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MY LITTLE ANGELS

stacyat

September 2010

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WOW, ALMOST 8 MONTHS OLD

Jul 24, 2010 10:01pm (EST)

"A Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope” ~unknown

A friend of mine posted that quote a few days back. It describes a pregnancy after loss so well. While this baby gives us hope and energy, we are still deep in mourning for our Emilyn and Hailey. I still talk to them, think about them, miss them, and love on them every single day. Wonder what they would look like, what they would be doing at an age adjusted to three and a half months. I cannot believe that in less than a week they will be eight months old. Eight months ago I couldn't see past living to the next minute, let alone almost a full year without them. I can't help but think how much different our lives would be with them in it. Two giggling (or screaming

, I'm realistic) little girls keeping us up at all hours of the night. Would I be one of those ungrateful mom's that I always complain about? I like to think not, because of the struggles we had getting pregnant in the first place, but I don't know, I never will know what I would have been like as a mom who doesn't know loss. I do know one thing, I am cherishing every second that I have with button, morning sickness as all. As miserable as I feel, I still feel so blessed to be given this chance and am looking forward to one day, bringing this little one home, I hope.

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BUTTON IS A GUMMY BEAR!

Jul 22, 2010 01:17am (EST)

Button looks just like a little gummy bear now. Measuring right on track at 1.83 cm, and heartrate of 167-171! I didn't get to hear the heartbeat, she didn't play it out loud, but she did print off five pictures for me! In some of them there is a shadow about the same size as button to the left, I'm sure it is my little angels watching over their little sibling!

I'm sorry I've been VERY slack on responding to the postings that everyone does! I've been feeling super sick and exhausted, but I promise I am reading them all and thinking of you! Once I get this nausea under control I'll be back! Doc gave me some phenergan today. I've taken one dose, absoloutely no change. But she wants me to start taking the B6 again 4 times a day (I quit because it wasn't working) and also the doxylamine at night time on top of the phenergan and she thinks that will hopefully take care of it. If not, onto zofran! I've got my next appointment on August 4, so if it's not working by then I'll ask for the zofran.

I was a total and complete wreck last night, I essentially cried myself to sleep. I was feeling really sick, knew I would be waking up at 4:30 am to drop Charles off at the airport, and had my appointment in the morning, oh and I couldn't fall asleep till after 11:30. Every time I go in I'm convinced that something is going to be wrong, and I just knew that with Charles not being there that something was definitely going to be wrong. I didn't see the heartbeat at first and started to panic and then she pointed it out and I relaxed. I don't know how I'm going to get through this next week and a half without my husband in town, plus my closest friends are off island too so it's just me and my thoughts here at home......ugh, stupid thoughts. If I knew I'd be bringing this little one home with me I would be able to tolerate the sickness, but I'm not convinced!

Talked to an acquaintance today. Her sister is a "medium"

and said that I'm going to have twin boys and that they're going to be just fine. Also that I need to stop eating meat and anything with ingredients that include a number because it's cancer causing and I don't need to pass that on.....hmm....yeah. There was most definitely only ONE button in there, even with a shadow! Everyone has to have their say I guess! Oh, she also told me I'm huge, lol, that part I don't mind because I love that I'm showing! Seriously, I'm wearing a t-shirt today, and not a tight one (usually) and she could tell!

8w5d 5

Posted by stacyat | Comments: (5) | Permalink

READING EVERYTHING

Jul 15, 2010 03:45am (EST)

Perhaps I should try it, it would've kept me from one of my many breakdowns today, though it would have happened eventually regardless of what I *thought* I read today. A friend sent me a message that I *thought* said this "They're always in your heart and in your mind...love them and the new adventure that awaits you. We're all loving you, sending you good wishes, and lots of hugs and kisses. When you all reunite in the future, lots of tears, hugs, smiles, cocktails, and laughs. Miss you!! Love you!!" Which then got me thinking. Oh no, they're going to grow up without me. I'll never get to see them as older babies or even little girls. By the time I see them in heaven they'll be women. They're going to be old enough to drink even! Irrational I know, because who knows if you ever age in heaven, or if we're all the same age or whatever but it just got me thinking I'll miss seeing all that. By the time I make it to heaven will they be 40 year old women?

But this is what her message ACTUALLY said. "They're always in your heart and in your mind...love them and the new adventure that awaits you. We're all loving you, sending you good wishes, and lots of hugs and kisses. When we all reunite at whatever base in the future, lots of tears, hugs, smiles, cocktails, and laughs will be had by all. Miss you!! Love you!!"

Oops. Had I read it all without skipping over bits and changing words maybe I woulda realize she was talking about US all having drinks and crying and talking together.

Oh the life of an angel mom. Maybe I was a bit tired and needed a nap before I decided to read my messages

While I do have fairweather friends, the above message clearly indicates that I do have some amazing friends out there as well. I <3 those ones, they're pretty cool. She also sent her daughter's binkies to Emilyn and Hailey on balloons when it was time to give them up awhile back. She asked before doing it and sent them up to the girls on balloons. I thought it was cute, and helped her daughter to feel like she was helping someone else.

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FAIR WEATHER FRIENDS

Jul 13, 2010 04:19am (EST)

So since I've gone "public" with this pregnancy, I've had multiple friends contact me that I haven't talked to at all since I lost the girls. Don't get me wrong, they sent me a message or email saying they were sorry to hear that I lost the girls, yet they've never sent me one since right after just to say hi, check how I was doing or whatever. I get that, I honestly do. Well, at least for the friends that I'm not really close with. I get how it could be awkward. But how does someone work up the nerve to totally ignore that part of my life and then want to be in my life again when things look like they might possibly be happy again? Only things won't ever be completely happy because there will always be two less heads in my house than there should be. I guess people don't necessarily get that though. They don't get that this little one won't make anything better, it won't fill the void. I'll be happy if I actually get to bring a live child home, but I'll still be missing my girls, forever and always our little angels.

Posted by stacyat | Comments: (6) | Permalink

CAN'T THINK OF A TITLE....

Jul 11, 2010 12:57am (EST)

Being sick while pregnant totally sucks. I won't complain about morning sickness again, because it does not compare to what I felt like yesterday! That was like morning sickness amplified tenfold with fever. Better today, not back to pre-sick health but tons better. I totally blame work too, seems a bit too coincidental that I get sick two days after I first went back to work after finding out that I'm pregnant. I turned in my notice that day, but I do believe I'll be cancelling for the remainder of the days I'm scheduled (only five more) because I can't risk something happening to this little one when it is something that can easily be prevented by not exposing myself to germs in the hospital.

I'm now into the one year anniversaries. One year ago today, I was pregnant with my girls. Or, well technically they weren't them since they weren't conceived quite yet, but today was day one of clomid last year for my cycle that I got pregnant with Emilyn and Hailey on. I miss them now more than ever.

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ALL IS WELL....I THINK

Jul 05, 2010 08:06pm (EST)

I had my ultrasound today. But I went to the bathroom right before we left and what do you think I saw? Yep.....bright red when I wiped. I totally flipped out, almost passed out twice in the car, had to lay my seat back, Charles was driving of course. I went to the bathroom a couple of times before my ultrasound, I've got a nervous bladder. There was still a bit of spotting, but it looked more like residual. Dr. K did a pelvic and saw blood-tinged cervical mucous but no active bleeding. He said I've got ectropian cells on my cervix. Which basically means I've got cells on the outside of my cervix that should be inside, from what I've heard it's not incredibly too uncommon. But that means I'm more prone to bleeding, so any little thing can cause it. He thinks that what caused the bleeding. I haven't seen any more spotting since then, and I hope it stays away! I had spotting (but not bright red) with the girls at 6 weeks exactly and again around 11 weeks after my pap smear. I'm not freaking out at this moment, if it continues then maybe but right now I'm ok. At least it happened when I already had an appointment scheduled so I didn't have to go down to the ER and spend hours

So my ultrasound went great! Baby is measuring 0.63 cm on average, which is right on target for 6 weeks 3 days pregnant! Baby's heart rate was 115 which is great, he said he just wants to see above 100 at this point in time. He played the heartbeat out loud, gotta say, hearing your child's heart beating like that is the best sound in the world. He gave me a script for B6 for the nausea as well as some extra folic acid just to throw it at me I think, lol. I asked him about the possibility of them shipping me off island and he basically said they couldn't. I told him well, then I'm leaving at 14 weeks. He doesn't really think that's necessary, seems to think that I'll go full term this time and have no problems. I told him I have to go for my peace of mind knowing the high risk doctors are right there and the nursery is right there without having to fly a few hours to get there. At least this way I don't have to stress about whether or not they'll approve it and can just by my ticket ahead and have it be cheaper. He said he didn't need to see me until I was about 10 weeks for my new ob appointment, but that if I would go completely batty waiting that long could come for another appointment in 2 weeks. So I've got an appointment in 2 weeks

He knew if he gave me the option I'd take it. Also have another appointment scheduled for two weeks from that, in addition to my "new ob" class I've got to take.

Yeah, took that about ten months ago I think. Yes, I know you can't eat lunch meat. Yes, I know you shouldn't shake a baby. No, I don't care about typhoon precautions because I'll be gone by the time it matters.

I went "public" with my pregnancy. Figured I'd share this little one with family and friends for as long as possible, hopefully it'll be for years and years, but if not our little button has been well loved by everyone we know! Thus far the response has been pretty good, no hurtful comments yet, so yay!

Oh, and twelve hours on from bleeding episode, no more bleeding/spotting since those three times I got blood and then just residual, so yay!

Pic 1: Best sound in the world
Pic 2: Button measuring 0.62 cm, though on average it was 0.63 cm
Pic 3: Button (on the left all white) and yolk sac (on the right with black center)

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QUICK AND DIRTY......OK, MAYBE LONG

Jul 01, 2010 03:29am (EST)

Ok, so here's the quick and dirty on this pregnancy and everything that goes along with it, basically expanding on what I touched on yesterday. Just doing this without thinking about it too much otherwise I'll just delete everything I write. I still dunno why it feels weird to be writing about this, maybe because it doesn't seem real yet?

Thus far, it is going well. I'm 5 weeks 5 days along right now, getting another ultrasound next Tuesday when I'm 6 weeks 3 days along and we should see my little one's heartbeat at that point.

We decided that for our peace of mind, I will be moving back home to Oklahoma around September first when I am 14-15 weeks along. As hard as it will be to be so far away from my husband during my pregnancy and facing the possibility he will miss the birth, we decided that we couldn't live with ourselves if we didn't do everything in our power to give this little one the best chance at life. We have found a fabulous doctor. Well, actually I found her with my pregnancy with the girls but never got to use her. A friend here recommended her to me. She was medivac'd off island as well, but because she is a carrier for hemophilia and they can't deal with that here! I had an appointment scheduled with her and everything for the girls, unfortunately I didn't make it far enough along to be medivac'd and see her. So my mom called her late last week to see about getting an email address for her so we could email back and forth to make sure she was willing to take me on. The actualy doctor herself called my mom back, and not only that, she remembered me! I never even met the woman, but she remembered me and that I was pregnant with twins and from Guam! My mom gave her a quick rundown of what happened, and she said she would be willing to take me. She said she would email me directly, and I got that this afternoon. I sent her an email giving her a more detailed rundown than what my mom would have been able to provide and asked her a few questions including if she would still take me on, if she was ok with my current plan of care for this pregnancy, and if I would be followed by a peri as well. So now I just wait for an answer. But from what my mom said she thinks I will love her, and she really sounds on top of things, so here's to hoping for a good match! Plus she said that if I have to be seen by a peri (which I fully intend to) that they are right down the hall! This hospital isn't the swankiest (sp?) of hospitals, but it's the best as far as caring for high risk pregnancies. The delivery rooms are right across the hall from the NICU as well from what I hear, though I hope that I won't have to take advantage of that closeness because I'm hoping for full term (pipe dream I'm sure).

Ok, I would like to slap someone. That someone would be whoever told me that morning sickness with twins was worse than with a singleton, because whoever told me that LIED! Well, I guess that is pending there is only one little button hanging out in there, there could be more. I've been laid up all day today with no relief! Even my peppermint remedy that usually works didn't quite cut it today! At least no vomiting, gotta look at the positive things! Totally loving it though because it means that baby is doing well! Although to be honest I wouldn't be completely be heartbroken if I fell asleep tonight and woke up in my second trimester.

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SEVEN MONTHS IN HEAVEN

Jun 30, 2010 03:02am (EST)

My little girls have been in heaven for seven months today. Seven long long months, it seems like an eternity yet at the same time seems like just yesterday I was feeling them roll around safe and sound in my belly. I so wish that they were born two and a half months ago like they should have been instead of seven. I wonder what they would be doing now if they were. I would give anything to know.

I've started many blogs in this past week about my current pregnancy. How it is going (good), the big decision I've made about my care (moving to Oklahoma in September until the birth), and how I am feeling (quesy but loving it). But the words don't come. I'm not sure why, you've probably figured I am hardly ever at a loss for words. I'm just not sure, this almost just feels like my blog for Emilyn and Hailey. Yeah, I know I've blogged about my journey through TTC a little sibling, but now that I'm pregnant it seems like I would somewhat be taking away something that was special just for them. Maybe I can look at it as blogging about their sibling, who is just as much a part of them as anything else.

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SURPRISE ULTRASOUND

Jun 24, 2010 04:21pm (EST)

So I got one heck of a surprise. I got my HCG drawn on Wednesday, yesterday. My level was 2,352, which is great that it’s that high! But, it also means that I am right on the track of what it was when I was pregnant with the girls, and that is a scary thing for me. My body has already shown that it cannot handle a twin pregnancy, even to carry them to viability let alone close to term. Well, my doctor told me last week she would do an ultrasound once my levels got to 1,500. I thought she meant schedule one for when I could get in, not make room for me. So, when they called with my results, they told me that if I wanted they could schedule me for an ultrasound. Who am I to turn down a perfectly good ultrasound? So I went in at ten am today. I ran into Dr. K, my usual doc and told him that I was having an ultrasound and how far along I was, he said to expect to see the gestational sac for sure, anything else is bonus material! After they did that, they took my vitals, I think my blood pressure was in the range of 137/96……she asked if I was nervous. Um…..what gave you that idea?

So I went in for the ultrasound, and sure enough there was that happy little gestational sac sitting right in my uterus! We also think we saw the yolk sac too, no baby quite yet though. There was only one that she could see, but there is still a chance that another one will come out of hiding at my next ultrasound or that it is identical twins. So she sent me on my happy way and told me to schedule an ultrasound for three weeks. Well, I had already scheduled one for July 6 with my usual doc and he was ok with it, so I’m going to keep that one. That will be when I am 6w3d pregnant and we should be able to see the heartbeat and all. With the girls, we could see both heartbeats and measure them at 6 weeks exactly so I think we’ll be in good standing on that day.

A pic of my little one's home for the next 8 (hopefully) months.

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RAINBOW BABY BLESSING

Jun 19, 2010 12:49am (EST)

I spend so much time here complaining about this or that on here, so I thought I'd blog about something that does not contain one complaint.

Today I went to a post baby baby shower for a friend's rainbow baby. I guess it was more of a baby blessing, but I didn't find that out until after I got there. So they started the blessing, one lady read a passage out of the bible and blessed the little boy. Then the minister's wife started her bit. She read a bit out of her bible, and it was all about angels and I knew instantly where it was going, bit my lip and tried not to cry. She went on to talk about that the bible never says anything specific about people having specific angels but that she thinks that she things his angel sister is watching over him all the time. Also that even though our loved ones have passed away, they are still always around us. They were talking about a few other things but I forget what. Then something caught my attention, because someone said that now her angel girl has two other playmates with her in heaven. That broke the dam and I immediately started crying, along with everyone else in the room, I don't think there was a dry eye in there. I was so touched for my friend that they would think to include her sweet baby girl and acknowledge how bittersweet that day was. Also that they would mention my little girls in heaven with her. It was a beautiful day.

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