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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(2 members)
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laurageb6 |
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sam7126 |
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DJ JAZZY JUDE
saffron |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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I FEEL THE EARTH MOVE
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May 01, 2009 05:43pm (EST)
Title - references the very recent earthquake that happened as I began to write this... Oh the fun of living in Southern California!
Our big March for Babies happened last weekend here in Los Angeles. I was in the family teams tent, so I missed a lot of what was happening on the stage. But I was busy, busy, busy at the tent. I got to hang out with a few other Share moms - Olivia Leigh's mom, and Sethman's mom. I also got to meet Olivia Leigh and Seth - I tell you, that's what keeps me going. To see these babies who have come so far... I see it every day with my own son, but it's humbling to see it in other kids as well.
I spent most of the time during the walk in the family teams tent putting the quilt together. It's incredible to see all of the time and energy people put in to remembering and honoring their preemies. When March for Maddie's mom - Heather came up to hand off her square, I wasn't sure what to say. I asked her how she was doing and thanked her for coming. She spoke before the march - it's on YouTube. It makes me think about what all mothers who have lost a child must go through. I know so many of you have experienced that... and the strength all of you have amazes me and makes me want to keep fighting.
Here is a link to her speech. heather spohr's speech
The March for Maddie team has raised over $50,000 for the March of Dimes.
Jenn
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Posted by saffron | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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GOD ONLY KNOWS
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Apr 14, 2009 08:57pm (EST)
I haven't blogged yet this year. But I have been logging in and reading and commenting upon occasion...
Today I went to a funeral for an adorable little girl. Maddie Spohr was an adorable 17-month-old girl. I never had the chance to meet Maddie in person, but her mother, Heather, is a member of the Los Angeles Family Teams committe.
Maddie's passing has made the local news and is starting to be picked up by national outlets. Her family team, Marching for Maddie will be walking at the Los Angeles march and at different walk sites across the country.
Maddie's story is heartbreaking.
You can see more of her story at:
www.marchformaddie.com
This year Team Donovan will be marching with Maddie. I am marching in the hope that I will never have the need to attend another funeral for a young child.
Jenn
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Posted by saffron | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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NEW RESOLUTION
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Dec 30, 2008 03:56pm (EST)
Today a good friend from college died in the middle of an operation to remove a brain tumor. His heart stopped. My husband talked to him just yesterday. I am saddened. It's not supposed to be like that. We'll miss you Jason!
Earlier this afternoon, I donated blood. I'm never quite sure how to answer the mini health questionnaire. They ask if you've ever had lung or heart trouble, among other things. I answered yes. When the nurse asked me about it, she had to go get her supervisor. Neither of them have ever heard of HELLP syndrome. I also mentioned that I had ARDS (Acute Respiritory Distress Syndrome). Still, they couldn't find either of these in their database of things to watch out for so they asked if they could just switch my answer to "No". I explained what happened briefly and got the "that must have been really scary" response. I don't mind, but it's just another little reminder that things are different now.
I've cycled back into insatiable curiosity about what happened when Donovan was born. I recently got copies of all of my medical records from the hospital. It runs to over 265 pages. Apparently I was "restless, agitated, and combative" when they brought me in. I don't remember as I was seizing rather violently too. I also ripped out an IV and they had quite a time getting a good one established. I've read over every word in the record now. I'm not sure what I'm looking for - but I guess I just want answers or closure. I've spent a lot of time looking up medical acronyms on the internet. I'm learning a lot - but I don't think it'll satisfy every question. I don't suppose anything will. I'm also chasing down rabbit holes looking for patterns - syndromes are a weird beast. They are essentially a group of symptoms with no known central cause. I had HELLP syndrome, which led to ARDS, which also brought about sepsis, and a few other associated problems. Any of these things could have killed me. But they didn't.
I'm becoming a bit of a hypochondriac - which I suppose is a natural response to nearly dying. I still have some residual involuntary muscle spasms - not exactly seizures, but scary nonetheless. My doctor isn't worried - so I guess it's time to relax a bit.
It's just so scary to think about how fleeting life can be. And I know that so many of you on here are all too familiar with that.
Goodbye Jason - we'll miss you!
Jenn
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Posted by saffron | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMM?
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Nov 12, 2008 11:49pm (EST)
Awareness is sometimes an uphill battle. We have basically all had our awareness of prematurity thrust upon us by circumstance. But today I ran into a surprising reaction to my attempt to bring the MOD message to a wider audience. I sent out an e-mail to some of my coworkers with a link to the petition and a short plea for a minute of their time to sign it.
I don't get much immediate response, but a few people mention that they signed it. One friend mentions that she forwarded it to a bunch of her friends and that she got a somewhat nasty reply from one. Her friend who is having fertility issues basically said that she could tell me where to stick it and that I should be glad to even have a child.
I didn't really have a response for that. I don't think there is one. My friend, who does not hide her feelings at all, had already written her back. She took great offense on my behalf.
It reminded me a little of some of the emotions that I was a little less than proud of during the 2.5 years it took us to conceive our first child. I would never have said or written anything close to that - but I did have a bit of jealousy now and again. It's sad - and I do feel for her, but man, that's just uncalled for.
On the whole, Prematurity Awareness Day was hopeful. People are aware, I think. I kept surveying the main news web sites to see where and how they were covering the press release from the March of Dimes. It slowly crept up onto Yahoo, NY Times, and eventually CNN. I'm hoping my company will take notice. Considering the percentage of premature births within my department over the past 3 years has been 75% (3 out of 4), I hope they'll step up soon.
I hope your PAD was eventful in a good way.
Jenn
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Posted by saffron | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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PEACE, LOVE, AND UNDERSTANDING
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Oct 20, 2008 10:03pm (EST)
Ah, ShareUnion. What can you say? It was beautiful, poignant, memorable, and often very funny. There is a reason I came back this year and I was not disappointed. Except in the bartender. He was very disappointing.
I got to spend a good amount of time meeting new people and getting to know people I had met briefly before. I palled around with a great group of women and men. And Chad, our new favorite photographer.
I walked a lot. I sat in conference rooms listening to people who were pouring their hearts and energies into a cause much bigger than themselves. I shared my story. I shared our story. I mentioned the word HELLP and was met with knowing looks of sympathy and empathy. I didn't have to explain.
I was floored by the power of prematurity again and again. Like when Catharine, the 2008 national ambassador, recognized me when we got on the same elevator. We had met once before about a month ago at the Celebration of Babies in L.A. But she remembered that I was from California. A young girl, a preemie no less, with that kind of memory is impressive.
It was great to see people come together to share a common cause. It was wonderful to meet everyone. It was refreshing to get up and over the utterly divisive tone that politics too often throws us into. And though I can be as partisan as anyone (friend me on Facebook if you really want to know) - it was nice to leave that out of the discussion for once.
I'm glad I went. And I'm glad to be back home with my family. Thanks y'all.
I'll share a "red" zinfandel with any of you anyday. We can raise a toast to Chad.
Jenn 
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Posted by saffron | Comments: (10) | Permalink
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LEAVING ON A JET PLANE
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Oct 14, 2008 08:25pm (EST)
Quick blog today! I am leaving tomorrow afternoon for Houston. My mom-in-law is here. And the boys are ready to get some grandma love. So, I will be travelling light (!) and won't have to navigate an airport with two children!
So I was looking at the hotel's web site and found that it's very close to the second largest mall in America. FUN! I've only been in Houston on stopovers, so this will be a new experience.
I am also going to get the chance to escape the wildfires that have been burning around the perimeter of the San Fernando Valley. Nothing burns the lungs like a sky full of smoke and ash. It's a little better today - but it's definitely not good air quality. I've been feeling it in my lungs - and can only imagine those with compromised respiratory systems.
I'm looking forward to the VLC and Share. It'll be good to get away and see all y'all!
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Posted by saffron | Comments: (1) | Permalink
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JIG OF LIFE
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Oct 06, 2008 05:03pm (EST)
Happy birthday Donovan!!!
It's been two years. Two years since I found myself on the floor of my kitchen trying desperately to hold on long enough for someone to come home and find me. I was beyond being able to help myself. All I could do was hold on, hang on, and wait.
I said in my last post that I have a lot of ambivalence toward today. It's not that I'm wishy-washy about it - because it's much more manic than that. Really high highs and some pretty low lows. It makes me think of a Tale of Two Cities. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was one of the best days of my life, but it was hands-down the absolute worst day I've ever had. So, I've been bouncing off the walls so to speak. One moment revelling in the beauty of life. In the joy of living. In the fact that I'm alive. The next moment feeling overwhelmed and emotional and just plain sad.
And though it still doesn't resolve anything, I've been trying to figure out how and why I survived. How and why Donovan survived. I called myself lucky last week and the receptionist at work said that I wasn't lucky - I was blessed. My boss chalked it up to "force of will". I don't know. I think myself around in circles. In the end, I guess it's all of these things. You can embrace the totality of life in one day. It was extreme all the way around.
I am profoundly grateful to be here. I am profoundly grateful that my son is here. Blessed? Lucky? Willful? I guess in the end I just have to be. Because I still am.
Jenn
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Posted by saffron | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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CAN'T IGNORE THE TRAIN
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Sep 18, 2008 11:18pm (EST)
If I spent half as much time writing as I do thinking about writing, I'd have a shelf full of books by now....
Last week as we all know was the anniversary of 9/11. In September of 2001, I was about 2 months pregnant with my first child. I remember that whole morning and the days that followed vividly. I remember the emptiness of the sky. No airplanes. At the time we lived under the flight path of planes landing and taking off from the Burbank Airport. For those few days, we didn't hear a thing. Silence. We also didn't see the familiar white trails of the larger jets coming up over the valley from LAX. The sky was absolutely, almost breathtakingly blue. No clouds. Nothing.
9/11 for me was largely about absence. That absence crept into my emotions as well. The tragedy. The tears. The uncertainty. So far away. The loss was outside of me - I almost couldn't feel it. It was too enormous to take in. And my body, my mind were focused on the tiny life that was taking shape within. I still feel that my body wouldn't let me react to 9/11. It was Important - but I couldn't let myself give in completely to the feelings. The loss. The sorrow.
Seven years later, I marked the anniversary of 9/11 by watching the show "101 Minutes that Changed America" on the History Channel. It was a documentary culled from tapes made by New Yorkers who witnessed the events as they unfolded. Normal people who just pulled out a camera and filmed history. It reminded me of what it felt like to watch it live as it was happening. I remember wondering how they were going to put out those fires - never imagining that the fires would ultimately bring down the entire buildings.
As I was watching, my older son, Aidan - the one who was only an embryo back in 2001 - walked in. He wanted to know what was happening. I thought about changing the channel, but decided to try to explain it instead. I envied him for a moment. The innocence. The fact that he didn't know there ever was such a thing as the World Trade Center. But I decided I could level with him. That innocence is wonderful - but it can't last forever.
He was interested. I told him about the buildings. About the fact that planes hit them. That people, many people, got out and got away from the buildings but that some, too many, did not. We talked about why people were scared. Why some people were crying. Why some people were running. Why some people were just looking. He saw the footage of the first building collapsing. I wasn't sure if he was "ready" for this - but I tried to gauge his responses and questions. To read him as we talked.
He reacted well. He was curious but not frightened. He understood on some levels. As much as he needs to or can at this point. We talked for maybe 20 minutes and then he was off to do something mundane, fun - unimportant in the grand scheme of things - but utterly and completely important to him.
I worried that I had told him too much. Too little. Not the right things. I was worried that he saw too much. I was worried because the world is a scary place and I can't protect him always. In the end though, I was very glad I told him.
Aidan loves, LOVES trains. All things trains. 9/11 was last Thursday. On Friday, we got home from school, work and daycare. I was preoccupied with thoughts of Hurricane Ike. I had heard a lot of sirens in the last hour and thought absently that something big must have happened closer to home. I walk into my house and a friend says "oh, did you hear about the train wreck in Chatsworth?"
What? No. I hadn't heard about it, but I realized all of the sudden that I had actually heard it. The crash. The sirens. All Aidan heard was the word train and he wanted to see. I turn on the news and they have aerial photos of the crash. A commuter train. A freight train - "Union Pacific" - Aidan says. 6 people confirmed dead, but more expected. An open triage area. White sheets over bodies. Unedited LIVE footage of people who have just been in a train wreck. Graphic. But Aidan is riveted. My heart sinks as I watch. Here it is again - tragedy unfolding live and all I can do is watch.
But I know that this too is life. This too is reality. I want to protect him. But I also want him to know. Life is precious. Trains, and buildings, and planes -- they are all awesome and powerful and neat and beautiful. But.... But.
And I think now. I think about Donovan. One day I will tell him about his birth. I will explain the ambivalence I feel on October 6. I will explain what it means that life can be awesome and powerful and neat and beautiful, but awful and scary and overwhelming and ugly all at the same time. Life is precious. Everyone's life is precious.
I honor and mourn every life that was lost on September 11, 2001 and September 12, 2008.
Jenn
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Posted by saffron | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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