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jack-n-kates_mom

September 2010

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BEST FRIENDS

Dec 08, 2009 10:03am (EST)

We all have that one best friend who is there for you through everything, but is just like you too. My best friend lives three hours away back in my hometown, but I see her quite often. Her daughter is 11 months younger than Jack and they get along great together...just like any brother and sister would...or an old married couple, whichever.

This best friend of mine is pregnant and I'm so excited for her. Her daughter came a week late and this pregnancy is going well. She's 28 weeks and things are progressing nicely and she's having a boy, which makes it easier on me. I think seeing a little baby girl that would be like a niece to me would be tough.

She called me last night to tell me that her mom and aunt want to give her a baby shower for January 16th and asked if I was available that weekend to come in town. I just kind of stopped talking and told her very quietly that January 17th is Kate's birthday but that I would make it a point to be in town. She stopped me and said she was changing it and already sent the text to her mom and her aunt to change it to the next weekend.

Seriously, I love this girl. It made me cy, and I'm emotional this time of year anyway but it made me cry when she said she would change her baby shower for her last baby just for me. I get a little teary just thinking about it. Even though she doesn't understand what its like to lose a child, she is there to listen and understand as much as she can.

Thank goodness for best friends,

Kelly

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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (11) | Permalink

NO MORE

Dec 07, 2009 07:09pm (EST)

I'm done, really I can't take anymore. Things need to get better.

Wow, I just sounded a little on the crazy side, I'm just stressed beyond stressed. It's the holidays, which equal never easy. Last night Troy (yes the "boyfriend" but we don't label him as that, he's just Troy) we were in Target and being the mature adults we are we proceeded to have a Nerf sword fight in the toy aisle at Super Target (LOVE that store). We were just walking through the aisles and then we got into the little girl stuff and I looked at the princess stuff, the dolls, the tiaras and I almost started crying right then. I told him I had to leave the aisle and I think he got it.

It's been a tough couple of months. Between Jack's dad moving and two and a half weeks ago, my car broke down, completely died. I just paid it off in August. I was told I would need a new engine...my cars not worth it to put a new engine in it but I knew adding a car payment wouldn't be easy. Thankful for friends, a smart mechanic a sister an amazing parents I now have my car back but it cost a pretty penny to fix it. On top of this is Christmas. The time when I really miss Kate...and then theres her birthday coming up.

Just no more... fixing a car, finances and now Christmas, missing Kate, Kate turning 3. NO MORE!! Something good has to happen right. Miracles do happen, we all know that. I get to see a miracle everyday, but I need something else good to come along.

I just want the holidays over, I want her birthday to be over and the new year to start.

Just another reminder about or live chat tomorrow at 1:30 PM EST with our very on Dr. Berns. We're discussing RSV/Flu season. Hope to "see" you there.

Much love,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (2) | Permalink

300

Dec 03, 2009 08:37pm (EST)

It's my 300th blog!! That's just crazy. Really it is. I found Share while working (yeah, I know) in October of 06. Jack was sick with his usual October nastiness and I was pregnant with Kate. We didn't know she was Kate at the time. I didn't find that out until December of 06.

Wow, how things have changed. Kate was stillborn at 26 weeks, had a miscarriage at 12 weeks on her 7 month birthday, gotten divorced, moved to an apartment of my (and Jack's) own, passed five kidney stones in a year, watched Jack's dad move 3 hours away, went to two Share Unions, lost 40 pounds (and still going), started dating again, met someone who is the male version of me (scary!!!), put up my Christmas decorations by myself, which I am very proud of, and now here I am doing my 300th blog. Freakin amazing is what it is!!

I also want to say we're having a live chat with our very own Dr. Scott Burns on December 8th. We'll be discussing RSV/flu. This is always an informative chat. We would love to "see" you there.

Much love,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (6) | Permalink

HERE WE GO AGAIN

Nov 11, 2009 10:40am (EST)

It's the holidays...well the start of the holidays. What that really means to me is that Kate would almost be 3. And here I am celebrating yet another holiday without her. Just another reminder that I don't have a little girl with me. Another reminder that I'm not shopping for what 3-year-old little girls are into, which I would assume are Care Bears, Hello Kitty, etc.

I guess every year I'm amazed that I don't know why I'm feeling so down and then it hits me...it's the holidays. Every year though I think it won't be as bad as the year before. Not that the anxiety and tension gets worse...it just doesn't ease up from year to year. When does that start to happen? Does it ever? Do the holidays ever get easier?

I know for a fact the loss gets easier to deal with..you never get over it or through it for that matter. It's just something you learn to deal with. Sometimes I think to myself...I wonder how many people know just by looking at me that I've lost a daughter? I know they can't, but sometimes I feel like I'm screaming it out or that I want to scream it out is more like it. Not that I want felt sorry for...I just want her to be recognized as part of me.

I miss her a lot this time of year. November and December and then leading up to her birthday, it's never easy. I think about her face, what she looked like, how she smelled and then I wonder if she knew me. Does she know I held her and loved her and kissed her and looked at her toes? Does she remember me?

Starting this new chapter in my life I'm so worried that I'll forget her. I don't have any memories with her, she never held my finger, touched my face, pulled my hair so I have no memories. I worry that I'll forget her and meeting new people, going out...they ask me for my story. I don't know where to begin and sure as hell don't know what to include. Kate is not included in that story, it can't be, people aren't ready for that just yet but yet she is such a big part of my life its hard to exclude her in that story.

I'll learn, things will get better, holidays will be easier...one day.

Much love,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink

WHAT IF....

Oct 26, 2009 07:20pm (EST)

I've started this blog I don't know how many times in the past month. Yep, it's been over a month since I've blogged. Mostly because I thought I didn't belong on here right now. The things I'm going through...it's not directly related to prematurity, death of my daughter, the miscarriage, but then I realized they are. They all relate to everything.

I have lately been thinking...what if. What if Jack was born full-term? We wouldn't have had to struggle with him being sick so much probably, but maybe he would have. What if we stayed in our house and never sold it? Would we be in the house together, being miserable having to live together? What if Kate was never conceived? Would we still be together? What if Kate was born full-term and healthy? Would I be on shareyourstory.org? What if we hadn't decided to try again after Kate? Would I forever regret that or do I live with knowing that I never gave it a try? What if I was still a family of "three"? Would I be happy?

I don't know the answers to any of these except one... Would I still be on shareyourstory.org if kate was born full-term and healthy? Nope. Probably not. Did I need it even if Kate was never conceived...yep and I had no idea I would. You see, it's October...October is tough on Jack. Apparently this kid has seasonal asthma and you wanna know why? Why, he was a preemie, thats why!! You know he is 6, aren't we done with that stuff? Nope, we are not. Has he been on steroids and breathing treatments for the majority of October? Why yes, yes he has. Have I wanted to choke him out..yes, yes I have. Would I ever? No, no I would not. Do I love him to pieces? I can't even describe how much I love that.

I am an exhausted mom...thats for sure. I really have no reason to complain. I have Jack, I have a living healthy, for the most part, son. Things have just changed in our household. I get no help. His dad now lives three hours away. I get no break and here I am complaining about it when mothers who have lost or who have never conceived would give their life to be in my position. I would too. I just hate it for Jack. His dad sees him now maybe 4 to 8 days a month. Things are not easy.

But one thing that has helped me the most...going to D.C. for three days with people who get it. They understand the strain a premature birth and a loss has on a marriage. I wasn't looked at any different because I'm not married. I was never asked why Jack is on steroids and what does it mean he's out of his mind when he's on them. You all get it. I'm telling you going to SU, meeting all of you that came..you are my lifesaver, and well if it wasn't for me being your lifesaver, the whole hotel could have burned down...just sayin.

I caught up with some old friends at SU, and met some amazing new ones. I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to blog about SU. I can't even begin to tell you all the names of everyone I hugged, laughed with, talked with, cried with and laughed with. Did I say how much I laughed?

I don't know if many of you know this, I'm not a crier..takes a lot for me to try, but apparently not seeing as how I was the first that cried on Saturday afternoon. I got to talking about Jack and Kate, and I just completely lost it. All while standing up in a room full of people who completely understand and there I go and lose my cool. Thanks for letting me do that and not feel like the biggest dork on the face of the earth.

We're all in Holland..it's not a bad place. We have each other and I will never forget that. Holland is my starting over place, starting over being a mom to a preemie, being a mom to a daughter in heaven and being a single mom. It's not all that bad...I think I'll stay, as long as you stay with me.

Love,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (11) | Permalink

SHARE UNION!!!

Sep 14, 2009 09:56pm (EST)

When I first heard about Share Union I had just joined Share and SU had just happened. I almost thought that maybe it wasn't real. It's totally real, and might I add I made some of now best friends in Washington D.C. two years ago.

I have lots to blog about but no time right now. Let's just say it involves my now 6-year-old, having a first grader, finally tackling parent hood on my hood, at least for 28 to 26 days of the month that is, but what I want to tell you about is that we are having a live chat!!

It's tomorrow, Tuesday, September 15 at 2 pm in the community center. We're talking about Share Union!! Didn't think it was real? It's totally real. Come join Kate St. Claire and myself. Bring your questions about everything Share Union related!!

Hope to see you there!!

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (5) | Permalink

AUGUST 17, 2007

Aug 17, 2009 07:01am (EST)

August 17, 2007, was the last day I was ever pregnant. This is the day that I had my D&C was two years ago. I just found out that baby Sam quit growing at 8 weeks 4 days. I was 12 weeks 2 days pregnant. Kate would have been 7 months old on that date two years ago. Kate should be 31 months old today.

I've not been sleeping...maybe getting four hours at a time but I'm not tired...I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I've been down a bit, and maybe thats why I needed to open that box. I have an ultrasound picture of baby Sam at 6 weeks. It's in Kate's box. That's the only picture I have. We saw his heart beating at that time and then I heard it at 8 weeks 2 days...the ultrasound at 12 weeks showed him to be 8 weeks 4 days. I lost him two days after I heard his heartbeat.

Theres just so much going on and I'm overwhelmed. As much as I didn't think this would bother me, it really is. Also the fact that this Wednesday, on the 19th, would be my 9th wedding anniversary. I didn't think that would bother me either when in fact it bothers me just as much. You mourn over your marriage when it ends. It's definitely not as bad as losing a baby, but it's not easy either.

I don't really have anything else to say, but the song Goodbye My Lover, by James Blunt really hits home on my anniversary and of course Glory Baby by Watermark reminds of baby Sam.

It's a tough week, I'll get through it, but it but it's going to be a long one.

Much love,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (12) | Permalink

THE BOX

Aug 10, 2009 09:18am (EST)

After doing that blog on Saturday night, the boys went to sleep, I went to my room, closed the door and got the box out along with a bag of the cards, a stuffed animal that someone set on her grave the day we buried her. I did it, I opened the box, and as weird as it is I smelled her clothes, her dress, her hat, her blanket. Her dress had a tie at the bottom around her feet and one around her neck to make the dress smaller. I've never tied those back but I did Saturday night. It reminded me of how little she was, how she felt, how she looked like Jack.

And boy did I cry. I have to say I cried when we found out Kate was gone, I cried when I delivered her, I cried at her graveside service, I've cried through these past two years, but I don't think I ever cried as hard as I did on Saturday. I think it's just the emotions from the past half year that I have kept bottled up. I cried so hard I was shaking, heaving, upset that I couldn't find a stain on her blanket that I knew was there...at least I think I knew it was there. I needed that, and theres a good chance I'm not done crying.

I'm not a crier, but I think I've learned its okay to cry...finally I learned that. It's stress relieving, and I definitely felt so much better afterwards.

And then Sunday I got hit with a ton of bricks. A friend that I grew up in church with and played vollyeball in high school, her first baby, a son, was stillborn last week. It brought back so many emotions, so many thoughts, so many memories. Today or tomorrow is his funeral. His name is Connor. My heart just breaks for her. I sent her cousin a message on facebook, who happens to work for the March of Dimes in my hometown, and I told her to let her know I was thinking of her. I talked to the chaplain through Consoling Parents and she is going to let me have a bear to mail to her.

Thanks for being there Share and as people call it, this is totally my Share-therapy or Share-apy. And thank goodness tomorrow night is a support group night.

I totally need a tattoo now...those are my stress reliever.

Love,

Kelly

Don't forget!! Our next live chat is this Thursday, August 13, at 8 PM EST with guest host Tracy Hunter. We'll be discussing Back to School. That's right, it's a NIGHT CHAT!!

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (10) | Permalink

OPENING AND CLOSING

Aug 08, 2009 07:29pm (EST)

When Kate was born (stillborn) we left the hospital with a memory box and a bear. The bear was an Open Arms bear from the Consoling Parents support group. It was something to have since you couldn't carry your baby home. That's a whole other story of not bringing your baby home with you. But the memory box held her dress, her hat, feetprints..all of the hospital stuff and a few momentos, some cards. In it is a card telling what the box is for. My box is a mint green and it ties together. That is supposed to represent the opening and closing of emotions. I haven't opened her box in a while now, probably since her 2nd birthday in January of this year but I have this urge to open it, however, if I do I know whats going to happen, I'm going to cry and it's going to be a good one.

I have a lot to face in the next two months. It will be two years since we lost baby Sam on the 17th of this month, the same day Kate would be 31 months. Brett is moving after the 1st of September, Jack will be turning six, he's starting 1st grade next week, heck he has a loose tooth on the top now. I go from being a single mom with help raising him by his dad to a single mom with no help from his dad as he'll be three hours away. It really does take a village to raise a kid.

Back to the real reason for this blog. I need to open that box, but there never seems to be a good time to do so. Maybe its just me putting it off knowing what will happen when I do open it. I'll hold her dress, her hat, the diapers and I'll read the cards and letters just as I have before. I kept all of them from the flowers I got and the cards in the mail, even the cards in the flowers I kept.

I keep finding reasons to not open it. Tonight Jack is having a friend spend the night..they're still whispering to each other in bed as I'm typing this. Tomorrow I work...see all good reasons to not open the box.

Theres a part of me that thinks that box will be opened before the night ends. I'll play some James Blunt, some Sarah McLachlan and really let those tears flow. It's not that I'm missing Kate any more than normal, it's just that I am a completely new normal. It's a lot to take in..and my mind just needs to let it out.

Much love,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (7) | Permalink

BIG CHANGES

Aug 03, 2009 06:20am (EST)

I've signed on Share I don't know how many times within the last week meaning to write this, but wasn't sure if I was ready to actually "write" it down. It seems so real when I write it down.

Jack and I went to the beach with my parents and my sister. We got back last Sunday. I miss the beach but I'm so glad to be home. The day we came back Jack's dad came to pick him up for the night. He hadn't seen him in over a week because of our vacation. The agreement is he gets Jack Tuesdays and Thursdays and every other weekend, however, he is laid off. It's not his fault, it's just that he has never been laid off for this long. When I went to pick up Jack last Monday afternoon, I noticed Brett was super happy, smiling at me and actually looking at me, which is HUGE. He told me he was going back to school to be a teacher, that he didn't want to be an electrician anymore. I think thats great and I told him so. Then he told me he was moving out of that place. He shares an apartment with a friend of his who he used to work with. This friend is moving out to move in with his girlfriend and Brett says he can't afford to stay there and go to school full time so...you ready for this...he's moving back to our hometown.

Our hometown is three hours away and he's moving after the 1st of September. He also told me he already talked to Jack about it and thinks it would be good for Jack to move there too. Over my dead body is what I said!!! Brett apologized and said he meant I should come too, that I should move there with Jack and get a place of my own for me and Jack. WTH!!!!! Are you kidding me.

I was shocked. He is going to live with his mom and stepdad. I have no idea what he's going to do about a job. I was hurt and upset and I let him see me cry. It wasn't about him moving, it was about his child and the fact that he talked to Jack before he talked to me. Jack was all pumped to move to our hometown so he could be near his grandparents. Brett was so happy and so excited. Jack kept telling me we should move there too.

After a lot of thinking I decided I'm not going and neither is Jack. Jack has friends here, his school is here, we do too many things to move like that. We have a zoo here, six flags and all kinds of fun stuff for him. I have friends here, I have a job here, I just moved into my own place. I've made something of myself here. I volunteer at the hospital Jack and Kate were both born at, I am involved in our infant loss support group. They don't have these things in my hometown. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I just can't uproot my life because Brett has decided on a whim that he doesn't want to be an electrician. Does he expect us to follow him wherever his teaching career takes him? Sometimes we do things we don't want to do because we have to.

I didn't want a divorce, I didn't want to have to decide on what funeral home Kate should go to, I didn't want to decide what to do with her body, I didn't decide to have Jack early; however, I had to do all of these things and I'm a stronger person for it. I've begged and pleaded, which I hate doing, for him to look at working at UPS and the whole school to work thing, to get a roommate, check on Craigslist if you have to...but stay for your son.

I'm worried about Jack. He's not wanting to sleep in his own room now because he says when he closes his eyes he says scary stuff. He's going to counseling this Friday. I know Jack has been healthy, he's not sick a lot anymore, but how much more mentally can this little boy go through.

Much love,

Kelly

Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (10) | Permalink

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