Empty and lost...

I cannot express how much your responses have touched my heart today!
It has been two weeks today that I lost my little girl and this past Thursday my grandpa passed away as well. It has been an emotional roller coaster, but I'm making it through slowly.
I think the hardest time of the day is when I get into bed and everything around me is still and quite....that's when it really hits me and I get that heart hurt feeling.
I had no idea that so many people out there lose their precious little angles....it really opens your eyes and makes your heart go out to the people that share in the same emotions and pain that you and your family are experiencing too.
Thank you all from the very bottom of my heart and God bless you all in touching my life as you did today!
Love,
Tiffany

Tiffany,
I'm so sorry you loss your grandmother so soon after your little girl, one angel mommie once told me that we should all get a free pass for any further pain or losses but unfurtunately that is not the case. I hope you can find some light at the end of the tunnel. But sometimes when it rain it pours... but you will make it through this; if you would have asked me that 16 months ago I would have said something so different. The love I have for my son has showed me the kind of person i want to be, he has given me so much love and strenght and I truly hope your daughter can do the same for you.
Trish

Tiffany, I am so sorry you are going through this pain. What I can tell you is, ONLY time can heal. There is nothing that anyone can say that truly makes the pain go away. It does feel a little better knowing people care & show their love & support, but the pain comes back. I know this because 2 weeks ago I lost my twin boys. They were born at 22.5 weeks. They had to do an emergency c-section on me, I was dilated to a 9 & both breach. Drs would not save my babies, because they were too young they said. Very hard to accept & it replays in my head. I lost another son 11 years ago. And I promise you, only time can heal. I still have my moments with that son & thinking of him. All 3 of those brothers are now buried close to each other, so I get to visit their gravesites. You are not alone in your pain & I promise everything you are feeling is very normal. I know how heart breaking it is to know your child is going through it & trying to understand where baby sister is. But you handled it very well letting him know she went to be with Jesus. And let him know now she will always be looking over him & be with him all the time. I am so sorry tragedy stuck your family too, my heart is with you. This is not my 1st time going through loss of a baby & I am still a mess. Just stay strong, your son will also be your strength to get through this all. My 1st son was a year old when I lost my other son & I tell you, he helped me because I knew he needed me. And now with the loss of my twins, I know my son is 12 now, but he still needs me & I also now have a daughter that is 6 that needs me. I am here if you ever need someone to email, just contact me, I am a good listener.

Take care,
Jessica

Thanks so much for you post.....
I'm seem to be on a roller coaster lately - good days and bad days. I'm a little stressed, as I go back for the first time to work tomorrow and I just don't know if I can deal with everyone right now. I almost find myself dwelling on it all the time and feeling cheated that I lost my little girl. I love my son with all my heart and he has been my rock and makes everything seem so much better, but I still find my mind wondering and my emotions unbalanced. The hardest part is that most everyone expects you to just put on a smile and move on as if nothing happened and your better off to just move on. I am normally a very happy and bubbly person, but lately I almost feel as if I am going crazy at times. My best friend from high school had his son on Friday and called me to come visit at the hospital - I did, but it was the hardest thing I've had to do so far....
I am really trying to stay possitive and strong for my family and I want to be happy again - just a struggle now days to make that happen.
Again, thanks for your kind words - it is wonderful to be able to relate to someone who has been there and has felt the same pain that I do - no one really seems to understand or know what to say!
I'm so sorry for your loss as well - I can't imagine having to go through losing a child more than once - you must be one of the strongest people I know!
Thanks so much and God bless you too!
Tiffany

I know exactly how you feel. I am so not looking forward to going back to work, I am scared someone will trigger something that will make me cry. It's so hard to think about. Just going to the store passing the baby section makes me cry right now. Stay strong for your little boy, he needs you. And its ok to let him see you cry. When my son was little my husband at the time would get upset if i cried in front of him, nothing wrong with them knowing you miss their baby brother (or sister in your case).

Hi,

I looked at your blog and noticed that you stated your daughters lungs were premature. The reason why I ask, is because they found a blood clotting disorder after I had my son at 25 weeks. He was born with premature lungs and he was in the NICU in Nashville for 23 days before he passed. He was born at 1 lbs 3 oz. He had steriods for 1 week and they did not work because 3 days later he passed in my arms due to organ failuer from his premature lungs.

Please pass me more information to your condition and to situation on her lungs.

It has been almost 2 months since Austin has passed and I think of him every day. This was our first child and were trying for almost 2 years 2 have. I understand what you are going through. The only thing I could say would be place all your energy into your son.

-Sarah

I too lost my son in Nashville. Where you at Vanderbilt? We just said goodbye to our Paul on Feb. 22 of this year. He only lived about 36 hours. Paul was born at 28 weeks, and had a chromosome problem we did not know about until he came.

This is the hardest thing that we have had to go through. I still think of him everyday, and believe I always will. I will say that the NICU staff were great. They did everything possible for a good outcome, but it was not to be. My prayers are with you as you are moving through this.

Laura

I am so sorry to hear of your lose. It is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I lost my little boy 3 months ago and my little girl 2 months ago. They would of been my first. I have to say when I stay busy the time seems to fly by and there will be times when I hit my head on that shelf and just start crying. I give myself them moments. I can already see that there are times when I go 2 or 3 days with out breaking down but then there 5 or 6 days sometimes. I beleive it will get easier and I just take the baby steps its taking me to get there. I wish you the best of luck and you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Well it is getting closer to Bailey's due date - July 27th and I am finding myself getting more emotional and stressed as it grows near. It's really strange how things work out though - we started going to this little church after we lost the baby and my grandpa and it has been really great for my family to get involved and grow closer to God - However, since we have been there I have been invited to my second baby shower this month....I feel like standing up during church this Sunday and saying, "please people - my baby girl died three months ago and I do not want to come to your stinking baby showers!!!" It's hard though, because being new to the church very few people know of our loss, except maybe a few people and the preacher.
Good news is that after 10 weeks of waiting, we final got the headstone installed out at Bailey's graveside. It is so beautiful and we took Hunter out to put some really pretty pink flowers on it with a two ribbons that said "it's a girl" and "precious little joy" - thought it was fitting since I never got to give her flowers while she was here with me!
I just hope that some of these feelings go away soon - I know that everyday that grows closer to the due date is just eating me alive inside and makes me more tuned in to the reality that she's gone and that I have lost the precious baby girl that I so despirately wanted. Please keep me in your prayers - because I know that they do help and I need them so much right now to fight the pain.
Keeping you all close to my heart and in my thoughts and prayers daily!! *Hugs*

For me, the days leading up to the due date were worse than the actual day. I am so sorry that you are having to face your due date without your sweet baby girl in your belly or in your arms. I've wondered what it will be like when we move from here where everyone knows what happened to our baby girls. In some ways I think it'll be nice that we won't be getting those uncomfortable looks everywhere we go, in other ways it'll hurt knowing that not everyone we see will know about our baby girls when we should be pushing them around and have everyone know. I'm so sorry that you're having to face these invites, I've been avoiding baby showers thus far. The headstone is beautiful, and the flowers perfect. Sending you peaceful thoughts in the difficult days to come. Thinking of you.
Stacy

Hello,
         Thank-you for sharing Bailey Madox with us. I lost my son Lawrence on June 7 2010, when he was born prematurely at 22 weeks. I loved the way you described her, it's a lot like how I felt about Lawrence as we held him I felt the same way right afterward, in regards to wanting to think about what happened all the time, while being afraid that you'll push it away and forget.

I also feel the same way about things like baby showers, although thankfully I haven't been invited to any recently. I do have another pregnant lady at my workplace though, and lots of other ladies who just had babies, so that makes it a bit harder. Part of me wants to scream at them, and ask them why they got to have their babies and I didn't.

Lawrence's due date is still a ways away, but right now I've definitely hit a low, and have been feeling more sad than I've ever felt in my life. I hope you can get through the next while alright, but I can understand that it'll be hard. Know that reading your story has helped me, thank-you.

I am so sorry to her about Bailey. It is a pain that is so acute, it hurts with every breath you take. In Febraury I lost my twins Jay and Morgan. I immediately thought that it would be impossible for me to go on without my sweet babies in my arms.
My husband, family, and a few close friends have been a great support system to me.
What has helped is for me to talk about Jay and Morgan with people that loved them too. It helps because I feel like I am sharing the best part of myself when I talk about them.
I also want their memory to always stay alive so I am making blankets, like another Share mommy Stacy does, to donate to the NICU where I live. I want those parents who have had to go through the devastation of losing a child(ren) that they are not alone.
My due date was June 25, and like Stacy said the days leading up to the actual day were the most difficult. It doesn't mean that the day wasn't hard, but I got through.
Just always remember that your baby Bailey will move with you the rest of your life. She is never far from you.

Big hugs,
Kami

I'm so glad to hear that you're making blankets now too! I hope Lauren sees this so she knows that Akeelah's ripple is travelling far and wide! She taught me how to make the blankets when I visited her back in February, and I fell in love with making them! So relaxing and gives me a chance to both help other moms have something special for their angel and think about my little angels.

Well I have a friend I have met through my son's daycare. She is a mother of a little boy that has been in class with mine. I knew that a couple years back her second child had been left in the car by accident and died of hyperthermia. Last night she came by the house to pick up some items for school and for the first time ever I got to sit down and really talk with her about life, coping, growing, and living. We stayed up until almost 3 a.m. this morning just talking on the couch and crying, then laughing together. I know her loss is so much different than mine, as her little boy was a year old and she was the one who thought she had dropped him off on her way to work at daycare - then having to realize after work that he was left in the car has really put major stress on her life and test her daily to just survive. I think if it hadn't been for her oldest child, she wouldn't have made it at all! Good thing is I have found a new way to relate to her through losing Bailey and understanding that deep pain that never goes away and that you can only try to figure out how to live with it. It is funny because we talked about "milestones" (Which is a funny word to use), but that we dreaded certain days like the due dates, birthdays, death dates, and how you get throuth them one at a time and work at trying to push forward and find a new kind of normal to the completely new self that you have become through all of this. So to say the least I woke up today with a different outlook that I feel a little more connected to my life and know that God will surrond you with people and moments at just the right time to help you through! Thank God for giving me my friend last night and opening my eyes in a different way. I am saying a little prayer for all the angel mommies out there today that you too find a little peace in your heart today as well! Big Hugs!!!!
Always,
Tiffany

Tiffany: So glad that you had a good day today and that you were able to make a connection with another angel mommy! It's always so comforting to be in another mom's presence who has known loss.
Stacy