March of Dimes

SHARE HOME > SHARE YOUR STORY > ALL SHORT STORIES > BLOGS

PARSONS BROOD

jack-n-kates_mom

September 2010

Category: Home

Sun

Mon

Tue

Wed

Thu

Fri

Sat

WONDERING

Apr 08, 2009 06:48am (EST)

I've been wondering a lot about different things. Would my marriage still be intact if Kate would have lived? I wonder if he would have left anyway? I wonder what my life would be like being a single mom with two kids, one 5 and one 2. Sometimes I wonder how much child support he would have to pay for two kids. Sometimes I wonder if he would get both kids on his day. I don't know why I have these thoughts, I guess it's the same as me wondering what Kate would be doing if she were here right now. Sometimes I think that if Kate were here none of this would have happened, but then I wonder if Kate were here, would he be here because of Jack and Kate being so little. How dare him lie to me for a year and a half about loving me, about wanting to be with me. I knew the answer all along, but he has never lied to me before so I didn't have a reason not to believe him. I just thought he needed some space and some time to turn himself around.

And then sometimes I wonder if Kate had to leave so I could get through this. Going through what I'm going through now is a piece of cake compared to losing your baby. This is a walk in the park. Yes I have mourned the loss of my marriage, but its nothing like losing your baby. When you lose your baby you don't want to be in public, you don't want to see pregnant people. Losing your marriage isn't as difficult as that. Sometimes I see couples out and sometimes, very rarely, do I wish that were me. Mostly I'm glad it's not. LOL Mostly I'm glad that I don't have to deal with making someone else happy besides myself and Jack. Mostly I'm glad I don't have more laundry to do, more stuff to pick up and mostly I'm glad that I never have to cook big meals, but sometimes it would be nice to pick up after someone else, have someone there to hang out with in the evenings, but I'm used to things being like this. Brett checked himself out a long time ago and this is what I've gotten used to. It's hard to miss someone who hasn't been there for so long.

I've been through worse and I'll get through this. I don't like to say things happened for a reason, but I wonder sometimes if losing Kate was just a way to prepare me for this. Nothing bad has ever happened to me until I lost Kate and since then I've had two more bad things happened (miscarriage and now this), but nothing as bad as losing her.

Then I look at Jack and see how awesome he is. He's doing amazingly well. He asks when his dad is coming home and when I say he's not, he says okay and goes on about his way, playing, laughing, making fart noises with is mouth because THATS the thing to do right now. He's been my rock through this. Without Jack I think I would be in shambles, but he's motivated me to get in shape, stay healthy and have more fun than I have in years. I've been riding 12 to 14 miles on a bicycle at the gym, lifting weights, doing cardio. Well, mostly because in about a year I may have to have another boyfriend and being a fatty just ain't cuttin it. For now though Jack is a great cuddler and told me he could my boyfriend. Perfect....

Love,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink

MARCH FOR BABIES

Apr 06, 2009 06:57am (EST)

So I've been wracking my brain about M4B this year. With things changing in the Parsons household, finances being split, I just don't think I can do it and that hurts. I started my team in 2007, the year Kate died. I needed something like that and what a better way to remember Kate than having our very first walk on her due date. On April 26, 2007, Jack's Rat Pack made it's first appearance. We did it last year also and it was great, I volunteered with the family teams committee and loved it and also with the idea from Angi (Phoenix's mom), I did my walk's Angle Avenue. They still have the t-shirts and are using them again. I'm super excited about that!!

What I'm not excited about is that I just can't do it this year. This was a walk that I started doing for Kate and thought it was great that the MOD also benefited Jack when he was born with surfactant. Sadly, I just don't have the energy this year nor the focus.

From being a family of three to now just me and Jack, well it's mind-numbing, life-changing and having to starting over has me looking for apartments, figuring out what can fit in a smaller place and what school Jack will go into, needless to say I have a lot on my plate right now. I'm hoping to do something this year, such as some kind of tournament, something. I know economically this has not been the best year for donations. I just feel like I've let Kate down, so I've decided I'm going to volunteer more in the NICU, be available at my support group to others who have recently lost, but sadly this year Jack's Rat Pack just isn't going to be a team.

There is always next year and maybe my life will be more on track again. You never know the difference a year can make.

Good luck in all your walks!! I look forward to hearing about them.

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink

I'M SO SICK (LITTLE LIAR)

Mar 23, 2009 08:06am (EST)

I'm not sick and neither is Jack, but during the school week everyday at 8:15, when I tell him he has 15 minutes until he has to get ready he gets a stomache or is dizzy. The little liar.

I keep trying to explain that one day he's going to feel bad and be sick and I won't believe him and send him to school feeling that way. He said, but he is so sick. Yet everyday, he starts getting ready for school, even gets in the car and things are all good.

I didn't think lying started so early. At 5, really? This early? Really?

Little stinker... Everyday I tell him that if he's that sick the school will call me. Oops...pass that mom of the year award this way.

Gotta love him though.

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (10) | Permalink

JACK P.'S MOM

Mar 17, 2009 06:36am (EST)

That's me, I'm Jack P.'s mom. This morning Jack and I went to Lights! Camera! Book Fair! at his school. Parents went this morning and they had mini-pancakes (banana nut yummm!) and then we could shop for books. We had our pancakes and he picked out a Spongebob Book, some kind weird Bakugan book and then a dinosaur book. He's big into dinosaurs, I mean big. He woke up last Friday morning at the ungodly hour of 6:30 telling me that there is a baby dinosaur downstairs and that we had to feed it. Last night he said he was a T-Rex and when I asked what I was he said I was the mommy T-Rex. I asked where the daddy T-Rex was and he said that the daddy T-Rex lives somewhere else. woops... Oh well, he's only going by what he knows.

Anyway, while at the book fair we saw some of his classmates and friends and then while I was leaving and Jack was in his classroom two of his classmates were walking down the hall and get this kind of look on their face like what the.... Well not really that, but I'm just saying. They point at me and say "Hey, Jack P.'s mom!!!" They get all excited.

That makes me feel pretty neato and makes me feel like my kid is growing up way too fast. He's already lost two teeth, he's had many girlfriends and sometimes more than one at a time, gets love letters and has sleepovers. Seriously, I tell him to quit growing but apparently he's not listening. I had to buy him all new summer clothes because unless your a chick, 5-year-old boys shouldn't be pulling off Daisy Dukes.

Today I was thinking about all that I've been through. From watching my son have to grow in an incubator, be fed through his g-tube, watching my daughter be still on the sonogram, being told again that there is no heartbeat and having a miscarriage to watching my marriage crumble before my eyes. I don't know what God is trying to tell me, but I can tell you this, the time I spend with Jack is precious to me. Even more than before that is. Knowing that I can devote all of my free time to him...well it's opened my eyes. He loves me, he's proud of me too, he told me so last night how good of a mommy and sometimes daddy I am.

He still loves his dad, he still sees his dad, but when he only sees his dad every other day and every other weekend, well his dad doesn't put him to bed everyday, he doesn't take him to school or fix the problems. I'm trying to fill those shoes but still telling Jack that he has a good daddy who loves him and he knows that, but that his dad needs to sort some things out. This we know for sure, I don't miss Brett. You don't miss someone who was never really there mentally in the first place. Times are tough right now, but I'm good, less stressed and better than I've felt in the past two years.

Speaking of juggling my home life, join us Thursday, March 19th at 7:30 pm for our live chat with Denise Rock on Juggling Work and Home Life!! I know I'm excited that this is an evening chat. Come hang out with us in the community center chat!!

Peace and love,

Kelly

P11800431

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (5) | Permalink

THE NIGHT OFF

Mar 04, 2009 07:25am (EST)

When I was pregnant with Jack I worked at a dermatologist office doing transcription. I made pretty good money, but it was a regular 9 to 5, working downtown job. We lived 30 minutes from downtown so at rush hour in the morning and the evening it took close to an hour to get to work and an hour to get home.

Jack came 7 weeks early and I wasn't able to go back to work until he was 12 weeks old, which was fine, but we had just closed on our brand new house. We needed my income at that time. We didn't think Jack was going to come early, but obviously no one does. We thought we had 7 more weeks to build up our savings and rebudget ourself, get our house painted before Jack came and that didn't happen.

Jack started daycare at 13 weeks old and was sick ALL the time. He started a nebulizer three times a day at 6 months old and was on them off and on for the next 15 months. When he was 2 I started working from home for a big transcription company, one where I didn't make enough but I thought Jack still needed to be in daycare so I could get my work done. At this time we lived back in our hometown. Yep, I sold my brand new house, packed up our stuff and headed home. We were only there for 10 months when we realized what a HUGE mistake we made so we moved back to Da'Ville.

I decided to keep Jack home with me and he did great. It took him a while to get adjusted to the fact that I couldn't play every second of the day, but I could always get him something to eat and drink and if he gave me so much amount of time to work then I would give him a certain amount of time of play. Three years later and things work good. I can work my full day without too many stops while Jack is not at school. Except now I actually have a life besides work and Jack. I have friends and volunteering with the MOD and also keeping my house clean and laundry straightened. This has become an even harder chore due to the recent "changes" in the Parsons household. I do it all on my own without the pleasure of having a father to keep Jack busy and play with him.

Do I feel guilty? You bet I do, but Jack understands and I guess over the last three years he's adjusted himself to entertaining himself while I worked. Except the other night, on Sunday. My schedule is Sunday through Thursday and on Sundays I work in the evenings while the rest of the week I work while he's at school and am finished before he even gets home. On Sunday he asked me to take the night off. Man, did I ever feel guilty. I told him that I couldn't because I want to take the night off so we can see our family during his spring break. He understood, but then he saw me on the laptop while I was supposed to be working e-mailing our NICU committee about the upcoming Easter stuff that we are doing. oops.

Do you have to juggle home and work all the time? Well come and talk about it at our next live chat with Denise Rock and yes, my friend She ROCKS!! The chat takes place on Thursday, March 19, at 7:30 p.m. EST It's a night chat, so we can have our working moms and dads be able to join us.

Hope to see you there,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (6) | Permalink

CHANGES

Mar 01, 2009 09:10pm (EST)

braces off and chewing gum

no tooth

tooth fairy is coming

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (12) | Permalink

MARCH FOR BABIES 09' HELP!!

Feb 03, 2009 03:06pm (EST)

When I found I was pregnant with Kate my due date was April 28, 2007. When Kate was stillborn January 17, 2007, I wondered if her due date would always bother me.

After Kate died I found myself wanting to do something in her memory, something that could involve my family and friends without being. In March I got contacted by Angi (Phoenix's Mom) and found out we live in the same area, our kids were born at the same hospital and she told me about our NICU Family Support at said hospital and told me it was March of Dimes related. Immediately I thought of Walkamerica and thought it would be a great idea to start a team in honor of Jack and especially in memory of Kate. Can you guess our walk date? April 28, 2007, Kate's due date. What better way to honor Kate than to do this amazing walk, for amazing kids with amazing people, on her due date.

I started with my family and of course they were up for it and my two best friends who were all about it. I had trouble deciding where to do my walk. Do I do it here in Louisville where the walk is HUGE, but I probably wouldn't get too many to walk with me? Do I do it back in my hometown since my family and close friends want to participate but I don't have enough room to house everyone for the weekend? I chose to do it in my hometown. Our family team is Jack's Rat Pack and man was I excited, but I kind of felt like I went in with a blindfold on.

When do I start doing this? When do I start doing that? Heck, I'm still that way this year and I started my team in 2007. Last year I didn't have as many people walking and some of the walkers just weren't into it, not getting donations and I have this feeling that they're doing this just for me, not for Jack, not for Kate. Oh well. Things hopefully will get better and I hope to get some ideas very soon, next Tuesday to be exact. Heck, next Tuesday at 2 pm EST here on Share, in the community center. Can you guess whats coming up?

If you guessed a live chat with Kara McBurney, family teams specialist for the March of Dimes then you got it right on the dime (get it?). Kara will be talking about Gearing Up for March for Babies. I know you all will have tons of questions to ask, I know I have lots myself.

Hope to see you there!!

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (7) | Permalink

SHE WOULD BE 2

Jan 20, 2009 03:58pm (EST)

I haven't been on Share and I haven't really blogged about Saturday, Kate's birthday. I was just so bummed, not necessarily because it was her bithday but because I wasn't with the people who I knew would really understand. I was with my family and one of my best friends, but not the ones who would totally get it, and understand why a balloon release can be so healing. Friday I was supposed to travel to said friends house and stay with six other friends all in honor of another friend, but my body decided to do what it did last year. Thursday night I woke up feeling achey, headache and had chills. Friday I woke up and felt like a truck had ran me over. I did this last year. Last year Jack also got sick the day before Kate's birthday. Last year he got croup and was on steroids. This year I was packed, ready to go on a road trip for a girls weekend and wasn't able to. Oh well, there will be other times, but how nice it would have been to have been with those special friends.

Saturday, Brett had to work and I definitely did not want to be by myself. Since I felt better with no more aches, no more chills, just the recovering drug phase, I decided to drive 2.5 hours to my hometown where Kate is burried and where our family still lives. I packed up a few things for Jack and myself and we took off. I haven't been to Kate's grave since memorial weekend and decided I should go. I didn't feel the best, but I wasn't necessarily sad this year. My best friend and her little girl went with me and Jack and her daughter and myself released a balloon each. I got Kate some new flowers to put in the vase, but it was a low key kind of day.

I keep thinking that the fog and darkness is going to come and make me feel blah again, but it hasn't. I keep waiting though. It was actually kind of nice this year minus the flu-like symptoms. I would have rather been where my original plans were supposed to take me, but for some reason last year, and this year, I've gotten sick on Kate's birthday and Jack as well. Except this year I got sick the day before and Jack got sick two days after. Yesterday before heading home he woke up saying his stomach hurt but he was still playing and went to the bathroom a couple of times. We finally made it home after stopping only once and he walked in the door and started throwing up. He didn't go to school today and has been since his last "episode", keeping down toast and a toasted cheese sandwich with some Sprite and Pedialyte.

I wonder why though, both years, Jack and myself have gotten sick on her birthday. Does Jack get sick so I have some kind of distraction? Do I get sick because maybe my immune system is down just from feeling kind of blah. Of course since I came home I'm now getting a bladder/urinary tract infection. Those are fun, but why, just out of the blue do I get one of those when I haven't had them in years? I swear your immune system just kind of shuts down when your feeling out of sorts.

Maybe every year Kate's birthday will get easier. This year was actually really nice. I was at my parents house, laying around, and was happy. We talked about Kate and it was a day of remembering but it was a good day, not a sad, crying day. The anticipation wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst either. I still wonder if the bad days are coming or if I'm just okay now. Maybe I've accepted the fact that she won't be here for her birthday. Last year I got the pea pod tattoo so I had something to look forward to. Maybe these two years of healing, two years of blogtherapy on Share have helped..maybe?

I still wonder what she would looke like now that she's 2, would she be mischievious, would she be strong-willed, would she be loving and sweet? I'll get those answers one day, but until then Happy 2nd Birthday Kate.

Much love,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (14) | Permalink

KELLY'S BILL

Jan 12, 2009 08:05am (EST)

I talked to my brother-in-law yesterday, well ex-brother-in-law, the one who one 100th seat district representative from my hometown. Also a private practice lawyer and the former assistant city attorney for my little town. This is also the brother-in-law who I spoke to about making it mandatory for birth certificates resulting in a stillbirth for the state of Kentucky. Right now I only get a death certificate, nothing else. To me, to get a death certificate something had to be alive for it to die, hence Kate.

I talked to him yesterday and he wanted to know if I was going to be there when they issued this as a law. Right now it's currently a bill, Kelly's Bill to be exact!! YIPPEE!! Boy did it ever lift my spirits to know that this bill is wrote up and waiting on the assembly now. This definitely is making Kate's upcoming 2nd birthday much better. To know that I'll have proof that Kate mattered, the little time she was inside of me growing mattered, that she was a baby and not just a fetus, not something with a diagnosis of fetal demise.

With her 2nd bithday approaching I've been okay, every now and then I recall what I was doing 2 years ago today, and if thats the case two years ago I was still pregnant with her, still felt movement, she was still here. I knew this date was coming but it was like my body knew it was coming before my mind realized that it was. I've been in that funk, not a bad one, but I just want to be left alone, I don't want to talk about so much right now except to a few select friends. I'll go to my support group tomorrow night and see if that will help me.

I'm just not me right now, the days drag on, I'm finding it hard to concentrate, but I'll make it through. I know I will. It's just now that it's been two years, as promised by many of your Share members, its better. The bad days are few and far between, but when they hit they hit hard. This feeling, as many of you know, gives you the feeling that you just lost your baby, you relive it all over again so you look for safety and comfort in any way you can. I do that through music. Never in my entire life have I ever done that and I look for that through finishing Kate's video.

We had a small vide of everything that the L&D receptionist, also a person with Now I Lay May Down to Sleep, but I wanted to do one, to my music, to the pictures that I wanted and I finally finished it. I did this because it felt like I was doing something for her.

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=25c1e010224e02da4fa888&skin_id=701&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

Still saying prayers for Missy and Samuel, Carissa and Cookie Bean (that baby will forever go as Cookie on Share) and also for Lesley and her stomach issues.

Much love,

Kelly

Come to our live chat tomorrow at 2 pm EST with Mary Beth Camp, a NICU Family Support Specialist. We'll be discussing Volunteering in the NICU. Hope to "see" you there.

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (11) | Permalink

AN UPDATE OF SORTS

Jan 05, 2009 07:27am (EST)

Oh my goodness, yes I'm still her. Christmas and the New Year was busy but for us Christmas is officially over. We went to visit our family last week and just got home yesterday, but I gotta say, I thoroughly enjoyed Christmas this year. Jack was super-duper excited and just as excited that he was going home with my parents for four days without us. Jack and I totally did NOT want to get out of bed today for school. ugh... I think we need another day to recover from our weekend.

As far as I can tell 2009 looks to be a calm year for us and maybe even a visit from the tooth fairy. Yep, we have our first loose tooth and there is a possibility his braces will come off this month. Jack says the first thing he wants to do is have some gum. Jack's a gum-chewer, will chew it for hours. As a matter of fact, as bad as this sounds, I gave Jack gum when he was teething. Just a small amount but its the only thing that worked and he would chew on that gum forever and it worked. LOL

Last year my New Year's resolution was to buy my daughters headstone. I just couldn't do it, it made it to final after Kate died, but once I finally did it, once I was ready it felt good. I got some closure from it. This year, I plan to volunteer more with parent to parent on the antepartum floor and especially in the NICU. The NICU can be hit and miss when I go to volunteer, but if I go just once a week, maybe I can help one family. When I started volunteering I was looking for something that would get me out of the house, but make me feel good about myself. I found just that and it helped me so much after losing Kate. I know for many people it's hard to go back into the NICU, especially if your baby passed from complications while they were in the NICU. It can be tough, but sometimes it can be very rewarding and make you feel good about yourself just by sharing your story with others.

Join us for a live chat on Tuesday, January 13th, at 2 pm EST. We'll be discussing Volunteering in the NICU with Mary Beth Camp, a NICU Family Support Specialist with the March of Dimes.

Hope to see you there.

Happy New Year!!

Kelly

IMG_1862

IMG_1873

IMG_1828

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (10) | Permalink

Archives