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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(1 member)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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CAMERON'S JOURNEY
Cam |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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SO FAR SO GOOD.....SORT OF
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Dec 16, 2006 10:43pm (EST)
I will be 33 weeks on Monday. I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going. Lilly is growing great. She was measuring within a couple of days of my dates at my 30 week ultrasound. I have another ultrasound scheduled for this coming Friday. They said based on her measurements at 30 weeks she was approximately 3 pounds 3 ounces. I was seen at 28 weeks and diagnosed with preterm contractions. They said the difference between preterm contractions and Braxton Hicks is the amount of them that you have. I was having them every 10 minutes. They saw me and said that since there were no cervical changes it wasn't preterm labor. They also did a fetal fibronectin test which they say can predict preterm labor with 99% accuracy. That came back negative. I had a routine appt 2 days later and was freaked out because I was still having them. They gave me terbutaline and said to take it whenever I felt I needed it. They weren't concerned but gave it to me for peace of mind. Well it worked because once I got it filled the contractions pretty much stopped. I think it was just nerves because even though I didn't deliver until 33 weeks 28 weeks was when things went bad with Cameron.
So things had gotten better until 31 weeks. I was in a meeting and started having contractions every 5 minutes. I took the medication which helped. I had more that night but didn't feel i needed the medicine. The next morning, which was a Saturday, I woke up and they started again every 5 minutes right off the bat. To make matters worse she wasn't moving. She has irregular patterns and normally I wouldn't worry. The timing was just bad because I was having contractions. I called and got the answering service who paged the doctor on call. Luckily it was my favorite doctor. They said if I didn't get a response in 20 minutes to call them again. He called back in less than 2 minutes. He said to take the med again, eat breakfast and drink juice. Then I was to lay down and monitor for an hour. If she didn't move at least 5 times or if I had 6 or more contractions I needed to call back. The medicine, juice and breafast did the trick. I went about my day because everything was back to normal. That night out of nowhere they started again. I called and got the doc on call again- different doctor though. She said to take the medication but to be on bedrest for the night. I followed her directions and things got better. I went to bed and things were fine. I woke up at 5:55 the following morning and they were coming again every 5 minutes. I called the doc on call again. I wasn't comfortable just continuing to take the medication without being checked. She agreed and told me to come to the hospital right away.
When we got there it was eerie. We had the same bed in triage and the same nurse we had when I went into labor with Cameron. They put me on the monitor. After a few seconds of holding my breath I heard the rythmic beat of Lilly's heart and Trevor and I both let out a huge sigh of relief. They kept me on the monitor the whole time I was there. They checked me and thankfully there were still no cervical changes. They did another fetal fibronectin-those tests are good for 2 weeks so the one I had previously wasn't valid anymore. Luckily all of my tests came back negative, but even being on medication while I was at the hospital my contractions were increasing both in frequency and in intensity. They checked me again a few hours later and still no cervical changes so they let me go. They didn't know why I was having them but they weren't doing anything. They sent me home with instructions for strict bedrest and fluids.
Trevor forcefed me so much water I thought I would drown. He wouldn't let me off the couch for anything but to use the bathroom- which was a lot with all the water he was making me drink. I've been having the contractions the whole week now. I've been to the doctor twice since the day I went to the hospital. There are still no changes. They said that this might be baseline for me and I might just be uncomfortable like this until I go into real labor. They say I have "an irritable uterus." They said if I can make it to 35 weeks they won't try to stop labor if it comes. They said that their belief is that if I go into labor there is a reason my body is trying to get the baby out and they won't interfere.
So they still have me monitoring things for any changes. So far things are ok. I have my hospital bag and the diaper bag packed. I thought I was being nerotic at first but the bag has already been to the hospital once so I guess not. I will be getting the car seat installed in the car in the next week or so.
In the midst of all this we've been getting ready for Christmas. I had a tough time decorating. I was doing great getting my tree together until I came across some ornaments that were bought for Cameron. At that point I lost any interest in decorating. I put enough ornaments on the tree so it didn't look bare and put the rest away. I figured I'd do better next year when Lilly is here. I went up into my room and went through the things in Cameron's treasure chest and just cried. It was the hardest I've cried in a while. After that I felt better....sort of. His first birthday is coming up and I'm dreading it. I don't know what I'll do. I keep trying to think of ideas for projects for the day to honor him but nothing seems right. I don't want to lay in bed and cry all day. I want to honor him. I guess when the idea comes I'll know it.
That's all for now. I know this has been a really long blog but I've been away for a while. Hope everyone is doing well and that you all have a happy holiday season!!
Tabitha, Cameron and Lilly's Mommy
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Posted by Cam | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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GROWING LILLY
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Nov 17, 2006 12:19am (EST)
I'm now at 28 weeks. Lilly is growing exactly the way she should. I'm still unbelievably tense right now because this is the point where things went so terribly wrong with Cameron. I've been having what I'm told are pre-term contractions for a few days but have been assured I'm not going into pre-term labor. Today my belly measured 28 and a half cm. Her heartbeat was safely in the 150's. When the midwife pushed my belly to feel where she was Lilly kicked her hand. She has started to recognize her Daddy's voice. My husband has talked to her and told her that even though she wants to see him she needs to wait a little while longer before trying again.
I'm starting to get little feet up in my ribs. Cameron never got big enough to do that. Although it isn't the most comfortable thing I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm feeling so blessed to have these little discomforts. Sometimes I feel like I don't know her personality yet and other times I feel like I KNOW she's a little diva. She likes to move into certain positions that make it hard to feel her kick.....luckily she's getting big enough that it really doesn't matter where she faces. I feel it now matter what. I've found it difficult at times to lean forward because there is something pushing up in my ribs. A couple of weeks ago I felt something of hers (I'm guessing a little foot) wrap around something of mine- I think it was my rib. Now she is laying on a slant and her little bum or her feet are up in my left rib.
Anyway, she is growing great and in my last ultrasound she was very determined to get her foot into her mouth. I'm going to start having ultrasounds every 4 weeks until delivery now and I'll have non-stress tests twice per week starting at 32 weeks just to make sure she is still happy in there.
Hope everyone else is doing well. I haven't had a chance to read other blogs for a while. I'm hoping to get to do that this weekend.
Tabitha, Cameron and Lilly's Mommy
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Posted by Cam | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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FOR ANYONE WHO HAS SUFFERED THIS LOSS
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Oct 15, 2006 11:35pm (EST)
Today Iwas feeling reall well and decided to return the favor and start reading some other blogs to offer support to others. I read one blog and was brought right back ot the pain and despair you feel when you lose a baby. There is nothing more tragic. I didn't actually start to feel those feelings again but I started to remember what it felt like in those first few weeks and months after losing Cameron. I relate to all of those feelings people describe and the uncertainty of your future or ability to cope. I know we all have unique situations but we really all have so much in common.
I think this website is wonderful but I'm sorry to say this in not a club I ever wanted a membership to. I, like I'm sure all of you, hate that I will wake up every day for the rest of my life without my baby. I've accepted it as reality but its still the most heartbreaking thing. Although I'm in a much different place than I was, I will never forget the most painful experience of my life. Because I remember this I wanted to send out big hugs to everyone who has experienced the loss of a baby at any point.
I wanted to send a message to everyone who still feels the way I did months ago to keep going. Everyday feels like a pointless chore for a while. Then, little by little, the happy memories of the short time with our babies starts to shine through. Eventually you begin to see the joy life has to offer again....and yes there really will be joy again. I promise. When you're ready it will be there. Our little ones are never forgotten but always loved and cherished. They go on in our hearts for eternity.
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Posted by Cam | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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UPDATE FROM THE DOCTOR
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Oct 11, 2006 01:05am (EST)
I went to the doctor today and got my question answered about "normal" discharge (see my earlier blog). It turns out it really is normal. The doctor I saw today explained how it looks different and how it feels different. She also examined me and there is no evidence of amniotic fluid. She also did an ultrasound and saw that there is plenty of amniotic fluid around Lilly. I asked about her movement. When they move that thing all over its hard to tell if its the baby or the picture that's moving. It turns out Lilly was moving so much that the doctor was moving around just to be able to keep her in the picture.....surprise, surprise. Lilly was active. She measured my fundal height which was 24cm- perfect!!
I spoke to my in-laws tonight at dinner and Lilly has been invited to her first 2 weddings already. Two of my husband's cousins are getting married next summer and they've sent a save the date to include babies. I'm already thinking of the pretty little dresses and shoes I can dress her up in.
For now I'll settle for the daydreams and all the little kicks. I'll dream of the day I finally get to put a baby in that cradle and change a baby on that changing table, and of the day we finally get to bring a baby home to join our lives that we have been prepared to fill with a chubby little miracle that we will love forever.
Tabitha, Cameron and Lilly's Mommy
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Posted by Cam | Comments: (0) | Permalink
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FEELING BETTER
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Oct 10, 2006 11:38am (EST)
I want to start by saying thank you to all of you for your support. I feel like I'm in a different place than I was even a few months ago and wasn't sure it was right to come here anymore but now i'm sure it is. I'm thinking about the suggestion a few of you made about changing my screen name to incorporate both of my babies so logging on with Cameron's name still serves the purpose but I can also talk about Lilly. I'm not ready to do it quite yet but I'm thinking about it.
I am starting to feel more calm about this pregnancy. Its not because of some startling revalation or anything. Its simply because Lilly is so unbelievably active that my belly bounces all over the place when she kicks. She kicks in the fron, back, both sides, top and bottom. I don't remember Cameron ever kicking this hard. Its not uncomfortable at all and I look down at my belly and try to picture where her little bum is and where her head is, what she's doing with her hands.....I feel like (for the most part) she'll let me know if anything is wrong.
The only thing that still worries me is the "normal" discharge. They say you have a normal increase when you're pregnant and even an increase throughout pregnancy. The problem is when I went to my doctor (the first time around) I thought I was leaking fluid at 28 weeks. He said it was "normal" hormonal discharge. The night I delivered there wasn't any fluid left and Cameron's cord, which had wrapped very tightly around his neck wasn't kept lubricated so it got tight enough to form a big blood clot. He didn't get any oxygen or nutrients. So......my problem now is how do I know if I'm leaking? At my last appt I was concerned about the increase. I saw a midwife (the doctor I was supposed to see was delivering a baby at the hospital). She used one of tose lovely metal, sterile speculums and said it was "normal" discharge. She didn't use a swab or test it in any way. She said it was "more watery than normal" but that was "normal" because of the increase in estrogen that occurs with pregnancy. Does anyone know how they can tell?
That is the one part that still makes me nervous. I did the fear release exercise with my hypnobirthing and it has helped so much. I was scared about every possibility....even things that had nothing to do with how I lost Cameron. It has helped with that. This is the only fear I can't shake. I don't know if I'll be able to.
My instructor gave me another suggestion based on my history. She said that if there is some kind of fear that I can't get passed to help me relax she may be able to get me in with a regular hypnotherapist who works at the same place. The reason she recommends her instead of someone else is because this woman is also trained in hypnobirthing so she knows how to use the 2 techniques together. She said it may help me to get passed some of the fears that might prevent me from being able to relax and use the hypnobirthing, which I really want to do. Has anyone used real hypnosis for anything or have any insight into this? I know some relatives of mine have used it to quit smoking and it worked like a charm but I'm not sure about how it changes feelings.
Trevor is in Germany right now for business. This is the 3rd time his company tried to send him and he finally got to go. He transfered jobs internally in his company last year around Christmas. He was scheduled to go once and we lost Cameron the week before. The second time they tried to send him we found out the day before that his cancer had spread. We live in NH. He made it to JFK in NY. He tried to go thinking if he could run away and pretend it didn't exist he could deal with it when he got home. The further from home he got the worse he felt so he called my Dad (who works for the same company) and asked him to help get him home. So this is attempt #3 and he finally made it. He isn't having any fun because he is staying in a very poor, non-touristy town, can't read signs, can't talk to anyone and can't find any place to eat other than McDonalds. He also wasn't thrilled about leaving his pregnant wife at home alone. He went to lunch with my Dad before leaving and told him he was worried. My Dad promised him that he and my Mom would take care of me while he was gone.
I took this week off. With all that's happened this year I haven't had a break at all. I took 2.5 weeks off after Cameron. I couldn't stand staying home alone in a a quet house so I went back to work. That wasn't any "break." The next time I took a week off I was taking care of Trevor when he came home after the surgery to remove the cancer. He was in rough shape and that certainly wasn't a "break." So this week I'm off. I'm doing things when I feel like it, not on someone else's time table. I'm shopping for my new baby, still talking about Cameron but with a renewed sense of jsut being his Mommy and not so devastatingly sad. I'm doing house chores when I'm in the mood, my in-laws are coming over for dinner and they graciously asked if we could just order out so I don't need to cook or clean up. Its been nice so far. I have an appt with my OBGYN today. I plan on asking about the "normal" discharge. I aslo need to get my dog (the very first baby) to the vet for his shots. I took him for his physical a while ago but he was sick.
That's all that I can think of that's been going on for a while. I just have time to sit and write it all finally. Again, I appreciate the enormous support from everyone. Its nice to hear from people who know how I feel, both about loving and losing Cameron and now hoping for Lilly.
Tabitha, Cameron and Lilly's Mommy
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Posted by Cam | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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MAKING PROGRESS
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Oct 01, 2006 10:19pm (EST)
I've been making some progress...finally! Lilly is kicking lots. She likes to face backwards so I don't feel her kicks as strongly but there's no missing them. I love it and don't feel like I need an ultrasound everytime I go for an appointment. I've had some tense moments. I started having Braxton Hicks last Sunday. One more and I was definetely calling the doctor. I convinced myself to calm down, drink some water and rest. I ended up falling asleep and they stopped. They also felt stronger than I remember them being with Cameron but I was told they can come earlier with each pregnancy and they feel stronger after the first. I guess part of it is not recognizing them for what they are the first time around.
I've been going to hypnobirthing classes and I swear its a God send!! The first class was based on how it all works and a relaxation exercise. It went pretty well. It was a while before I could get to another class (the instructor is doing one on one classes with me because of my situation). When I went on Friday night she did this incredible fear release exercise with me that has, so far, worked wonders! I suddenly don't feel like doom is lurking around every corner. I don't know if its permanent and if not I have no idea how long it will last. All I do know is that I'm finally starting to feel optimistic and I don't want to second guess it.
I know I don't come on here much to offer support to others. I have trouble coming back here sometimes. I feel like I keep bringing up a very painful past when I log in with my son's name. I've thought of starting another name so I can tell you all about Lilly but then it feels wrong. I started this blog to share my story about Cam. Its confusing and easier some times just not to log on. I hope you all understand.
Tabitha, Cameron and Lilly's Mommy
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Posted by Cam | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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ANOTHER SCARE
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Sep 13, 2006 11:46pm (EST)
So in my last blog I said that the ultrasound tech said that all of Lilly's organs looked great. What she didn't tell me, which I found out at my prenatal appointment yesterday, is that there was a spot on her heart. They sent me to a perinatologist today for a level 2 ultrasound. I also met with a genetic counselor. This all scared me half to death. My doctor said these things are usually nothing but because of my history he wanted me to be seen by a specialist. I made the hour and a half drive this morning. I was so grateful that they could get me in the next day and not make me sit and think worst case scenario for a week or more. I guess a lot of babies with Downs Syndrome have this same spot on their hearts. I wouldn't love her any less but I want her to have a normal happy life and I think our family deserves that after everything we've been through.
So after I met with the genetic counselor she said there aren't any other risks that she can identify. I had the ultrasound and met with the perinatologist. She said everything else looks perfect. She thinks the spot is completely benign and the spot is jsut a calcium deposit called an echogenic focus. She said both of her babies had them and they are perfectly healthy.
This was luckily just a scare and it looks like she is great. The other good news is that we got better pictures. They are much more clear. They also got a perfect shot and there is no doubt that she's a girl. We saw her yawn, she tried to suck her thumb but kept getting her nose and then we saw her stretch and her legs were pushing out so hard! She looked beautiful if I do say so myself. I was very excited when I left. I didn't realize how worked up I was until I found out everything was ok. Then I became really excited and then exhausted!! I have great pictures I'll post but right now I'm wiped and need to turn in early.
By the way, for anyone trying again or who is pregnant again I discovered hypnobirthing. Regardless of what it does for the labor I've found it to be a big help with pregnancy. It helps me hold onto the happy memories about my pregnancy with Cameron but it really helps me to separate the sad stuff so I don't obsess (as much) about it happening again.
Tabitha, Cameron and Lilly's Mommy
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Posted by Cam | Comments: (1) | Permalink
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DON'T FEEL LIKE I BELONG ANYMORE
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Aug 18, 2006 12:15am (EST)
The title says it all. I feel like because I'm being given this great gift of another baby I don't belong on SHARE anymore. I was having a really hard time with anxiety. Everytime I would think about this pregnancy or this baby I would re-live what happened to Cameron. I went back to my therapist. She helped me see how to seperate the two. It does take real effort but I finally feel like I'm able to bond with and love this little miracle.
I had another appointment today. My new doctor is wonderful and lets me come in whenever I need to. I go every 2 weeks. Today I took a disturbing triage call from a pregnant woman right before leaving for my appointment. He didn't hesitate to do an ultrasound. At first I got scared because the baby was laying so still. The I realized he/she was sleeping when I saw the heartbeat flashing wildly on the screen. Out of nowhere a little foot popped up! The baby is laying sideways. That explains why when I feel those light kicks I'm feeling it on both sides.
I go for my official anatomy ultrasound on September 7th. That is where I find out if I'm having a boy or girl. I'll keep you posted. I will always miss Cameron but I'm finding that I am able to love this baby and look forward to the future. 
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Posted by Cam | Comments: (1) | Permalink
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