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MISSING LEEVON
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CHANGES
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Jul 09, 2010 08:08pm (EST)
A lot has changed since my last entry. I'm 8 weeks pregnant now. My husband has and still does have a lot of fear over it. We've gone to some couple counseling and are trying to work through it. I never imagined how difficult it would be 8 months later after losing a baby. It's not all bad but there's certainly issues.
I'm not sure how I feel yet about this new pregnancy. I haven't told many people except those closest to me - parents, in laws and best friend. I'm not sure when I'll tell my 5 year old son. He sees me getting sick everyday. I have the worst pregnancies unfortunately. But it's like he doesn't want to know why. I think he knows why but maybe just doesn't want to ask. He had such a hard time losing Leevon. And losing me to the hospital for those two dreadful weeks. I probably won't tell him until after I reach 12 weeks because they say that's when odds are better. But that really doesn't mean much to me considering we lost Leevon at 24 weeks. I think I'll worry the whole time.
I began to think about Leevon's upcoming birthday on Oct. 21. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that week. He died on Oct. 30. It made me cry just thinking about it. Ugh.
Right now I'm so miserably sick, vomitting about 5-6x per day at least, I have little time to dwell on how scared I am. Or how happy I am either. What a weird time it is. I think it's probably best not to get too excited or too worried either. For now I'll just take it day by day. And try to appreciate the good things. That's all any of us can do.
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Posted by abb | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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CHEATED AGAIN
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Apr 07, 2010 02:47am (EST)
I haven't written in some time but feel so hurt right now. I made it through my due date. On that day, Feb. 12, I honored my little Leevon with a tattoo on my arm, which I treasure so much. I've been working out and losing weight. Seeing a therapist and feeling strong. I've been so hopeful, preparing to try again. But now my husband tells me he no longer wants to try. I'm just crushed.
I'm not sure what to do. It hurts so much. I feel cheated.
I miss my little baby boy so much. It's been 5 months since he died and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I wanted so much to have another child and now I feel like I've been robbed yet again of any chance. I'm so angry at my husband for this but I know we both have to want to have a child. Even so, it seems so unfair to me. Haven't I been through enough? Now I feel grief for a child that hasn't even been conceived yet.
Tomorrow my first born turns 5. I should be happy but instead I'm filled with pain and hopelessness. I hate this. I hate it.
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Posted by abb | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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SAY ANYTHING
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Feb 10, 2010 05:02pm (EST)
I haven't written in some time. I keep coming back to this blog but can't get the words out. Things have been challenging the last couple of weeks. Leevon's due date is Friday and I'm finding it hard to stay focused and together.
I'm so angry and resentful right now, two feelings I'm not accustomed to having. Just about everyone is getting on my nerves, except my 4 year old. I'm just irritable right now and I wish someone would just understand.
So many times people ask me, what's wrong? Really? Seriously? You want to know what's wrong? I'm pissed off that my baby died. I'm pissed off that he should be here right now, that I should be giving birth to a full term, healthy baby and I'm not. I'm pissed that he'll never have a chance to live a good life and there are so many stupid people out there now with the chance he never had. It makes me crazy.
A friend, who is very supportive of me and has been a close companion through all this, said the most hurtful thing the other week. I know she didn't mean it but it hurt nonetheless. In her attempt to offer me comfort, she said to try to stay positive, focus on my happy and healthy 4 year old, and remember I can always have another baby! I know that people who haven't lost a baby might not understand how much it hurts to hear that. So what if I can have another baby? That will never change what I lost. The love I lost. The innocence I lost. The son I lost. I know she didn't mean to hurt me, but I can't stop thinking about it.
It reminds me of why it's so difficult to share these feelings with most people. I can talk to my counselor and my husband. But even then, it's difficult to really share the madness going on in my head. Even my mother, who is so great, makes it difficult. I begin to say something about my feelings and I end up comforting her. It just makes me so angry right now. I just don't want to say anything.
I hate being angry. I hate being irritated. I'm doing my best to focus on me, my health, my spirit, my body. But these nasty feelings keep creeping back in and consuming my thoughts. I look forward to the day when I can let go of them. It has to come. It just has too.
Here's a little picture of Leevon in the NICU. I love how he's touching his face. Fly high my little butterfly. Mama loves you.
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Posted by abb | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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HARD TO SEE
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Jan 29, 2010 09:24pm (EST)
It's been a really tough week. My little Leevon's due date is approaching and the days are getting harder and harder to deal with. I can't help but think all those thoughts. You know, those what if thoughts. What if he hadn't come early, he would almost be ready. What if he hadn't died, I would be preparing for his joyous birth right now.
It does no good. I know it. But nevertheless those thoughts somehow creep into my mind, more and more as we get closer to his due date.
My son Bode told a story at school the other day. They were sharing stories with the teacher. His story made him smile. He said: "A little butterfly flew over me, and then landed on my finger tip. Then the butterfly flew over to a flower and then flew up on a tree. Then I knew that butterfly was Leevon." Bode told me how much his teacher liked the story, and smiled big, full of pride and love for his little brother. It broke my heart to hear him say this but yet I felt so much love too.
I'm not sure why life is so cruel and unfair, but it is. Yet even in all life's cruelty and pain we sometimes find hope and happiness. Right now, it's just so hard to see.
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Posted by abb | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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NOT THE SAME
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Jan 15, 2010 11:52pm (EST)
I'm just not the same person anymore. I feel worthless sometimes. My work is suffering. My life is suffering.
I love to cook and now I rarely do. I love my job but now I underperform almost everyday. There are good days and bad days, but the bad days do seem to out number the good ones.
And then there's the baby weight. For me, it's been tough to come off. I started back at the gym last week and I'm trying to eat better foods but I'm still 16 lbs heavier than before my pregancy. What a bummer this is for me. I can't wear my favorite clothes and I feel totally unattractive. Ugh!
Most of all I miss my baby. I miss never knowing what he would have become. I dream of him growing up, being so proud of him because he's a big shot. He's gorgeous, smart and happy.
I just feel like I'm a mess. And I know people sense it too. It's odd because no one really calls me, except my mom and best friend. But other friends and family have almost dropped off the face of the earth. I know they are busy with their own lives but it's difficult not to internalize it; believe it's because they don't really know what to say if I begin to talk about Leevon.
People don't really want to talk about him. But I do. Well, and my 4 year old. Bode is a great joy and honestly helps me so much. He never seems fearful to mention Leevon's name. He believes Leevon is now a beautiful butterfly, soaring in the sky. If only I were 4 again.
I'm so blessed in many ways and I know I just need to focus on that, but as you know that's easier said than done. Maybe I won't ever be the same, but I do hope I can grow to be a better person in the end. Leevon would want that. I love you son, always and forever.
Here's one of my favorite pictures of me and Bode.
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Posted by abb | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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TOUGH DAY
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Jan 12, 2010 07:24pm (EST)
Just when I feel good about how things are going something pushes me back down again.
Last Friday I helped put on a baby shower for a teacher at my son's school. It actually felt good to do it. My son goes to Montessori school and there's only 27 children. Two mothers and a teacher were pregnant at the same time -- me, another mom and the teacher. The other mom delivered 7 weeks early. Her baby was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 and lived one month. She passed exactly one week after Leevon. The teacher, who is having a fairly good first pregnancy, was obviously a bit shaken. I wanted her to feel supported by me even though I lost my little Leevon, so I offered to help with the shower. I'm glad that I did even though it was tough.
Then that night my son Bode became pretty sick with his asthma. It's been a tough weekend. I had to take him to the peditrician yesterday who had just found out about Leevon. She hugged me when she walked in. I just about lost it but held it together. Going to the peditrician was tough. Babies everywhere. I just think after a weekend of being with my sick son, it was just a little too much. It just pushed me back to that place again.
When I regress into my sadness I feel like no one really understands. They try. They listen but then ultimately end the conversation saying something that just doesn't feel right. Even my husband doesn't understand. I know he is grieving in his own way, but it's not the same. No one grieves the same I guess.
It's unfortunate that I feel like I can't talk to the people closest to me. I know they say that I can, but it never helps. Perhaps nothing will help ease the pain but time.
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Posted by abb | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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CHRISTMAS
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Dec 23, 2009 05:33am (EST)
I took my son Bode to see a trail of lights in our neighborhood tonight. It was fun to see him get so excited but I felt really sad too. It seems like there are babies everywhere. While they are all so beautiful and precious it's a constant reminder that my baby boy is gone.
It hurts. There's just no other way to describe it. I'm faking the happiness this year.
He would have been two months old yesterday and I didn't even remember until today. I felt terrible for forgetting. It's not that I forgot him, I just forgot the day. I think about him and his sweet face everyday. I keep telling myself things like he wasn't meant to stay. Now he's somewhere better. He's not going to suffer. He's not going to have life long pains because of his prematurity. It's like I'm trying to convince myself that what happened, happened for a reason.
There's no reason. He died and it's the most horrible thing I could have ever imagined.
I want so much for this year to be over with, but then here comes Leevon's due date. It's never going to be over. The pain is never going away. I'll just learn to live with it and maybe even notice it less. I wish I could be happy this Christmas. I wish I was big, fat and pregnant. I wish I could feel him move inside me. I wish so much, so much.
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Posted by abb | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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IN MEMORY
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Dec 16, 2009 08:03pm (EST)
Today my little boy's name plate for his beautiful oak urn came in the mail. It says only this:
Leevon Matthew Wells
October 21, 2009 - October 30, 2009
It's so sad to see it. Everyday I hold and touch the urn and look at his picture sitting right next to it. It feels comforting but my heart aches when I touch it as well. I miss him so much even though he was in our lives for such a short period. It's hard to explain how much love I still have for him. I know I'll always love him.
Life is returning to a new normal I guess. I work from home but talk to people on the phone all day. So many people ask me where I've been. It's hard to explain. Most of the time I just say I took a leave and leave it at that. Sometimes I tell them what happened, but not usually. I hate it.
Christmas is coming whether we want it to or not. Bode, my 4 year old, is so excited. We went shopping for him last week. It was difficult to be in a toy store. I saw so many baby toys. I couldn't take my eyes off of them. It just hurt. I should be buying baby things for Leevon right now too. Even with all the pain, it did feel good to shop for Bode. I have yet to buy anything else for other people. I don't think I will this year.
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Posted by abb | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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ANOTHER TRY
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Dec 11, 2009 07:31pm (EST)
I went to my 6 week post partum check up this week but another mom was in labor and pushing so my doctor had to reschedule the exam. We did get to talk for a few minutes though about our wishes to try again as soon as possible.
I'm turning 37 in May and feel pressure to try sooner than later given my age. But since my emergency c-section was done she suggested that I wait until at least 18 mos. because my uterus was cut vertically. Leevon was so small and already low in the canal so I cannot have a vaginal birth again or go into labor. She said because of my age, I could deliver earlier, but the next delivery should be at least 12 mos. since the last c-section.
Does anyone have any experience with this? I'm so scared. To think about losing another baby is completely terrifying although I know it could happen. I feel we are ready. I feel I can do it but I know it's going to be so difficult mentally.
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Posted by abb | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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