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Stillborn at 32 weeks due to cord accident

Ashlynn'sMommy - 01:59am Feb 5, 2012 EST

I want to start by first saying a big heartfelt "Thank you" to everyone on here. Although this is my first time posting about myself, I have been to the site quite a few times and knowing I'm not alone has already brought me strength.

I suppose my story starts just about 6 or 7 weeks ago but I will rewind a few years to really begin. After 3 years of a "whatever happens, happens" attitude, my husband and I realized we would really have to buckle down. After 9 more months of charting, OPKs and so on, we saw a fertility specialist who diagnosed me with PCOS and Endometriosis and said we would need treatment in order to concieve. Over the next year, we tried Clomid and Femara and then injectibles and then different combinations of everything. We were ecstatic to find we were pregnant in Jan 2011 just before we moved onto IVF. The happiness was short lived when it was found that it was tubal. I was given meds to "break down the cell growth" and I was devastated to have to kill off the baby that we had tried so hard to have but the pregnancy was just not viable. 5 months later, we tried the same combination of meds and were again thrilled when it worked! It seemed like everything we had gone through had been worth it because we were finally going to get to fill the room we had designated as the nursery.

Until December 16 2011 when I went in for my routine 32 week checkup. That is when my whole world came crashing down. The doctors were not able to find a heartbeat. I was immediately in denial and made them get a different machine to look. After pacifying me and then explaining that there was nothing that could be done, I was scheduled to be induced for a stillbirth delivery that same afternoon. I gave birth on December 19th to a baby girl. We had been waiting to find out the sex and when we found out she was a girl, we named her Ashlynn which means "to dream." When I delivered, they found that the cause was due to a cord accident, specifically a "supercoiled" cord. I don't know what she felt in those last hours but I like to think that she was peacefully dreaming, not in any distress.

So here I am, weeks later, crying on my keyboard and filled with questions... When does the hurt stop hurting quite this bad? When can I listen to the radio or watch TV without crying? When will I be able to hold my 4 month old niece without shaking? We want more children... How long do we wait given the difficulties we had getting pregnant to begin with? Or is all this God's way of sending me a message that I'm not supposed to have babies and raise them as children and have them as best friends when they are adults... I know those are questions that can't really be answered but thanks to everyone for reading anyway,

(older msg: 6)

carolyn72 - Feb 6, 2012 8:41 pm (#7 Total: 12)

I am truly sorry about what happened to you. I had twins at 28weeks and lost my little guy after one month in the nicu. His sister is now 15 months. A friend of mine who lost a son when he was15, told me to make a list of things to do each day so as to not sit idle or too long. Your mind goes on tangents when you do not have an objective. It may take you longer to do things but at least you are in motion. Try simple tasks at first. And read a lot. It distracts. We are here for you.

brookeg - Feb 7, 2012 12:05 am (#8 Total: 12)

I don't think your rambling at all. These are all things that everyone who has lost a child finds ackward. Before I returned to work, I had co workers tell my clients what had happened and that I did not want to be asked about it. If I felt like talking about it, I would bring it up. Don't know if that is a option for you... and people ignored the request anyway and asked. You just have to face it, sometime I cried when I said Baron passed away, sometimes I was numb ad sometimes I was angry at the person asking like they had something to do with it. After almost two years it has become easier to say he passed away. But I still don't know how to answer is this your first now that I have had another child. If I become closer to someone I will tell them my story, otherwise I try to just avoid situations where kids come up. I become so socially ackward since the loss, its one of the main things I deal with. I always feel like the elpephant in the room. If I tell someone my son passed they usually pity me ( which I don't want) or they a comment that is offensive... Like you can have another, or well you have one now... People don't know how to react to grief, when all we need is a simple I'm so sorry for your loss.
I hope you can find a way to navigate thru those questions... They do get easier but obviously never fun to deal with

Ashlynn'sMommy - Feb 9, 2012 2:37 pm (#9 Total: 12)

Ladies, Thanks... This week is going much smoother than the last couple. I am in somewhat of a "fake it til you make it" mode, but it is getting me by for now and I have noticed that I laugh now and they are not fake laughs. Brooke, Thank you. I felt like there should be a way to handle it better. Most of my patients are seen at completely different time intervals so I could be dealing with the questions/congrats about my baby for even a year when people come in to see us for their appointments. I would feel even more strange to bring it up to every patient for no reason... I have already wondered what I would say when we do decide to try again if and when we got pregnant about whether or not it was my "first." Obviously it is not, but geeze, how to explain that to people without it turning akward for everyone involved. I also do NOT want to hear people's stories of how "terrible" their labor was. I have already been through what I would think is the worst and not that I want to throw that story around, but I do just want to say "but look what you have to show for that!" which is beyond inappropriate. Anyway... I appreciate knowing I'm not alone in these things as much as it pains me to know others have gone through similar situations.

BarbaraJ - Feb 10, 2012 8:59 pm (#10 Total: 12)

My heart goes out to you I lost my baby boy Dec 16 2011 at 23 weeks 3 day. The pain is always there but gets easier to live with I think. I promise you and myself things will get better

dolphinchick87 - Feb 12, 2012 12:04 am (#11 Total: 12)

am so srry hun. i dont know why we lose our precious children. (((HUGS))). I still have questions about why my water broke at 16 wks with my precious son, Elijah.. I am here if you need someone to talk to.

christianmyangel - Feb 13, 2012 8:34 pm (#12 Total: 12)

Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his Saints

i'm reading your story and trying so hard to hold in my tears bc im at work bc i understand you..the thought of losing a child to most people is unbearable, but we know the great pain, emptiness, and sadness it comes with it, the questions are always there, the what ifs..but always remember even tho we will never get answers for those questions, we can learn to accept God's will and to know that God thinks you're strong enough to endure this pain and still make it to the other side, i lost my baby boy, he was my first child and he was the most precious little thing to me and my family, but all i know is that when God takes something away he always multiplies and even tho nothing will ever take our children's place, even if more come later, we know our children will know they have a big brother or sister in heaven who watches over them. i also want the opportunity to raise a child and care and love them and i hold the faith that we will go to those school field trips with them and attend those PTA meetings and make them eat their veggies and also read them those bedtime stories, dont lose your hope..Be strong and receive comfort.

Hugs,

Claudia

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