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A JOURNAL FOR GRADY, GABBY & ABBY

GradyGabbyAbby

September 2010

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PROUD ACCOMPLISHMENTS...

Nov 05, 2008 09:24am (EST)

I still miss the "what could of been's" and "what should of been's" with my girls. These missing pieces will never be filled and can't be put back together. I very much wish I could complete this puzzle. But without all the pieces, it's impossible to do.

I'm struggling with hearing and reading about other's good fortunes in blogs and short stories and life outside the internet.
Pregnancies and healthy full term babies being born. The milestones that are being accomplished in leaps and bounds, while I have 2 daughters buried in a cemetery 10 minutes away from our home, that I can not even bring myself to visit.

Gabby and Abby should be here in *this* home, in their beds, not in God's home while their bodies lie in caskets 6 feet under the earth.
Right now I am feeling the BIG green monster hovering over me and envy is a trait I don't wish to carry around with me.
I've been fighting this feeling of "envy" that I have been carrying on my shoulders for the past several weeks. It's like a sin, and I should be ashamed of myself for even feeling this way. And in a way, I guess I am ashamed or I wouldn't be blogging about it.
Lately I've been taking a step back, a breather if you will. Taking the time for myself and with my family and reflecting on my life. Reflecting on what's physically here and tangible, and what's not. Sometimes it helps me to back away and look at the big picture. Other times it's an uphill battle to over come and the picture becomes cloudy. This time it's a battle and a little more fuzzy then I would like. But I'm getting there, and the picture is coming into focus slowly but surely.

I think alot of how I am feeling stems from Gabrielle Lynn's birthday and angelversary approaching next month. I don't really stop and think about the dates too much. It's not like I'm looking for a time to feel more sad then usual. My heart and mind just *know* and every year around the same time I get a little more "blue."
While my son will be celebrating his 10th birthday on November 18th here with us, it will once again be without his sisters.
That's tough. To put on a happy face for him while I'm struggling with my feelings and emotions over the girls.

I'm so proud of Gradon and all that he has, and continues to accomplish in his life. He has a heart of gold, is loving and caring towards others. He's all that I could ever want in a son.
He is my pride and joy and he is my life. But he does all this without his sisters, and that gives me a heavy heart to this day.

Grady's latest journey was going to the championship football game last week. I know that he had 2 very special little angels watching over him, guiding him. I like to think the girls are a big part of those accomplishments he faces and triumphs.
It was truly a wonderful feeling to watch him be a part of something so big and that made him so happy. My heart was full of pride and love as I watched him block and tackle his opponents and take pride in his hard work, as they fought for that championship title. I thought I would explode with all that love and pride that filled my heart for my only surviving child.
Unfortunately after a very heroic effort on the teams behalf they lost that championship game.
There were tears from coaches, team members and parents. It was an emotional time, but a proud moment for many as well. I know Gabby and Abby were just as proud of thier big brother as Ken and I are. He's an amazing young man and his sisters are a big part of who he is today.
Gabby and Abby are not "physically" here with us and will never celebrate with us these accomplishments and triumphs.
Grady will never get to *see* that proud expression come across his sisters face as they cheer him on in silence.
He can only "imagine" how proud they are of him, as they shine down on him from heaven.

Our all star football team.
(Grady is in the front row, 3rd from the left. Jersey #61)

Colleen

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (9) | Permalink

POOCH PARTY...

Oct 29, 2008 06:39am (EST)

This a FUN blog that I just HAD to share with you all. It's been a good week!!
1st a short update on us.

We are all doing well. Grady's football team won the playoffs on Sunday and we have one more game on Saturday to win to get to regionals. in NJ. Keep your fingers crossed.
The boys and the "G man" are STOKED!!
GO COUGARS!!

Ken leaves tomorrow for a few days to go to Pittsburg and then 2 weeks after that he will be in Chicago. Both are for tattoo conventions. Woohoo!! Did I say that out loud. lol... No seriously, I will miss him but the 1st few days of freedom are always nice.

Me, my life revolves around my son. and he is keeping me plenty busy.

He is loving chorus at school and we just signed him up for indoor soccer a few weeks ago which starts after the holidays.
I'm also in the midst of making Grady's Birthday invitations for his (are you ready for this?? I'm not)

10th birthday party. I can't believe it!! But that's for another blog. lol...
Sorry, I'm getting off track here.

Onto the title of this blog...

My best friend from high school and I just recently got back in touch with each other and I am so glad that we did. I didn't know how much I missed her till we started hanging out again.

It's alot like high school still, in a sense that we call, email (although there wasn't emails when we were in school),

every day and have lunch once or twice a month. We try to get together as often as our busy schedules allows.

Anyway, she just turned 40 this week and her and I are getting together for lunch to "celebrate". I can't believe she's 40!! And the scary thing is, I'm not too far behind!!

Diana (my best friend) has no children, well I guess in a way she does but they consists of 4 dogs and 3 cats.

They are her pride and joy and I swear they are treated better then some kids I know. lol...
A few weeks ago we were invited to our very first "pooch party" as I like to call it.

One of Diana pets was having a birthday and she invited us and several others over for doggy cake and ice cream.

It was a hoot!! I loved it. And we even had our wiener dog Scooby Doo come with us. I was a bit worried how he was going to do with all the other animals, but overall he did well. At the end of the night Scooby was completely tuckered out and ready to go home. But it was fun!! Here are some pics.

HUGS!!

The birthday girl!!

"Somebody please take off this stupid hat!!"

Scooby waiting for *his* piece of cake.

The Party animal is beat!!

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (7) | Permalink

MISSED YOU GUYS...

Oct 21, 2008 09:31am (EST)

I was really sad that I wasn't able to spend ShareUnion with you all this year. I thought about how nice it was to see everyone last year and how I was missing out on so much this time around.

I remember last year the over whelming mix of feelings that over came me when I stepped into the lobby of the hotel and finally was able to place names with faces. It was AWESOME. No other word can describe it.

I'm so glad that there were so many of you that were given that opportunity to go and finally meet the many wonderful people from this site.
It's amazing how you make these long distance friendships online, never seeing these people face to face and then given the chance to physically be with them. It's both scary, but exciting all at the same time.

All I can say is, I am very fortunate to of met many of you and call each of you a friend. And for those that I have not met face to face as of yet, but has been there to comfort me and be a friend through emails, IM's and phone calls, I cherish each of you as well. In hopes that next year I can finally extend that LONG over due hug to you.

I have heard *nothing* but great things about this years ShareUnion. I swear I am so envious!! lol... And I just wanted to send out a special thank you to James and Denise and our leadership committee for all their hard work for making this such a special time for so many.
You guys are AMAZING!!

Rumor has it, that next years SU will be back in my "neck of the woods."
I hope to see you all there.

All my love,
Colleen

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (10) | Permalink

THE FINAL AMOUNT IS....

Oct 09, 2008 07:00am (EST)

$10,642.00

That was the final amount we collected for our 1st Annual Tattooing to Save Babies fund raiser.
How awesome is that!!

On September 24th we presented a check to our local MOD chapter. (If your reading this Nicole, it was great meeting you and the girls)!!

Ken placed a phone call to our local chapter a few weeks prior to our presentation and I'm quoting Nicole, "I almost fell out of my chair when Ken called and told me the amount." lol...
That made me very proud.
During the presentation we were given a certificate of appreciation from the March of Dimes showing the amount raised, which we are displaying proudly at our shop.
The fund raiser was a complete SUCCESS and Ken and I are over joyed at how well it went.
Most of these funds were collected through tattooing (Nationwide), but we also had some cash donations trickle in as far away as California.
It just goes to show, that there are SO many people out there that are able to relate to our situation, and that truly care.

We also made the local newspaper and had our picture taken and printed. We were each interviewed and I was able to mention our online community.

It's such a plus when you can mention SHARE and tell people about our site, a place where there are others that can truly understand what parents are going through after the birth of a premature child.

I would like to personally thank those of you that donated to our fund raiser.
James, Denise and Kate, once again thank you with all my heart for spending such a personally special day with me.

I can't wait to see how the *2nd* Annual Tattooing to Save Babies goes!!

All my love,
Colleen

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (19) | Permalink

WAY TO GO...

Oct 01, 2008 06:51am (EST)

I have to give credit where credit is due. Grady's school is amazing, and has done a wonderful job of keeping parents in the loop of things when it comes to our kids.

This morning I heard the phone ring at 5:45 this morning. Yep, 5:45. Of course my 1st thought was that there was something wrong with Ken's mom or dad, or my dad. Ken's mom has had some bouts with seizures and Ken's dad is getting up in age.
My dad has a slue of heart and pulmonary medical problems, so you can understand why I was thinking that 1st. But thank goodness it wasn't.
It was Grady's school calling to let parents know that there was a fog delay this morning.
This is a new service they are providing parents with this school year. It's automated, and when you get the messages it's either the voice of the school principal or the superintendent.
They contact parents for school delays, early dismissals, or just to let you know when they are doing something special. For example, last week we were sent a reminder through this new automated system that they were having "Male Role Model Reading Day." All male role models were invited to attend school with their child or children and they would sit together for 30 minutes and read. Ken of course attended and it was a wonderful opportunity for Ken and Grady to spend time together at school.

I know Grady gets the biggest kick out of having us at school with him. Especially Ken, I think Grady gets sick of being with me ALL the time. lol... But I just can't help it. I can't go longer then 10 hours at one time with out having me my Grady fix.

LOL...
Another awesome feature is that we may access online information on our children from a special website. This info contains what homework each child has on a daily basis, as well as thier grades and if they attended school that day. The cool thing is if your child "skipped school" that day, well it's inevitable that we as parents are going to find out about it.

Boy am I glad that they didn't have this service when I was in school. lol...
Of course you have to have an ID and special password to access any of this information. But these poor kids. They can't get away with anything nowadays.
So far Grady is doing an amazing job at school. All A's and B's!!

He's enjoying football and now has joined the school chorus.

He's definitely been keeping Mom busy. But I'm loving every minute of it!!

Hope that you are all doing well.
Colleen

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (13) | Permalink

SHARE UNION

Sep 23, 2008 06:40am (EST)

In December 2005 I lost our 1st daughter Gabrielle at 22 weeks gestation. This was when I was diagnosed with having a weak cervix and was told that carrying a baby to term would be difficult for me. I was filled with so much sadness, grief and my heart literally ached. It was an ache that I had never experienced before and I was certain that I was going to feel this way for the rest of my life.
I wanted answers, so I began searching.
I wanted to know all I could about my options and if what I was feeling and dealing with was "normal."
So I started with the internet searching and then I googled "incompetent cervix," looking for others that may have been where I was at that very moment. I was in a place that was dark, cold and lonely. I was reaching out to someone, anyone that would listen to my words of sorrow.
And I found SHARE.
I began by telling my story in our "Share your story" section and was instantly embraced with the caring, compassionate words from the people here in this very community. I instantly felt warmth that gently wrapped around my heart, and I knew that this was a place that I could come to and feel "welcomed" and "understood."

In October 2007 I was fortunate enough to meet those many people that had guided me through my months of grief and through those dark and lonely hours.
Putting faces with names, finally giving that long overdue HUG and just "hanging out" with the members of this community that had made me a part of a distant family through the many miles between us.
That's what ShareUnion is to me, a BIG family re-union. Getting together, talking, crying and laughing about what you talk about on SHARE. Only your now doing so in person and making new memories together.
It's an experience that I will always remember, and will be a part of me as long as I live.
I have made many friendships through SHARE that I truly treasure and that will last a lifetime. Memories that I will carry with me and I hold close to my heart each and everyday.
I can honestly say that some of the feelings and thoughts I share here are thoughts and feelings I have not even shared with my own relatives.
These very friendships that have blossomed over the years have become some of my closest and dearest friends in my life.

I am so saddened that I will not be attending ShareUnion this year in Houston. Ken is going out of town for a few weeks and with Grady in school, football and now the chorus, it will be too difficult to travel so far away from home.

But I will be thinking of each and everyone of you and celebrating ShareUnion from afar.

It's an experience that you will not soon forget.

HUGS,
Colleen

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (11) | Permalink

SNOWBALL EFFECT....

Sep 14, 2008 07:02pm (EST)

It all started on Friday morning and it hasn't let up. Things are just progressively getting worse and I am tired, really tired.
I'm not sleeping well at night and I am having really strange dreams on top of it. But they are the kind of dreams that when you wake up you think to your self, "wow that was strange" but you can't remember exactly what you were dreaming about. They usually are occurring in the middle of the night and I'm having a hard time going back to sleep. I don't do well with Ambien or Tylenol PM, because I wake up the next morning really groggy for the rest of the day, and am in a complete fog. I can't function like that and try to run a daycare too.
Although I only have a few kids and most of the time they are in school all day. Maybe that's part of my problem. I need to do some volunteer work at Grady's school to keep me busy.
Maybe I'm on SHARE too much and it's getting to me.
I just can't get back on track. What the hell is wrong with me?? I've been weepy and frustrated over *everything.* Nothing is going right and I feel like I am lost in this lonely world, all by myself with no one to turn too. (sigh...)
My anxiety has been on the rise since Friday night and I have had 2 full blown panic attacks over the weekend. It just doesn't seem to be getting any better, no matter how hard I try.
My palms are sweaty, I'm having heart palpitations and I'm getting migraines.
I've had to take 3 Xanax over the weekend and that only takes the edge off for a short time, but I can still feel the anxiety building up all over again a few hours later.
I've been doing so well lately too (at least I thought I was). I thought I was past all this. But there are some things that I can't just "get over." I wish I could, but it's so hard to do.

Guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. And some times writing (typing) helps me sort through these emotions. I'm running out of options.
Guess the next thing to do is to call my doctor.

Colleen

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (9) | Permalink

HAVING A BAD DAY...

Sep 11, 2008 11:15am (EST)

Did you ever have those days where you feel as if you should of just stayed in bed???

That's the day I'm having. It's frustrating.
My day started out ok. That was before my daycare child showed up 1st thing this morning, and decided to open a package that was in my computer room I was planning to return to the company. Why he was even at my computer desk, I will never know. I was in the kitchen making the kids breakfast while all of this was going on. And then I had to give Grady his morning breathing treatment (which is another story). Grady has been sick and has been back on the nebs for the past few days, but no fevers thank goodness.
Guess since I wasn't giving my daycare child all the attention I was giving Grady, he thought he would get back at me. lol...
He knows the rules in my house, he's been here since he was 16 months old (he'll be 6 in January). The computer desk is off limits unless you ask permission and I am there to supervise at all times. Now I have to pay for a subscription that I wanted to cancel. UGH!! That got the 'ol ball rolling.

Then, I returned a call to our new parish that we decided to go to due to the distance of our old one (you know those gas prices). I spoke to this individual a few weeks ago about registration to the church and she mailed the papers to me. I filled it out and decided that since she wanted to meet in person and give us a tour of the church and classrooms I would hold on to the paperwork till we met.
I had already received a welcome letter from the priest so I thought we were set. All we would need to do is then register Grady for CCD (Sunday school). Right?? Wrong?? I called her back this morning only to be confronted with a curt, "If you would of attended mass last Sunday, you would of known about our orientation taking place this Sunday and that I have several other families I need to register for CCD." So, does that mean I am not able to register Grady now and that's it's too late? Because that's the impression I was getting. She responded by telling me, "no but I will have to call you back next week to let you know when it's convenient for me to meet with you and register your child. In the mean time, instead of holding on to the paper work I sent you could you mail it back to me so I have this information??" I'm thinking, like 2 or 3 more days is going to make such a HUGE difference.

I told her fine, that I would drop it off in the mail today.
When I got off the phone with her, I was angry. If that was the welcoming committee, I certainly didn't feel welcomed. I'm not having my family attend a parish that wasn't going to be understanding and supportive. I just didn't agree with the "not so kind" tactics she was using.
So Ken and I have come to the conclusion that we would stay at the parish we have been attending for the past 9 years. It's further in distance, but at least when we are there we are met with open arms and open hearts.

One last thing before I end my blog for today. Ken is working with this guy on doing a documentary on "tattooing." Ken had an interview with him yesterday and of course politics came up in the conversation. A topic I steer clear of if at all possible. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but politics and religion are strong subjects I feel is a personal preference.
Anyway, the topic: "abortion and government".
I know I shouldn't bring this up but that was the topic and that just gets Ken's goat (as well as my own). This guys opinions differ from our own and he wanted to argue with Ken. Ken being the "hot head" that he is, is not going to sit back and say, "well that's ok" and leave it at that. Those of you that have met us, know how stubborn the man can be, but God I love him for it. Alot of what he feels (and what I feel) stems from us having our girls at 19 and 22 weeks, and holding them in our arms till they took their last breath and their little hearts stopped beating.
Ken decided to described what our girls looked like and to tell him what, we as a family went through. Ken also shared with him that his little girl, at just 22 weeks old actually cried. How could anyone think that these babies, NOT be individuals, NOT be a person?
I think it touched this guy's heart more then he realized it would after Ken expressed himself, and he apologized for being so closed minded. God knows these little babies have touched my heart and my life more then I EVER thought was possible.
But just talking about this today brought tears to my eyes, I'm an emotional wreck right now.
I've been choked up all day today, as if one little thing will send me over the edge. I know tomorrow is a new day. (One step at a time)
Maybe this afternoon will be better.

Thanks
Colleen

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (12) | Permalink

SCHOOL AND FOOTBALL...

Sep 03, 2008 06:38am (EST)

Gradon is now in the 4th grade (Wow, so hard to believe)!!

This is the 2nd week for us and he seems to be adjusting well. But then again, Gradon has always been the outgoing type. Doesn't let too many things hold him back. lol...
His teacher this year is Mrs. S. Mrs. S and I graduated high school together and was a dear friend of mine. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing though. She knows too many of my high school secrets. lol...

But truly, I'm glad that Grady has her this year and so far we have gotten off to a "good" start.
Gradon had a procedure (minor) done last Thursday at the uroligist in Anne Arundel Medical. He was such a champ though. I was the one that was a *wuss* about the whole thing. Ken kept telling me, "stop babying him Colleen." I can't help it, it's just me, I *have* to baby him-a little.

About 24 hours after the procedure (Mr. Happy just didn't look so happy anymore). It was raw, puffy and bleeding. My heart sank, but Grady never complained. Not once. He's such a trooper.

And is now healing nicely and back to his old routines.
Thursday evening after the procedure we had to be at the football field by 6 p.m. for weigh in. Yes, Grady is in another year of football and he absolutely LOVES it. He lives and breathes this stuff I swear he does.

Anyway, on our way back home we have to go over the Chesapeake Bay bridge. Which by the way all lanes but one are shut down due to corrosion (NICE). This needless to say slows traffic to a near snail pace.

Gradon's procedure was at 2 p.m and we were on the bridge by 3. There was a 8 mile back up when we got there and by the time we got half way across, it jumped to a 10 mile back up. Not good.

I was panicking that we wouldn't make weigh in on time and they have very strict rules, that you have to follow.
It normally takes us 45 minutes to an hour to get home from the bridge. This time it took us nearly 3 1/2 hours to get to the football field, but we made it in time for weigh in (arrived at 6:15). Shoooo!!
The coach weighed Grady in 1st due to the fact that we were not able to stay for practice. I needed to get him home for a soak in the tub and re apply anti biotic creme to "Mr. Happy."
Grady's weigh in did not go so well. He was 3 lbs over the limit.

The coach let me know that the kids are allowed to miss 2 weigh ins. Grady has missed his 1st (Thursday) and he needs to be weighed in again on Saturday before the 1st game (which he couldn't play anyway due to the procedure). Which meant we had to lose those 3 lbs by Saturday morning.

Was that even possible??!!
So Thursday night and all day Friday he had nothing but chicken broth, jello and water. (I know not the most nutritious meals in the world but we had to crash diet at this point).
My stomach was in knots, because I know how much football means to my guy. I was just keeping my fingers crossed that weigh in on Saturday was going to go well.
We get up Saturday morning, and seriously I'm a nervous wreck by this point.
I asked Gradon if he wanted to check his weight on our scales here at the house before we left, but he didn't want to. Can't much blame him.
We get to the field and once again, the coach takes Grady over to weigh him 1st. I was standing there beside him and as I look over at the coach he gets this smile on his face and gives us a thumbs up. The relief, was pure happiness.

Grady was jumping up and down, and I was grinning ear to ear. He quickly realized that jumping up and down was not the best thing he should be doing at that moment (due to Mr. Happy) and came over and gave me a hug. But then thought all his football buddies may be watching and at lightning speed pulled away from me.

Guess I should be grateful for that 2 second squeeze I got. lol...
It was a great feeling and I think more then anything else Grady proved to himself, that if you want something, truly want it and work at it, it can be done.
I'm such a proud Momma!!

P.S. Just a few football practice pics I wanted to share with you all.

Colleen

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (12) | Permalink

THOUGHTS ON ADOPTION...

Aug 27, 2008 05:28am (EST)

There was a time when Ken and I thought how wonderful our lives would be raising 2 children. We had even discussed having a family back when we were seniors in high school. We knew what a big responsibility it must be to be parents, and knew in our hearts that raising 2 children would make our family whole someday even at the young age of 18.
Ken proposed to me when we were 19 and we married at the age of 20. Many, including family members didn't think we would make it more then 2 years together. There were some that actually placed bets amongst each other. And the deal was that after those 2 years who ever was the closest to guessing the month would get the pot.
Well, we certainly showed them, and the pot was given to us instead.

After several years of trying to get pregnant and suffering 2 early miscarriages, we accepted that having children were not in the cards for us. Then came Grady 2 years later!! What a joy it was to actually hold my full term baby boy in my arms and to bring him home from the hospital.

I didn't think life could be any better and I couldn't possibly be any happier. Since it took us so long (almost 10 years) for Grady's arrival. We decided to wait till Grady was in grade school before having our 2nd child. I wanted to be able to be there for Gradon through the precious years from being an infant to becoming a toddler, and then into grade school. I was able to be there, and to enjoy my son without the distraction of a younger sibling. I was very fortunate to be home with him through these wonderful milestones, and I don't regret one second of that.

When Grady was about 6 years old Ken and I decided it was a good time to try and have our 2nd child. And within a years time we found out we were pregnant and were over joyed.
Unfortunately our daughter arrived pre maturely and died an hour later in my arms. A heart ache like no other I have ever felt. With determination we decided to try again, this time taking pre cautions and making arrangements for bed rest if necessary. I received a cerclage at 13 weeks and 6 weeks later our 2nd daughter arrived. Her heart stopped beating 3 hours later in Ken's arms while I was undergoing surgery having the after birth removed. We couldn't believe that we would have to make (yet again) arrangements for our daughters burial and service.

Since enduring our losses, Ken and I have bounced around the idea of adoption. Which at one time sounded like a wonderful opportunity for us. Grady would gain a sibling, while we would be able to raise a 2nd child. But the kicker is, it's not OUR child we would be raising. It's not our daughters. And although I would love nothing more then to have my girls here with us. I have come to a point in my life that using all the energy towards grief, towards asking myself all the why's and what if's, is taking that precious time away from my son.
Please don't mis understand me, there is not a day or even a few hours that pass that I don't think about and miss my girls. But I have come to realize that my son is here with me now and he is living, breathing, growing and doing wonderful things. I want to be here to "enjoy" that time, not grieve what could of been.
I refuse to take the energy towards some thing that is not tangible, and that I can not see and waste it. When I can turn that energy into something that holds life. My son.

I will focus on raising my only surviving child, because I don't get a 2nd chance. And right now adopting a child would only, once again take away precious time from my son who has been through losing 2 sisters.
He deserves more then that, he deserves a Mom.
When Gradon is all grown and on his own raising his own family, I don't want to sit back and say to myself.
"I regret not being there for him."

HUGS
Colleen
Love to my kids,
Grady, Gabby and Abby

Posted by GradyGabbyAbby | Comments: (10) | Permalink

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