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MISSING LEEVON

abb

May 2013

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CHRISTMAS

Dec 23, 2009 05:33am (EST)

I took my son Bode to see a trail of lights in our neighborhood tonight. It was fun to see him get so excited but I felt really sad too. It seems like there are babies everywhere. While they are all so beautiful and precious it's a constant reminder that my baby boy is gone.

It hurts. There's just no other way to describe it. I'm faking the happiness this year.

He would have been two months old yesterday and I didn't even remember until today. I felt terrible for forgetting. It's not that I forgot him, I just forgot the day. I think about him and his sweet face everyday. I keep telling myself things like he wasn't meant to stay. Now he's somewhere better. He's not going to suffer. He's not going to have life long pains because of his prematurity. It's like I'm trying to convince myself that what happened, happened for a reason.

There's no reason. He died and it's the most horrible thing I could have ever imagined.

I want so much for this year to be over with, but then here comes Leevon's due date. It's never going to be over. The pain is never going away. I'll just learn to live with it and maybe even notice it less. I wish I could be happy this Christmas. I wish I was big, fat and pregnant. I wish I could feel him move inside me. I wish so much, so much.

Posted by abb | Comments: (4) | Permalink

IN MEMORY

Dec 16, 2009 08:03pm (EST)

Today my little boy's name plate for his beautiful oak urn came in the mail. It says only this:

Leevon Matthew Wells
October 21, 2009 - October 30, 2009

It's so sad to see it. Everyday I hold and touch the urn and look at his picture sitting right next to it. It feels comforting but my heart aches when I touch it as well. I miss him so much even though he was in our lives for such a short period. It's hard to explain how much love I still have for him. I know I'll always love him.

Life is returning to a new normal I guess. I work from home but talk to people on the phone all day. So many people ask me where I've been. It's hard to explain. Most of the time I just say I took a leave and leave it at that. Sometimes I tell them what happened, but not usually. I hate it.

Christmas is coming whether we want it to or not. Bode, my 4 year old, is so excited. We went shopping for him last week. It was difficult to be in a toy store. I saw so many baby toys. I couldn't take my eyes off of them. It just hurt. I should be buying baby things for Leevon right now too. Even with all the pain, it did feel good to shop for Bode. I have yet to buy anything else for other people. I don't think I will this year.

Posted by abb | Comments: (3) | Permalink

ANOTHER TRY

Dec 11, 2009 07:31pm (EST)

I went to my 6 week post partum check up this week but another mom was in labor and pushing so my doctor had to reschedule the exam. We did get to talk for a few minutes though about our wishes to try again as soon as possible.

I'm turning 37 in May and feel pressure to try sooner than later given my age. But since my emergency c-section was done she suggested that I wait until at least 18 mos. because my uterus was cut vertically. Leevon was so small and already low in the canal so I cannot have a vaginal birth again or go into labor. She said because of my age, I could deliver earlier, but the next delivery should be at least 12 mos. since the last c-section.

Does anyone have any experience with this? I'm so scared. To think about losing another baby is completely terrifying although I know it could happen. I feel we are ready. I feel I can do it but I know it's going to be so difficult mentally.

Posted by abb | Comments: (4) | Permalink

SWEET TRAVY

Dec 08, 2009 05:31pm (EST)

Today my husband's grandmother -- Travis Crilly aka Travy -- passed away. She was 92 and lived an outstanding life. For her 80th birthday she chose to skydive. For her 85th birthday she took a one month cruise from Hawaii to China and back. She lived life to the fullest and it was a great pleasure to have known her.

As she became ill over the past 4 months, she told us that she wanted to go and give her soul to our baby Leevon. She wanted Leevon to stay on this earth and take her place. Her words touched my heart so much. They were sincere and I know she would have done just that if she could have.

Travy will be missed. Leevon will be missed. But I know they have each other now, where ever they may be.

Rest in peace Travy. We love you.

Posted by abb | Comments: (2) | Permalink

6 WEEKS POSTPARTUM

Dec 04, 2009 05:20pm (EST)

The last two mornings have gone a lot better with Bode. He's going to school but still says he hates school. Although every time we pick him up from school he's all smiles. I think he might be regressing a bit into separation aniexty. I spoke to my counselor yesterday about it. We know that we need to give him lots of love but also stick to our routine and boundries. This will make him feel more secure in the end.

I ordered a book online today that my counselor recommended. It's called "The other side of sadness". She said it's been getting a lot of great reviews and is for those dealing with a loss. It helps me to understand what I'm going through. Hopefully it will be helpful.

I just hit my 6 week post partum and will go for my check up next week. I'm nervous about it. I've tried to be careful and let my body heal. My husband and I want to try to conceive again, as soon as possible. I'm 36 and with each year that passes I know the risks increase. It's scary though.

I still don't know why I lost Leevon but my doctor suspects that the amnio might have played a role in it. But they are not sure. I began bleeding almost a month after my amnio. My doctors say it would be extremely rare to have complications so far out from the amnio but it's a possibility. It makes me so sad to think that maybe I caused the preterm birth because I elected to get the amnio. But I'll go crazy if I blame myself.

I chose the amnio because of my age and was concerned about genetic defects. Having another baby will be difficult because I'll have the same concerns. Although I'm pretty sure I won't do another amnio. I feel like I would have done a few things differently if I had "known." Leevon's amnio was normal. He would have been a health boy if he had not been delivered early. Are we to blame? I guess we'll never know.

Posted by abb | Comments: (5) | Permalink

GRIEVING 4 YEAR OLD

Dec 02, 2009 09:02pm (EST)

My son Bode has been going through his own form of grieving I guess. I've been home a month now but the last two weeks my husband and I have noticed some changes. Bode has really been testing boundries with us. Not listening or ignoring us when we ask him to do something. Telling us "no" more frequently. A few days ago he didn't want to go to bed and told us he was moving out, or would live outside because he didn't want to live with us anymore.

It's really strange and concerns us both a lot. We have a close relationship with him. He has been mostly sleeping in our room since he was a baby. We enjoy that closeness with him. But then all the pregnancy problems started. I was on bed rest for 3 weeks and then in the hospital for 2 weeks until Leevon died. Then the memorial service, and all the other chaos.

It seems that just now Bode has started to come to realize he doesn't feel right. A few days ago, randomly, he told me that he really wishes Leevon hadn't died. He's told me this a few times since his death. I know he thinks about it and I know he's probably feeling emotions he doesn't know how to handle. So he's acting out in the only way he knows how.

This morning, he didn't want to go to school. He screamed and cried but I took him anyway. It was terrible but I felt that if I gave in, going to school would be worse tomorrow. All of sudden he says he hates school because by the time he gets home it's almost nighttime. I usually pick him up by 4:30 (after work) so that's not the case. He's never hated school before.

I'm not sure how we'll deal with this but I know we need to be patient and give a lot of love, with boundries too. I failed to think about how he is handling the loss of his baby brother. He seemed so happy until recently. I hate this. I hate to see him so unlike his normal self. I feel guilty. I feel almost like he's mad at me for Leevon's death.

In all my grief I never even noticed how my own son was grieving too. Until now.

Posted by abb | Comments: (3) | Permalink

SURVIVAL

Nov 30, 2009 07:52pm (EST)

I returned to work on the one month anniversary of Leevon's death. Not a great idea but I have to say it has kept me from dwelling the entire day. I can't believe a month has passed. I miss him so much.

Leevon died on October 30 at 7:56 a.m. in my arms. It's a day that I'll never forget. I knew when the nurse came to get me that things weren't good. I had just seen him at 6:15 a.m. and his blood pressure was low but the nurse said not to worry; there is still a lot the doctors can do to bring it up again. So I left; returned to the hospital room they were letting me stay in after discharge. Then at 7 a.m. another nurse knocked on my door and said I better come now. That walk to the NICU felt like I was walking to an execution room. I felt like it was my death that I'd find at the end of the hall.

In a way, I did die that day, or at least part of me died. A very important part of me. But the rest of me that still lives must live on for the sake of my other son Bode. He needs me. I know he does. But I'm not the same Mama I used to be. I try but he knows I'm different. Bode hasn't left my side since I returned from the hospital without Leevon. He goes to school reluctantly but is afraid to leave me. I guess he knows how much I need him now, even at his young age of 4.

I keep thinking how I'm going to get through the rest of this year. How am I going to decorate the tree, put up lights and act festive for Bode? I'm dreading December.

People keep telling me how strong I've been. I'm not strong. I'm just doing what needs to be done. That doesn't make me strong. I'm just surviving like the rest of those who have lost their children. Each day is just another day of survival.

Here's to you baby boy. Mama loves you and misses you so much. I hope you're flying high like the little butterfly I know you've become.

Posted by abb | Comments: (4) | Permalink

ONE MONTH

Nov 29, 2009 07:49pm (EST)

Tomorrow marks the end of the first month after losing my baby boy Leevon. Why does it feel like yesterday? The pain, emptiness and loss feels just the same. But I'm happy too. I have a healthy four and half year old son who is the joy of my life. I have a wonderful husband who loves and supports me. Yet nothing takes away the grief. It lingers and haunts me.

Leevon lived only 9 days in this life. He was born at 23w6d. He fought hard and is loved by many. I will never forget him and will love him forever.

I wonder what's next? When will I feel normal again? I know I'll probably never be the same. I can only hope that I'll be better. But right now I just feel broken, hurt and defeated. How do I get back to normal?

One month down and a lifetime to go. I miss my baby boy. I'll miss him forever.

Posted by abb | Comments: (5) | Permalink

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