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jack-n-kates_mom

September 2010

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A NEW CHAPTER

Jun 08, 2009 04:27am (EST)

I literally closed the door on an old chapter and began a one, and I mean literally. I am in my new place and yesterday I went to the old house and made sure I had everything, plus I needed to clean it and then when I left, before closing the door, I looked down the long hallway from the living room into the family room and said (and this is weird) "I'm ready for the next chapter." What was weird was I said it outloud, yes I'm a little nuts.

You know how your always trying to find blame for when bad things happen, well I blamed that house. A few months after we moved in, Jack was 2 and he fell and hit his head and had to have stitches, Brett got pneumonia while there and he's usually very healthy and never gets anything besides a mild cold, then Kate died, then the miscarriage then becoming separated. I know this sounds stupid but I blamed that house for all of it. I guess because nothing bad had ever happened to us until we moved into that place. Stupid I know, and I know it's not the house, it's just a way for my mind to ease itself I guess.

I have moved into my new place, and while it's small it is mine. Jack's room is awesome, the brand new Star Wars room and since I don't have a mantle in the new place Kate's small ashes in the prayer box are here beside me and I like that.

The dog loves having a big patio, but hates that she has to be walked and can't just be let outside. Going to the bathroom is an issue for her while on a leash. She doesn't go in the house ever, she just holds it forever and a day. She'll get the hang of it, we're all getting the hang of it. I miss my garage, but love my big laundry room. I miss my big back yard, but love that everything is on one floor now. I miss my loft because thats where I worked, but love that Jack has his own little space to go to. His closet is a little boys dream. Heck, he even has cable in his closet. Plus it's a brand new Star Wars room minus the character beeding (I don't do character bedding) but very cool pictures on the wall and still a few to hang. Plus he has his own bathroom. He told me there are rules to his bathroom. Girls can only use his bathroom two times per person. I'm allowed to use it two times per day and then I have use mine. LOL Well at least he's sharing a little bit.

This new place is great though. I've met some neighbors and they are all very friendly. Jack is excited to meet some kids and get to the pool (me too!!). Our new place is only three years old, has brand new carpet, new everything and I've already noticed Jack's allergies improving. He's not coughing every morning and the sneezing has really decreased. The place we lived in before was built in the late 70s, early 80s and while it was nice and big, it was old and I'm sure mold was in that house somewhere.

Speaking of new things, my 33-weeker graduated Kindergarten and they say he is more than ready for 1st grade. I'm so proud of him, but hate that yesterday he came to me saying his legs hurt and when he showed me where, I told him it was growing pains. It just means he's not going to be a little boy for very long. They do grow up WAY too fast.

Love,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (11) | Permalink

SEARCHING

May 24, 2009 02:36pm (EST)

Every year the day after I visit Kate's grave for Memorial weekend I get bummed and this year seems to be the worse yet. Everything is so different now. It's like I have to do everything all over again, grieve for Kate, give answers to Jack about the questions he has about Kate and about his dad. I'm starting over I guess.

I'm searching for answers again, reasons for everything. I just get so bummed after I "visit" her. I was doing great, excited about the big move and I still am, I'm just wondering what God has in store for me. Whats the big plan? Surely, he's going to show me soon. I'm starting to wear down, and I'm waiting for whatever God wants me to do and to show me. He's going to mold me into something and I'm to the point that I'm ready for him to show me.

There are some other things going on. I went out with an old friend on Sunday, actually an ex-boyfriend. There are no feelings there, it was totally not a date, but it made me realize that I don't know how to date. I've been with one person for so long I don't see guys as date potential. I only know how to be a friend to a guy, but seeing that ex-boyfriend really confused me. And again, no it's not him I want to date. It was like hanging out with a great friend that I haven't seen in years and the truth is I haven't seen him in years. So I'm searching for answers there, but the thing is I don't want to date yet, I'm so not ready for that yet. I've got too much on my plate, too much to worry about someone else. Maybe I'm just looking for affection, attention...something. Maybe I need to have a tantrum, right Lauren? Maybe thats what I need.

I've discovered while going out that night that I have so much more greiving to do. I've learned how I grieve after Kate, but I don't know how to grieve for her on my own. I don't have that person to turn to who gets it, even though he wasn't there for me, he still got it. I have to tell my story all over again to new people and not freak people out about my history.

Hopefully I get these answers or God shows me what I'm supposed to be doing.

Peace and love,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink

PICTURES AS PROMISED

May 20, 2009 06:41am (EST)

I promised I would post some pictures and I am. A few from our March for Babies walk, some from the horse park where I met this amazing person named Kelly. Our daughters were stillborn on the same day, just a few hours apart and then we had miscarriages a week apart. Funny how much we have in common that is just utterly life-changing, yet I found a new friend in all of this stuff. Even funnier how we had the same phone and our phones are just super weird.

This friend Kelly is a lot like Share, understanding, sympathetic, strong for me and like Kelly, Share is a place I can turn to where I don't feel alone in this journey that I'm on. Having a premature baby, losing my daughter and then a miscarriage, it's a lot for one person to go through. They say it takes a village to raise a child, well it takes a village to get through what all of us have gone through on Share.

For now, here are the pictures!!

Kelly

1. Me and my neighbor and one of my good friends. She works for Citi Bank.
2. Both of my neighbors holding up Nurses Appreciation signs at our March for Babies.
3. Jack breakdancing on Mother's Day at a restaurant.
4. Me and Kelly after going to the Kentucky Horse Park.
5. Jack being Spongebob at my sisters this past weekend. There were bicycle races and all kinds of stuff. We had so much fun.

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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (9) | Permalink

MY MARCH FOR BABIES

May 12, 2009 05:00am (EST)

Louisville's March for Babies was Saturday the 9th. I've never done my city's walk, I've always done my hometown's walk because my team was in my hometown. That is a smaller walk, and my team is my family. This year, with all that is going on I didn't have the time or the energy to get all of this going. I sent out the e-mails for people to sign up but no one did. I did a blog a few months ago saying I didn't think I could do it this year, but after all of the great comments, I realized it didn't matter if no one signed up to be on my team, I was my team and I could do something. So I did. I didn't raise very much money, but that doesn't mean I can't continue to raise money throughout the year doing different projects.

What I did at my March for Babies this year seemed more meaningful to me, especially after the past few months. With Mother's Day being the next day, it was time for projects for the NICU and the antepartum moms. We made flowers out of magazines (very cool) and at the walk the NICU Family Support Specialist and myself took pictures of mission families and other people holding up signs that said Happy Mother's Day, We're rooting for you and your little one, thinking of you and walking for you and your baby. We also had the same people hold up nurses appreciation week signs. Once we had about 200 pictures taken I left the walk before everyone got back and had all of those developed.

After developing the pictures we put the Happy Mother's Day pictures on cardstock and tied those around our magazine flowers. The nurses pictures went on a big white board for the NICU nurses and the antepartum nurses. I got the privelage of delivering the flowers to the NICU, CCN and also to the antepartum floor. What hit me the most was a mom on the antepartum floor. She had just delivered her baby that morning and due to her circumstances she didn't want to be moved to the Mother/Baby unit. I could tell she was young. I told her Happy Mother's Day and asked her how her baby was doing and she said she didn't know, that she was giving her baby up for adoption.

I started crying. Now I've ran into parents before who were giving their baby up for adoption, but on the day before Mother's Day I knew this had to be especially difficult for her. I thanked her, told her she was courageous and because of her people like her I could still have another child. I told her that since I am no longer able to have my own child, I know that if it wasn't for her, she wouldn make it possible for me to do it. The dad was there and he was right by her side, patting her hand. I know that had to be difficult. Before I asked her about her baby I told her that the March for Babies walk was that morning, and the pictures are from the walk. After she told me about the adoption, she said maybe doing stuff with the March of Dimes and walking in March for Babies could be something she could do for her daughter and to remember her first child.

So now I don't feel so bad about not getting my huge team together again, but I feel like I recruited another volunteer and another walker, maybe even started another team for next year.

And Mother's Day for me..well thats a story for another day...tomorrow...definitely tomorrow.

Much love,

Kelly

P.S. Pictures to come.

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (7) | Permalink

BEING A MOTHER

May 03, 2009 01:43pm (EST)

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (9) | Permalink

BABY KATE

Apr 20, 2009 06:59pm (EST)

Jack was 3 when Kate died and we tried to explain to him the best we could without scaring him. He was okay with it. We told him that sometimes God just needs those special babies with him to watch over us. So far that answer has worked.

This past weekend we had a blast. My good friend Michelle and her daughter Hailey came down for Thunder over Lousiville, the big kickoff to Derby stuff. During that time, Jack and Hailey got all of his stuffed animals out and put them on his bed. He also found a Ty beanie baby, but one of the bigger ones. He got that when he had an MRI done at the hospital when he was 1. It's such a pretty bear, it's all white and has silver and white angel wings. He's named the bear baby Kate, well ever since Sunday anyway.

Everynight about 4 in the morning he goes to the bathroom and then quietly climbs in bed with me. I don't ever hear a thing until I feel two cold feet go into my back about 7 in the morning. Last night he brought that bear with him to my bed. Today before he left to go to school he had to go get baby Kate to put her back in his room. He's been asking a lot about Kate lately, wanting to know more detail, asking about baby Sam. Why did they have to get dead, is Kate an angel, can she see me, why isn't she here, what would she look like? Honestly, it just brings me to tears. I tell him that God had to take Kate because he needed her and that it made me realize what an awesome kid he is and that I get to spend all of our time together. He's still asking for a baby brother. I just smile and say, I think he's the best kid anyone can ask for and that sometimes moms and dads get one kid and sometimes mom and dads get 18 kids, but whatever God has planned is right for our family. It's tough, but I think its what he needs to hear.

Tonight though, tonight it got me. I was reading him a book before bed and he had ALL of his animals on the bed, ranging from a bear bigger than him to a snake, chicken, Reds dog, meowing cat, and of course baby Kate. I asked him what he wanted to sleep on the other side of him and he said, "I want to sleep with my sister," and proceeded to kiss the bear and lay the bear gently beside me, between him and me. Wow, his sister. He shouldn't have to drage a bear around pretending its his sister. NOT FAIR!!

Okay, so that pulled at my heartstrings and yet made me proud. It brings tears just thinking about it and bringing back all of those emotions. The love my son has for his sister is amazing to me. He never met her, never held her, never saw her, only on the ultrasound but they had a connection even then.

He's getting older and I know he's going to start asking more and more questions. I hope I'm giving him answers that not only will suffice for now, but aren't over the top for his 5-year-old brain to try to wrap around.

I hate all that my son has been through. Nothing bad ever happened to me when I was his age. My grandfather died when I was 4 but I didn't understand and I don't remember him much, yet here is Jack, losing a sister, then another sibling to being a kid of divorced parents. He doesn't deserve this.

I really keep thinking its going to get better, I really do, especially for Jack. Hopefully it will.

I'm usually not a Debbie Downer, but I know you all understand where I'm coming from, yet I'm sorry you do understand, but I'm so thankful for that.

Much love,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (9) | Permalink

QUESTIONS

Apr 13, 2009 06:33am (EST)

Through this whole separation/whatever you call it, Jack has been awesome. I told him that sometimes moms and dads are better when friends when they don't live together and until now he has accepted that, until yesterday. First, let me start off by saying my Easter was great. I finagled my way into getting Jack Saturday night and Sunday until 3. It was supposed to be a "daddy weekend", but I told Brett that he could sleep in on Sunday and that I would take Jack to church so woohoo for me. I just gotta keep this up for the next 13 years so I can have Jack on all holidays. Oops, did I just say that outloud.

Anyway, after church Jack and I went to one of our friends house where all of our friends were and their boys (all have boys the same age) and we had Easter lunch there. I told Brett I would have Jack back to him by 3 o'clock which I did. Anyway, on the way back over to his dads, Jack asked me to stay a little bit at his dads place and hang out. I've told him before that girls weren't allowed. Well that was just stupid, because Brett's roommate has a daughter who is 23 who is there visiting sometimes. Jack told me that girls were allowed so I told him girls who are 30 years old aren't allowed. He said oh...and he then asked me when dad was coming home. ugh, how do you answer that without making his dad sound bad. I wanted to say, your dad doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me, but honestly that would be a lie. I truly don't want to be with him either, yet I would take him back in a heartbeat if he was willing to stop playing the game and change his ways back to his old self but I know thats not happening.

I told Jack that his dad is happy living with Larry and that right now dad just wants to be with him (Jack) and grandma and papaw. I just didn't know how to answer that. I told him that dad and I don't want to be married anymore...and then I just stopped. I shouldn't be doing this, I wasn't going to get divorced, that wasn't going to be me. I didn't want to be another statistic. I've been a statistic too many times and now Jack has too.

I've been feeling this guilt for a while now. Guilty for not keeping Jack in and preventing his premature birth. Guilty for not knowing Kate was gone until I didn't hear her heartbeat. Guilty for not making my marriage work. I have learned that Jack isn't going to benefit from my guilt. I refuse to buy him things to make up for his dad not being here, thats not going to help anything. Actually I've given Jack more responsibilities that now he has to help me a lot so he takes out the trash, takes his dinner plate to the sink and will even put the silverware up out of the dishwasher. I told him that he and I have to work as a team and he's been amazing through all of this. Just the little things he does makes me feel better. For example, last week I went to his school to take him his lunchbox because it was not a good cafeteria day, (gross food) and I met him there in his lunchroom. He sat down and while eating he was rubbing my back. Seriously, could I have asked for a better kid, such a sweetie.

We are going to have a live chat on April 21st at 2 pm EST about feeling Guilty. Liza Cooper, March of Dimes staffer and NICU Family Support Director will be our guest host. Please join us on that day if you can. I know we've all felt guilt at one time or another.

Much love,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink

WONDERING

Apr 08, 2009 06:48am (EST)

I've been wondering a lot about different things. Would my marriage still be intact if Kate would have lived? I wonder if he would have left anyway? I wonder what my life would be like being a single mom with two kids, one 5 and one 2. Sometimes I wonder how much child support he would have to pay for two kids. Sometimes I wonder if he would get both kids on his day. I don't know why I have these thoughts, I guess it's the same as me wondering what Kate would be doing if she were here right now. Sometimes I think that if Kate were here none of this would have happened, but then I wonder if Kate were here, would he be here because of Jack and Kate being so little. How dare him lie to me for a year and a half about loving me, about wanting to be with me. I knew the answer all along, but he has never lied to me before so I didn't have a reason not to believe him. I just thought he needed some space and some time to turn himself around.

And then sometimes I wonder if Kate had to leave so I could get through this. Going through what I'm going through now is a piece of cake compared to losing your baby. This is a walk in the park. Yes I have mourned the loss of my marriage, but its nothing like losing your baby. When you lose your baby you don't want to be in public, you don't want to see pregnant people. Losing your marriage isn't as difficult as that. Sometimes I see couples out and sometimes, very rarely, do I wish that were me. Mostly I'm glad it's not. LOL Mostly I'm glad that I don't have to deal with making someone else happy besides myself and Jack. Mostly I'm glad I don't have more laundry to do, more stuff to pick up and mostly I'm glad that I never have to cook big meals, but sometimes it would be nice to pick up after someone else, have someone there to hang out with in the evenings, but I'm used to things being like this. Brett checked himself out a long time ago and this is what I've gotten used to. It's hard to miss someone who hasn't been there for so long.

I've been through worse and I'll get through this. I don't like to say things happened for a reason, but I wonder sometimes if losing Kate was just a way to prepare me for this. Nothing bad has ever happened to me until I lost Kate and since then I've had two more bad things happened (miscarriage and now this), but nothing as bad as losing her.

Then I look at Jack and see how awesome he is. He's doing amazingly well. He asks when his dad is coming home and when I say he's not, he says okay and goes on about his way, playing, laughing, making fart noises with is mouth because THATS the thing to do right now. He's been my rock through this. Without Jack I think I would be in shambles, but he's motivated me to get in shape, stay healthy and have more fun than I have in years. I've been riding 12 to 14 miles on a bicycle at the gym, lifting weights, doing cardio. Well, mostly because in about a year I may have to have another boyfriend and being a fatty just ain't cuttin it. For now though Jack is a great cuddler and told me he could my boyfriend. Perfect....

Love,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink

MARCH FOR BABIES

Apr 06, 2009 06:57am (EST)

So I've been wracking my brain about M4B this year. With things changing in the Parsons household, finances being split, I just don't think I can do it and that hurts. I started my team in 2007, the year Kate died. I needed something like that and what a better way to remember Kate than having our very first walk on her due date. On April 26, 2007, Jack's Rat Pack made it's first appearance. We did it last year also and it was great, I volunteered with the family teams committee and loved it and also with the idea from Angi (Phoenix's mom), I did my walk's Angle Avenue. They still have the t-shirts and are using them again. I'm super excited about that!!

What I'm not excited about is that I just can't do it this year. This was a walk that I started doing for Kate and thought it was great that the MOD also benefited Jack when he was born with surfactant. Sadly, I just don't have the energy this year nor the focus.

From being a family of three to now just me and Jack, well it's mind-numbing, life-changing and having to starting over has me looking for apartments, figuring out what can fit in a smaller place and what school Jack will go into, needless to say I have a lot on my plate right now. I'm hoping to do something this year, such as some kind of tournament, something. I know economically this has not been the best year for donations. I just feel like I've let Kate down, so I've decided I'm going to volunteer more in the NICU, be available at my support group to others who have recently lost, but sadly this year Jack's Rat Pack just isn't going to be a team.

There is always next year and maybe my life will be more on track again. You never know the difference a year can make.

Good luck in all your walks!! I look forward to hearing about them.

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink

I'M SO SICK (LITTLE LIAR)

Mar 23, 2009 08:06am (EST)

I'm not sick and neither is Jack, but during the school week everyday at 8:15, when I tell him he has 15 minutes until he has to get ready he gets a stomache or is dizzy. The little liar.

I keep trying to explain that one day he's going to feel bad and be sick and I won't believe him and send him to school feeling that way. He said, but he is so sick. Yet everyday, he starts getting ready for school, even gets in the car and things are all good.

I didn't think lying started so early. At 5, really? This early? Really?

Little stinker... Everyday I tell him that if he's that sick the school will call me. Oops...pass that mom of the year award this way.

Gotta love him though.

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (10) | Permalink

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