March of Dimes

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Mommy of angel Shiloh

May 2013

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NO PEACE

Jun 11, 2011 11:27am (EST)

I started staying with my mom & dad recently my older sister has moved in too. Things have been extra hard lately, emotionally wise with me missing Shiloh and this new pregnancy bringing up memories.

Ever since my sis moved back in im growing less and less to enjoy seeing and being around her. When she moved in she lives as if everything is normal mainly me, we argue everyday and my peace is gone. ive already talked to her about it and there is only so much strength i have right now.

And i feel like every since Shiloh passed she has not been there for me. She didnt even come to Shilohs memorial service.
Right now we are not speaking and how ridicoulous is that when we live in the same house.

I do not have the strength to argue anymore, to try to explain anything to her over again and frankly enough is enough.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (3) | Permalink

STUCK

May 29, 2011 12:23am (EST)

I don't know how to go about working..i tried working but in my mind I basically was living two different lifes. It's like when I get around people I might as well be saying oh nothing happened just do the same thing you use to do but I can't do that. I continuously get upset because I need money & at home, I mention how difficult it is for me to be around people they take it so light as if I just don't like people but they don't understand it makes me sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo frustrated. I get so paranoid around people it's really draining, I keep wondering if that feeling is normal but greiving is not normal to me so I just try not to figure out what's next or why this is going on. It's just difficult when no one around gets it.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (2) | Permalink

BOOKS?

May 03, 2011 11:39pm (EST)

have any of you read or heard of any good books to read on coping with infant loss? I've been needing some positive words.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (4) | Permalink

RARE HAPPY MOMENT

May 02, 2011 11:53pm (EST)

The news came on last night and the first thing they showed was the March of Dimes walk at the beach. I was taken off guard how my emotions went sky high & saw all these people walking in memory of their babies.
I felt happy.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (3) | Permalink

SPEECHLESS SPEECHLESS SPEECHLESS

Apr 27, 2011 03:32pm (EST)

WOW okay so during my pregnancy i cut off a lot of my friends that I had because they were mentally much younger than me or they had unecessary things going on in their life that i couldnt relate to which is good because I had my fam, my bestfriend & Shiloh's dad.

But yesterday i was informed that a previous friend of mine was 12 weeks preg and decided to have an abortion. (SPEECHLESS)
I thank the Lord i have the ability to read people and that I had been decided to not associate with her but is it weird that i feel sad and have this peircing ANGER with her in my mind?? She knew what i ahd to go through with Shiloh & the pain i went through & now..WOW. Like im really upset! But i keep praying that i dont focus on that but idk i feel personally slapped in the face.

I probably need to stop taken it so personal..right.

What do yall think.....

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (3) | Permalink

REALITY OF IT ALL/ MAY 7TH

Apr 25, 2011 02:55am (EST)

Mixed feelings and emotions have been going on. Reality is catching up with my mind...or the other way around..when I left the hospital I made myself numb to alot of things including her actually not physically being here with me. Life is finally catching up with me and it is draining! Time goes by fast! Shiloh wouldve been a little over three months, & I have no idea what a 3 month old looks like. I was contemplating wether or not i would go to church today on Easter because I didnt want to see how cute these little girls looked in their dresses and my baby wouldve been the cutest lol i went.
Doctor appt went great, nice strong heart beat I'm so cautiously in love and I feel closer to my angel.
For some reason I have this gigantic lack of motivation when it comes to work..i don't know, I still have my awkward guard up when it comes to being around people. But I'm trying.

May 7th ill be going back to charlottesville for a memorial ceremony for all of the little ones whos life we remember. Yep..ill be making that trip where I spent my last days with her. B I T T E R / S W E E T. Im happy about it, i must say that ive been feeling very alone about this whole thing. & it bothers me how i feel as if no one around here talks about her as much as I think they should & i know i feel that way because Im her mother and she is constantly on my mind. I wish i could go to charlottesville to the hopsital all the time to get away,,to have my quiet times and have it feel like old times with it being just her & I.
Although im always hurting and in pain..our good moments way out the bad ones any time.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (1) | Permalink

MANNNN

Apr 13, 2011 11:08pm (EST)

I am really about to quit no exchange my job! Because it is so ridiculous,i mean beyond ridiculous. Right now my priority is provide hope and a safe environment for my future baby and learning to ride this crazy emotional roller coaster of my Shiloh not being with her. I'm really happy she can live a better healthier perfect life although the pain of her not being here is a nightmare
I've made a pretty decent amount of money so I can say that! Praying for a better tomorrow.
thank you guys for all the suport.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (2) | Permalink

I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOIN ON WITH ME

Apr 04, 2011 02:20am (EST)

With all the things goin on right now..(its a lot of things) but from losing Shiloh everything is no comparison. I found myself crying at least 3 times a day! Maybe it hormones mixing in with reality.. I mean I've realized that she's gone the fact is in my soul with every thought but idk somethings come over me lately? It's possibly time for another counsler appt but idk if I can squeeze it in with this work scheduale. & work..its fun but complex. I go home and feel like I should walk through the door and see my little girl in a play pen. It's just a lot I just keep praying...

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (3) | Permalink

THIS WEEK HAS BEEN SOMETHIN ELSE

Mar 31, 2011 03:02am (EST)

I haven't been writing probably as much as I should I've just been occuping my mind with too many things. Work has been different it's hard for me to stay concentrated and it seems as if the littlest things get me overwhelmed! But I'm not going too be hard on myself...new job, new people, and I'm living a different life.
My coworkers are entertaining and my trainer always start off with a positive message for the morning so I just have to keep pressing on.
I talk to Shiloh at night & tell her to keep her mommy strong through all these changes that have been happening. Then I cry because I miss her & I'm glad I cry.

I've been constantly paranoid about this preg no scented lotions or soap I barely use makeup I wash my hands after I do jus about anything lol

I have to say this life is hard & unsual now but I can say that is has gotten better.

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (2) | Permalink

POSITIVE

Mar 21, 2011 03:02am (EST)

Well it has been a little over two months since I've had to say goodbye to my beautiful Shiloh. It's been two weeks since I've started ttc & have been way too anxious to take a preg test. I took one and there were the two lines

. I'm very happy but my bd and I are keeping it on the low to protect ourselves but I couldn't be more happier! I've been & will continue to pray for healthyness all around and peace escpecialy peace.
Keep us in yall prayers....

Also I start work on wednesday, looking forwardd

Posted by Mommy of angel Shiloh | Comments: (3) | Permalink

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