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TRACI'S THOUGHTS
Trixie2310 |
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UPDATE
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Aug 13, 2011 10:52pm (EST)
Well I'm home  Yesterday was intresting to say the least. Found out right before they took me back for surgery that there would be no spinal. The guy that knocks ya out ( cant even thinnk of how to spell that right now) looked over the records from my back surgery and decided it wasn't gonna happen. Eveidently they operated in the exact spot they put the spinal.. which also means.... no epidural! Was not prepared for that and it throws off all our plans. I am not doing a natural birth. I was in horrific pain with Skylar and have no intentions of repeating that. So now we gotta have a converstaion with our Dr.
The cerclage went well. From what my husband tells me, I was kinda outta it since they decided to put me completely under for the procedure. Dr said if we had waited ne longer we would of been in trouble. My cervix and muscles had already started to soften, so dr put in a stitch up high and one low. I will be 17 weeks tomorrow and my body was already trying to get rid of my baby. I keep telling myself atleast we got it early but it's not really easing my worries.
Why does my body hate my children? I never thought my own body would be my worst enemy. How am I suppose to protect this child from me when I'm the one that has to carry the baby?
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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TOMORROW IS ONLY A DAY AWAY
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Aug 11, 2011 06:47pm (EST)
So tomorrow is the big day. My cerclage is scheduled for 1:30 pm. Found out once they take me back my hubby cant see me till after the procedure and recovery. Kinda guessed they were gonna do that but still don't like it. Already nervous and now I gotta do it by myself. Just keep reminding myself this has to happen, just not exactly how anyone pictures their pregnancy. Plus they don't want me to eat after midnight tonite. I'm gonna be one hungry momma. lol nothing after midnight and my surgery isnt till afternoon. Not gonna be a happy baby. Kinda wonder if they'll be able to tell me if it's a boy or girl. i know not why were there but if there gonna be looking at the baby ne way then why not? Trying to make this a little less scary and whats scary about finding out the sex of the baby?
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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:)
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Aug 08, 2011 04:28pm (EST)
Missed worked today, randomly being sick is not fun. But as I sit here on the couch watching tv I can't help but feel peaceful. I can't explain it and not sure I want to. For once I can sit here and smile and actually think we're gonna be alright. Hopefully I cna hold onto this feeling especially with my cerclage coming up this weekend. It's a nice feeling, just thought I'd share. Hope all is well with everyone else.
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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BEEN A WHILE
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Aug 05, 2011 03:42pm (EST)
I havent written in a while. My cerclage is a week from today, I'm trying to not think about it. Trying to just relax, nothing I can do now just wait for it to get here and no reson to freak out about it. It'd be easier if everyone I know wasn't always asking me when it is. Just makes me bervous cause theyre gonna do a spinal block and numb me from the waist down and Ive never had that happen before. Kinda scary.
On a happier note, I think I can feel the baby kick. I'm not 100 percent sure it's the baby cause I'm only almost 16 weeks, but I like to think it is. The movements are still faint and I usually feel them when I'm sitting still watching tv at night and it's only every so often. It could be the baby right?
Everyone around me is so concerned with when we find out what sex the baby is. It makes me laugh cause I honestly don't care. I tell everyone it's a girl just cause eeryone else is saying boy, but my concern is more health related. I could honestly care less if we have a boy or a girl and I know everyone says that but I mean it. Yes I would love another little girl so mamybe someone could get to use some of this stuff we picked out and bought for Skylar but at the same time all I want is a healthy baby that I get to bring home. That's more important than ne thing else in the world.
It;s really hard to make plans for this baby too. With Skylar we were laready buyig things like diapers and bottles, I havent purchased one thing for this baby yet. With Skylar we were already plannig the baby shower and talking about what we would do after the baby is born, not this time. I just fell its too soon. To soon to make plans for this baby. How sad is that. Its still to soon to make plans cause I still don't know if I get to keep this baby. When will that feeling pass? Will I have to be holding my baby in my arms before I believe in this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I already love this baby with all my heart, but i guess its still not real is the only way I can explain it.
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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INHALE, EXHALE, REPEAT
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Jul 18, 2011 05:37pm (EST)
Tomorrow I go back to the Dr. It's just routine bloodwork but I'm freaking out a little. Tomorrow we set the date for my cercalge. My tummy is in knots. I know I need to relax but its hard. I dont even know exactly whats gonna happen. I know the basics but I want specifics. I keep telling myself if i can plan everything then theres something I can do. When I know in all reality, there isn't. I never thought of myself as a control freak until we lost Skylar. I think that's the exact moment I realized how little we can actually control in this life. Now I research everything thinking the more informed I am the more I can prepare for. I'm so scared of the unknown. I know I know deep breaths and one day at a time. Why is that so much easier to say then actually do? Guess I just have to make it till tomorrow and then I;ll have all my answers huh? gonna try and relax now.. thanks for listening to my rant. All anyone in my everyday life wants to hear is everything is fine. When I have my momments of freak outs all I hear is to be optimistic, I cant think like that. I dont want to be optimistic I want to be realistic. NO ONE can garuntee me this pregnacy is gonna go according to plan and I wish theyd stop trying to. As I like to say, I'm cautiously excited. thats the best I can give anyone right now.
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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ONE MORE WEEK
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May 25, 2011 11:03pm (EST)
One week till my first prenatal appointment. Getting excited, can't help it. I don't wanna get my hopes up because I've already learned once this doesn't garuntee anything. I find myself wondering through the house smiling and singing for no reason. I remember this feeling, the pure joy of knowing there is a baby growing inside of me. But part of me is screaming there is no promise I'll get to keep this one either. God I just want to enjoy every second I have with this child but at the same time I want someone to promise me this one is coming home. I've taken multiple pregnancy tests over the last week or so. I just want to see that positive to remind myself this is real. Not really having many symptoms, much like my last pregnancy. Sometimes I think I dreamed it and I have to take another test to prove it's not a dream. Just gotta make it to the first appointment... that'll be goal number one. Take this one day at a time and hopefully I'll make it to a fullterm delivery and bring home a happy healthy baby.
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (1) | Permalink
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HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
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May 08, 2011 05:59pm (EST)
Happy Mother's day to all. I know how bittersweet today can be. My thoughts are with all those moms that cannot spend today with their children. May you find some sort of peace today,
Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.
~ by Jody Seilheimer ~
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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WANDERING
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May 03, 2011 01:04am (EST)
I don't know if anyone else follows the show Army Wives, but the last few episodes hit a little close to to home as one of the main charactors lost her son to the war. Though the circumstances are completely different I relate to her. She said something that brought tears to my eyes. "Every mother that has lost a child wonders what for and if it was worth it" My constant thoughts.
Sometimes I feel like a horrible person because I don't seem to view this "experience" the same as others. I don't feel like I've been chosen by God to be an angel Mommy. I feel like God turned his back on my family. I don't feel blessed, I love that little girl with all my heart and I wouldn't give back a single second she was in my womb, but I don't feel blessed I feel cursed.
I feel robbed. Robbed of my baby girls, robbed of the innocence of a normal pregnancy. Robbed of the life I had imagined I would be having right now.
All anyone keeps telling me is to have faith.( Before I start this rant just let me say I know some of you are religious and I mean no disrespect but i have to get this out.) I feel like screaming like a mad women when someone utters those words. I don't understand what I'm suppose to have faith in. I'm a good person, my husband is a good person and for some higher power to decide we have to bury our daughter. I can't believe in something like that. I don't want to believe in something like that. But at the same time if i don't believe does that mean I'll never see my baby again? Our those my only options believe in a God that watches my suffer through two years of thinking i'm defective and never going to have a child of mine own, only to allow me to concieve and take that child back or not blieve and never see that child again?
I'm all sorts of mixed up right now, and all because of a tv show. lol. I just feel like I've been abdonded by everything. I feel empty and lost. Wandering through a world that should never exist. A world where there is no rhyme or reason... or a way out.
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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