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ehbeagle

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IT ALL CAME RUSHING BACK...

Jul 19, 2010 01:59pm (EST)

I should be paying my bills, but I just learned that a friend of mine delivered her baby last night 2 months early. Suddenly it all came rushing back. The fear. The pit in the bottom of my stomach. The questions. The guilt. I can't stop crying.

It is so sad that after 3 and a half years the emotions are still there, buried just under the surface reading to show their ugly head. I DON"T want to feel this again. I want to FORGET! I DON"T want anyone to go through it. There are just TOO many. WHY?

I feel ashamed. I am so blessed. My son is surprisingly healthy. He does not have ANY problems due to his early birth. We were so lucky. So, why am I still feeling all of this? Will it ever go away? Will there be a day when I can look at another preemie without tears in my eyes? I should be thinking of my friend, but all I can do is REMEMBER. I won't to be able to be support her, but how can I if I can't stop crying?

Please remember her and her miracle in your prayers. She was told some time ago that she would never have children. Then she discovered that she was 4 months preg.! This preg. has been difficult from the beginning. She has HB and diabetes. She went into preterm labor at 21 weeks and had a cerclage put in. This baby is already a miracle.

As always thanks for listening and God bless,

Elizabeth

Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (3) | Permalink

MOTHER'S DAY

May 09, 2010 09:29pm (EST)

Today in Sunday school we had a lesson about mother's in the Bible. THere were the typical stories like Eve and Mary and Hannah, but as always, it was Hannah's story that got to me the most. I identify with Hannah in so many ways. As I was listening, I was reminded of the time when I also prayed for a child. When I was finally preg. again, my father died (named Samuel) and it just seemed fitting that we would name our son Samuel. Samuel means "asked of the Lord". If you don't know the story of Hannah here is a summary.

Hannah was barren and prayed almost daily for a child, specifically a male child. THe Bible says that God answered her prayers and opened her womb. Hannah promised to give the child back to God to work in his service. When Samuel turned 3 Hannah fulfilled her promise and took her son to live with the priest and to become a servant of God. Once a year Hannah visited her son.

A little family history...My grandmother had 11 children. One child died at 9 months of SIDS. Knowing that she was likely to get preg. again, she prayed to God for a son. She just didn't think that she could have another girl after loosing Mariam. GOd answered her prayers and sent her Samuel, my father.

Today as I listened to the story again, my thoughts were drawn to my boys. Sam is such a blessing and definatley sent to me by God. I have often referred to him as my healing child. His pregnancy and birth were so wonderful, even though fraught with worry and complications. THen I thought of my Tucker who is just 3. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for Hannah to take her baby and leave him. To be honest, I don't know if I could have done it. I don't think God would have punished her if she did not keep her promise, but I think that it speaks volumes about her faith and love for her child. Because of her faithfulness, Hannah went on to have 5 more children, and Samuel became one of the most important prophets and judges in Jewish history.

On another notes, I had nursery duty today and was in awe as I watched my preemie play. I remember so clearly wondering if he would ever be like "other" children, if he would be "normal". He amazes me everyday. He was playing with his "girlfriend", and he was pretending! He was pretending to ring a door bell (ding dong). I just about burst out in tears. I know it is sappy, but I was reminded of the miracle that he is.

I can't sign off without mentioning my daughter, Hannah. She is turning into such a beautiful, young lady. I am so proud of her! She is an excellent student, a gifted singer and writer, and an awesome soccer guard! Yes, she is a preteen, and we have our moments, but all in all, she is such a blessing.

Today I celebrate mother's day with so much love and pride and yet with a little sadness that my angels are not with me. I often wonder what they would look like, what they might be doing, etc. My comfort comes in the knowledge that I will be re-united with them one day, until then, they are in heaven with all the other angels.

I hope all the mommies out there in Share have a great, blessed day. Happy Mother's day and God bless,

Elizabeth

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Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (2) | Permalink

JUST NEED TO VENT

Apr 12, 2010 12:09am (EST)

As the title indicates, I need to vent and this is the only place where I can without being judged.

There is a young girl at my church who is expecting her 2nd child soon. She is 38 weeks along in a perfect pregnancy. She is over being pregnant and keeps posting things on her Facebook profile, like this "pray he comes EARLY." She has been doing this for weeks now. I know that she doesn't understand, but I just want to yell at her sometimes, "No, you don't want early!!!" Not even a few weeks. She is a really sweet person and doesn't wish any harm for her unborn child, but it just makes me mad and sad.

I NEVER had a perfect pregnancy. From the start I was always worried about losing the baby. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 11 weeks. My naive ignorance was over. From that point on, I was never able to enjoy being pregnant. I was preg. 5 times and never enjoyed being pregnant. I was always a nervous wreck. Why?

Life is not fair and we were never promised a life free from sadness or tragedy. This is what I keep telling myself, but sometimes I just want to scream. I sit here at 41 years of age knowing that I will never have a chance to experience the "perfect pregnancy", never be filled with joy and innocence. I believe that there is a reason for everything otherwise my children died in vain and that is just not something I can accept. I am just sad that I was robbed. We were robbed, and it stinks.

THanks for letting me vent. You guys are great. God bless,

Elizabeth

Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (4) | Permalink

WHY I MARCH

Mar 31, 2010 12:58am (EST)

Three years ago we faced one of the worst nightmares parents can imagine. Our son was born 2 months early. He spent 28 long days in the NICU. Today, he is a healthy, happy three year old. I never would have imagined that the March of Dimes would become so important to me, but Tucker changed all of that.

I walk…

• Because Tucker was one of the lucky ones. Had it not been for Surfactant therapy, he may not have survived

• Because I have two angel babies.

• Because I have three living blessings - Hannah, Sam, and Tucker

• Because I care, for I have been there.

• Because I almost lost my faith.

• Because others walked before me.

• Because 500,000 babies are born prematurely each year.

• Because 120,000 are born with birth defects annually.

•Because 28,000 babies die before their first birthday each year.

• Because there is still work to be done.

• Because we ARE making a difference.

Tucker

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Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (1) | Permalink

RETURN TO THE NICU

Mar 02, 2010 02:56am (EST)

I have finally fulfilled my 2009 New Year’s Eve resolution. At the end of 2008, I made a resolution to finally volunteer at the NICU where Tucker stayed. While I have not spent as much time there as I wanted, I am proud to announce the completion of two projects that I started in 2009. The first was the gift bags that my girls group at church put together. The bags contained various items (preemie clothes, inspirational books, journals, etc) and were meant to bring some cheer and hope to the parents of recent preemies. I saw the culmination of this project when I delivered 15 gifts bags to the NICU on the anniversary of Tucker’s homecoming (Dec. 31st). Two days later I received an email from the charge nurse telling me that she gave one of the bags to a parent whose baby had a particularly hard day. The nurse told me that the bag gave her renewed hope and brought a smile to her tear-stained face. I was overcome when I received the news. This was EXACTLY what I was hoping for. We all know that it is easy to lose hope in the NICU and smiles fade fast while a parent watches helplessly as her child struggles. So, mission accomplished!

The next project was to get the Ladies Ministries group at my church to make blankets for the NICU. This took some doing, but after 2 months the ladies made 15 quilts. We had a special blessing ceremony at the church as our pastor anointed and prayed over each one. This weekend, me and my husband returned to the NICU to deliver these special gifts. Again, I was thrilled to know that the gift was appreciated, and we were assured that the blankets would go home with a family. This was the first time that my husband had been back. It brought back an overwhelming flood of unexpected emotions for him, and so we left rather quickly. All in all, I am again so proud to have accomplished my second mission.

My third mission is to work with the nurses and help support a parent’s support group. I was pleased when I received a call tonight from one of the nurses who leads the monthly nurses meetings. She wanted to know what my experience was and if I had any suggestions for improvement. I told her that I felt very isolated and alone and that this created fear. I stated that while I understand that the nurse’s first priority is the babies, I also felt it was necessary to help find support for the parents. She agreed with me and asked if she could call me back after their meeting to see what could be done. I said, “Absolutely!” I think at that point I was screaming and jumping up and down! It has taken me 3 years to finally give back, but I am pleased that I have been able to do this much and hope to do so much more.

On another note, my March for Babies team is NOT coming along like I would like. I have changed schools this year, and I have been trying to get approval to start a team. So far, I have not gotten anywhere. It looks like my team will be rather small this year, but every dime counts, right? I will post an update soon.

It has been a while since I updated on the kids so here is the quick and dirty…

Hannah is turning into a young woman right before my eyes. It is so hard to believe that 11 years ago, I brought home my first child. She continues to do well in school and is looking for to soccer season to begin in a couple of weeks. When I say “woman” I meant literally. She has started her journey with the arrival of her monthly cycle. She was prepared and knew exactly what was happening because I sat her down last summer and explained everything to her. Right now, she still thinks it is kind of cool, and it is, but I still cannot help but weep.

Sam is my sweetheart. He LOVES school and is so eager to get up and go every day. Again, I can’t believe how quickly he is growing up. He will start kindergarten next year! Where is my little baby? He has a great personality and continues to remind me of my DAD. Recently he was diagnosed with Allergies and we have started him on Allegra and Flonase. They seem to be helping. HE is looking forward to having a “big boy” birthday party in a few months and inviting all of her friends from school.

Tucker continues to be my stubborn little man. Right now bedtime has become a real issue. HE simply will not go to sleep! HE continues to get out of his bed, turn the light on, make all kinds of noise, and wake up Sam. Nothing seems to work. If anyone has any good suggestions on room sharing, I would gladly appreciate any advice you have to offer. I am at my wits end. On another note, he is HUGE! My little preemie is not a preemie anymore! As a matter of fact, he weighs 4 pounds more than his older brother! He is also quickly catching up to Sam in height as well. Currently he is sick fighting a bacterial virus and a cold. He has been on antibiotics for 5 days now and while the fever is gone, his cough and congestion is not. Another stubborn streak is his “undesired” to potty train. He wants nothing to do with it! I have decided to wait until summer to try again. He still has another year and a half before he even starts pre-school so I guess we have plenty of time. Besides knowing him, potty training will come on his time, lol.

SO that’s all for now. I have attached a couple of pics. God bless,

Elizabeth

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Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (5) | Permalink

THREE YEARS AGO TODAY

Dec 31, 2009 03:44pm (EST)

Three years ago today was one of the happiest days of my life. It was the day we finally got to bring our tiny miracle home. I remember every detail of that day...

THe night before we were told that TUcker might get to go home the next day. He just had one hurdle, an echocardiagram of his heart. They wanted to ensure that his PDA had not re opened. He was to have the last scan done the next morning. I couldn't contain myself! Everything was ready, he had passed all the other test-carseat, eye test, hearing test, etc. I was desperate to bring him home and put the whole terrible nightmare behind us. Little did I know then that his early birth and NICU stay would remain with us forever. So, I went home around 12 am that night and could not sleep. I tossed and turned all night waiting for the call to come get my baby. Finally at 9:32 am the call came! We made arrangements for our other kids to go with grandparents to church so we would be free to pick Tucker up when the call came. As soon as we got the call, we were on our way.

When we got to the hospital we had to wait for the cardiologist to sign off on his release. It took over an hour! Finally she came by to speak to us and sign his papers. We were finally ready, but no, then we had to go through all the paper work with his charge nurse. Another delay! All I wanted to do was grab my son and run. She finally gave us the OK to start dressing him. She removed all his leads and for the first time, I got to hold my son, just my son. What an amazing feeling!

I dressed him in the special preemie outfit I had bought for this special day. I remember thinking in amazement that it was a little big even at 5 lb 10 oz. As we were preparing to leave my heart sank again when I was told that I could not carry my own son out of the hospital. It was hospital policy that the charge nurse escort us to the main entrance and SHE had to carry my baby. No fair, I was cheated again! I tried not to let it bother me and we began to say our good-byes. There were so many nurses and doctors that cared for our son. I will be forever thankful for them.

We walked to the car and placed our son in his car seat. He seemed to swim in the seat that was too large for him, but he seemed fine, all snuggely, warm, and safe. My husband loaded him in his seat as I jumped in the back next to him. I wanted to be able to see him because I was scared he would stop breathing or something.

We made it home and began our life together. Our other kids came home along with the rest of the family to celebrate Tucker's homecoming.

Tucker came home on new year's eve. We did not attend any year end bashes, nor did we stay up late to usher in the new year, but it was the best new years ever!

Today, in honor of Tucker's 3 year anniversary, we are taking the gift bags to the NICU where he stayed. I am so happy to finally see this to fruition. Thanks for celebrating we me and God bless,

Elizabeth

going home

home at last

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Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (4) | Permalink

CHRISTMAS HO HUM

Dec 23, 2009 02:46pm (EST)

Hello Share Friends! I have been trying to figure out why I have felt so down the last couple of weeks. Yes, I have been under a great deal of stress at home and work, but I usually LOVE this time of year. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and realized that Christmas has not been the same for the last couple of years. THen it dawned on me this morning as I was rocking my sick little boy, Tucker.

I had flash backs to his NICU days. You see Tucker spent his first Christmas in the NICU. I remember when he was born, we had hopes that he would be home by Christmas, then the roller coaster ride began. I remember feeling so guilty "celebrating" Christmas while my baby lie in his isolette all alone. What I wanted to do was spend all day by his side, but the reality was that we had 2 children at home who needed their Christmas traditions to remain as close to normal as possible. So, we decided that we would go about our regular Christmas routine for them. They had already been put through so much. Hannah had only seen Tucker a few times in the hospital and Sam was not old enough to visit. All he knew was the mommy and daddy were gone a lot.

So, that first Christmas was very difficult. I forced a smile on my face and secretly hated myself for being such a terrible mom. I should have been with ALL of my children on Christmas. I went through all the motions without really feeling anything except sadness. When we finally made it to the NICU, I felt so guilty thinking about my little baby being alone on Christmas. I know that he will never remember it, but I will never forget it.

So, Christmas has never really been the same for me. I cannot help but be reminded of the worst nightmare of my life. I know that I should be happy, and I am. We are so fortunate. Tucker did come home, and he is healthy, but his early birth and NICU stay have left all of us permantly scared.

It is not easy having a baby born so early, and it is not easy having your baby in the NICU during the holidays. So my girls club at church as put together gift packages for the families with preemies in the hospital where TUcker stayed. I am so PROUD of them. We were able to put together 15 packages with preemie clothes, books for Kangaroo care, toys, journals, and gift cards. We hope that this small token will brighten the darkness of the NICU for a few families.

Merry Christmas to you all and God bless,

Elizabeth

I have attached a few pic:

TUcker in the NICU with Santa

Hannah

Sam and TUcker

Hannah, Sam, and Tucker

Gift packages for NICU

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Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (3) | Permalink

BIRTHDAY ROUND TWO

Dec 09, 2009 01:41am (EST)

Today we celebrated my baby girl's 11th birthday. I cannot believe that she is growing up so quickly. I know I say this all the time, but where does the time go? I have so many things going on in my life, but one thing I try very hard to do is to keep my priorities in order. I truly cherish my children and try very hard to let them know it. Life is too precious. I don't want to wake up one day and regret that I did not spend enough time with my children, always putting other things first. I know too many people who put themselves, their houses and cars, their bank accounts, etc before their children. One day they will realize that all the things they planned to do with their kids are lost forever. You only get that time once. It is too precious to to waste on things that really don't really matter. So sad.

Today I picked Hannah up from school to take her to lunch and spend so much needed mommy-daughter time together. It was a complete surprise! We had a great time. I am so proud of her and love her soooo..... much. She is my first born. She will always hold a special place in my heart. I hope that this is one day that she will never forget. I know that I won't.

As she grows older, I struggle with letting go. I don't want her to grow up and drift away from me, but how can I stop her? I can't keep her locked up forever (trust me, I am tempted ). All I can do is trust that the love and respect that her Daddy and I have shown her will carry her through and that the faith the she is building will be the building blocks of a strong, foundation for her life.

I am so proud of the young woman she is becoming and so proud to be her mother.

Happy birthday baby girl, I love you! God bless,

Elizabeth

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Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (3) | Permalink

CAN YOU BELIEVE TUCKER IS 3?

Dec 05, 2009 12:39am (EST)

Yes, it's true, my little miracle turned 3 today. As we celebrate his birthday today I was once again amazed at my miracle boy. You would never know that when he was born 3 years ago we wondered if he would make it or not. He is just as big as his 4 year old brother, has no health problems, and speaks in complete sentences. He has been going around all day signing Happy Birthday to himself, too cute. Even amidst all the celebration, I could not help but go back to that day that changed my life forever.

Tucker made his entry into this world 2 months early. I remember crying in the delivery room, "It's too soon. He won't make it. How could I have done this to him?" My mom was by my side reminding me that she had two preemies over 40 years before who survived and that my son would also. I was not convinced. When I finally got to see my son again, over 8 hours later, all I could do is cry. He was so tiny, struggling to breath. It was just the beginning of our 28 day nightmare. During that time, I learned so much about love and faith. Now, three years later, I can't look at my son without thanking God for my miracle.

So, Happy Birthday Day TUcker! Mommy loves you! God bless,

Elizabeth

Pictures:

Cake - I am almost ashamed of this "wreck" of a cake. All I can say is that I don't bake!

Tucker- My 3 year old miracle!

THat's yummy cake!

Presents!

TUcker had his cars (The boy sleeps with them)

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Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (5) | Permalink

SCARY PUMPKIN PIES AND TRICK-OR-TREAT

Nov 06, 2009 01:20am (EST)

Tucker LOVES the Halloween season (can you call it a season?). Anyway, he LOVES what he calls "scary pumpkin pies" aka pumpkins. For weeks he would delightfully point out all the pumpkins he saw, "See Mommy? See the scary pumpkin pies?" It was soooo.... cute. Then as Halloween got closer, we carved our "pumpkin pie". He was so excited as my husband carved the pumpkin, but when it was done and we set it on the porch with a light in it, he was scared. He did NOT like our scary pumpkin pie! He made us close the door. He talked about the scary pumpkin pie when he went to bed that night and when he woke up the next morning It was hilarious. By Halloween, he was better. He actually walked up the steps and passed the "scary pumpkin pie" without crying.

As for trick-or-treating, Tucker really enjoyed himself. It was so cute to watch him discover the fun of Halloween. He came home with a bucket full of candy. The next morning he woke up and wanted to go trick-or-treating again. lol. It took some time to explain to him that you only trick-or-treat once a year.

I have to take a moment and brag about my sweetheart, Sam. I am just so proud of him. After going to each house, without prompting from me or daddy, he said, "Happy Halloween and thank you!" I was about to burst from pride. Not many 4 year old remember to say thank you!

I have attached a few pics of my trick-or-treaters for your amusement. Thanks and GOd bless,

Elizabeth

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Posted by ehbeagle | Comments: (8) | Permalink

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