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TRISTAN'S MOTHER

TrishloveTristan

June 2013

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GOSH

Dec 26, 2009 05:53pm (EST)

Well, I am happy Xmas is over... I went to visit my mother as she is leaving to go to El Salvado on the 28th. After Tristan passed, she took all of Tristan's things to her house because Rob told her it would be best for me and he didn't want me going back to my apartment with Tristan's things all over. I was so angry, why did they listen to him, is not like he got any of the things for Tristan. Well anyway, I took all the things back to my apartment yesterday. I cried, i'm not going to lie, but I wanted to see his little shirts and cloth diapers, his little shoes. My sister had gotten him a football jersey as well that I loved so much. So I have all his things with me now. I want to get a plastic bin to put all his belongings so they don't get ruined.
My mother has been trying to talk to me about god but to be honest it goes in one ear and comes out the other. I don't know if there is a god... I don't know if we live in a paralle universe, i don't know what to believe anymore.
My goals for 2010 is to honor Tristan, i don't know how yet but i'll find a way.
To be better to myself and stop blaming myself for everything that has happened.
to get a job i really enojoy (and pays the bills.)
To forgive those who have hurt me... i'm sick of carrying the anger with me.
I want to heal, i want Tristan to be proud of me, I want to be a good mommy to my angel...part of me feels like he will be the only child for me, I hope not because i would love to have a family of my own.
Tristan the love of my life, mommy is here. and I know you are right next to me.

Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (6) | Permalink

13 MONTHS :(

Dec 22, 2009 07:43pm (EST)

Its been 13 months since Tristan was born an angel. I'm hurting so much not having him with me. What's the point of living a life you hate? Why was I given a life then take it away. Tristan gave me hope, he made me a woman and now I'm lost, hopeless and half the person I was when I was with him, when he was in my belly. When I was pregnant I would not allow anything to go wrong, I had a plan for everything failure was not an option. My baby and I were going make it but I didn't expect and didn't have a plan to fix what happened. So here I'm hopeless broken and a mommy without a baby to hold to care for. Why? Why us? I went to visit him today the cemetery was full of snow. Another thing he will never experience bc he is gone and he is never coming back. How pathetic that I'm still wishing this was all a horrible nightmare.
I've not been able to sleep for three days bc I ran out of medicine and I keep going over and over again in my head those days in the hospital knowing my baby was gone. I wish "god" would have taken us both...why didn't he?
Tristan I miss you every second of everyday

IMG00007-20091220-0007

Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (4) | Permalink

HEARTBREAK

Dec 20, 2009 12:26am (EST)

I really hate the holidays, last year at this time my pain was still so raw that the holidays felt like a haze. they flew by and before I knew it it was 2009. This year I'm more aware of the holidays this year so the pain feels so intense the envy, the bad thoughts, the lonelyness, its all too much for me.
I miss Tristan so much and I wonder why things ended the way they did. I'm not a bad person, I'm not perfect but then again who is? except our angels. I keep wondering what I did the deserve the things that have happened since I loss Tristan, finding out his father was an A-hole, being in a domestic violence relationship with Tristan's father, how did I get here? I don't like to use this site to talk about relationships but I'm feeling weak because Tristan's father mentally abused me for so long that he would say the most horrible things to me. When I would tell him I didn't want to be with him, he would tell me "what kind of woman has children with different men?" making me feel like I'm dirty or something. And recently he came to my house crying telling me how much he misses Tristan and he can only talk to me about it and for me to let him in my apartment, while he has a girlfriend. Why do I allow him to use the memory of my son to manipulate me and use me? I'm afraid that I will never be happy. I'm afraid that i will never have other children, I'm afraid of everything and everyone.
I wish i could take a pill and go back four years then i wouldn't know any of this pain. I was strong, when I used to see myself in the mirror I saw a strong idependent woman and all i see now is a broken down person with no desire to do anything.
I love Tristan but I hate his father so much for the hurt. If there was such a pill I know i would forget Tristan but then I would also forget the love so I wouldn't miss it so much because i can't take it anymore. He was all I had and all I wanted and look at me now wishing I never met his father. Am I a bad person for wishing I never knew this pain?
I want to stop crying but i can't i feel like i'm going to puke any second now... What do I do? Share friends tell me what to do I feel so lost.
Tristan help mommy be strong enough to love herself.

Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (4) | Permalink

FRIEND HAD A BABY

Dec 16, 2009 08:44pm (EST)

My friend gave birth to a healthy baby boy this morning at 11:29. Gosh i'm happy for her but why I can't have my baby with me? This is not fair! i can't stand the fact that so many people have kids with no problems and I did everything right and my baby was taking from me before he was even born. I can't take it. My child didn't even get to see me or cry. I called my friend to congratulate her but she was in the bathroom and her husband answer the phone and all i could hear were the little baby cries in the background. My heart is hurting so much. How can I go and see her without feeling resentful? I've not touch a baby since Tristan, how can i tell her I don't want to touch hers? I know i sound so selfish but all I want is my Tristan back. She got the perfect christmast gift and here I'm bitter, lonely and empty arms.
Tristan-my love, my honey I love you so much and i miss you more and more each day. Please help Mommy be strong.

Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (7) | Permalink

SO TIRED

Dec 11, 2009 03:34am (EST)

Right after I came home I fell asleep that was not my plan. When I woke up I felt so heavy with grief...I didn't want to get off the couch once I did I took a shower tomorrow I have to meet with HR so I got up and took one. But I'm in bed wishing for Tristan to be here. I had a date and I cancelled. I'm no ready I just want Tristan.
Baby I miss you so much.

Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (5) | Permalink

THIS IS ONE OF THE WORSE MONTHS OF THIS YEAR.

Dec 04, 2009 08:46pm (EST)

I know this blog might not make much sense but so much happened this month that I feel like I’m so unlucky and wonder what have I done to deserve all the crap I’ve endured? First the Care accident $3000.00 to get fix, I hardly had money to eat and I still don’t have my car. Then I almost got fired from my job because two of my co-workers one who I thought was a friend lie and said that I told her “not to F*&^$ with me” which I did not. HR put me on administrative leave while they investigated the allegations. Now I’m on final warning on my job and if anybody makes any accusations I can get fired. Well when I returned to work I met with my supervisor and the girl who made the allegations and I recorded the conversation and asked who made the allegations and why did she say I said that to her. And she said I never told them you said “don’t F with me” well I brought the recording to HR to prove that I was not lying and that they were lying. Things at work are just terrible and not getting any better. All of this happened before Tristan’s Angelversary and I was more concern about how I was going to deal his birthday more than anything. Thanksgiving was another disappointment, I was going to spend it with my Mother and Stepfather and the day before Thanksgiving I met with a friend in the city for a few drinks and when I got to my mother’s place she was so angry at me for drinking and told me I smelled, I was so upset I ended up leaving and going back to my place. Now she is not talking to me. I spend thanksgiving alone with my and ate rice and beans.
I keep asking myself why? Why this month? I wanted to be happy for Tristan so he could be proud of me but instead my life continues to fall apart and I feel like I’m not making him proud of me. I’m a mess. One good thing happened the other day though, I was watching TV and remember Tristan’s kicks and punches and the memory felt so real that it was like I almost felt him inside me…. I know I sound crazy but it felt good.----Tristan, mommy loves you so much and misses you.

11-22-09 balloon

balloons

Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (5) | Permalink

TRISTAN'S FIRST ANGELVERSARY

Nov 22, 2009 09:34pm (EST)

Oh my god...is it me or parents of stillborn babies have a really hard time when it comes to their birth days? I know Tristan most likely passed away on the 20th and he was born on the 22nd. So I wanted to celebrate his birthday bc that's when I met him. I got 12 balloons one for each month since his birth. When we arrived there was a father visiting his son crying I told him how sorry I was for his loss and told him that today was my son's angelversary. After we planted some flowers we released the balloons. I love my tristan and I miss him so much. My mom and my stepdad just left so now I'm all alone

wishing he was still alive.
Tristan I love you honey....please continue to give me strength and love. Love always your mommy

Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (9) | Permalink

DREAMING OF TRISTAN

Nov 14, 2009 10:02pm (EST)

Oh my god it has been a long time since Tristan has come to visit in my dream but he came last night. It was a little odd but when I woke up I felt calm and okay. in the dream we were going to transfers his remains so we had to get him out of his resting place. When his coffin was out I wanted to see him and people around told me not to do it bc he wouldn't look the same but I said I wanted a picture with him. When we opened his little coffin he looked perfect and I took a picture with him. I felt happy bc I would finally have a picture with my son. Soon it will be a year since his birth so maybe this is his way of telling he is ok.
Baby I love you always

Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (5) | Permalink

CAR ACCIDENT

Nov 04, 2009 04:16pm (EST)

So last night as I was driving home from the gym an idoit in front of me stopped short and I could not stop and hit him, no damage to his car but my car has lots of damage. November is bad as it is since it will be one year since Tristan was born an Angel and now this??? I feel like i'm so unluckly. My job doesn't pay well and I have applied to so many different jobs and nothing has come up. My insurance wont pay for the damage in my car so I have to pay out of pocket, this is causing me so much anxiety. I don't know what to do. I'm angry... I feel like something always happens and is not good. How can one person have so much bad luck? I don't remember the last time something good happened to me.
Tristan please help mommy find some hope somewhere. I need a sign that things in my life will be okay.

Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (9) | Permalink

THE BIGGEST LOSER

Oct 28, 2009 04:58pm (EST)

I don't know if anyone has been watching the biggest loser this season, but last night the lady Abby that loss her whole family in a car accident went home. I don't know why but I was crying like a fool. This poor woman, she loss everything in a matter of minutes her husband and her two children one who was only a baby and a beautiful 5 year old. What really got to me was the fact that she said that for the past 2 and a half years she has just been existing not living and that now she was ready to start living again. I wonder would I ever get there? When will I start living again instead of just faking it? The other point is that it has taken her almost three years to get there and i'm not even a year in... grieving is so unpredictible. we don't know what's coming or going. Like today, its raining its ugly, i just want to be in bed with my cat. Life is just that way I guess, full of surprises and they are not always good.
Tristan- Missing you with all my heart. Love always MOm.

Posted by TrishloveTristan | Comments: (9) | Permalink

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