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WELCOME, GUEST |
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(2 members)
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niylnnrae @a…6 |
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gregery'smam…6 |
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CHRISTOPHER SANTOS
Maria Guzman |
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| Category: Home | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
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MOVING ON TO REGULAR EDUCATION!
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Apr 24, 2013 06:10pm (EST)
As I begin to type these words my eyes fill with tears. I have been on an emmotional rollercoaster for these last few weeks. I don't even know why. Well I do actually, I miss my boy terribly and I haven't told anybody just how much I remember holding him, just how much I wish I could see him, I miss him so much and I've been wanting to go to the cemetery but can't pull myself together and make that 40min. drive. It kills me inside to know I have been there only once in 7 years. I feel like such a terrible person, like a terrible mother even though I know I'm not. I try to be the best I can and through my hard days I try to focus on my everyday life and be a good wife and a good mother, a good daughter even though sometimes I feel like curling up in bed I have to get out. I'll turn on my computer sometimes and google how to obtain a death certificate, I don't even know how I would find one when my baby's name said Baby Guzman, not Luis Fernando. I made the call one time to the hospital and froze, didn't say a word. I need to though, I want to have something I can look back at and prove that he existed even though to a lot of people he didn't because we never brought him home. I've been thinking of getting his birth certificate, he was born alive so I'm guessing there would be a birth and death certificate perhaps. I guess I'm just too scared for that closure in my mind. Because in my heart he will forever live. I love him so so much.
My rainbow child is going to regular education next school year! We had his IEP evaluation a few weeks ago and he has advance so much he will be going to regular 2nd grade. We are so proud of him, he has come such a long way with speech and occupational therapy these last 4 years. Its kinda of bitter sweet at the same time because he has attended the same school for four years and he will now be going to our home school which is smaller and closer to our house. I just hope he adapts quickly and likes it there too. He's very excited to be riding the "big bus", even though thats the part that makes me more nervous to be honest. My baby is growing up so fast.
Johnathan has been trying to pronounce more words lately which is great and exciting. I can't believe my boy's birthday is coming up again already, July 22 and July 26, plans have begun! We are also planning a trip to the beach not sure which one yet though, we are landlocked in Georgia so have to drive for a few hours, I'm really excited though, I'm sure my almost 2 year old will make it even more interesting, lol.
Maria
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Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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THE LOVE FOR A CHILD
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Nov 05, 2012 02:52am (EST)
Last week was a bit hard for me in particular. A friend of our family lost her 6 month old son in a very tragic way. In the hands of a babysitter or so they say. We have close ties to the babysitter in this case. Her husband is Chris' Godfather. He later married her about two years later so my boy calls her Godmother even though she wasn't present when we Baptized him. The autopsy proved blunt force trauma to the head and the baby was taken off life support about three weeks later. This has been bothering me so much lately but I've decided to put it behind me and move foward with our lives. I attended the baby's funeral last week, it was my first time attending one for a baby. I thought about it all day long and finally decided to attend two hours before it started. Honestly, I knew that would stay in my head for a long time. After loosing our son I was just really scared to see the baby's lifeless body, I knew it would break my heart. I walked in and saw a closed casket. Small and white. I walked up to his mother and told her how sorry I was for what she was going through, I told her I had no other words other than how sorry I was, I didn't know what to say. She held my hands and told me she knew I meant every word. She knew I was close to the person responsible. I was crying and she was smiling. She told me she knew what I had gone through with my first son and said she still saw hurt in my eyes, she said I needed to get close to God because he was the one giving her strength. I told her how much I admired her strength and hugged her. My sister and I sat through the service, it was beautiful. His father and mother sang him a song, I was so amazed at their strength. After the service, they announced that they would open the casket for anyone who wanted to view the baby, his name was Angel. I walked up to her and told her we were leaving, and told her how I had told my angel to play with Angel and hold his hand in Heaven. She looked me in the eyes smiling and said, "I think they already met". I had tears rolling down my face and smiled and hugged her once more.
Before leaving though something inside told me I had to see him. I walked up to the open casket and did. He looked so peaceful, perfect, dressed in white. I remembered how scared I was to see my son after delivering him at 22 weeks. I was 18, never been pregnant before, scared out of my mind, and in a way in shock that that was happening to me. I will forever regret not holding my son for the four minutes the nurses said he lived, I will forever regret that. I wasn't scared to see Angel anymore, in a way it gave me some closure, hard to explain but it did.
I know a lot of people deal with grief in different ways. I dealt with it the way I knew was right, I cried my eyes out for days and days, I cried myself to sleep, I cried in the shower, I cried when I was washing dishes, I just cried till I knew it was okay to stop and then I found myself crying again. I screamed at God, I asked why, why, why?..... I was so amazed with these parents' strength and know just how much they love their son and no love for a child is ever big enough.
Maria
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Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (6) | Permalink
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SHARE UNION
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Nov 05, 2012 02:42am (EST)
First off I want to say what a great time I had at Share Union. This was my second one and I have to say I felt in the right place, with a group of women that have been through similar circumstances, the loss of a child, the NICU, and so many other topics. I have to say I came home a much stronger person, I just felt different. Luckily, my boys didn't have such a hard time without mommy around, lol. Thank you all who made that possible....
My boys are doing great, they got kind of sick with the weather changing but are doing very well now. We were able to enjoy the Pumpkin Patch and Halloween. We have made that a tradition since Chris' first Halloween, it's awesome even though now that he's 6 he's not that interested in pony rides and petting the bunnies. We still have out 15 month old who does. They both had a great time and this year we took along Jayden, my nephew, he's 3 months old but he's starting to be part of our tradition too. Chris is doing great in school. We had some issues with his behaivor but it's mostly immitating what other kids do, so we're working on that. Johnathan is doing good, walking around and getting into trouble all the time. He's 15 months old now and only says "mama" so we're kind of starting to worry about his speech a little. Just keeping an eye in case he needs therapy like Chris did we can get an early start on that. But otherwise, they are both doing really well and we are so thankful for that.
Maria
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Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (3) | Permalink
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ITS BEEN A LONG TIME....
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Oct 04, 2012 02:19am (EST)
I haven't blogged in forever!
We have been crazy busy around our house, or at least I have. I was really dreading the month of September. Hubby's birthday, my birthday and of course our angel's birthdays are all in September. I turned 25 this year, don't feel much different, yet. I can't believe as young as I am, yes I still consider myself pretty young, I have been through so much. We lost our sweet Luis when I was 18, I was also still 18 when Christopher was born and dealing with all his health issues, loosing a child, and everything else changed me forever. I sometimes sit and think about everything that could have been if our son had survived, I feel almost selfish to think about that because some people would say if you had Luis, you wouldn't have Chris. I know that's truth but I wish I had my 3 boys together. My heart breaks when I see a mother and 3 boys, it still does to this day. But I guess part of me has learned to deal with my emotions. I am truly blessed to have my two sons by my side.
Christopher has been doing great in school. He still receives speech therapy and has been doing awesome. He's really good at reading too. He comes home and draws, draws, draws. Sometimes it drives me nut because I'll buy him notebooks, coloring pads and he still uses up all my printer paper and throws his books away. Ugh! But then he tapes his pictures on the walls around the house and it makes me smile. He keeps telling us he wants a sister, lol.
Johnathan is doing great also. He's now 14 months old and started walking at 1 year. He's soooo bad, lol. He gets into everything, climbs on chairs, gets all the pots and pans out. Weird how one spends so much money on toys and he's happy with a pan and a spoon. He's so smart too, already trying to talk, he's just so darn cute! His pediatrician is concerned about his height though, but I guess he gets it from his momma. He still fits in 9 month clothing, my little peanut.
We are thinking having just one more in about 1 year or so. I'm still a little traumatized with everything I went through during my last pregnancy, all the scares, the shots, the hospitalizations, the c-section, and the baby blues afterwards are really hard to go through but I can gladly say I would do it again.
I'm really looking foward to Share Union in a couple of weeks. This will be my 2nd and I'm a little nervous but very excited to be with you all that have been so much support through these 7 years since I joined Share. It's so nice to be in a room filled with people that truly understand me.
Maria
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Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (2) | Permalink
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IT'S BEEN FOREVER.....
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Apr 16, 2012 03:21am (EST)
First of all I want to tell all my fellow Share mommies I haven't forgotten about you all. Yall are constantly on my mind and prayers. Many of us share so many experiences that have changed us forever, goals, and dreams.
Things have been a little hard lately. I can truly say these last few months have been the hardest since loosing our son Luis in 2005. I don't think I have ever been so sad ever since. Our faith and love has been tested in our family. We have grown stronger though and I thought I had realized just how lucky I was to have everything, health, love, happiness, our boys, my husband, my parents, my sister. On February 1st. a long journey began for my family. Due to personal reasons I can't disclose that here on my blog, my boys will one day read this and I rather explain to them why grandpa is not around for these few months. That journey made me travel accross the country, 3 flights with my 7 month old son leaving behind my husband and Christopher, it broke my heart. Christopher and my mom joined me a few days later. But I did the best I could and stayed strong throughtout the ordeal for my mother and my sister. We have always been so close to my father it was very hard..... But God listen to our prayers and soon our family will be together again. I must add though that my father is in good health thank God and it's just a matter of patience and time.
On another note:
We moved to another house at the end of March, I like it better here, it's cozier. I'm slowly putting things in place and my boys love their rooms. It has been fun decorating it, if only I can focus on unpacking all of my clothes. There's no stairs here which is great because John is crawling! He started sitting at 6 months and at 8 months crawling. He will be 9 months on the 26th and he's already trying to stand up holding on to things, boy he keeps me pretty busy. He recently had eye surgery for blocked tear ducts and he did great, no more teary eyes. Christopher is enjoying being a big brother too. We recently had a IEP meeting with his teachers and therapist and he will be going to 1st grade next year. My boys are growing up so fast. Chris will be turning 6 this summer and four days later, John turns 1. Hubby is already talking about having another baby, part of me is scared though. The whole cerclage, c-section thing doesn't really scare me, it's what comes after that that scares me honestly. My last recovery was pretty hard, not to mention my emotional state afterwards. I'm very scared to go through that again.
My sister is pregnant. I had so many emotions when I found out. She's my only sister. A friend of mine said she felt the same way when she found out her sister was pregnant. She's just really young, actually she will be the same age I was when I had Chris. She's having a baby boy and she's due July 28, two days after John's birthday! So there will be 3 July boys in the family, lol. I'm excited to be an aunt. She was in the hospital last week with preterm labor but she was sent home two days later, no cerclage was placed because the doctor said she was viable now, it still makes me nervous though. I'm just keeping a close eye on her and praying she makes it to fullterm.
Maria Guzman
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Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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WHY THE BABY BLUES?
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Aug 22, 2011 02:40pm (EST)
I can say that after September 23, 2005 my life changed forever. A lot of people don't understand that. I'm Mexican, born in Acapulco and raised in Santa Barbara, California till the age of 7 and then moved and raised in Atlanta, Georgia. Been here ever since. Almost all my family lives here. We have special celebrations in our culture, like when a baby is born we take them to church at 40 days old, you choose them a godfather and a godmother, they are blessed and then we party. Kind of weird huh? We did it Chris and we're doing it again for John on September 3rd. In our culture when a woman gives birth she is not to do anything for a couple of weeks, and baby's wear a special kind of bracelet with a deer's eye so they don't get sick. If a baby gets sick too often we baptize them, its supposed to take the bad away. But after we baptize them we party out tails off with a DJ, we dance till 3 or 4 in the morning. Chris' baptism was held in a ballroom when he was 1 year old, we had a DJ, a so many people it was crowded, he had 3 pinatas, 2 cakes, and countless gifts. We just keep the traditions going.....
When I was pregnant with John, I thought about these things, his 40 day celebration, his baptism, I was scared to think about it though. What if it didn't happen? I was admitted twice for pre-term labor, at 23 weeks and at 32 weeks, so I tried not to think or plan in my head. Then I would think about it and remember Luis. Why did he leave us? Why did a lady have to baptize him in the hospital after he had passed? Why instead of a video, pictures, we only have a memory box with the shell he was baptized with and his baptism certificate is still in there? After Chris was born I battled with post partum depression for a long time. Part of it was because I didn't tell anybody. I thought about Luis everytime I saw Chris, I pictured him in my head and cried my eyes out. I cried myself to sleep many nights for a long, long time. I felt like if I told somebody they would think I was crazy, that I didn't love my son, that I wanted the other one instead. It wasn't the case, I was depressed because I was 18 when I had Luis and 18 when I had Chris. I didn't heal at all. I overcame that a couple of years later and had forgotten about that feeling.
When Johnathan was born 4 weeks ago, it hit me. We stayed at my mom's house for a couple of days. I found myself crying very often and the feeling was all too familiar. I cried from the pain of the c-section, I cried for no reason sometimes. I cried when I remembered the Neo doctor at the hospital telling me that Johnathan was a preemie, a 36 weeker with low birth weight, I felt guilty. I cried when I remember the nurses telling me that I needed to remember that he needed a lot more attention than a normal baby, I thought whats wrong with my baby? I cried when my parents reminded me that he is a preemie, that he was born 4 weeks early. My dad is always saying how tiny he is, he is compared to Chris, Chris was almost 9lb. when he was born so John is way smaller. His clothes don't fit, and they might not say it in a mean, bad way but it would get me sad. This time though I spoke out, I let hubby know how I felt, I called some friends and asked them if they've felt like that I just wanted to hear that I wasn't the only one that has felt depressed after having a baby. I googled it and read so many stories constantly and it made me feel good to know that there is help and I wasn't alone. And at my 2 week appointment I told my doctor. She said it was due to the sudden drop of hormones and it made sense, she said it was the baby blues and if you don't speak out and get help it gets worse, and it does I've been there. I think a lot of women in the hispanic culture don't speak out about that because we're supposed to be strong, and if we say something we are called crazy and told you're supposed to be happy you just had a baby. We are happy, very happy but some of us go through so much to have a baby and at the end it gets to us, all the emotional distress, sleep deprived, pain from giving birth is overwhelming and a lot of people don't understand that. I think there needs to be more support out there for the hispanic community. I get so happy when I see March of Dimes commercials in Spanish, because theres not a lot of information on prematurity out there in Spanish.
I'm getting better now, I stay busy. I find things to do. We're searching for a new house closer to my parents so I can work in a couple of months and I'm excited. Some life lessons make you stronger, and my angel has made me a better person, stronger, a believer, a better mother. I love my 3 boys....
Maria
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Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (5) | Permalink
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JOHNATHAN'S BIRTH STORY
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Aug 22, 2011 02:07pm (EST)
First off I would like to share Johnathan's birth story.....
I had my weekly appointment on July 26, I was in so much discomfort from the cerclages, my whole pregnancy was full of discomfort due to them and I must admit there were times where I wanted them out and preffered bed rest. I stuck it out though for 36 whole weeks. Hubby and Chris came along that day and the doctor had already planned on taking out both cerclages. It was very, very painful. I started contracting and crying from all the pain. I think it was more painful than last time in 2006. It took the doctor about 15 minutes to get both cerclages out. Afterwards, I was put on the monitor and my contraction were not stopping, I was in early labor so the doctor told us to go ahead and go to labor and delivery. I was so excited, nervous, scared, and in shock because my c-section had been scheduled for August 16 and it was only July 26. I didn't even have my hospital bag yet, and we still had not gone to buy the travel system for our baby, good thing we chose it so hubby knew exactly which one I wanted, we also dropped off Chris at my parents. I think it all sunk in when the anethesiologist went in the room to get my epidural in. I started crying my eyes out scared to death. The epidural wasn't that bad, just the shaking afterwards. My mom, dad, sister, and Chris headed to the hospital just in time to see me taken into the OR. Hubby came in and sat next time just like he did when Chris was born. I remember after hearing Johnathan's cry I asked, "is he a boy?'" and my doctor and nurses answering, "he sure is". I also asked how much he weighted and hubby answered, "6lb. 2oz", I felt sad when I heard that, "he's so small I answered". Then I met my son, another miracle, and I fell in love once again. The rest is just a blur from all the meds they gave me. Johnathan had problems maintaining his blood sugar and some jaundice so he was taken to the special care nursery for a couple of hours so my parents were not able to meet him that night. He was born at 10:43pm. The next day Chris met his little brother and he was so happy because mom's egg had finally "hatched", he would constantly ask me "mom, when is your egg going to hatch?", too cute. Johnathan's blood sugar stabilized and we were able to bring him home 5 days later, the same day I was discharged. He's such a good baby, he reminds me so much of Luis, and he also looks like Chris and his daddy. He didn't get my curls but he's still perfect and we are so happy and blessed to have him with us.
Johnathan Santos
July 26, 2011
10:43pm
6lb. 2oz.
36 weeks
Maria
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Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (0) | Permalink
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30 WEEKS AND COUNTING!
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Jun 16, 2011 09:46pm (EST)
Its been forever since my last blog update. Its been pretty busy for us getting ready for Johnathan, Christopher out of pre-k, and planning a lot. I had a pre-term scare at 23 weeks, spent 2 days in the hospital also due to a severe bladder infection. Thankfully, it was only a scare and I got to go home on Procardia and antibiotics. My infection cleared up a couple days later and my contractions stopped. It was a huge reminder of when we lost Luis, thats all I could think about, my sweet boy. I've been getting P17 weekly shots ever since and I'm now 30 weeks and 2 days along. I can't believe time has gone by so fast, I'm glad though. My cerclages are holding steady and my doctor plans on taking them out at 35 weeks.
We've also started preparing for Johnathan's arrival. I love baby shopping and hubby and I decided on a jungle theme baby room. We've still not found an outfit we both like for when he comes home. Chris' baby room theme was Winnie the Pooh and so was his outfit. I would like a pastel brown color, but we'll keep looking. It seem like forever since I've prepared a bottle and to be honest its kind of weird to be shopping for baby stuff again, but I'm enjoying it all the way.
Christopher has been doing really good. He seem very interested in Johnathan being here soon. I'm sure he'll be a great big brother. He's out of pre-k and will be going to Kindergarten in August, my baby is getting so big. I keep telling him he'll always be my baby, even though he doesn't agree.
I had my 3D ultrasound on Tuesday and the other pic is from the lake two weeks ago.
Maria
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29 weeks lake
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Posted by Maria Guzman | Comments: (4) | Permalink
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