|
 |
 |
|
WELCOME, GUEST |
|
|
| |
 |
 |
 |
(1 member)
|
 |
 |
niylnnrae @a…6 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
 |
|
CHRISTOPHER SANTOS
Maria Guzman |
|
| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
|
|
|
|
POEMS
|
|
Mar 08, 2010 11:49pm (EST)
Tu Vida
Nadie entiende lo unidos que somos,
simplemente porque no estas fisicamente.
Unas personas dicen que quizas estabas enfermo,
que esto fue lo mejor.
Otras personas dicen que eras debil,
y que solamente ibas a sufrir.
Otros dicen que no me preocupe,
que luego vendran otros.
Y ami me gustaria gritarles que
No! No estabas enfermo, que
No! No estabas debil, que
No! No ibas a sufrir, y que
No! No seras tu el que venga.
Nadie entiende que simplemente tu vida fue asi.
Y como prueba de tu existencia estamos tus
padres que siempre te recordaremos con amor y carino.
Your Life
No one understands how close we are,
even though you're not physically here.
Some people say that maybe you were sick and
that it was for the best.
Other people say that you were weak,
and that you would only have suffered.
Others tell me not to worry,
that there will be others.
And I just want to shout at them that,
No! You weren't sick! That
No! Your weren't sick! That
No! You wouldn't have suffered! And that
No! You won't be among those to come.
No one understands that this simply was your life.
And so as proof of your existence, we're here,
your parents who will always remember you with love.
They Say There is a Reason
They say there is a reason.
They say that time will heal.
But neither time nor reason
Will change the way I feel,
For no one knows the heartache
That lies behind our smiles.
No one knows how many times
We have broken down and cried.
We want to tell you something
So there won't be any doubt.
You're so wonderful to think of
But so hard to be without.
|
|
|
Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (0) | Permalink
|
|
|
STILL THINKING
|
|
Feb 24, 2010 12:00am (EST)
Things have been passing by so slow for me. It seems like juts yesterday I gave birth to me angel. I've been thinking of him, at times its not good because I almost break down like when it had just happened. I cried myself to sleep a couple of nights ago and when that happens it taked me way back more than four years. Gosh, I just wish he was here with us instead of in heaven, I know thats selfish of me sometimes but I can't seem to help it some days. When Luis was born, he was born alive. I'll never forget that day, the time was 2:30pm and he died at 2:34pm, I wish I could've given him my lungs to help him breath. I wish I would've been strong enough to hold him. I wish so many things now years later. I've decided I want his birth certificate but haven't been strong enough to go ask for it, I don't even know how I would explain it to the person in charge of that. I'll be moving to Mexico with Christopher soon so I think it would be nice to take it with me. My heart breaks but I want to have anything from him as close as possible.
Christopher has been sick with a cold lately but he's getting better. We now have to fight with him in the mornings to send him off to school. He hates getting up early but once he sees the bus he gets happy. His speech is progressing as well, we're still working on potty training though. He weighted 50lbs. at the pediatrician's office today, he's a really big boy.
There are days when I just want to lay in bed and not get up at all. But then I have some good days when I do feel okay and most of these days are due to hubby being home and my mind occupied with Christopher and tasks that have to get done. We have also decided to build our house in Queretaro instead of buying a house. We already found a property with a very nice view to the city and I cannot wait till they start constructing and our house is finished. This might change the time span of our plans but that still okay.
Maria
|
|
|
|
Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (2) | Permalink
|
|
|
THINKING........
|
|
Jan 18, 2010 10:38pm (EST)
We have all been super busy, sick, bored, excited, just all kind of emotions lately....
Hubby and I are planning for Chris and I to move to Mexico around October or November. I was born in Acapulco and have been here in the US since I was two. I am now 22, married, and have a three year old. I think its time for a change. We'll be moving to Queretaro, which is a city near the Mexican capitol. Hubby's family live in that city so it will also be nice for Chris to finally meet them all. I am very excited for all of this to take place. At the same time I have been having a realy hard time dealing with the part where I have to be away from my angel, just where he's buried because I know he's always with me. I think though if I give me some time I can bring myself to accept this.
Christopher has been doing well lately. He still has a cough that has been persistent for the past month but he's slowly getting better. He enjoys school and comes home happy everyday. Its amazing how having him around other kids has helped his speech a lot and he's just talking away all the time, I just love it! he is at a difficult stage though where he enjoys fighting with other kids, smaller or older. I'm working on that though, but everyone keeps telling me that maybe this is his way of missing his daddy. Hubby has been away in Mexico since December 1st, but he's finally coming home in two more days, I cannot wait!
I think the way I handle my emotions after loosing Luis. Its been a while since I've cried myself to sleep. I think I'm more stronger now, I think I've said to myself that its okay to cry sometimes, let it out and allow time to heal. I'll just allow myself to cry when I need to and always have in mind that Luis will always be with me no matter where I go, just like I'll always have him in my heart.
Maria
|
|
|
|
Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (3) | Permalink
|
|
|
FEELING DOWN.... AGAIN
|
|
Dec 21, 2009 06:14am (EST)
Its been over a month since my last blog update.... so much going on too.
Christopher is doing great. He's improving really well in speech and he still enjoys going to school. He's getting so big and now weights 51lbs. I'm trying to watch his diet but he's still a big boy at 3. He's really healthy though and his lungs are doing very good also, the steroid shots are helping so much, we're really happy for his progress.
Hubby left for Mexico on the 1st, I miss him soooo much and Chris is having a hard time also. He is constantly asking for his daddy. Its been a little hard being away from him but he'll soon be back. I'm just so used to us both preparing for Christmas, New Years, and spending lots of time together. I'll be moving to Mexico next year with Chris so we'll have to be away for some time but we have really good plans for our future and I'm so excited for 2010 to get here already.
When Luis Fernando was born in 2005, it was a huge shock to Fer and I. Loosing a child is just so hard and unbearable. I was 18 and had no idea and no space in my mind to think what to do. One of of the nurses asked us what what wanted the hospital to do.... cremate his body and give it to us in a special holding place, or cremate his body and bury it in the cemetary lot that belonged to the hospital. She explained that many many angels are buried there and that many parents decide to do that because the angels are not alone. It made sense to us and having his ashes at home would be hard for me to see. Chris and I will be moving to Mexico next year, we're not planning on coming back anytime soon, probably in a couple of years. Lately, I've been feeling so bad about leaving, I feel as though I'm leaving Luis Fernando behind. I don't regret the decision I made four years ago, its just painful and tears have been flowing way too often. I sopke to hubby about this on the phone and as always he's being my rock through this process. He said our angel is always with us and that its his spirit that will always follow us no matter where we go. I just wish I could get that idea stuck in my head.
Maria
chris
|
|
|
|
Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (3) | Permalink
|
|
|
FEELING UNDER THE WEATHER
|
|
Nov 18, 2009 01:29am (EST)
Chris is sick again. He had testing done and thank God its not H1N1. He seems a little better today so thats good.
We've been a little busy around the house. Hubby leaves to Mexico on the 1st. and I think I'm having some anxiety lately, its going to be so weird to not have him around. I'm also having some testing done in a couple of weeks to try to find out why we can't concieve, that has me a little nervous, excited, anxious, everythings involved right about now. I think I kind of gave up after a few months but now it has me a little worried so we'll see whats going on.
I went to Chris' fist conference at school last week and heard really good things, he's slowly progressing in speech and pays attention to the teacher, helps out, and does whatever he's asked to do. His teacher thinks he is such a wonderful little boy and of course I agree. His speech is getting better by the day, he's receiving speech therapy two to three times a week at school and we also work on it at home by making him repeat some of the words we say. He does repeat some words but then again he tries to use his cuteness to get away with things and may not repeat some words he's capable of pronouncing.
I'm excited about this years Holidays, a little sad because hubby won't be here but still excited to spend them with Chris and my family, gosh I can't believe this year is almost over!
Maria
|
|
|
|
Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (3) | Permalink
|
|
|
FINALLY OCTOBER
|
|
Oct 09, 2009 05:14am (EST)
I wish that 2010 was here already. We have been very busy but in between being so occupied the last two months have just been very hard on me. I wish that I had a clock of life that I could just rotate as my feelings get worse. I find myself depressed somedays and somedays the tears come down. I wish I could make all of this go away, I thought that I had learned how to live with the pain of loosing a child and making something positive come out. I feel as though I'm being a bad mother to Chris because I get sad when he's at school and I'm home alone. Loneliness gets to me bigtime and I sometimes like to think that Luis is right here watching me and that way sord of stop myself from crying, but holding emotions inside doesn't feel good either.
It seems ever since he left us its a non-stop routine each year. Our birthdays are not the same, the only time of the year when I'm actually excited is July because thats the month when Chris was born, after July come August, September which is the worst for me, after that all the holidays that once again remind me that we should be getting two costumes instead of one, one more gift for Christmas for Luis, one more Valentine for Luis, its so on...
I'm tired of feeling this way. I just want to have peace, happiness, and not feel good for a couple of weeks and then crash once again in that pain that I know will never go away but at least learn to deal with. Everytime a year starts I always say to myself, "this year will be different, good-bye sadness", I really hope the next one will be that way.
Christopher is my sunshine, its as though he knows when mommy is sad, he's so loving and is always asking me for kisses and hugs. He's the one that keeps me strong at night when I need to cry, he's the one that keeps me from being any more sad than I need to. He's my everything.
Maria
004
026
|
|
|
|
Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (2) | Permalink
|
|
|
FOUR YEARS LATER
|
|
Sep 22, 2009 05:19am (EST)
Its been really tough lately for me. This month has just been unbearable. I just really hope that as time passes it gets easier. I was looking at Luis' pictures the other day and cherished each and every thing in his memory box, it brought back so many memories, but I managed to get through it with a smile. Christopher is doing really well. He continues to love school and gives us much joy and laughter each day.
Today four years ago, we went baby shopping, after finding out we were expecting a little boy on the day of my birthday. I still remember the excitement waiting at home for Fer to leave the house. Four years ago today, never in a million years would I have imagined what was about to happen, how fast my life would change, the pain I would know, the hurt that I would feel for the rest of my life.
Four years tomorrow, I was laying in a hospital bed, confused, numb, upside down for twenty-four hours hoping and praying that my baby would survive.
It will be four years on Wednesday since I gave birth to my first child, four years since my life changed, four years since I knew what motherly love is, four years since I had to feel the heartache of saying hello and good-bye in the same day, in the same hour. As I write this I feel numb, I still can't believe it happened to me, I still can't believe I sit here wondering why, asking so many questions, and on top of that wondering what if...
I've always said that as passes by you learn to deal with the pain and you learn to accept reality. Luis Fernando will always remain in our hearts. He taught me so much in the short time I carried him, the short time I saw and held him, and I truly believe he still teaches me to be strong. We love you so much Luisito....
Forever in our Hearts...
Luis Fernando Santos
September 23, 2005
2:30pm
Maria
|
|
|
|
Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (4) | Permalink
|
|
|
SO EMMOTIONAL LATELY
|
|
Sep 01, 2009 02:07am (EST)
I have just been an emmotional wreck lately it hurts so much. On top of that I have been so sick and have completely lost my voice. September is here and all the emotions that started four years ago come back so painfully I just can't stand them anymore. I have distanced myslef even from my husband and it hurts because I was almost sure things would get better with all the emotional issues I have to face every now and then. I was almost certain that this year wouldn't be so bad like the past three. Even the smallest things affect the way I see life without Luis. I feel so bad at the though that I spend all this time crying and thinking sad memories when I should be focused on Christopher. I love both of the sons equally but I can't stop feeling guilty. In a way I feel guilty because it happened in the first place, I feel guilty because I didn't hold my son during his last breaths, I feel guilty because I was scared to see him way before I had him, I feel fuilty because I didn't do research on how to prevent a miscarriage or preterm labor, and I could go on and on. I don't want to live like this anymore, I'm tired of feeling guilty, sad, anxious, nervous, scared, and I'm tired of wanting to change things. I just need time I guess.....
Christopher is loving school. He gets up excited every morning and loves riding the bus, the only problem is getting him to wear pull-ups, thats when we fight. He's been bringing home good teacher notes and we went to a conference night last Tuesday and we heard wonders about him. He's doing really well and his speech has improved so much too, we're very happy.
Maria
|
|
|
|
Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (2) | Permalink
|
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
|
|
