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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(2 members)
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javbmom6 |
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NICUmomof16 |
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LIFE WITHOUT LIAM
liams mommy |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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SETTLING IN
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Oct 13, 2010 02:08am (EST)
Still unpacking from our vacation to Denver- which was a wonderful trip; my only regret is that i missed the SU! I love reading everyones stories about it though, sounds like it was a great time! i'll be sure to put SU2011 on my calender now...is it always at the beginning of October i wonder?
we just arrived back home a few days ago, and still haven't finished all the laundry, gone through all the mail, etc. how is it that things pile up so much after only a week?
so the trip: before we left i was back and forth between excitement  and anxiety  . i've really done a good job at pushing away all pregnant women, but with my bff 14 weeks along, and the small fact that we were staying at their house, I didn't really have that option. we had a heart to heart discussion soon after I arrived, shed many tears, and in the end i'm so happy we went! i'm so lucky to have a friend like her!
now i need to come to terms with the other three pregnant women in my life....side note, it's crazy how there's not a pregnant woman in site, and then it's 'pouring' pregnancy!!!! sigh, i'm just going to have to suck it up, deal, and move on right?? 
So, when i was packing for the trip, it felt strange leaving my home because Liam is buried here and it felt like i was leaving him behind. I ended up taking his photo album with me, is that wierd? and i have to say, i'm sooooo happy i got his feet tattood on my foot. this is one of the best things i've ever done in my life. being able to look down and see him there was such reassurance- he was with us on our family vacation....such a good feeling.
so overrall- the trip was great!
on the down side, hubby got really sick this morning- we thought food poisoning at first, but now i'm thinking maybe the flu. he's so sick! not such good news for me or Bella- when one person is sick in a house, everyone is sick.
Here's some vacation pics...
Bella's first cave
and
Train ride in the mountains.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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:)
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Oct 01, 2010 02:00am (EST)
…so I started a blog earlier today, and have decided to change everything….things have been stressful lately, they’ve seemed overwhelming, and I've been missing my Liam so much (sometimes it's like a hole has been ripped in my chest all over again!). But- and I’m stressing the word ‘but’- there IS a silver lining- my daughter, my husband, my life.
Bella, had her first day of preschool after labor day- I’ve attached a picture below. She’s been anticipating this day for at least 6 months, lol, and she had no problem running straight into the classroom and never looking back! I thought I might get emotional during this time, but her preschool classroom is also her Sunday school classroom, and with so much familiarity, I was okay. It’s so great watching her develop into a little girl, yet so weird to actually say 'little girl' considering she only 2! How is it that they go from tiny little babies so dependant on us, to what she is now- an independent, conversational, free thinking little person…amazing!
As for me- I’m trying to live each day. Sometimes that can be hard to do. Actually live each day with no anticipation towards the future. I’ve given up the ttc ‘charting’, ‘temping’, ‘opking’ (if that’s even a word)….too much stress!!!! Sure I want a baby, but it’s not happening this way, so I’m try something different, doing nothing. We’ll see???
I’m leaving on vacation to beautiful Colorado tomorrow. Jason and I lived there 10 years ago, and have always wanted to move back! We’re visiting friends, my bff to be specific, who is also 12 weeks preggo….i’m anxious and excited at the same time. 
I so wish I was going to SU this year…to meet all of you would be so nice- to actually put a face with a name and give hugs…well, I guess that will have to wait until next year. I hope you all have a wonderful time- and make sure Stacy (no contractions!) and Zsuzsi take it easy!
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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A NEW DAY
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Sep 15, 2010 01:53pm (EST)
Thanks to all who commented on my last post- i was feeling so down after last Saturday night and once again Share has been there to comfort me during that time. over the last week, i've sulked and had myself a pity party, but now I am trying to rise above it and come to terms with my new reality.
Jealously will get me nowhere.
Hatred towards myself will get me nowhere.
Avoiding my brother and best friend will get me nowhere.
I can not run from my feelings, emotions, my life....my family is all i've got, and if i close them off too, i'll have nothing left. I don't want to look back in 20 years and regret that i was't apart of my niece/nephew's life, i don't want to look back and wish i could have seen the bigger picture...
So- i'm going to write my brother and sil a letter- something short and sweet, to the point. I don't want to delve into my feelings too much with them, but they need to know that i'm happy for their new baby. i'm afraid that if i do this in person, the words will get mixed up and come out all wrong- so if i write a letter i know i'll get it just right. I'm going to make an effort to be happy for them and keep those nasty emotions from rising to the surface. we'll see- it's alot easier said than done, but i have to try.
I'll be flying to Colorado in a couple weeks to spend some time with my bff- we made plans to visit before i knew she was pregnant, which is a good thing b/c i'm afraid that if i knew she was preggo i would never have book the plane tickets. I think this will be difficult and good for me at the same time. i've been anxious about going, almost to the point of wanting to cancel, but again, this is something i can't run away from. we've been friends for the last 15 years, we've been through so much, and i need to be there for her now.
so suck it up Jen!
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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UGGGGHHH.
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Sep 12, 2010 02:59am (EST)
Just found out my sil is pregnant- 3 months. Sigh.
I hate myself- why can’t I just be happy like a normal person? Why does my face show every emotion I’m feeling- why can’t I fake happiness? Better yet, why can’t I just be happy?
They had been trying for a year this past June, and after a year with no results they went to the doctor who explained that she might not be ovulating (she in her late 30s)…..but alas, she must have finally got pregnant, and they just didn’t want to tell anyone until they were 3 months along.
I feel like my feet have been kicked out from underneath me- my sil and I have talked about ttc, about all the issues I’m facing, about tracking our bbt’s, that she might not be ovulating with regularity anymore….even recently we’ve had these talks….and it appears she’s been preggo this whole time. Sigh.
I just wasn’t prepared for her to tell me she was pregnant (especially 3 months along!!), and I guess I wasn’t expecting it at a festival with loads of people around- I guess I was hoping she might tell me in private if the time came…instead there was a large group of people around, and all eyes were on me and Jason as we read the ‘Happy Grandparents Day’ card they made for our parents that was signed- Matthew, Aaron & Baby.
Let me say that I realize this moment is not about me, and they have no idea what life is like after you loose a child…this moment was about their good news, happy news for most people….and this is why I hate myself. I just can’t hide anything, my face always reveals exactly how I’m feeling…and when I read that card, all I felt was pain, therefore my face showed pain- interpreted by my brother as ‘mad’…..sigh. my brother actually came up to me later in the evening and asked if I was ‘mad’….yes, ‘mad’ that they are pregnant…I can’t believe that my brother had to ask me that question. That my face gave him the impression that I was mad that he’s having a baby, this really upsets me. I’m sure my sil is furious- and I tried to be interested and happy later in the evening by asking a few questions and telling them congratulations….yet I know it was a little too late.
I’m not even sure how to approach this subject with them; how to properly and coherently explain to them my feelings and emotions…hell, I’m not even sure I understand them. So what do I do? Leave the situation alone, or attempt to explain my reaction….neither option sounds good. What I would most like to do is actually option 3- be 100% happy for them, but how does that happen?
I have to mention that right after they told us they were pregnant I had a weird and worrying thought run through my mind- I’m not sure I’ll be able to hold their baby, my own niece or nephew, after he/she is born…yet another reason I hate myself. I haven’t held any baby in my arms since holding Liam as he breathed his last breath, and I’ve unconsciously decided I can’t hold any baby again until I’m holding my own….it was tonight this decision became real.
So, my sil is 12 weeks pregnant, my bff is 10 weeks pregnant, and my baby is buried in the ground- life’s great.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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DOC APPT TODAY...
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Aug 27, 2010 02:15am (EST)
I met with the new doc today, and though she was a great person and i would really like her as my gyn doc, i don't think she will work as my ob.
one of the big reasons i wanted to change doctors is b/c the hospital my current doctor's deliver at only has a level II NICU, and i want to be at a level III. I was sure the doc i met with today delivered at Good Sam (level III), but she doesn't  . when i mentioned this request, she said that only once in a years time does she have to send a patient from her hospital to Good Sam in an emergency situation...and i reminded her that i was that one patient last year. i would rather not take any chances. she completely understood and recommended some other doctors in her practice (at a different location) that i might like and also deliver at Good Sam.
but there were other things that i didn't exactly agree with either. she mentioned that once i was pregnant she would set up a consultation with a peri, but after the initial consultation i wouldn't need to see that doctor anymore. that she felt comfortable handling me throughout the pregnancy...uhmmm, i don't think so! at this point she recommended a few peri's that she really likes, and also mentioned that they deliver babies as well. this was news to me b/c i didn't think that peri's actually delivered the babies.
so anyway, i think i'll check into the high risk docs she mentioned and just stick with them (if i like them) throughout the pregnancy (once i get preg, fingers crossed, )
Something else i didn't really agree with was this- she didn't think a cerclage was necesarry (this was okay), the doc's believe my ptl started before dilation (therefore no incompetant cervix), and that she would check my cervix regularly up until 26 weeks (the time in which the cervix should dilate if you have ic???? so she says), and after that i'm in the free and clear????? she didn't use those exact words, but that's kinda what it sounded like. what gets me is this, my contractions with Liam were very mild, most didn't even register on the hospitals contraction monitor, yet i was already dilated to 4-5cm....so why wouldn't she want to keep an extremely close eye on my cervix????
Of course we also talked about my problems with ttc. she basically said the same things my other doctors said, 'you've had two other pregnancy's, i think you're fine'....sigh.
maybe all this is just in my head, and maybe my body is okay. i guess i should just give it more time- it's just so hard!
When i brought up my 8-9 day luteal phase, and that i think my uterus is an 'inhospitable' place for a fertilized egg due to low progesterone levels, she said that i would have recurrent misscariages if that were the case. she thought that a 5-6mm endometrium was okay for conceiving. she smiled alot during this part of the conversation and kept saying that it will happen for me- easy for her to say.
guess i need to let go, give up, relax, maybe get a massage (stole this idea from Shannon's blog).....sigh.
on top of all this, my best friend (she moved to Colorado back in February) called me Sunday and told me she was 7weeks pregnant. let me first start by saying that if anyone deserves to be pregnant it's her- she's been through so much in her life, and this is a true blessing for her! but i feel so sad, i have such a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. when i was on the phone with her my husband was sitting next to me and heard most of the conversation. after i hung up i just started crying- i felt like the worst best friend in the world- all i could say to him was that i'm really happy for her, yet i'm balling my eyes out.
we're supposed to go visit them during the first week of october, and now i'm scared to go. i'm scared that i won't be pregnant, i'm scared that i'll act weird around her, that this sinking feeling in my stomach is just going to keep sinking and sinking.....i hate this! i don't want to feel any of this. i want to go out there and be happy for her, i want to talk about her pregnancy...instead i'm afraid to answer the phone if she calls. hate being such a bitter, selfish, hating person- this is what i feel like when i have these stupid feelings.
how do i let it all go?
Jennifer
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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BREATH
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Aug 24, 2010 01:51pm (EST)
I just made an appointment to see a new OB...i've been kicking around the idea for awhile now, but i've been hesitating to make the call because i feel guilty for leaving my old OB (stupid, i know). i've been going to them since i was 16...but i just don't feel i can trust them anymore. They just don't seem to be proactive- rather they take the wait and see approach.
I'm really nervous about seeing someone else, having to go through my history...and really i am nervous i won't like her either. really want someone to address my 8-9 day luteal phase. my other doctors just said, 'well you've gotten pregnant before, so nothing is wrong'. but so much has happened since then, 2 D&C's, placenta accretta- i really think my uterus has been so damaged that my lining (less than 7mm) is insufficient to support a fertizlied egg and pregnancy, hence the extremely short luteal phase and barely any period. anyway, it's been on my mind alot lately since we're ttc, and i finally made the call to see someone else. i can't believe i got in so soon- nervous and excited.
Jennifer
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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I'M OKAY
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Aug 20, 2010 01:52am (EST)
so, i've reread my last blog, and wow, so bitter, so sad. I just need to say....... i'm in a much better place than that blog might lead one to believe. I need everyone to know, including myself if i ever go back to reread these, that i'm OKAY.
I feel slightly guilty for saying that out loud (or at least in writing), that i'm okay, but it's true. sigh- why does enjoying this new reality, without Liam, have to feel so heavy with guilt... like i'm betraying him?
My last post was just one day prior to his angelversary, and during those 19 days- from Liam's birthday to deathday- i needed to walk through my steps from one year ago. Needed to relieve all those memories. i'm not sure why, but it was a journey i knew i needed to take.
as i sit here tonight, i just want myself to know that this new life i'm living, in my new reality, everything is going to be okay. not living the life i expected or so dearly wanted, but am I living this life regardless, and making the best of it. Watching my daughter grow into a little girl, planning vacations, trying to conceive again... life rolls forward and my family is no exception. The stagnation that lingered for months after Liam passed is evaporating, things are changing... I'm laughing again. Smiling again. Moving forward again.
In my desires to move forward, i chose to get this tattoo on the one year anniversay of the day Liam died, and i think i couldn't have picked a better day... the best thing i've done in a long time! and i'm so excited to show everyone Liam's footprints on my foot. I know he'll now walk with me forever, which brings much relief.... I know it's stupid, but now that i can see his feet everyday, i know i'll never forget him. Silly, i know- how could you forget about your son- but i know so many of you have had these same feelings- the passage of time somehow brings fading memories.... for me, this solves that problem.
On a practical note, the tattoo just started healing and is itching me like crazy. you can see some sort of scab beginning to form... she (tattoo artist) said it could take 6-8 weeks for it to completely heal, meaning the shading will continue to lighten up, and i shouldn't judge what it will look like until that point, but i think she really nailed it.
Funny thing, i must not have pressed his right pinkie toe down hard enough, so it appears he's missing that one, only nine toes. i decided to keep everything exactly the same, hence only nine toes.
Thanks to all for your comments and support you've sent my way- it's been such a lifesaver.
I almost feel like i've had my own personal 'New Years Day', a day to begin again with hopes and dreams for the new year to come.
Jennifer
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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1ST ANGELVERSARY
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Aug 14, 2010 01:40am (EST)
A forewarning, this is not a pleasant post and extremely too long…
Below is a picture of Liam and myself. He was 17 days old, and this was only the second time I had the privilege to hold him; needless to say I was thrilled!
But I hate this picture, not my Liam of course, but me…I hate that I’m smiling, I can’t even stand to look at this picture because that smile on my face. It represents the life I thought we were going to live.
Just days prior to this picture, I had finally allowed myself to smile, to enjoy my time with Liam…I was just beginning to come to terms with his premature arrival, and I realized regardless of when and how Liam was born, he was here with me and that’s all that mattered. But when I finally let go, the world came crashing down.
This picture was taken on Wednesday, August 12th….one year ago yesterday. I hate this picture; I can’t even stand to look at my face, how could I have been so naive?
I received a call that night from the resident on duty; the blood results showed that Liam might have an infection, but he wasn’t showing any symptoms, yet….I hate myself for not going to the hospital that night.
Jason and I spent the next day with Liam, sitting by his bedside all day; this was one year ago today. It was an otherwise ‘normal’ day in the NICU, a Thursday, and I was busy working on school stuff while sitting with Liam. My graduate application, including essays, letters of recommendation, etc were due the following day. I had been working towards this point for the last year, finishing up some undergraduate classes that I still needed, taking the GRE in preparation of graduate school…it was all to be turned in on August 14th, one year ago tomorrow….. I hate myself for being so preoccupied with school before Liam was born.
Some friends stopped by to visit Liam, their first time in the NICU, and we left with them around 3pm to grab some lunch and then head home to pick up Bella…..I hate myself for leaving the hospital that day too.
And then comes the dreaded phone call that no parent ever, ever wants to hear- “Liam’s very sick, you need to come to the hospital now, it’s NEC. He’s being transferred to Children’s”….it was 4:46pm.
The next 24 hours are the worst, darkest, most horrific hours of my life; I never knew such pain existed. Liam was so sick. His ambulance had just arrived minutes before we had so they wouldn’t let us back right away. I couldn’t tell you how long I sat on that hospital floor in front of the NICU doors, it might have been hours or minutes?? But when they did finally let us back, words can not describe how quickly my heart sank. His little belly was so distended, so hard…. this was the first time I consciously wondered if he was going to make it.
I hated, and still hate, everything about this hospital. I didn’t trust the nurses or doctors, everything was so foreign and my little boy was so sick. We were put in a NICU pod with maybe four other babies, all of whom appeared to be nearly term. We were also surrounded by their parents, who all appeared to be teenagers….I felt like I was trapped in some warped dream world, nothing seemed right. Why was such a sick, premature little baby surrounded by all this?
Sometime during the night Liam’s heart stopped for 10 minutes before they got it going again…I was sobbing, burying my face in Jason’s chest. He wouldn’t let me watch as they were giving Liam chest compressions, and I’m thankful for not having that memory etched into my soul. I remember while this was happening, while I was sobbing ….there were no tears coming from my eyes….my body just didn’t have anything left to give….I hate this night, I hate this hospital, I hate the nurses and doctors who couldn’t save my little boys life….and I especially hate myself for not loving him enough to save his life…at least that’s what it felt like, a parents love should be able to save their baby, right?.
He made it through that night, and was getting prepped for surgery early the next morning. They wanted to look into his abdomen and see how the NEC was affecting his bowels. Just prior to the surgery, Bella was able to meet her baby brother for the first time. She was able to touch him, kiss him, and be present for his baptism.
Our entire family and friends arrived at the hospital to wait while he was in surgery. The outcome was grim…. either life or death, no in between.
The surgery started at 11am, and the doctors came to us 45 minutes later- “It’s NEC totalis, I’m sorry there’s nothing we can do”……I hate those doctors; I hate myself for not begging and pleading with them to do more. I hate myself for not asking one simple question, ‘Are you sure’, I didn’t even ask if they were sure.
I don’t even know what happened after that- it was the single most devastating day of my life.
Once back in the pod with Liam, it was like a funeral procession. Myself, Jason, and all the grandparents held him and kissed him over and over again. They allowed all our family and friends back into the pod, probably 20 people…they each came forward, one by one, kissing him, kissing us, and just crying. It was terrible. I’ll never forget Jason introducing Liam to everyone when they were all gathered in that small room, he said, ‘Everyone, this is my son, Liam’…he was proud.
Jason and I gave Liam a bath, his first and only bath by mom and dad. We dressed him in an outfit the nurse had given us, it was perfect. We swaddled him in one of those hospital blankets, told him how much we loved him, how proud of him we were, and how sorry we were…how much I wanted to take his place, that this was not how it was supposed to be.
With only Jason, myself and his grandparents in the room, we said our final goodbyes and Jason removed Liam’s breathing tube, it was 3:30pm…. he was gone….one year ago tomorrow Liam was gone.
At that moment I hated that I didn’t die too, and to this day I still hate that I get to live while he doesn’t… why couldn’t I trade places with him?
I hate that Liam’s body gave up on him, and most of all, I hate my body for giving up on him when he needed me the most….
I love my son, I miss my son- I’ll never forget you Liam. Tomorrow I’m getting your feet tattooed on my foot, we’ll forever walk together.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIAM.
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Jul 26, 2010 08:47pm (EST)
Today is my son’s 1st birthday. The build up, the anxiety, the emotions surrounding this day has left me numb. I’ve been sitting at this computer wondering what to type….beginning something, only to erase it a few minutes later. I’m just at a loss. I feel completely empty right now, nothing to type, nothing to feel, just nothing. This is going to sound awful, but I just want to curl up in bed with a bottle of wine.
Today is my son’s first birthday, and we celebrated at the cemetery- I think that says it all.
To my son…
Happy Birthday Liam, you are one today, and though we can’t be together on Earth, your family still celebrates the day we first met. I’ve gone through your memory boxes, looked through all your pictures, smelled all your blankets, hats, anything that might still have your scent….but time has removed what I crave. Already one year, and yet only one year.
I miss everything about you, and all the things I never knew about you- your cry, the color of your eyes, you nuzzling my chest….I miss you baby!
I almost forgot- my husband and I visited a tattoo shop this weekend and set an appointment for my tattoo. August 14th, the day Liam died, I will get his feet tattooed on the top of my foot or hip (haven’t decided yet). I was extremely nervous going in, but very excited after we left. I feel the date is perfect- something to get me out of bed that day, and the pain from the tattoo will reflect the pain I experienced one year ago and continue to live with today.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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