The Way it Should be

LianaMulgrew - 08:25pm Feb 12, 2012 EST

I was so excited to find out finally what my baby was going to be> After losing my first baby to bacteria in my fluid when I was 17 I knew it would be different this time. I was wrong. I was due Feb 14th 2006. I was just hitting 21 weeks right after Halloween, when an all too familiar pain crept up on me. There I was flat on my back at the hospital praying for the life of my second son. Praying I wouldn't lose him like his brother. I was rushed by ambulance to Ruby (Morgantown,WV) just in case they couldn't get my labor stopped. I layed upside down in my hospital bed for what seemed like forever. I couldn't sit up or cough or do anything. Thanksgiving finally came and I was moved to a different room and able to get up go to the bathroom and shower. I was so glad. For weeks my mother had stayed to take care of my as a immediate pair of hands for bathing and anything I needed. She was there for my emotional break downs and my joys for making it another day. On hat was suppose to be my last few days in the hospital I was hit with several tests and trials and ultra sounds and you name it they did it. Finally the check. The dreaded cervix check. I had dilated again. I wasn't in labor, but I was dilated more. There was no way they were letting me go home. 24 weeks and 21 days till Christmas. Dec. 4th. I was so ready to go home and disappointed. Mom wasn't there to hold my hand when they left. I called her and told her that when she was ready to come back from relaxing at home she could. My then husband would stay with me from Saturday to Sunday and my mom would come back on Sunday evening to stay all week. At 6:15 my husband left to go back home and my mom had returned. I was stressed and worried. No more than about 20 min after my husband left I was in labor then and it didn't stop. My mom stayed awake with me all night. Trying to keep me calm and helping with the affects of the mag. At 6:00 they wheeled me back to the delivery room that was connected to the NICU. I was scared to death. I couldn't believe this was the end. I was afraid for me baby. Yes he was older than his brother, but only by 4 weeks. On December 5th, 2005 at 6:05 Am my beautiful son Robert was born. He cried and they whisked him away and that was it. I didn't seem him for what seemed like hours. Once I finally got to see him I broke down. I was at a loss for words and full o fear. I knew I would lose him and I couldn't bear it. I asked the nurse if he was going to die, and she couldn't tell me what would happen. I was alone with no end in sight to this horrific ride. For weeks I was with my baby in the NICU. His slightest triumphs seemed so much larger than they were. His draw backs were even larger than they seemed as well. He would take two steps forward and then one step back. I sat and watched many families come in to the NICU. with the same look of terror on their faces. So would leave with smiles and I would secretly hate them for getting to take their baby home. I hated them for having a healthy baby while mine was still ill and unable to lead a normal existence. I saw sad women and men leave empty handed as I had done once before and I knew their pain. I knew that the world as they knew it was over for the moment and the strength they would have to find deep within. Then after weeks of all day visits and all night stays it was Robert's turn. The care seat challenge was great. You couldn't see any of him except his little face. That was it. Then the over night stay on our own in the special room. It went great. I was scared, but I knew we could do it. Then the draw back again. He couldn't hold his temp. and that was the straw for me. I broke down and couldn't do it any more. I was tired of waiting. I was tired of seeing the other families and I was tired of pretending like I was ok. After about a week of test and medication the issue was resolved by thyroid medication. I was finally going to bring Robert home. On that ride I was constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for someone to stop us and make me take him back. It was great. He had an apnea machine, but I didn't care we were home. Feb. 1st is the best day in the world. Its the day I truly became a mom. Robert has be through alot in his little life. Early Birth, thyroid issues and a divorce. Not matter what though I tell him things are the way they should be. He is in Kindergarten now. Smart, healthy, and my baby. Things in life aren't fair at times, but they are the way they should be. They teach us respect, hope, faith, fear, love, and most of all that life is precious and that even a small baby can teach you life lessons on the way it should be.