to do an ultrasound. At first I got scared because the baby was laying so still. The I realized he/she was sleeping when I saw the heartbeat flashing wildly on the screen. Out of nowhere a little foot popped up! The baby is laying sideways. That explains why when I feel those light kicks I'm feeling it on both sides.

I go for my official anatomy ultrasound on September 7th. That is where I find out if I'm having a boy or girl. I'll keep you posted. I will always miss Cameron but I'm finding that I am able to love this baby and look forward to the future.

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REALITY

Jul 24, 2006 11:10pm (EST)

I went for my first prenatal massage today. I wanted to do something to help me relax so I can do some good for this baby. I was lying in this tranquil room with soft relaxing music playing. The woman was using all natural heated oils while I was laying on my side and propped up with all these fluffy pillows. They don't use the tables with holes for the belly anymore because they found those put pressure on the womb and decreased circulation to the baby. So I was nice and relaxed. Without thinking first I just started rubbing my belly and I in my mind started saying, "Its ok baby. Mommy's going to take care of both of us." That's when it hit me. I get to be a Mommy to this baby too! I now have 2 kids regardless of the outcome. I just hope this has a better outcome. I will hopefully get to love and snuggle this baby the way a mother is supposed to and not grieve this baby. The pregnancies are similar in some ways but that is one thing I don't want my kids to have in common.
I know some people are really happy for me because they think I'm "moving on." Others can't imagine having another baby because it means I'm "moving on." All I can say to all of those people is that I've finally been able to get to a place that I don't feel like loving another baby is a betrayal to Cameron. I just have more love in my heart now...not less for him. It also doesn't mean that I miss Cameron any less. I would still give anything to have him here with me. I also think that everything that we went through with my husband forced us to live in the here and now. We couldn't do anything for Cameron anymore but I could do things to make sure my husband was ok. It gave me a very unfortunate distraction but allowed me to "heal" probably a little more quickly than most people.
I hope everyone understands. The fact that I was ready came as a shock to me too. I was sitting in my therapists office rambling about everything that was going on...how I cried in the shower that morning but I had no idea who I was crying for. Was it for Cameron? My husband? Me? It had only been about 6 weeks since we lost Cameron when we found out that the cancer we thought was gone had actually spread. Then I told her that I finally knew that losing Cameron wasn't my fault. I told her that if there was anything I could've done to save him.....God help the person who tried to stop me from making it happen. At that point I knew that loving another baby wouldn't hurt Cameron. He is in a place where he knows nothing but peace and love.
This whole experience has changed me in ways I never thought possible. I would do anything to change the loss of Cameron but I think i've become a stronger person for just having him in my life.
Tabitha, Cameron's Mommy

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SPECIAL REPORT

Jul 22, 2006 11:22pm (EST)

I've been away for what seems like a very long time. The last time I blogged was after Cameron's Memorial. The deal is that a couple of days after that I found out that I'm pregnant again. Trev wanted to wait until the end of the first trimester before making any announcements so that's why I haven't been around. Monday I will be 12 weeks.
I've had some strong emotions about Cameron since I found out. I don't feel like I'm betraying him....luckily I think I've gotten beyond that point. Just being pregnant again has me reliving some of my pregnancy with Cameron. This pregnancy has been similar in some ways (fatigue that makes me think I've been drugged) and different in others (morning sickness this time but not with Cam). I'll be doing great one day and Trev and I will be talking about names. The next day I'm hysterical at my doctors office begging for an ultrasound just to see the heart beating and arms and legs moving. I'm afraid that if something goes wrong again I might not be able to try for anymore. I don't know that I can take that kind of loss again. Cameron hadn't even been born and he was already my world.
I'm trying to be positive and do all of the "Mommy" things for this baby I did for Cameron. I make sure that since I know he/she has ear buds now that no one swears around me. I tell them, "The baby can hear you now!" Every night at 8pm I play a CD of lullabies on my belly with headphones. I rub my belly and talk to the baby. I daydream about having a baby cooing on the changing table. Then I usually get a little sad.
It feels like happy turmoil. That really sucks! I feel like the mistake my old doctor made not only robbed Cameron of life and my family of Cameron, but now also of the happiness and bonding I'm supposed to be able to have with this baby.
The good news is that my new doctor (who is the doctor who unexpectedly delivered Cameron) thinks the only reason Cameron died is because of misdiagnosis of something that is very unlikely to repeat. So he said that as far as reasons for this outcome I am lucky enough (if I can be lucky) that it is something that is very unlikely to happen in subsequent pregnancies. The other good news is that if it were to happen there are things that can be done to keep me pregnant and the baby alive..like I said- it was misdiagnosis.
I've babbled long enough. I'm just a little high strung these days. I have a prenatal massage scheduled for Monday morning. I hope that helps some. I also plan to sign up for hypnobirthing. I'm hoping it will just teach me some relaxation techniques to help get me through the next 6 months.
Below is a picture of our little gummy bear that I had done a few weeks ago.
By the way, since I write letters to Cameron whenever I feel the need or when a milestone would be passing for him I wrote him about the new baby when I found out. I'm sure he already knew he's a big brother. I might even buy him a big brother t-shirt and put it in his treasure chest.

Squig

scan0001

Posted by Cam | Comments: (4) | Permalink

CAMERON'S MEMORIAL

May 28, 2006 11:35pm (EST)

Today, May 28, 2006 was Cameron's Memorial. I had hard time not crying. I played Kenney Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today," to start everything. I printed out the words to the song and gave a copy to everyone along with a copy of a letter that I wrote to Cam. I next read the letter which was where I cried the hardest. Here's what it said:

" My Dearest Baby Cameron,
I can honestly say that I've never been as happy and content as I was when I was carrying you. Though we hadn't met face to face I knew you and you knew me. I knew just how many buffalo tenders it took to make you do somersaults. I knew Twinkle Twinkle Little Star would make you dance. I knew you'd become playful and excited when you heard your Daddy's voice. Though I may never know why you were taken from us I've been able to see what a gift our time together was. It was short but nothing has been more precious.
Your Daddy and I have told people about your short visit with us. They are sad and apologize for lack of something better to say. This is how I discovered your gift to everyone else. Those people go home and hug and kiss their babies more. They snuggle them just a little bit longer and cherish them just a little bit more. Not only have you been a gift to us but you've also been a gift to so many other babies whose Mommys and Daddys will take a little extra time for them. You've made those people realize how precious their babies are.
You may not be here physically but you are always going to be here.....when the sunshines, in the spring when everything blooms, fresh winter snow, and always, always in my heart.
"In the sunlight or the rain, brightest nights or darkest days, I'll always feel the same way. Whatever road you may be on, know you're never too far gone. My love is there wherever you may be. Just remember that you'll always be my baby."

I'll love you forever my little man,

Mommy"

After I cried through this letter we placed the stepping stone in and my mother-in-law put in a small American flag she brought. She thought it would be appropriate since its Memorial Day weekend.

That's all for now. I'm a little drained. There was a lot of build up for this and I'm wiped. I hope beyond all hope that he was pleased with what we chose to do for him. We still plan to spread some of his ashes on a mountain top but that might be something my husband wants to do himself. We haven't talked about that part too much yet. He has started his radiation treatments and I don't think he wants to make plans for anything too strenious right now.
Below are some pictures.

Cameron's Memorial 004

Cameron's Memorial 001

Cameron's Memorial 002

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WEEPING CHERRY TREE

May 18, 2006 12:21am (EST)

Tonight Trevor and I planted a weeping cherry tree in our front yard in memory of Cameron. While Trevor was "recovering" from surgery he built a retaining wall around the area we planned to put the tree. Tonight was the first time in over a week that we've come home and it hasn't been downpouring. We went and got some loam so we could plant it. I sprinkled some of his ashes in before we put the tree in. That way as the tree grows and blossoms Cam will be part of it. I ordered a garden stepping stone that we will lay inside the retaining wall on top of the bark mulch. I ordered it from The Comfort Company (internet site). They have a section for miscarriage and infant loss. Its perfect. It says "No farewell words were spoken, No time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why." That is exactly what happened so I knew that was the stone we wanted.
Once the stone comes in and my Dad comes home from a business trip to Japan we plan to have our parents over for a private memorial. We are going to have them over to be here when we put the stone in. Then I'm going to play Kenney Chesney's "Who You'd be Today," and I'm going to read something that I wrote to him. I've done so much crying for him and want to do something to celebrate him. After we do this, which is sure to make me cry we'll have a BBQ. I'm not sure what my mood will be but I'm hoping that I can have one of my happy moments while I think about how happy I was when I was pregnant and thought he was coming home with me.
If I can ever figure out how to put pictures from my camera on this site I'll post pictures of the memorial.
Tabitha, Cammy's Mommy

Posted by Cam | Comments: (2) | Permalink

MOTHER'S DAY

May 14, 2006 11:42am (EST)

Today is supposed to be my first Mother's Day. I guess it still is but it isn't the way its supposed to be. I always imagined having Cameron up in his room and changing him on his changing table while he cooed. For some reason that's all I've ever pictured for Mother's Day. A perfect and happy little face with chubby cheeks and an all gums smile. I imagined struggling with squirmy little legs while trying to manage a diaper. Instead its raining. There is no baby. There is a pretty wheeping cherry tree sitting in my front yard that, when the rain stops, will be planted and dedicated to Cameron.
Trevor and I want to have another baby and have started trying. Its so different this time. I don't feel as excited as I was last time. Even during the "trying" stage I was more excited. It meant that we were on our way to having a baby. This time it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I'm heading down a road of unknown possibility. There is a possibility that everything will be ok and that it'll finally be my turn to bring a beautiful, healthy baby home. There is a possibility that I'll lose the baby at some point in the entire 9 months. There is a possibility that I'll have another baby but I will go into preterm labor. We've learned since I first came to SHARE that my water probably broke around 28 weeks which is why there was no amniotic fluid which allowed the cord to wrap so tightly around his neck. (Its a long story about that but lets just say I've switched doctors and now I'm going to the wonderful doctor who delivered Cam.) That being what is the most likely scenario, I'll be considered high-risk next time. I'm so nervous. I feel like I've been robbed of the innocence of pregnancy. But is that innocence really ignorance? Should I really have been facing the possibility of this reality the frist time?
I went shopping with my Mom yesterday for Mother's Day. She wanted to acknowledge this day for me. She bought me some new maternity clothes. She wanted to give me something to look forward to. She was also looking for a new baby toy. When I found out I was pregnant with Cam she bought a squeeze toy that when squeezed makes a really hard baby belly giggle. Its adorable. Its now in Cam's treasure chest. She wants to give me things to make this next pregnancy unique and special. I had fun and got some new clothes. We had a late lunch together. It will of course be special, but at the same time it will be different. When I was pregnant with Cam I wasn't missing another baby. I keep thinking, is that not fair to this next baby? But if I wait to stop missing Cam I'll never have another baby.
I'm sure that a lot of this is because its Mother's Day. Another day and another reminder that my little angel isn't here. I feel like my emotions are all over the place. I smile when I think of Cam being perfect and being blissfully happy. I'm crushed when I think of how that means he can't be here. I'm excited at the prospect of another pregnancy. I'm ambivilant thinking of the 9 months of worry and how I won't be able to help but compare the pregnancies and wonder why Cam wouldn't make it too.
Tabitha, Cameron's Mommy

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