Madi lost her brother Colin

Colin and Madilyn's mommy - 07:25am Oct 6, 2005 EST

My twin boy and girl were born at 25 weeks a 6 days. Nothing had gone wrong in my pregnancy. I never even had morning sickness. I began having back pain one day and waited 1 1/2 days to call my doct becasue Iht ought it was normal pregnancy pains (my first pregnancy). When i went in I was three centimeters dilated. Baby A (madi)'s water broke and I was in bed at the hospital for three days before the doctor said I was dilated 5 centimeters and needed to be delivered by c-section. I could not believe this was happening to me. There was no reason for this to happen. My babies were born, Madi, 1lb 11 oz and Colin, 1lbs, 4 oz. My sweet babies were beautiful and seemed to have the normal problems a preemie has. My Colin struggled more than his sister but was doing well. We met with the doctor on a Tuesday when they were three weeks old and discussed how well they were doing. Colin has a PDA that was being treated in indicine and a cyst in his brain, but nothing too concerning. We discussed that they seemed "out of the woods" and discussed treatment plans. 12 hours later when I was at home I received a call that Colin had gotten sicker over night. His tummy was distended and the doctors did not seem to know exactly what was happening. She told me that i did not need to rush in right now, but that she needed to let me know. i called my husband at work and told him. he planned to finish things up and to meet me at the hospital. I took a shower and pumped before I left. As I was walking out the door not more than 1 hour later, I was called again and told the the situation was signifgant. I cried the entire way to the hospital asking God to save my little boy. When I arrived he was awake and moving. I sat with him and held his hand. Colin went into cardiac arrest several times, his blood was acidic, he wasn't moving blood through his body. Three blood transfusions did not help. My husband and I held his little hand while the doctor did chest compressions. After six hours it was apparent that he was being tortured by this. He was laid in my arms were he died. It was later determined that he died from a staph infection. I buried my little boy just two days ago and can't seem to wrap my mind around why my little boy was taken from me by something like this. Within 15 hours the infection invaded his little body and stole him away. We are now left feeling empty and terrified for our little girl. We are left with the task of explaining to Madi why her brother is not with her. We walk into the NICU everyday trying to be strong for our baby girl, holding our breath. I can't seem to get over the feeling that I am the only mother that has lost a child, that his death was so pointless and preventable, and that i will fail atbeing a good mother to my daughter becasue of the extreme pain and sadness I feel and will never be able to over come. I feel guilty, alone and scared. I should have done more for him. I should have protected him. I feel guilty for everything I do. I feel guilty for laughing, sleeping, eating, for speding time with my daughter. I can't stop looking into the future and wondering how birthdays and holidays will be. How will I feel when I see other twins? How will it be when I bring my daughter home? I thought the hardest thing I would have to do was to see my babies in the NICU. I was wrong and still not sure if I can survive this.

I am thankful and gracious for every second I had with my son. I was able to hold him several times and can still feel him against my chest, snuggling against me. He touched me so much and has changed my life so completely. I believe that he is now in heaven watching over us, but yet, not comforted by this quite yet. I wish the world was able to meet him and to see how courageous and brave my little boy was.

My daughter continues to be in the NICU. She is on the ventaltor after 4 weeks which scares me so. She is now 2.5 lbs. We hope she will be home for Christmas. I hope that that I can be strong for her sake and for Colin's.