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LIFE AFTER XAVIER

ElleBee

May 2013

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"OH I DIDN'T KNOW..."

Aug 20, 2010 02:14am (EST)

Today was my 3rd day back at work and I found myself in an agitated mood. I heard "How's your baby" like 3 times today. I would just ignore the people. The final time I was asked that I said, "Don't ever ask me how my son is doing". I wasn't very nice about it, I will admit. The environment I work in is like a small town and news travels fast. Just because you didn't know doesn't mean you were supposed to. Xavier's passing is not common knowledge. I hate it there. The people that I could care less about are acting so concerned and then asks "well what happened" like I'm really gonna give them a play by play. Please. Maybe I'm being hypersensitive. I wish they would just stop talking to me. If they have never had a NICU experience, they will never understand.

Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (6) | Permalink

FIRST DAY BACK AT WORK

Aug 18, 2010 03:30am (EST)

This morning I was extremely anxious about walking into work. Everything was going ok until someone asked me "How's the baby?" I was afraid to even say what happened to Xavier. It really upset me. She apologized for asking and shared with me her own story of loss. I didn't want to cry at work but I did. I couldn't help it. So my day wasn't the best. All I want is my baby. Instead of welcoming him into the world on his due date, I'm missing him. I hate this.

Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (3) | Permalink

GOING BACK TO WORK ON MY DUE DATE

Aug 16, 2010 10:21pm (EST)

So the week that I was supposed to return to work I didn't. I wasn't prepared at all. Now I am ready but I have to return on my due date, August 17th. How do I feel about this? Not great but I can deal with this. Xavier's Mom is strong. I know there will be people who may want to say things to me. I just don't want people to ask any questions that may evoke tears. It's time to put my game face on. It's been a rough summer for me. I just pray that I'm ready for it. Wish me luck. Thanks to all the Mommies on Share. You have helped me more that you will ever know. I will update you on how my first day went.

Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (3) | Permalink

DEAR XAVIER

Aug 08, 2010 01:12am (EST)

Oh my sweet baby boy, I miss you more than you can ever imagine. I think about you day and night. As your due date approaches, the ache in my heart intensifies. I wanted you to stay with me, but sadly, it wasn't in God's will. You have taught me that life is precious. Every breath we take, every beat of our hearts. I thank you Xavier. You were here for a reason, and once your mission was complete, God took you back home. It is true, as easily as life is given, it can just as easily be taken away. I look at your pictures all the time. The bathtime photos are my favorite.

Don't worry about Daddy, he's being strong for me. We will be okay. He's just missing you like I am. The family talks about you. Granny wishes you were still here but she says that God doesn't make mistakes. I always felt uneasy about that statement. Believe me when I say that you will always have a place in my heart. I love you without abandon and always will. My precious baby boy, you will never be forgotten.

Love, until the end of time, always and forever,

Mommy

Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (3) | Permalink

STILL LACTATING...

Jul 30, 2010 04:33pm (EST)

This morning I woke up and my shirt was wet from breastmilk. This has happened several times before. I assumed that when I stopped pumping, I would stop producing milk. It is a little upsetting to me. How can I get it to stop? I am so tired of being sad all the time and this just keeps adding insult to injury. It's hard trying to cope. *sighs* Lord, give me strength.

Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (3) | Permalink

GETTING USED TO MY NEW "NORMAL"

Jul 28, 2010 07:22pm (EST)

I will be returning to work next week and honestly, I'm not up to it. Going back to my routine of getting dressed, taking the drive, and sitting at my desk, will feel so different because all I can think about is my son. I'll be going back to work the same week that I was supposed to be starting my maternity leave. That sucks. On top of that, I had a pregnancy buddy at work and I really don't want to see her. I'm hoping that she will be on her leave when I get back. I don't want to be asked tons of questions about my son while I was away. I don't want the people in my office looking at me with pity. I just want to be left alone. I want to do my job and leave. The joy in my life is gone. Xavier is my heart and soul. I JUST WISH THAT HE WAS HERE WITH ME! I MISS HIM SO MUCH!

When I'm at home cooking my dinner, I can't help but think that I should have been rocking my baby to sleep, breastfeeding, and looking at how perfect he is. Instead, I'm left with pictures of my baby, blankets, a room filled with clothes, and short videos that I recorded on my cell phone. In my new "normal", I will always exist in a world where things should have been. There will be no birthdays for my precious Xavier, no first smiles, no first steps, or first words. No Christmas, no dressing up on Easter Sunday. All these things I think about. The fact that my son did not survive the NICU will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (4) | Permalink

DADDY GRIEVES TOO

Jul 27, 2010 03:32am (EST)

I am almost embarrassed to post this but I feel that I have neglected the feelings of my significant other, G.R. I have to remember that as Xavier's father, he is mourning the loss of his son. Even though Xavier was my only child, G.R. has two others. He doesn't show his emotions the way I do and at times I accuse him of not caring. A few weeks ago, we got into a heated discussion, but the bain of our anger was not the petty disagreement but rather the intense emotion of losing our son. It was the first time, apart from Xavier's funeral, that I saw any emotion from this man, and let me tell you he let it loose. I love him so much but I see so much of my son in him, I can't stand to look at him. At night, when he's sleeping I just stare at him and cry. While Xavier was in the NICU, he was still working and he saw him whenever he could. I was on leave still and I would get upset with him for not being there as much as I was, but looking back, someone had to keep working. I think that was his way of coping. I will say this, he was always there when it counted. He misses Xavier. This experience has brought us closer. I think that we now see the true character of each other. He told me that he sees me in a different light. He sees that I am strong. I used to send him pictures of Xavier and he would say "He is a wonder!" and he was. Such an awesome child we created, so precious. Perhaps, too precious for this world. That's how we'd like to think of it.

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Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (4) | Permalink

FILLED WITH ANGER

Jul 22, 2010 01:38am (EST)

Today was not a good day for me. I tried to do normal everyday things like grocery shopping but I found crying as I shopped. I just left the cart in the middle of the aisle and went home. All I could do is think about my little Xavier. Every pregnant woman I see, every newborn, every stroller or carrier I miss him more and more. I feel that life has played this cruel trick on me. The world is filled with people who really don't need kids. They mistreat them, harm them, you name it. I wanted nothing but to love my child and give him everything that I can and I couldn't keep mine. I am just so ANGRY! I'm not dealing with this very well. I'm supposed to be going to grief counseling soon. I'm hoping that it will help me. I feel that I'm going to lose my mind one of these days.

Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (4) | Permalink

TROUBLE COPING

Jul 20, 2010 04:01am (EST)

It has been almost a month since Xavier passed and I don't think I've had a decent night's rest since he was born. Late at night, I think about him and I look at his pictures and I grieve. My first and only child is not here with me and it hurts. I am often affected late at night and early in the morning. He is fresh on my mind. I spend my nights replaying the events over and over in my head and I am constantly tortured by the shoulda coulda woulda monster. My significant other and I seem to argue over the craziest things but it all boils down to our son. I miss him and I have all these emotions that are so overwhelming and I take it out on him. I must remember that he is hurting too although he doesn't express them the way I would. How can I ever get over this phase in my life? Will things ever be normal for me again? Will I ever be able to talk about my baby without crying? I feel that if I have another baby, he will think that I'm trying to replace him. Is that crazy of me to think that way?

Posted by ElleBee | Comments: (1) | Permalink

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