SHARE HOME > SHARE YOUR STORY > ALL SHORT STORIES

Stillborn at 32 weeks due to cord accident

Ashlynn'sMommy - 01:59am Feb 5, 2012 EST

I want to start by first saying a big heartfelt "Thank you" to everyone on here. Although this is my first time posting about myself, I have been to the site quite a few times and knowing I'm not alone has already brought me strength.

I suppose my story starts just about 6 or 7 weeks ago but I will rewind a few years to really begin. After 3 years of a "whatever happens, happens" attitude, my husband and I realized we would really have to buckle down. After 9 more months of charting, OPKs and so on, we saw a fertility specialist who diagnosed me with PCOS and Endometriosis and said we would need treatment in order to concieve. Over the next year, we tried Clomid and Femara and then injectibles and then different combinations of everything. We were ecstatic to find we were pregnant in Jan 2011 just before we moved onto IVF. The happiness was short lived when it was found that it was tubal. I was given meds to "break down the cell growth" and I was devastated to have to kill off the baby that we had tried so hard to have but the pregnancy was just not viable. 5 months later, we tried the same combination of meds and were again thrilled when it worked! It seemed like everything we had gone through had been worth it because we were finally going to get to fill the room we had designated as the nursery.

Until December 16 2011 when I went in for my routine 32 week checkup. That is when my whole world came crashing down. The doctors were not able to find a heartbeat. I was immediately in denial and made them get a different machine to look. After pacifying me and then explaining that there was nothing that could be done, I was scheduled to be induced for a stillbirth delivery that same afternoon. I gave birth on December 19th to a baby girl. We had been waiting to find out the sex and when we found out she was a girl, we named her Ashlynn which means "to dream." When I delivered, they found that the cause was due to a cord accident, specifically a "supercoiled" cord. I don't know what she felt in those last hours but I like to think that she was peacefully dreaming, not in any distress.

So here I am, weeks later, crying on my keyboard and filled with questions... When does the hurt stop hurting quite this bad? When can I listen to the radio or watch TV without crying? When will I be able to hold my 4 month old niece without shaking? We want more children... How long do we wait given the difficulties we had getting pregnant to begin with? Or is all this God's way of sending me a message that I'm not supposed to have babies and raise them as children and have them as best friends when they are adults... I know those are questions that can't really be answered but thanks to everyone for reading anyway,

(older msg: 2)

Shilo_Marcoux - Feb 5, 2012 3:46 am (#3 Total: 12)

Hello and welcome to share you came to the right place everyone is here to talk and everyone has something in common, I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet angel Ashlynn. I lost my son Shilo at 4 month premature due to incompatant cervix on Dec 1st 2011. Somedays are harder then others, over time things will get easier. I cry everyday especially to thigs on the tv and radio also its healthy to cry and if the tv watching and radio listing make you cry that shows how much you love and miss her! And you were made to have babies if you have already had Ashlynn and concived another time be for that you are a woman of babies, let your mind and body heal, and then i say yes to you trying to concive again!

brookeg - Feb 5, 2012 2:36 pm (#4 Total: 12)

Hello and welcome to share. I am so sorry for the loss of Ashlynn. I lost my son at 30 wks due to a genetic defect and I wish no family ever had to go thru this pain. I did not struggle with infertility but I did have all the same questions you asked, and like Stacy said everyone is on a different timeline but eventually things will become easier. Your life has changed forever, and it does not seem like the pain will end but it slowly will change into something that is not so acute. As for trying again, I don't believe God is telling you, you should not be a parent. He may be saying have faith your rainbow will come!! As for trying again, it is something that you need to discuss with your doc and then decide what is best for YOU. I know that thru grief therapy I was told emotionally wait a yr. Physically I was told by the doc after three reg menstral cycles. My husband and I decided when it was right for us.
I hope you can find some comfort and peace thru it all
Brooke

lvazquez - Feb 6, 2012 12:05 am (#5 Total: 12)

Mom to Donovyn (32 weeker), Tristyn (34 weeker), and Naethyn (30 weeker born sleeping)

Welcome to SHARE. I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl Ashlynn. I've asked myself all of those same questions too. Our son was stillborn at 30 weeks back in 2011. I thought something was wrong, my water broke en route to the hospital, and when I got there, no heartbeat. I was in disbelief at those words. The days and months to come . . . I cried hard. Seeking a therapist was helpful in the beginning along with this site. Connecting to other women who had been there too, who were months and years into their "new normal," was extremely helpful. It's so true, everyone does have their own timeline. I haven't had a rainbow baby, but I think of one often. I have learned that with a lot of love, hope, and competent OBs, miracles can and do happen. Give yourself time and continue to lean on your husband. You so need each other right now.

Lindsay

Ashlynn'sMommy - Feb 6, 2012 7:32 pm (#6 Total: 12)

Thank you to everyone... some days are already easier than others. Just being able to post on this site as well as the fertility forum that I have been on for the past couple years was something I couldn't bring myself to do a couple weeks ago. I know things will take time... I just wish there was that magic number. I also wish that I could just contain all my emotions for inside the walls of my own house. Interacting with people is becoming so extremeley difficult. I have been avoiding going to the gas station for the last couple weeks because the staff there know me and I can't figure out what to say when they congratulate me. I work in the healthcare field with patients who know me... how do I tell them that my baby is not in daycare like we had
planned? It's exhausting to deal with everything when I'm already struggling to just not cry. Again... I'm sorry for rambling but thought maybe you ladies had ideras on how to deal with the logistical day too day things.

carolyn72 - Feb 6, 2012 8:41 pm (#7 Total: 12)

I am truly sorry about what happened to you. I had twins at 28weeks and lost my little guy after one month in the nicu. His sister is now 15 months. A friend of mine who lost a son when he was15, told me to make a list of things to do each day so as to not sit idle or too long. Your mind goes on tangents when you do not have an objective. It may take you longer to do things but at least you are in motion. Try simple tasks at first. And read a lot. It distracts. We are here for you.

brookeg - Feb 7, 2012 12:05 am (#8 Total: 12)

I don't think your rambling at all. These are all things that everyone who has lost a child finds ackward. Before I returned to work, I had co workers tell my clients what had happened and that I did not want to be asked about it. If I felt like talking about it, I would bring it up. Don't know if that is a option for you... and people ignored the request anyway and asked. You just have to face it, sometime I cried when I said Baron passed away, sometimes I was numb ad sometimes I was angry at the person asking like they had something to do with it. After almost two years it has become easier to say he passed away. But I still don't know how to answer is this your first now that I have had another child. If I become closer to someone I will tell them my story, otherwise I try to just avoid situations where kids come up. I become so socially ackward since the loss, its one of the main things I deal with. I always feel like the elpephant in the room. If I tell someone my son passed they usually pity me ( which I don't want) or they a comment that is offensive... Like you can have another, or well you have one now... People don't know how to react to grief, when all we need is a simple I'm so sorry for your loss.
I hope you can find a way to navigate thru those questions... They do get easier but obviously never fun to deal with

Ashlynn'sMommy - Feb 9, 2012 2:37 pm (#9 Total: 12)

Ladies, Thanks... This week is going much smoother than the last couple. I am in somewhat of a "fake it til you make it" mode, but it is getting me by for now and I have noticed that I laugh now and they are not fake laughs. Brooke, Thank you. I felt like there should be a way to handle it better. Most of my patients are seen at completely different time intervals so I could be dealing with the questions/congrats about my baby for even a year when people come in to see us for their appointments. I would feel even more strange to bring it up to every patient for no reason... I have already wondered what I would say when we do decide to try again if and when we got pregnant about whether or not it was my "first." Obviously it is not, but geeze, how to explain that to people without it turning akward for everyone involved. I also do NOT want to hear people's stories of how "terrible" their labor was. I have already been through what I would think is the worst and not that I want to throw that story around, but I do just want to say "but look what you have to show for that!" which is beyond inappropriate. Anyway... I appreciate knowing I'm not alone in these things as much as it pains me to know others have gone through similar situations.

BarbaraJ - Feb 10, 2012 8:59 pm (#10 Total: 12)

My heart goes out to you I lost my baby boy Dec 16 2011 at 23 weeks 3 day. The pain is always there but gets easier to live with I think. I promise you and myself things will get better

dolphinchick87 - Feb 12, 2012 12:04 am (#11 Total: 12)

am so srry hun. i dont know why we lose our precious children. (((HUGS))). I still have questions about why my water broke at 16 wks with my precious son, Elijah.. I am here if you need someone to talk to.

christianmyangel - Feb 13, 2012 8:34 pm (#12 Total: 12)

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his Saints

i'm reading your story and trying so hard to hold in my tears bc im at work bc i understand you..the thought of losing a child to most people is unbearable, but we know the great pain, emptiness, and sadness it comes with it, the questions are always there, the what ifs..but always remember even tho we will never get answers for those questions, we can learn to accept God's will and to know that God thinks you're strong enough to endure this pain and still make it to the other side, i lost my baby boy, he was my first child and he was the most precious little thing to me and my family, but all i know is that when God takes something away he always multiplies and even tho nothing will ever take our children's place, even if more come later, we know our children will know they have a big brother or sister in heaven who watches over them. i also want the opportunity to raise a child and care and love them and i hold the faith that we will go to those school field trips with them and attend those PTA meetings and make them eat their veggies and also read them those bedtime stories, dont lose your hope..Be strong and receive comfort.

Hugs,

Claudia

To post, please login or register.