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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(2 members)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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FloridaOrige…6 |
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TRACI'S THOUGHTS
Trixie2310 |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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INHALE, EXHALE, REPEAT
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Jul 18, 2011 05:37pm (EST)
Tomorrow I go back to the Dr. It's just routine bloodwork but I'm freaking out a little. Tomorrow we set the date for my cercalge. My tummy is in knots. I know I need to relax but its hard. I dont even know exactly whats gonna happen. I know the basics but I want specifics. I keep telling myself if i can plan everything then theres something I can do. When I know in all reality, there isn't. I never thought of myself as a control freak until we lost Skylar. I think that's the exact moment I realized how little we can actually control in this life. Now I research everything thinking the more informed I am the more I can prepare for. I'm so scared of the unknown. I know I know deep breaths and one day at a time. Why is that so much easier to say then actually do? Guess I just have to make it till tomorrow and then I;ll have all my answers huh? gonna try and relax now.. thanks for listening to my rant. All anyone in my everyday life wants to hear is everything is fine. When I have my momments of freak outs all I hear is to be optimistic, I cant think like that. I dont want to be optimistic I want to be realistic. NO ONE can garuntee me this pregnacy is gonna go according to plan and I wish theyd stop trying to. As I like to say, I'm cautiously excited.  thats the best I can give anyone right now.
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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ONE MORE WEEK
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May 25, 2011 11:03pm (EST)
One week till my first prenatal appointment. Getting excited, can't help it. I don't wanna get my hopes up because I've already learned once this doesn't garuntee anything. I find myself wondering through the house smiling and singing for no reason. I remember this feeling, the pure joy of knowing there is a baby growing inside of me. But part of me is screaming there is no promise I'll get to keep this one either. God I just want to enjoy every second I have with this child but at the same time I want someone to promise me this one is coming home. I've taken multiple pregnancy tests over the last week or so. I just want to see that positive to remind myself this is real. Not really having many symptoms, much like my last pregnancy. Sometimes I think I dreamed it and I have to take another test to prove it's not a dream. Just gotta make it to the first appointment... that'll be goal number one. Take this one day at a time and hopefully I'll make it to a fullterm delivery and bring home a happy healthy baby.
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (1) | Permalink
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HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
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May 08, 2011 05:59pm (EST)
Happy Mother's day to all. I know how bittersweet today can be. My thoughts are with all those moms that cannot spend today with their children. May you find some sort of peace today,
Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.
~ by Jody Seilheimer ~
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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WANDERING
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May 03, 2011 01:04am (EST)
I don't know if anyone else follows the show Army Wives, but the last few episodes hit a little close to to home as one of the main charactors lost her son to the war. Though the circumstances are completely different I relate to her. She said something that brought tears to my eyes. "Every mother that has lost a child wonders what for and if it was worth it" My constant thoughts.
Sometimes I feel like a horrible person because I don't seem to view this "experience" the same as others. I don't feel like I've been chosen by God to be an angel Mommy. I feel like God turned his back on my family. I don't feel blessed, I love that little girl with all my heart and I wouldn't give back a single second she was in my womb, but I don't feel blessed I feel cursed.
I feel robbed. Robbed of my baby girls, robbed of the innocence of a normal pregnancy. Robbed of the life I had imagined I would be having right now.
All anyone keeps telling me is to have faith.( Before I start this rant just let me say I know some of you are religious and I mean no disrespect but i have to get this out.) I feel like screaming like a mad women when someone utters those words. I don't understand what I'm suppose to have faith in. I'm a good person, my husband is a good person and for some higher power to decide we have to bury our daughter. I can't believe in something like that. I don't want to believe in something like that. But at the same time if i don't believe does that mean I'll never see my baby again? Our those my only options believe in a God that watches my suffer through two years of thinking i'm defective and never going to have a child of mine own, only to allow me to concieve and take that child back or not blieve and never see that child again?
I'm all sorts of mixed up right now, and all because of a tv show. lol. I just feel like I've been abdonded by everything. I feel empty and lost. Wandering through a world that should never exist. A world where there is no rhyme or reason... or a way out.
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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SAME OLD SAME OLD
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Apr 26, 2011 08:10pm (EST)
It's been a little bit since I've written. I guess cause I've got nothing new to report. Things seem to be moving in slow motion lately. I thought the first year without Skylar would be the hardest, but as we begin the 2nds I don't feel it getting any better. Hubby and I are working together taking it one day at a time trying to get me I guess "better" is the only word I can think of. Tired of having to force myself to get out of bed and do something, but if I didn't force myself I would never get outta bed. I don't know that I'm depressed... just don't have the motivation to care. I should be chasing my little girl around... in a perfect world we'd be getting ready for her 1st birthday... it an ok world she'd be almost 14 months old... in this world... I've never heard her cry or seen her smile.
I packed up all the baby stuff the other day. Started cleaning out the spare room and just packed up all the baby stuff into totes. It made me so angry to see some of that stuff. Some of it we've had for over 3 years. Some of it was hand picked for Skylar. None of it has ever been used. Soon as I'm done here I'm calling my insurance company to find out what infertility insurance covers.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I'm still here, still dragging myself through life lol. I make it sound like I'm never happy and that's not true. I smile all the time, I laugh and have fun.. but that doesn't change the heartache that's a constant now. This is just the only place I can express it without people wanting to commit me. I'd never wish this life on anyone, but it'd be nice if someone in my real life got it. It'd be nice if someone could recognize the pain in my eyes when they talk about thier babies, hell it'd be nice if one person would look at me and tell me with a smile that they remember Skylar.. or even miss her.
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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BFN
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Apr 10, 2011 05:05pm (EST)
Well there won't be a baby in this house this year.  I started bleeding today so I'm assuming I started my period today. This was our last cycle that would result in a baby born this year. I keep telling myself that it's a good thing since it's been 10 months since I've started my period on my own. But if it's such a good thing why can't I stop crying?
I'm just so tired of feeling like the world's biggest failure. I know this seems to be a reoccuring theme in my post but maybe that's cause it's true. Since my daughter died I've just fallen apart. I can't seem to do anything right including trying to have another baby. I just feel like a complete and utter failure, i feel empty. Hubby says he wants to give it another month before we seek out a fertility specialist.
How can they keep telling me there is nothing wrong with me? How is it possible my body just doesn't know what to do on it's own and there is no reason why. All I want is a baby, and i don't understand whay that's such a hard thing to accomplish. I just want a baby to love, I would be such a good mommy and I just want the chance to prove that.
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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THE END?
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Apr 05, 2011 01:47am (EST)
I find myself living in fear. I can start testing in 6 days but shouldn't be due for my period for 8 days. Usually I'v already got the tests bought and am planning how I'm gonna tell my hubby if it says yes, but now.. right now I feel like I'm counting down to the end. This will be the first cycle since my hsg test... that's how we got pregnant with Skylar. I didn't realize how much I had counting on this cycle until now. If i take that test and I'm still not pregnant.. I don't think I can handle it. I think this is it and I don't know how to wrap my head around that. I can't keep putting myself through this and that thought rips a new hole in my heart. I've put what little hope I have left into this procedure and if it didn't work... I know how far ahead of myself I am but I can't help it. I've never wanted anything so bad in my life and everyone keeps telling me that's why it's not happening. I should just relax. How am I suppose to relax when every cycle or lack there of feels like it has a death grip on my heart?
All these thoughts in my head are just killing me because I feel like I'm giving up. I'm just quitting. I'm just so afriad that it's never gonna happen, and no one else seems to understand that. They seem to believe they know better than me and like to tell me how it;ll happen it just takes time. I;ve become numb to most of the insenseitve comments but that one still gets me. Don't ya know it'll just happen even though my body has completely stopped doing what is suppose to. I"m just gonna magically become pregnant even though without those damn pills I wouldn't even have a cycle. I sit here struggling through each and every disappointing month, watching everyone else get what I so desperately want while they tell me to be paitent my time will come, i'm still young it'll happen. I try to make jokes so I can stay positive and have hope... but i'm not sure it's true. I'm not sure I believe it'll ever happen.
as hard as this last year has been, if i decide to give up I don;t know how I'll live with myself. It's been hard enough to live with the fact that my daughter was taken from me how do I live with the fact I gave up trying to give her a sibling? Having kids was a deal breaker in our realtionship.. we both want them. Will my marriage survive if I make the decison to stop trying? God now I'm being stupid, I just am so afraid of what the future holds past this next week. Do I make this decsion and see what comes or just keep going till I have nothing left?
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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...
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Mar 24, 2011 11:10pm (EST)
Haven't updated since Skylar's birthday, it already feels like it was so long ago but it's only been 18 days. Hubby and I got balloons and a cupcake and took them to visit Skylar, I brought my camera to take pictures and it worked all the way till we got to the cemetary. Then it wouldn't turn on. Guess her lilttle birthday party was just meant to be a private momment for her father and I. We released the balloons and lit a candle on her cupcake. It was actually a pretty nice day.
In recent news, my Hsg test was monday. They said my tube are open and no large masses in my uterus but they were gonna review the video cause she thiought she saw some scar tissue on my uterus. She did tell me it was nothing she thgouht would prevent us from getting pregnant. Still waiting on my Dr to call and fill me in on what they decided it was. Now we wait some more. were actively trying this cycle in hopes that this test will make things go a little smoother. I guess after this test you're suppose to be more fertile. It worked with Skylar so maybe it'll help with her brohter/sister.
Nothing to much going on here. Just trying to get through each day wishing it was different. I'm stuck in my head again lately and it's nothing new and I think that very well could be the problem. It's been over a year since I lost my daughter. and where am I? I've heard other angel moms talk of how the lost of their child taught them something and all i've learned is how to hurt more. I don't know if I'm explaing this right but o well. I feel weak. I hear about these peaceful momments others have and they just know it's their baby visiting and I dont think Ive ever felt that.. does that mean my baby doesnt want to visit me? I just feel so i guess rejected is the word. I;m back to feeling like I wasn't good enough for my baby and that's why she's gone and why I'm having so much trouble getting pregnant again.
I'm just I don't know anymore. I'm tired of hearing how strong i am cause i've made it a year without her, and I still spend many nights crying and feeling like such a failure, I still spend alot of time blaming mylsef for the events I know I could never change. I still feel like I'm being punished for some wrong I've done in the past. I still feel the hole in my heart and it still hurts like the day they told me she was gone. Time is suppose to heal all wounds and time is suppose to make evrything easier. When the hell does this happen.
Sorry for my depressing ranting. I just don't know where else to turn. I'm Angry, heartbroken, pissed off, irratated, hurt, and I;m scared this is how I'll spend the rest of my life. Sitting here hurting and crying alone.
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Posted by Trixie2310 | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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