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MADDY'S MOMMY

Jenn23

May 2013

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MY BEAUTUIFUL SON

Sep 22, 2011 03:54am (EST)

I wanted to share your pics in a post just for them, before I do though I just want everyone to know what a little fighter you were, My placenta abrupted around nine thirty or ten o'clock at night, it took the doctors almost two and a half hours to get you out of mommy, you were not born until almost twelve thirty in the morning... The nurse told me that you did not breathe for them but that they did work on you for a long time I think that is why your little face looks swollen in the pics...I was also unconscious for two days and had to have between seven and ten blood transfusions, my mom said she lost count...I was not able to take pictures of you like I would have liked to, these are the only pics I have of you and the nurses took them, When I woke I was able to hold you for about half hour, then they made me release you to the funeral home because they had been waiting the two days for me to wake, I am still very angry about this...I know I almost died with you baby and some days I wish I had but I would do it all over again just for that half hour back.....I love you so much Maddy. You are my beautiful son. My son was moving around the morning of his birth and I felt a little tired and worn out but I had just worked all weekend serving tables so it was normal for me to be tired on Sundays...I wasn't sure if anything was wrong at first, I felt like I was having just one big contraction, then I passed out from the pain, and when I woke I was in shock and almost completely disorientated... I then talked my mother in law into not waiting for my husband and told her she had to take me to the hospital...I wish she had just taken me the first time I asked her and maybe you would be here now, I had asked her when I first got to her house which was about twenty minutes from mine and the hospital... she didn't want to drive in the rain. It was even worse when I did get to the hospital they tried to make me register, thought I was just being a baby, then my Dr. came and she knew I wasn't because I didn't make a peep during Tarquin's delivery and I was screaming in pain. I think that is when they finally got the clue. I just wish that they hadnt broke your water, I think that is what happened to you...I was so cold baby and it hurt so bad, I will never forget it. I will never forgive them all either. I would have my beautiful son here now if they were not so use to treating people like crap. I wish that all the nurses were as nice as the one that took my pics of you baby and talked to me afterward, no one would even tell me what happened, I hated it. I was in recovery and I can remember hearing them... It was awful.. I knew because I could hear them while I was still under the anesthetic and I couldn't move or do anything it was the worst moment of my life and I was alone.....in my head, crying. My family was all there but they didn't know I was awake, I can remember trying move but then they made my husband leave so I didn't try anymore. Oh Maddy it is so hard to remember when it hurts so much, but I never want to forget either. I just wanted everyone to know what you went through baby, how you were a trooper and fought for hours, you were still alive when I got to the hospital. I just wish they were faster, you were trying so hard to hold on. I love you baby and you fought all you could and I will always be proud of you. So everyone this is my beautiful son Maddox, my fighter, my heart, my soul, my love, my light and my life. I love you Maddy!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Oh ya guys check out the huge feet on my tiny man.... He was four pounds fifteen ounces and he was a whopping nineteen inches long, same as Tarquin who was a week overdue. The first pic is my favorite and the one I sleep with every night...The second picture is the only picture I have or ever will have of me holding my son...OK I have eight and I was going to post them all... but I just cant, not tonight, After I got them up there well it just kind of hit me, the first one wasn't so bad because that one I look at everyday and shared at Maddy's funeral but after the second one... I just cant see them all up there like that I m sorry, I ll have to do one at a time or something, I love you all and your like my family though so... I guess you'll understand...

Maddox 1

Maddox 2

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (6) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Sep 20, 2011 10:02pm (EST)

Hey there my sweet boy, I love you so so much, I have been thinking about you all day and I fell asleep last night before I could write you so I just wanted to tell you how much I love you Maddy, I think I will post your picture today, I just want everyone to see you and see how beautiful you are, I cant show you off like I can Tar, because well basically because people would think I was a crackhead. I know it has taken me a year to be able to do this, I always wanted to get a better picture, hmm maybe I can hook the scanner up and try it, see if it still works, hold on I will baby. Well that didn't work baby I have to get the software and I downloaded this thing for it but I have to restart my firefox, I don't want to lose this so I am going to post it baby and I will post your pic later when I can find the software. I love you so much Maddy, I will be back lol Love you so my little man, XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Sep 19, 2011 05:22am (EST)

Hey there my sweet baby boy, mommy loves you so much, I have been thinking about you all day. I miss you terribly baby. I have not had a good few days for some reason I have not been feeling very good... I don't know why either, I'm like all shaky and sore. It is like I drank to much coffee and got hit by a truck lol. I don't know but I don't like it. I have been super sleepy too and I hate that. I use to have so much energy, like enough for four people, I often wonder where it all went. I have not been very happy lately and I think you can probably tell my sweet son. I have not been writing that much, I have been falling asleep so early and waking to little man lol and he keeps me running from morning til night. I love you boys all so much you are my life my reason for living, I would not know what to do with out each and every one of you you are all so special in your own way to me. Your Daddy loves me no matter what and I'm your brothers hero in his eyes, and you Maddy, you have taught me to love beyond borders, without doubt and fear. I am forever grateful. I love you so much Maddox. I love you all so much, Oh my Maddy my little angel I still cry so many tears for you baby. I want to see your sweet little face again. You are so beautiful Maddox, so so handsome...you and your brother would have been quite the pair, stealing all the ladies. Your features were just gorgeous, and your complexion flawless..you were perfect in every way. I wish that I could have brought you into this world a healthy baby...I wish so much about that night, your birthday I guess it is now......hmmm I am just so lost lately Maddy. I miss you so much, this terrible sadness has taken me, and I know it has to be noticeable to my family, I feel really bad but I just feel like a Zombie lately. lol I know it sounds funny and well it is kind of but sometimes it really bothers me..I guess now is not one of those times lol but it happens. Maybe I am just tired and silly too I don't know, I sure didn't feel silly few minutes ago, but writing to you baby always makes me feel better. I feel like you can really hear me I don't know but it does. I love you baby boy, so so much. I hope so much to see your beautiful face once more, I just hope that I am not to far gone already, that there is mercy and forgiveness at the end. I love you Maddy and your brother so much, I worry so much about both of you all the time. I feel like I cant keep Tarquin safe, cant do my job, that I am failing him, because I have failed you Maddox. I think about this every day. I hate that I could not save you. I should have known. I should have done something. I should have you in my arms right now rocking you and kissing your sweet face....Oh Maddy my Maddy why us huh why cant we be together. I need you so my baby love. I always did. I always will. I keep you close though in a special place I have for you inside my heart, a little place I have created just for you baby, you have built a fortress around my heart and claimed it as your own. I love you sweetness. My darling boy, I miss you so much... I will forever love you and cherish every moment we did have...even if I never even looked into your beautiful eyes I am so glad for that time together baby, my sweet little baby boy.. I love you so much always and forever Maddy. I had better go to sleep baby but I will write you again soon. Good night for now my darling angel and sleep well. I will dream sweet dreams of holding you once more in my arms and laughing with you and crying with you and loving you. So good night for now my little one and dream sweet dreams until the sun.. I love you Maddox!!! So so much... XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Sep 15, 2011 04:39am (EST)

Hey there my sweet sweet boy, mommy loves you so much my darling angel. I know I haven't written to you in days but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about you my precious baby boy. I never stop thinking about you, I dream of you. I dream that I can hold you and kiss your sweet face. I miss you so much Maddox. I don't know baby I have just felt so tired lately and have been falling asleep as soon as Tarquin does. We all went to Forty falls on Sunday and it was a disaster. And it has taken us all, including Tar, a few days to recover from it. lol He has been a little TV bug. Ok Forty falls is kind of like Stoney brook Park or Letchworth Park, both parks in NY that have great slate canyons and waterfalls and slate bottomed riverbeds so it makes for a great hike and swim. But the Forties is not a park and is not patrolled or marked very well. So anyways we were going to go there and then go to the drive in afterwards for the last show of the season. Well we never made it to the drive in because we got stuck in the river til 12:30 in the morning. Ya not fun... When we got there we were all excited because Tar had never been and we wanted to show him the waterfall, which is at least a good hours hike up river, two hours with a three year old lol. We took food and drinks and some extra clothes for just Tar. We started out around three or three thirty...Our adventure as we were calling it was going great until it started getting dark. We realized we never marked the path out of the river when we got out there and the vegetation is out of control and we missed it. When we got down to where the river splits we realized we had gone waaaaayyy to far. My husband left to go and scout a bit and Tar and I started a fire. Thank god we had brought the food it was now I think at least nine and we hadn't ate since breakfast, except some little snacks Tar had eaten. I got Tar all dressed and dry again, for the second time, good thing I had brought three changes of clothes for him, my husband tried to tell me he didn't need lol I said this is Tar we are talking about he needs them lol. And he did. We ate and then started off on a trail we had found that ran along the riverbed so we didn't have to get to wet again. We kept the baby dry anyways lol. So we walk for around two hours and were finally forced back into the river by cliffs We then hit a stone hand made bench I know I saw on the way in and say crap we went to far again how did that happen. We all just sat on the bench for like ten minutes in dismay... I saw a small path and said well I am at least going up here to check this out, No flashlights of course and not one but yup count them two dead cell phones, I head up the path and realize I have finally found the way out after looking for seven hours and walking for almost ten... My son never cried not once and only whined a tiny bit, he is a super trooper he walked for hours on end, being carried a bit in between but he trucked and he trooped we fell twice in the river and mommy got bit by a snake, we were cold and wet and we trucked on... I am so proud of Tarky for being such a strong brave little boy. We didn't have any lights and walked in the dark for five hours. When we finally found the Blazer I thought I would kiss it. I wouldn't have minded staying the night in the Blazer but not on the rocks with nothing. It was kind of funny we were walking up and down the river trying to set off our car alarm so we could see it lol, ya it didn't work. When we all finally got changed and dry we got in the blazer and started our drive home, and out of the backseat we hear this little voice talking to himself, and he says " Boy that was a Sucky Adventure" LOL I just about died. It sure was buddy we said and we missed the drive in, he says that's ok I just want to go home lol. I love him so much and I love you so much Maddy. I wish so much that we all could do fun family things together, I always feel like you should be there with us and then it kind of spoils it. I hate that I am so weak. I love you Maddy, I just miss you so much and I still feel really guilty about losing you. I never will believe that it wasn't me, I know if I had just been smarter you would be here now. I live with that hate everyday. I live with the anger and the sadness, the memory of your sweet face will always be with me and it kills me to think that is all I will ever have of you, a memory. A moment. A lifetime taken away from us baby. Oh Maddy I love you so much, you are so much more than a memory though you are my son, my baby boy, a very part of me. I will always always hold you inside of me. I love you Maddox Decimus. I wish so very much we could be together. I miss you every second. I think about you in everything I do, you are a very big part of our lives Maddy. I love you baby, so so much. I had better go to sleep I am so tired, I will write you some more tomorrow baby boy. Good Night for now my darling angel I love you more than you will ever know..I love you Maddy...XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink

TO MADDY

Sep 08, 2011 10:55am (EST)

My mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night.
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands upon a beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others,
a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's open door,
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with my death,
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her
knows it's her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that
Angels protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burdens she bears.
So if you get a chance, call to her
And show her that you care.
For no matter what she feels,
my surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
~K. D'Ormeaux

Hey there my sweet baby boy mommy misses you so so much and I miss you always, I fell asleep baby. I am really sleepy baby but I wanted to stop and tell you how much I love you my sweetpea. I think about you every moment of every day and I just wish I could hold you baby. I will write you more tomorrow my darling angel. Mommy love you Maddox so so very much and I miss you more than ever. Love you my sweet baby, Good Night for now Maddy XOXOXOXOXOX

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (3) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Sep 05, 2011 06:32pm (EST)

Happy Labor day baby. I fell asleep last night before I got a chance to write you, I just wanted to stop and tell you how much I love you. I miss you so much Maddy. I am going to my moms today for party but I always feel like you should be there too. I have a hard time with family functions so I usually just don't go. My Mom really wants us to though so here we go. I love you baby, and I miss you so much. I will write you more later my sweet boy. I love you Maddox!!! XOXOXOXOXOxoxoxoxoxXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (4) | Permalink

TO MADDY

Sep 04, 2011 06:40am (EST)

Hey there my littlest man, momma loves you so so very much Maddox. I live my nights full of longing for you, I toss and turn every night, I haven't had a good nights sleep in years. I could not sleep well when I was pregnant for you either, I always had to sleep sitting up and lets face it it is only comfy for so long...Oh Maddy how I wish I was still sleeping sitting up.. I would give anything for just one last chance... to hold you. I can still see your little fuzzy ears in my eyes like it was yesterday Maddy, I love you and miss your beautiful face, you were perfect, just like a sleeping angel. Oh Maddox why. I love you so much and I miss you terribly. I am lost and hurting, the pain is like no other. I cannot explain it. It is just there... always, from the moment I wake til the minute I finally end up sleeping in the wee hours of the morning, five, six, seven or even eight... I hate that you are not here with us, our family. It is not whole. It never can be and I am not sure what I can do or how I should feel I mean I am MOM I should have the answers to everything.. Right! Oh Maddox I love you baby more than you will ever know. I wish that tomorrow was Mommy Daddy Boys day instead of Mommy Daddy Pooters day or it could be Mommy Daddy Pooters Maddy Day. I think I like that better, or whatever silly name we would have called you baby boy. Oh Baby I love you My Maddy My baby love I miss you always, always baby. Nothing could ever come close to filling this huge gap in my heart, I love you Maddy so so much. I cant stand that you are not here with us so I can hold you and feel you and kiss you and just watch you grow. I had better go to bed though because we always go to eat breakfast on Sundays at the little pastry shop around the corner. It is cheap and close, not so good though lol sometimes it is sometimes it real real bad. Last time they forgot Tarquin's toast and all he got was over easy eggs and toast to dip in it and she never came back so he didn't get any, I was kind a mad uh ya mad. I still left the girl like a twenty % tip too. I am just to nice. I never got any more coffee either... Well baby I must go but I will write you some more, I love you Maddy so so much and I miss you every moment.. Good Night for now my sweet sweet son. I love you Baby boy. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

MY MADDY

Sep 03, 2011 05:10am (EST)

Hey there my sweet boy, I love you so much Maddox, I think about you every moment of every day, I wish so much that you could be here with us. We need you so much. I feel like this huge part of our lives is missing. Tarquin is starting to realize exactly just what "brothers" are, and "sisters" I don't think he knew before, its kind of funny to see the things he is learning that I take for granted every day. He asked me the other day mommy if other people have brothers where is my brother, it almost broke my heart, I told him remember you brother is in heaven, remember, he said oh ya our baby, Mommy I love the baby. He is my brother? I said yup Tar he is. I love my brother mommy. Me too baby, I love you too Tar. He said I love you tooooo mommy, Oh Maddy I don't know what I would do without your brother, I wish so much that you boys could have grown up together, like brothers should. He will always know you though Maddox I promise, Know always that he does have a brother. Even if he cant be with you baby. I know it must be difficult for him to understand all of this, I wish somehow I could make it all better for him. I can still remember the pain in his eyes, when he first knew. He was just a baby himself, he had just turned two the month before, but he knew, I could tell by the look on his face. His tiny angelic face holding the painful look of an adult. It is just wrong Maddy, why us, why you. I hate it everyday, I hate so much. I cannot accept your loss I am stuck in an endless cycle of anger and sadness. I hate that my son has to grow up alone, I hate that I will never hold you again, I hate that I will never hear your voice or even your cry. I hate that you will never know our love and we will never truly know you Maddy. I hate that I never even got a chance to look into your eyes and tell you how very much I love you baby. I hate myself. I hate that I hate. I can not stand this person I have become Maddy. I don't know what to do. I just miss you so much Maddox and cant bear to live without you. It is eating me up inside. I, I just don't know what to do anymore baby. I can only be strong for so long before I will just break. I hate that I haven't been writing every night too it really bothers me, I fall asleep though and then the days are totally crazy around here still. I did however finally get the Blazer on the road, it only took me six hours to do it. Talk about a backwards State, stupid Pa. I am not liking it here. I want my NY back. I Love NY. No not really I don't it is cold and nasty up here in the winter and I hate it too. I am just a hater tonight I am in a miserable mood baby and I am just hating life I guess. The only thing good in it is my family and I never see my husband and Tarquin has been a holy terror lately and you are missing. We haven't been able to have much fun at all because Tarquin has been acting up so badly, I usually just end up taking him home from wherever we are. It makes it hard to run errands though, that I have to do. Some days though he is a total angel and it really makes me wonder what happened to this sweet baby and then I remember that he turned three lol. I think he just is having a hard time adjusting but oh my already its been over a month or so, come on. I am just really frustrated is all, I am missing you Maddy more than ever, and I just wish that life was how it was going to be and not how it is. I hate that you are not here with us. It breaks my heart every day. Every hour, every minute we are apart baby boy. I love you so much Maddox. I had better try and go to bed because Tar will be up early because I put him to bed early lol. He was beyond tired though and it was showing. I will try and write you as soon as I can my darling angel, I love you so much my precious baby boy. I miss you always and forever, my Maddy. Good Night sweetness I love you so my baby love, My Maddy. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (4) | Permalink

TO MADDY

Aug 30, 2011 08:56am (EST)

Hey there my sweet Maddy, mama loves you baby boy so so much. I know I haven't wrote in a few days but I should tell you why. You see we put the bed in the living room because we don't have a couch and I have been crashing out in the bed and not waking up til morning. Where as if I had the couch I would get up write to you and then go to bed. I just have not free time during the day at all to myself, I never have any time to myself, only at night and if I stay up all night then I am a total witch in the morning. I am really hoping to put the Blazer on the road tomorrow it was a no go Saturday and today. Hopefully I can just switch my license over to Pa and then get it registered, I already have the ins. just waiting on the plates. I cant take it. I am not sure if they suspended my license in SC or not. If not I will be able to tomorrow if so it will be more like never lol. I hate not having a car, I drink bottled water umm Yeah its kind of hard to transport. I use the stroller lol. Well Maddy it has become five in the morning and I don't know how. I have to get up at eight to go do the Blazer so I had better go to bed my little one. I love you so much my darling Maddox and I think about you all day and all night. I miss you every moment of every day and love you more than I can ever say. Good night my sweet boy. I love you so much my Maddy. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (2) | Permalink

SO SO SORRY BABY

Aug 25, 2011 05:22pm (EST)

There is nothing in life that can take away the pain
In this life nothing will ever be the same,
Walking alone, cold, crying, lost in the rain
Following the only sound I can, the echo of your name.

All I want is to hold you in my arms and feel you near
As I study your beautiful face in its picture frame.
Crying out for you, my Maddy filled with so much fear
That this picture is the only reminder that you came.

I am writing this for you Maddy, it is not finished though, I use to write quite a bit when I was younger and it always helped me through whatever I needed it to, for some reason I didn't need it anymore and I stopped writing. I definitely need it now. I need so much in my life but most of all, I needed you Maddox. I need your baby soft skin on mine. I need your fuzzy little ears under my lips. I need you my baby, my son. I am so lost without you. I haven't been writing I know. I needed some time to try and sort some things out. I am sorry I left you in the darkness with out me. I hated myself everyday I went to bed and I didn't write you, but I felt like I needed that time to try and forget. Not about you, never about you but about the pain or at least try to, give myself the chance to see is all. Well it didn't work and it just made me feel like a horrible mother, which I already do anyways, your brother just will not behave, I almost cannot bear it. I feel horrible when I have to punish him. He is really out of control though. I am so lost so confused, the pain searing my heart like a hot blade. I don't know what to do anymore Maddy. I just miss you so much and what was supposed to be that I cant live for the now. I just want my family together. I love you so much my darling angel. I started writing this last night and I have so much more to say but Maddy your brother is being a little terror and I have to tend to him. I love you and miss you so much my sweet son. I will write you more later I promise. Love you my Maddy. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted by Jenn23 | Comments: (5) | Permalink

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