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PARSONS BROOD
jack-n-kates_mom |
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BABY KATE
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Apr 20, 2009 06:59pm (EST)
Jack was 3 when Kate died and we tried to explain to him the best we could without scaring him. He was okay with it. We told him that sometimes God just needs those special babies with him to watch over us. So far that answer has worked.
This past weekend we had a blast. My good friend Michelle and her daughter Hailey came down for Thunder over Lousiville, the big kickoff to Derby stuff. During that time, Jack and Hailey got all of his stuffed animals out and put them on his bed. He also found a Ty beanie baby, but one of the bigger ones. He got that when he had an MRI done at the hospital when he was 1. It's such a pretty bear, it's all white and has silver and white angel wings. He's named the bear baby Kate, well ever since Sunday anyway.
Everynight about 4 in the morning he goes to the bathroom and then quietly climbs in bed with me. I don't ever hear a thing until I feel two cold feet go into my back about 7 in the morning. Last night he brought that bear with him to my bed. Today before he left to go to school he had to go get baby Kate to put her back in his room. He's been asking a lot about Kate lately, wanting to know more detail, asking about baby Sam. Why did they have to get dead, is Kate an angel, can she see me, why isn't she here, what would she look like? Honestly, it just brings me to tears. I tell him that God had to take Kate because he needed her and that it made me realize what an awesome kid he is and that I get to spend all of our time together. He's still asking for a baby brother. I just smile and say, I think he's the best kid anyone can ask for and that sometimes moms and dads get one kid and sometimes mom and dads get 18 kids, but whatever God has planned is right for our family. It's tough, but I think its what he needs to hear.
Tonight though, tonight it got me. I was reading him a book before bed and he had ALL of his animals on the bed, ranging from a bear bigger than him to a snake, chicken, Reds dog, meowing cat, and of course baby Kate. I asked him what he wanted to sleep on the other side of him and he said, "I want to sleep with my sister," and proceeded to kiss the bear and lay the bear gently beside me, between him and me. Wow, his sister. He shouldn't have to drage a bear around pretending its his sister. NOT FAIR!!
Okay, so that pulled at my heartstrings and yet made me proud. It brings tears just thinking about it and bringing back all of those emotions. The love my son has for his sister is amazing to me. He never met her, never held her, never saw her, only on the ultrasound but they had a connection even then.
He's getting older and I know he's going to start asking more and more questions. I hope I'm giving him answers that not only will suffice for now, but aren't over the top for his 5-year-old brain to try to wrap around.
I hate all that my son has been through. Nothing bad ever happened to me when I was his age. My grandfather died when I was 4 but I didn't understand and I don't remember him much, yet here is Jack, losing a sister, then another sibling to being a kid of divorced parents. He doesn't deserve this.
I really keep thinking its going to get better, I really do, especially for Jack. Hopefully it will.
I'm usually not a Debbie Downer, but I know you all understand where I'm coming from, yet I'm sorry you do understand, but I'm so thankful for that.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (9) | Permalink
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QUESTIONS
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Apr 13, 2009 06:33am (EST)
Through this whole separation/whatever you call it, Jack has been awesome. I told him that sometimes moms and dads are better when friends when they don't live together and until now he has accepted that, until yesterday. First, let me start off by saying my Easter was great. I finagled my way into getting Jack Saturday night and Sunday until 3. It was supposed to be a "daddy weekend", but I told Brett that he could sleep in on Sunday and that I would take Jack to church so woohoo for me. I just gotta keep this up for the next 13 years so I can have Jack on all holidays. Oops, did I just say that outloud.
Anyway, after church Jack and I went to one of our friends house where all of our friends were and their boys (all have boys the same age) and we had Easter lunch there. I told Brett I would have Jack back to him by 3 o'clock which I did. Anyway, on the way back over to his dads, Jack asked me to stay a little bit at his dads place and hang out. I've told him before that girls weren't allowed. Well that was just stupid, because Brett's roommate has a daughter who is 23 who is there visiting sometimes. Jack told me that girls were allowed so I told him girls who are 30 years old aren't allowed. He said oh...and he then asked me when dad was coming home. ugh, how do you answer that without making his dad sound bad. I wanted to say, your dad doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me, but honestly that would be a lie. I truly don't want to be with him either, yet I would take him back in a heartbeat if he was willing to stop playing the game and change his ways back to his old self but I know thats not happening.
I told Jack that his dad is happy living with Larry and that right now dad just wants to be with him (Jack) and grandma and papaw. I just didn't know how to answer that. I told him that dad and I don't want to be married anymore...and then I just stopped. I shouldn't be doing this, I wasn't going to get divorced, that wasn't going to be me. I didn't want to be another statistic. I've been a statistic too many times and now Jack has too.
I've been feeling this guilt for a while now. Guilty for not keeping Jack in and preventing his premature birth. Guilty for not knowing Kate was gone until I didn't hear her heartbeat. Guilty for not making my marriage work. I have learned that Jack isn't going to benefit from my guilt. I refuse to buy him things to make up for his dad not being here, thats not going to help anything. Actually I've given Jack more responsibilities that now he has to help me a lot so he takes out the trash, takes his dinner plate to the sink and will even put the silverware up out of the dishwasher. I told him that he and I have to work as a team and he's been amazing through all of this. Just the little things he does makes me feel better. For example, last week I went to his school to take him his lunchbox because it was not a good cafeteria day, (gross food) and I met him there in his lunchroom. He sat down and while eating he was rubbing my back. Seriously, could I have asked for a better kid, such a sweetie.
We are going to have a live chat on April 21st at 2 pm EST about feeling Guilty. Liza Cooper, March of Dimes staffer and NICU Family Support Director will be our guest host. Please join us on that day if you can. I know we've all felt guilt at one time or another.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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WONDERING
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Apr 08, 2009 06:48am (EST)
I've been wondering a lot about different things. Would my marriage still be intact if Kate would have lived? I wonder if he would have left anyway? I wonder what my life would be like being a single mom with two kids, one 5 and one 2. Sometimes I wonder how much child support he would have to pay for two kids. Sometimes I wonder if he would get both kids on his day. I don't know why I have these thoughts, I guess it's the same as me wondering what Kate would be doing if she were here right now. Sometimes I think that if Kate were here none of this would have happened, but then I wonder if Kate were here, would he be here because of Jack and Kate being so little. How dare him lie to me for a year and a half about loving me, about wanting to be with me. I knew the answer all along, but he has never lied to me before so I didn't have a reason not to believe him. I just thought he needed some space and some time to turn himself around.
And then sometimes I wonder if Kate had to leave so I could get through this. Going through what I'm going through now is a piece of cake compared to losing your baby. This is a walk in the park. Yes I have mourned the loss of my marriage, but its nothing like losing your baby. When you lose your baby you don't want to be in public, you don't want to see pregnant people. Losing your marriage isn't as difficult as that. Sometimes I see couples out and sometimes, very rarely, do I wish that were me. Mostly I'm glad it's not. LOL Mostly I'm glad that I don't have to deal with making someone else happy besides myself and Jack. Mostly I'm glad I don't have more laundry to do, more stuff to pick up and mostly I'm glad that I never have to cook big meals, but sometimes it would be nice to pick up after someone else, have someone there to hang out with in the evenings, but I'm used to things being like this. Brett checked himself out a long time ago and this is what I've gotten used to. It's hard to miss someone who hasn't been there for so long.
I've been through worse and I'll get through this. I don't like to say things happened for a reason, but I wonder sometimes if losing Kate was just a way to prepare me for this. Nothing bad has ever happened to me until I lost Kate and since then I've had two more bad things happened (miscarriage and now this), but nothing as bad as losing her.
Then I look at Jack and see how awesome he is. He's doing amazingly well. He asks when his dad is coming home and when I say he's not, he says okay and goes on about his way, playing, laughing, making fart noises with is mouth because THATS the thing to do right now. He's been my rock through this. Without Jack I think I would be in shambles, but he's motivated me to get in shape, stay healthy and have more fun than I have in years. I've been riding 12 to 14 miles on a bicycle at the gym, lifting weights, doing cardio. Well, mostly because in about a year I may have to have another boyfriend and being a fatty just ain't cuttin it. For now though Jack is a great cuddler and told me he could my boyfriend. Perfect....
Love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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MARCH FOR BABIES
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Apr 06, 2009 06:57am (EST)
So I've been wracking my brain about M4B this year. With things changing in the Parsons household, finances being split, I just don't think I can do it and that hurts. I started my team in 2007, the year Kate died. I needed something like that and what a better way to remember Kate than having our very first walk on her due date. On April 26, 2007, Jack's Rat Pack made it's first appearance. We did it last year also and it was great, I volunteered with the family teams committee and loved it and also with the idea from Angi (Phoenix's mom), I did my walk's Angle Avenue. They still have the t-shirts and are using them again. I'm super excited about that!!
What I'm not excited about is that I just can't do it this year. This was a walk that I started doing for Kate and thought it was great that the MOD also benefited Jack when he was born with surfactant. Sadly, I just don't have the energy this year nor the focus.
From being a family of three to now just me and Jack, well it's mind-numbing, life-changing and having to starting over has me looking for apartments, figuring out what can fit in a smaller place and what school Jack will go into, needless to say I have a lot on my plate right now. I'm hoping to do something this year, such as some kind of tournament, something. I know economically this has not been the best year for donations. I just feel like I've let Kate down, so I've decided I'm going to volunteer more in the NICU, be available at my support group to others who have recently lost, but sadly this year Jack's Rat Pack just isn't going to be a team.
There is always next year and maybe my life will be more on track again. You never know the difference a year can make.
Good luck in all your walks!! I look forward to hearing about them.
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (8) | Permalink
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I'M SO SICK (LITTLE LIAR)
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Mar 23, 2009 08:06am (EST)
I'm not sick and neither is Jack, but during the school week everyday at 8:15, when I tell him he has 15 minutes until he has to get ready he gets a stomache or is dizzy. The little liar.  I keep trying to explain that one day he's going to feel bad and be sick and I won't believe him and send him to school feeling that way. He said, but he is so sick. Yet everyday, he starts getting ready for school, even gets in the car and things are all good.
I didn't think lying started so early. At 5, really? This early? Really?
Little stinker... Everyday I tell him that if he's that sick the school will call me. Oops...pass that mom of the year award this way.
Gotta love him though.
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (10) | Permalink
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JACK P.'S MOM
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Mar 17, 2009 06:36am (EST)
That's me, I'm Jack P.'s mom. This morning Jack and I went to Lights! Camera! Book Fair! at his school. Parents went this morning and they had mini-pancakes (banana nut yummm!) and then we could shop for books. We had our pancakes and he picked out a Spongebob Book, some kind weird Bakugan book and then a dinosaur book. He's big into dinosaurs, I mean big. He woke up last Friday morning at the ungodly hour of 6:30 telling me that there is a baby dinosaur downstairs and that we had to feed it. Last night he said he was a T-Rex and when I asked what I was he said I was the mommy T-Rex. I asked where the daddy T-Rex was and he said that the daddy T-Rex lives somewhere else. woops... Oh well, he's only going by what he knows.
Anyway, while at the book fair we saw some of his classmates and friends and then while I was leaving and Jack was in his classroom two of his classmates were walking down the hall and get this kind of look on their face like what the.... Well not really that, but I'm just saying. They point at me and say "Hey, Jack P.'s mom!!!" They get all excited.
That makes me feel pretty neato and makes me feel like my kid is growing up way too fast. He's already lost two teeth, he's had many girlfriends and sometimes more than one at a time, gets love letters and has sleepovers. Seriously, I tell him to quit growing but apparently he's not listening. I had to buy him all new summer clothes because unless your a chick, 5-year-old boys shouldn't be pulling off Daisy Dukes.
Today I was thinking about all that I've been through. From watching my son have to grow in an incubator, be fed through his g-tube, watching my daughter be still on the sonogram, being told again that there is no heartbeat and having a miscarriage to watching my marriage crumble before my eyes. I don't know what God is trying to tell me, but I can tell you this, the time I spend with Jack is precious to me. Even more than before that is. Knowing that I can devote all of my free time to him...well it's opened my eyes. He loves me, he's proud of me too, he told me so last night how good of a mommy and sometimes daddy I am.
He still loves his dad, he still sees his dad, but when he only sees his dad every other day and every other weekend, well his dad doesn't put him to bed everyday, he doesn't take him to school or fix the problems. I'm trying to fill those shoes but still telling Jack that he has a good daddy who loves him and he knows that, but that his dad needs to sort some things out. This we know for sure, I don't miss Brett. You don't miss someone who was never really there mentally in the first place. Times are tough right now, but I'm good, less stressed and better than I've felt in the past two years.
Speaking of juggling my home life, join us Thursday, March 19th at 7:30 pm for our live chat with Denise Rock on Juggling Work and Home Life!! I know I'm excited that this is an evening chat. Come hang out with us in the community center chat!!
Peace and love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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THE NIGHT OFF
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Mar 04, 2009 07:25am (EST)
When I was pregnant with Jack I worked at a dermatologist office doing transcription. I made pretty good money, but it was a regular 9 to 5, working downtown job. We lived 30 minutes from downtown so at rush hour in the morning and the evening it took close to an hour to get to work and an hour to get home.
Jack came 7 weeks early and I wasn't able to go back to work until he was 12 weeks old, which was fine, but we had just closed on our brand new house. We needed my income at that time. We didn't think Jack was going to come early, but obviously no one does. We thought we had 7 more weeks to build up our savings and rebudget ourself, get our house painted before Jack came and that didn't happen.
Jack started daycare at 13 weeks old and was sick ALL the time. He started a nebulizer three times a day at 6 months old and was on them off and on for the next 15 months. When he was 2 I started working from home for a big transcription company, one where I didn't make enough but I thought Jack still needed to be in daycare so I could get my work done. At this time we lived back in our hometown. Yep, I sold my brand new house, packed up our stuff and headed home. We were only there for 10 months when we realized what a HUGE mistake we made so we moved back to Da'Ville.
I decided to keep Jack home with me and he did great. It took him a while to get adjusted to the fact that I couldn't play every second of the day, but I could always get him something to eat and drink and if he gave me so much amount of time to work then I would give him a certain amount of time of play. Three years later and things work good. I can work my full day without too many stops while Jack is not at school. Except now I actually have a life besides work and Jack. I have friends and volunteering with the MOD and also keeping my house clean and laundry straightened. This has become an even harder chore due to the recent "changes" in the Parsons household. I do it all on my own without the pleasure of having a father to keep Jack busy and play with him.
Do I feel guilty? You bet I do, but Jack understands and I guess over the last three years he's adjusted himself to entertaining himself while I worked. Except the other night, on Sunday. My schedule is Sunday through Thursday and on Sundays I work in the evenings while the rest of the week I work while he's at school and am finished before he even gets home. On Sunday he asked me to take the night off. Man, did I ever feel guilty. I told him that I couldn't because I want to take the night off so we can see our family during his spring break. He understood, but then he saw me on the laptop while I was supposed to be working e-mailing our NICU committee about the upcoming Easter stuff that we are doing. oops.
Do you have to juggle home and work all the time? Well come and talk about it at our next live chat with Denise Rock and yes, my friend She ROCKS!! The chat takes place on Thursday, March 19, at 7:30 p.m. EST It's a night chat, so we can have our working moms and dads be able to join us.
Hope to see you there,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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MARCH FOR BABIES 09' HELP!!
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Feb 03, 2009 03:06pm (EST)
When I found I was pregnant with Kate my due date was April 28, 2007. When Kate was stillborn January 17, 2007, I wondered if her due date would always bother me.
After Kate died I found myself wanting to do something in her memory, something that could involve my family and friends without being. In March I got contacted by Angi (Phoenix's Mom) and found out we live in the same area, our kids were born at the same hospital and she told me about our NICU Family Support at said hospital and told me it was March of Dimes related. Immediately I thought of Walkamerica and thought it would be a great idea to start a team in honor of Jack and especially in memory of Kate. Can you guess our walk date? April 28, 2007, Kate's due date. What better way to honor Kate than to do this amazing walk, for amazing kids with amazing people, on her due date.
I started with my family and of course they were up for it and my two best friends who were all about it. I had trouble deciding where to do my walk. Do I do it here in Louisville where the walk is HUGE, but I probably wouldn't get too many to walk with me? Do I do it back in my hometown since my family and close friends want to participate but I don't have enough room to house everyone for the weekend? I chose to do it in my hometown. Our family team is Jack's Rat Pack and man was I excited, but I kind of felt like I went in with a blindfold on.
When do I start doing this? When do I start doing that? Heck, I'm still that way this year and I started my team in 2007. Last year I didn't have as many people walking and some of the walkers just weren't into it, not getting donations and I have this feeling that they're doing this just for me, not for Jack, not for Kate. Oh well. Things hopefully will get better and I hope to get some ideas very soon, next Tuesday to be exact. Heck, next Tuesday at 2 pm EST here on Share, in the community center. Can you guess whats coming up?
If you guessed a live chat with Kara McBurney, family teams specialist for the March of Dimes then you got it right on the dime (get it?). Kara will be talking about Gearing Up for March for Babies. I know you all will have tons of questions to ask, I know I have lots myself.
Hope to see you there!!
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (7) | Permalink
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SHE WOULD BE 2
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Jan 20, 2009 03:58pm (EST)
I haven't been on Share and I haven't really blogged about Saturday, Kate's birthday. I was just so bummed, not necessarily because it was her bithday but because I wasn't with the people who I knew would really understand. I was with my family and one of my best friends, but not the ones who would totally get it, and understand why a balloon release can be so healing. Friday I was supposed to travel to said friends house and stay with six other friends all in honor of another friend, but my body decided to do what it did last year. Thursday night I woke up feeling achey, headache and had chills. Friday I woke up and felt like a truck had ran me over. I did this last year. Last year Jack also got sick the day before Kate's birthday. Last year he got croup and was on steroids. This year I was packed, ready to go on a road trip for a girls weekend and wasn't able to. Oh well, there will be other times, but how nice it would have been to have been with those special friends.
Saturday, Brett had to work and I definitely did not want to be by myself. Since I felt better with no more aches, no more chills, just the recovering drug phase, I decided to drive 2.5 hours to my hometown where Kate is burried and where our family still lives. I packed up a few things for Jack and myself and we took off. I haven't been to Kate's grave since memorial weekend and decided I should go. I didn't feel the best, but I wasn't necessarily sad this year. My best friend and her little girl went with me and Jack and her daughter and myself released a balloon each. I got Kate some new flowers to put in the vase, but it was a low key kind of day.
I keep thinking that the fog and darkness is going to come and make me feel blah again, but it hasn't. I keep waiting though. It was actually kind of nice this year minus the flu-like symptoms. I would have rather been where my original plans were supposed to take me, but for some reason last year, and this year, I've gotten sick on Kate's birthday and Jack as well. Except this year I got sick the day before and Jack got sick two days after. Yesterday before heading home he woke up saying his stomach hurt but he was still playing and went to the bathroom a couple of times. We finally made it home after stopping only once and he walked in the door and started throwing up. He didn't go to school today and has been since his last "episode", keeping down toast and a toasted cheese sandwich with some Sprite and Pedialyte.
I wonder why though, both years, Jack and myself have gotten sick on her birthday. Does Jack get sick so I have some kind of distraction? Do I get sick because maybe my immune system is down just from feeling kind of blah. Of course since I came home I'm now getting a bladder/urinary tract infection. Those are fun, but why, just out of the blue do I get one of those when I haven't had them in years? I swear your immune system just kind of shuts down when your feeling out of sorts.
Maybe every year Kate's birthday will get easier. This year was actually really nice. I was at my parents house, laying around, and was happy. We talked about Kate and it was a day of remembering but it was a good day, not a sad, crying day. The anticipation wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst either. I still wonder if the bad days are coming or if I'm just okay now. Maybe I've accepted the fact that she won't be here for her birthday. Last year I got the pea pod tattoo so I had something to look forward to. Maybe these two years of healing, two years of blogtherapy on Share have helped..maybe?
I still wonder what she would looke like now that she's 2, would she be mischievious, would she be strong-willed, would she be loving and sweet? I'll get those answers one day, but until then Happy 2nd Birthday Kate.
Much love,
Kelly
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Posted by jack-n-kates_mom | Comments: (14) | Permalink
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