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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(1 member)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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LIFE WITHOUT LIAM
liams mommy |
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REFLECTING...
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Jan 15, 2011 12:45pm (EST)
The first half of 2009 was a perfect year; my daughter and the new baby were supposed to be 3 weeks apart- I envisioned double birthday parties for my fall babies, life was bliss.
Yet, we know how this story ends….it’s kind of like watching the movie Titanic, you know the ship is going to sink and many are going to die, but you still have hope that everything will be okay….that’s how I look back at my pregnancy with Liam, still hoping the story might end differently.
Watching Liam struggle in the NICU was emotionally exhausting, the ups and downs were extreme….it was the 2nd hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
The 1st hardest was watching Jason pull the breathing tube from my little boy’s mouth and knowing he was gone….
2009 left my soul shattered…my body frozen…my mind reeling- I was stagnant, unable to care about anything (with exception to my Bella), unable to make any kind of decision…
And then 2010 came, a new year, a new start as they say. I was beginning to think about trying again, but I struggled with knowing when the right time might be- was I really ready emotionally and physically??
I spent the first half of 2010 going from doctor to doctor….trying to find a reason for Liam’s unexpected arrival….essentially trying to make sense of his death….the answers never came, there was no sense to make.
April 2010 we officially began trying for another blessing- I was full of hope, optimism, and I was naïve…..sigh  .
Throughout the summer I struggled with the highs of ‘I might be pregnant’ to the lows of knowing this was not the case. I watched my SIL, my bff, and two co-workers get their blessings…..I began to swell with envy, yearning, jealousy- many emotions I’m ashamed to own. Yet, I managed to hold onto a sliver of hope each month, just enough to carry through to the next.
It’s been 9 months of trying, and tomorrow will probably mark the 10th. Last month I was referred to an infertility specialist….but I haven’t been able to make that call yet.
Honestly, I not really sure how I got to this point- it’s like my life has gotten so off track I will never find my way back. I suppose from the moment Liam died, my track changed directions and looking back is only a waste of time…
2010 wasn’t a good year. I spent too much time preoccupied with controlling things in my life- I should know better! I’m not exactly sure I’m emotionally ready for another baby either….how do you really know???? Maybe not until the pregnancy actually occurs??? I think my ‘obsession’ with TTC in 2010 was a distraction from my grief for Liam…..
To recap 2010- it was like I was walking, running, and sometimes crawling backwards on one of those moving sidewalks at the airport- no matter how hard I tried, that stupid sidewalk was just a little faster.
Beginning 2011- I’m going to repeat this to myself everyday ‘I’m not in control, I’m not in control’!
I will continue to grieve for my son, but I will try to change directions on that sidewalk.
I will focus on the upcoming March of Dimes walk, attempting to raise another $2000 this year. I will focus on our 2nd Annual Liam Nolen Bradley Memorial Golf Outing in May, attempting to raise more than last year, over $5000. I will love my family, myself included, and we will continue trying for another child- not so much to ask for right?
It’s nice to look back at this journey; sometimes you’re in so deep that you can’t see where you came from or where you’re going….reflecting is a nice way to understand what’s happened.
I should also give an update on my Bella- she turned 3 (can’t believe it) back in November. At her well check up the doctor said she’s as tall as a 5 ½ year old  !!!! She makes me smile everyday, and remember how precious life really is.
She really understood the concept of Santa this year, so Christmas was so much fun for her, and me too  . She’s been potty trained during the day for a year now, but we are struggling with the nights. She’s such a heavy sleeper that she could pee all over the bed and never wake up till morning…thank God for pull-ups.
Thanks to all for the prayers from the last blog.
Jennifer
love you baby- you're in our hearts forever.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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PRAYERS PLEASE
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Dec 22, 2010 12:09am (EST)
With a heavy heart I ask that everyone pray for a friend of my husband who just said good-bye to his baby boy earlier today, Lukas. I'm not sure of the details except that he was not expected to make it after the birth, and unfortunately the doctors were correct.
I pray for love and peace to surround Robert's family today and in the days to come- we all know the journey they are embarking on, and know the difficulties that lie ahead....it pains me to think we have yet another mommy and daddy missing their baby tonight.
Jennifer
I love you baby Liam & missing you so much- mommy
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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CHRISTMAS....
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Dec 19, 2010 02:24am (EST)
It was a difficult night…..I started my period today- I’ve known that I was going to start for the last two days, but today is the ‘official’ day, blah.
Today marks eight months of trying, now moving on to the ninth- but let me tell you that the number 8 feels like forever, and also feels incredibly heavy!
It occurred to me yesterday that maybe I am not meant to have any more children. I thought maybe I am meant to have one child here on Earth and one in heaven, period. I thought, maybe God is prevented me from becoming pregnant again to prevent history from repeating itself.
I’ve been so preoccupied with becoming pregnant again that I’ve forgotten what happened to Liam. I’ve forgotten that my body betrayed him, that my body gave out on him when he needed me most…..maybe that’s what will happen again if I were ever to get pregnant- hence no positive……
breatheeeeeee
Tonight was my mom’s family’s Christmas. And let me tell you it was as if I had split personalities- I was happy to be there and happy to see everyone, yet at that same moment I was also wishing to be on a deserted island half way around the world.
To be completely honest, it was difficult to see my cousin’s baby who is five months younger than Liam would have been. It was difficult to see my SIL who is 26 weeks pregnant- only one week and two days shy of when I spontaneously went into labor with Liam.
It was just plain difficult. 
Last year I skipped all the Christmas festivities….it was too close after losing Liam….maybe I should have done the same this year???
Things just seem so depressing, even more so since I started my period yet again. The despair can be too much to bear sometimes. I realize that it hasn’t been a year yet, but 8 freaking months, with the last two on clomid, and still nothing, blah. What’s wrong with me??
Again, back to my original point- maybe this is it, no more children. I am blessed to have two, one here on Earth and one in heaven…..sigh- I still can’t believe this is my life….I still sometimes can’t believe my child resides in heaven, that I am ‘that parent’.
And ironically, I still have hope that maybe one day Bella will get a brother or sister to grow with, to play with, to have. I’m not sure how this hope still exists, but never the less it’s still there…maybe God’s funny joke….maybe I’m just too stubborn… who knows.
I’ve decorated Liam’s grave again this year with a small tree, which I’ll plant in my backyard after the holidays, and a kissing ball ‘wreath’ that I hung from his Shepard’s hook. It looks really nice this year. I found LED lights that are solar powered and also come on and off when it gets dark/light .
We’ll be making our annual Christmas stop by the NICU this week to drop off the preemie clothes I’ve purchased to donate- I’ve decided to make this a tradition for Christmas and Liam’s birthday. Something to represent him, something to represent the presents I might have bought my son if he were to be here on Earth with us. It’s a bittersweet thing. Something I enjoy yet brings tremendous heartache.
Bella celebrated her 3rd birthday back on November 14th, she’s just gotten so big. The doc said that she’s as big as a 5 ½ year old and I think she’s quite bright . Here are a couple pics.
I try hard to incorporate her brother into her life, but as she is getting older, and asking so many more questions, it’s getting harder….I’m struggling. I’m trying to keep it simple for her, but Liam living in heaven is not a simple thing.
Hope all is well with everyone during this ‘interesting’ time of year- peace to everyone as they make their way through Christmas.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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IT'S BEEN AWHILE...
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Nov 28, 2010 02:07am (EST)
i've been thinking about posting something for the last couple weeks....yet i find myself just staring at this screen, wondering what to say. i feel like my mind is racing, like i have lots to say, so much has been happening around me- but the words just don't seem to come.
after reading through the share blogs i find my heart heavy....it's like i just don't have enough energy to write a coherent post to my own blog let alone comment on others. sorry.
it's as if time is flying past me- i am watching the world go in circles around and around, yet i just can't seem to step off from the sidelines. blah.
wanted to post something positive, something i'm thankful for during this holiday- so hear goes.... thank you Lord for my daughter, she brings smiles of joy to my face everyday, she lifts me up when nothing else can. Thank you for my husband, i'm the luckiest girl alive to have been blessed with such and understanding, patient, and loving man. And thank you for my son- though he had such a short time in my arms, he'll live in my heart forever, sigh. (i'm still struggling with that last part- but i'm left with nothing else, no other choice).
Liam baby- i miss you so much, life seems broken without you...i still struggle with 'why' you were taken from us....the guilt and anger still resonate...i pray for peace, understanding, a new heart. love you- mommy.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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I LONG TO BE NAIVE...
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Oct 20, 2010 11:14pm (EST)
Today has been a little frustrating, and just wanted to vent. Let me back up a little bit though…
Prior to my Colorado trip I was anxious about spending 7 entire days with my pregnant bff, but in the end, I think it was exactly what I needed- I needed that ‘pregnancy thing’ in my face to help overcome my irrational ‘fears’.
So after coming home, I thought I should take the same approach with the other pregnant women in my life. So at work I’ve been hanging around the two pregnant girls more and asking more questions, sharing stories, etc.
-and now back to my original point. I can’t stand the expectation some women have that if they’ve made it past the first trimester (or even just attained pregnancy) that they’re ‘home free’.
Just today, one of the girls was talking about buying cribs and such for the baby and then said, ‘I don’t want to buy too much until I know things are safe’, I wonder when she thinks that will be????….i bit my lip and didn’t say anything, but I couldn’t help but think DOES SHE NOT REMEMBER MY SON, MY STORY, WHAT HAPPENED A LITTLE OVER 12 MONTHS AGO!!!!!!!!!!! Does she not realize so many things can go wrong up to the last minute?
I realize this comment is not that big of a deal, and most pregnant women think the same way…..but I’m so sensitive to it! I get so aggravated when I hear this sort of thing- anything insinuating ‘pregnancy = healthy baby after 40 weeks’. I hate that I have this mindset, that I know these things….i wish I was just as naïve as everyone else.
I think I’m a little over sensitive to this right now b/c after 6 months of trying I think AF is showing up today….sigh.
Oh well, Just needed to get it out.
On a more positive note, fall is here and in full force . Prior to last year, autumn was always my favorite time of year….but with everything that happened last year, and Liam’s EDD 10-23-09….last year was just terrible. This year I find myself enjoying fall again, which is nice .
Jennifer
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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SETTLING IN
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Oct 13, 2010 02:08am (EST)
Still unpacking from our vacation to Denver- which was a wonderful trip; my only regret is that i missed the SU! I love reading everyones stories about it though, sounds like it was a great time! i'll be sure to put SU2011 on my calender now...is it always at the beginning of October i wonder?
we just arrived back home a few days ago, and still haven't finished all the laundry, gone through all the mail, etc. how is it that things pile up so much after only a week?
so the trip: before we left i was back and forth between excitement  and anxiety  . i've really done a good job at pushing away all pregnant women, but with my bff 14 weeks along, and the small fact that we were staying at their house, I didn't really have that option. we had a heart to heart discussion soon after I arrived, shed many tears, and in the end i'm so happy we went! i'm so lucky to have a friend like her!
now i need to come to terms with the other three pregnant women in my life....side note, it's crazy how there's not a pregnant woman in site, and then it's 'pouring' pregnancy!!!! sigh, i'm just going to have to suck it up, deal, and move on right??
So, when i was packing for the trip, it felt strange leaving my home because Liam is buried here and it felt like i was leaving him behind. I ended up taking his photo album with me, is that wierd? and i have to say, i'm sooooo happy i got his feet tattood on my foot. this is one of the best things i've ever done in my life. being able to look down and see him there was such reassurance- he was with us on our family vacation....such a good feeling.
so overrall- the trip was great!
on the down side, hubby got really sick this morning- we thought food poisoning at first, but now i'm thinking maybe the flu. he's so sick! not such good news for me or Bella- when one person is sick in a house, everyone is sick.
Here's some vacation pics...
Bella's first cave
and
Train ride in the mountains.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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:)
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Oct 01, 2010 02:00am (EST)
…so I started a blog earlier today, and have decided to change everything….things have been stressful lately, they’ve seemed overwhelming, and I've been missing my Liam so much (sometimes it's like a hole has been ripped in my chest all over again!). But- and I’m stressing the word ‘but’- there IS a silver lining- my daughter, my husband, my life.
Bella, had her first day of preschool after labor day- I’ve attached a picture below. She’s been anticipating this day for at least 6 months, lol, and she had no problem running straight into the classroom and never looking back! I thought I might get emotional during this time, but her preschool classroom is also her Sunday school classroom, and with so much familiarity, I was okay. It’s so great watching her develop into a little girl, yet so weird to actually say 'little girl' considering she only 2! How is it that they go from tiny little babies so dependant on us, to what she is now- an independent, conversational, free thinking little person…amazing!
As for me- I’m trying to live each day. Sometimes that can be hard to do. Actually live each day with no anticipation towards the future. I’ve given up the ttc ‘charting’, ‘temping’, ‘opking’ (if that’s even a word)….too much stress!!!! Sure I want a baby, but it’s not happening this way, so I’m try something different, doing nothing. We’ll see???
I’m leaving on vacation to beautiful Colorado tomorrow. Jason and I lived there 10 years ago, and have always wanted to move back! We’re visiting friends, my bff to be specific, who is also 12 weeks preggo….i’m anxious and excited at the same time.
I so wish I was going to SU this year…to meet all of you would be so nice- to actually put a face with a name and give hugs…well, I guess that will have to wait until next year. I hope you all have a wonderful time- and make sure Stacy (no contractions!) and Zsuzsi take it easy!
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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A NEW DAY
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Sep 15, 2010 01:53pm (EST)
Thanks to all who commented on my last post- i was feeling so down after last Saturday night and once again Share has been there to comfort me during that time. over the last week, i've sulked and had myself a pity party, but now I am trying to rise above it and come to terms with my new reality.
Jealously will get me nowhere.
Hatred towards myself will get me nowhere.
Avoiding my brother and best friend will get me nowhere.
I can not run from my feelings, emotions, my life....my family is all i've got, and if i close them off too, i'll have nothing left. I don't want to look back in 20 years and regret that i was't apart of my niece/nephew's life, i don't want to look back and wish i could have seen the bigger picture...
So- i'm going to write my brother and sil a letter- something short and sweet, to the point. I don't want to delve into my feelings too much with them, but they need to know that i'm happy for their new baby. i'm afraid that if i do this in person, the words will get mixed up and come out all wrong- so if i write a letter i know i'll get it just right. I'm going to make an effort to be happy for them and keep those nasty emotions from rising to the surface. we'll see- it's alot easier said than done, but i have to try.
I'll be flying to Colorado in a couple weeks to spend some time with my bff- we made plans to visit before i knew she was pregnant, which is a good thing b/c i'm afraid that if i knew she was preggo i would never have book the plane tickets. I think this will be difficult and good for me at the same time. i've been anxious about going, almost to the point of wanting to cancel, but again, this is something i can't run away from. we've been friends for the last 15 years, we've been through so much, and i need to be there for her now.
so suck it up Jen!
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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UGGGGHHH.
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Sep 12, 2010 02:59am (EST)
Just found out my sil is pregnant- 3 months. Sigh.
I hate myself- why can’t I just be happy like a normal person? Why does my face show every emotion I’m feeling- why can’t I fake happiness? Better yet, why can’t I just be happy?
They had been trying for a year this past June, and after a year with no results they went to the doctor who explained that she might not be ovulating (she in her late 30s)…..but alas, she must have finally got pregnant, and they just didn’t want to tell anyone until they were 3 months along.
I feel like my feet have been kicked out from underneath me- my sil and I have talked about ttc, about all the issues I’m facing, about tracking our bbt’s, that she might not be ovulating with regularity anymore….even recently we’ve had these talks….and it appears she’s been preggo this whole time. Sigh.
I just wasn’t prepared for her to tell me she was pregnant (especially 3 months along!!), and I guess I wasn’t expecting it at a festival with loads of people around- I guess I was hoping she might tell me in private if the time came…instead there was a large group of people around, and all eyes were on me and Jason as we read the ‘Happy Grandparents Day’ card they made for our parents that was signed- Matthew, Aaron & Baby.
Let me say that I realize this moment is not about me, and they have no idea what life is like after you loose a child…this moment was about their good news, happy news for most people….and this is why I hate myself. I just can’t hide anything, my face always reveals exactly how I’m feeling…and when I read that card, all I felt was pain, therefore my face showed pain- interpreted by my brother as ‘mad’…..sigh. my brother actually came up to me later in the evening and asked if I was ‘mad’….yes, ‘mad’ that they are pregnant…I can’t believe that my brother had to ask me that question. That my face gave him the impression that I was mad that he’s having a baby, this really upsets me. I’m sure my sil is furious- and I tried to be interested and happy later in the evening by asking a few questions and telling them congratulations….yet I know it was a little too late.
I’m not even sure how to approach this subject with them; how to properly and coherently explain to them my feelings and emotions…hell, I’m not even sure I understand them. So what do I do? Leave the situation alone, or attempt to explain my reaction….neither option sounds good. What I would most like to do is actually option 3- be 100% happy for them, but how does that happen?
I have to mention that right after they told us they were pregnant I had a weird and worrying thought run through my mind- I’m not sure I’ll be able to hold their baby, my own niece or nephew, after he/she is born…yet another reason I hate myself. I haven’t held any baby in my arms since holding Liam as he breathed his last breath, and I’ve unconsciously decided I can’t hold any baby again until I’m holding my own….it was tonight this decision became real.
So, my sil is 12 weeks pregnant, my bff is 10 weeks pregnant, and my baby is buried in the ground- life’s great.
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Posted by liams mommy | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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