Stillborn at 32 weeks due to cord accident
Ashlynn'sMommy - 01:59am Feb 5, 2012 ESTI want to start by first saying a big heartfelt "Thank you" to everyone on here. Although this is my first time posting about myself, I have been to the site quite a few times and knowing I'm not alone has already brought me strength.
I suppose my story starts just about 6 or 7 weeks ago but I will rewind a few years to really begin. After 3 years of a "whatever happens, happens" attitude, my husband and I realized we would really have to buckle down. After 9 more months of charting, OPKs and so on, we saw a fertility specialist who diagnosed me with PCOS and Endometriosis and said we would need treatment in order to concieve. Over the next year, we tried Clomid and Femara and then injectibles and then different combinations of everything. We were ecstatic to find we were pregnant in Jan 2011 just before we moved onto IVF. The happiness was short lived when it was found that it was tubal. I was given meds to "break down the cell growth" and I was devastated to have to kill off the baby that we had tried so hard to have but the pregnancy was just not viable. 5 months later, we tried the same combination of meds and were again thrilled when it worked! It seemed like everything we had gone through had been worth it because we were finally going to get to fill the room we had designated as the nursery.
Until December 16 2011 when I went in for my routine 32 week checkup. That is when my whole world came crashing down. The doctors were not able to find a heartbeat. I was immediately in denial and made them get a different machine to look. After pacifying me and then explaining that there was nothing that could be done, I was scheduled to be induced for a stillbirth delivery that same afternoon. I gave birth on December 19th to a baby girl. We had been waiting to find out the sex and when we found out she was a girl, we named her Ashlynn which means "to dream." When I delivered, they found that the cause was due to a cord accident, specifically a "supercoiled" cord. I don't know what she felt in those last hours but I like to think that she was peacefully dreaming, not in any distress.
So here I am, weeks later, crying on my keyboard and filled with questions... When does the hurt stop hurting quite this bad? When can I listen to the radio or watch TV without crying? When will I be able to hold my 4 month old niece without shaking? We want more children... How long do we wait given the difficulties we had getting pregnant to begin with? Or is all this God's way of sending me a message that I'm not supposed to have babies and raise them as children and have them as best friends when they are adults... I know those are questions that can't really be answered but thanks to everyone for reading anyway,
BarbaraJ
- Feb 10, 2012 8:59 pm
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My heart goes out to you I lost my baby boy Dec 16 2011 at 23 weeks 3 day. The pain is always there but gets easier to live with I think. I promise you and myself things will get better
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dolphinchick87
- Feb 12, 2012 12:04 am
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am so srry hun. i dont know why we lose our precious children. (((HUGS))). I still have questions about why my water broke at 16 wks with my precious son, Elijah.. I am here if you need someone to talk to.
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christianmyangel
- Feb 13, 2012 8:34 pm
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Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his Saints |
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i'm reading your story and trying so hard to hold in my tears bc im at work bc i understand you..the thought of losing a child to most people is unbearable, but we know the great pain, emptiness, and sadness it comes with it, the questions are always there, the what ifs..but always remember even tho we will never get answers for those questions, we can learn to accept God's will and to know that God thinks you're strong enough to endure this pain and still make it to the other side, i lost my baby boy, he was my first child and he was the most precious little thing to me and my family, but all i know is that when God takes something away he always multiplies and even tho nothing will ever take our children's place, even if more come later, we know our children will know they have a big brother or sister in heaven who watches over them. i also want the opportunity to raise a child and care and love them and i hold the faith that we will go to those school field trips with them and attend those PTA meetings and make them eat their veggies and also read them those bedtime stories, dont lose your hope..Be strong and receive comfort.
Hugs,
Claudia
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